Red Sun (50 page)

First thing in the morning, I handed the two envelopes to Ruthann.  As I expected, she glanced down and read the names written on each and silently questioned why there wasn’t a third.  Knowing the sensitivity that exists within me where this subject matter is concerned, she refrained from asking aloud.

“If you’re sure you’re ready, I’ll take them while I’m out running errands today,” she offered.

I looked at the two white pieces of paper in her hand and took a deep breath.  Once they were out of my sight today, there’d be no turning back.  I weighed that carefully and then closed my eyes as I nodded, giving her the ok.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” I replied.  “I know this is the right thing to do.”

She had a proud smile of her face that let me know that she agreed.
  “Absolutely.  And who knows – maybe something good will even come from you being open.”

I shrugged and continued
to gaze out of the window.  Ruthann gathered the last of her things and stepped out through the back door where Lou was waiting to chauffeur her around for the day.  I rested my chin on my fist while I stared out into the nothingness that seemed to surround me these days.  It had nothing to do with where I was physically, as much as it did with where I was emotionally.  With each passing day, I seemed to find myself fading away more and more.  Nothing on television held my attention anymore, there was less and less to talk about, and I couldn’t seem to find anything that brought me back to the me that I used to be.  Maybe that was my punishment for my deeds.  Maybe I was bound to spend a lifetime regretting my actions and suffering for them daily.  There were probably a few people who were even praying for such a thing.

I was still daydreaming when the bell over the door sounded and snapped me out of my
daze.  It only took me a second to gather myself and recognize who’d entered.

“Too busy to talk?”

I stared for a moment, unsure as to what my father’s intentions were exactly.  The silence between us must’ve felt awkward to him, but I didn’t let that possibility rush me into making a decision about whether to respond or not.  He stared hopefully while clutching his keys in one hand and his baseball cap in the other.

“I can spare a second.”

“Good, good, I just wanted to…..you know stop by and see how you’d been.”  He pursed his lips together tightly for a moment while he thought and then eased up a little.  “It’s been quite a while since we’ve talked.  Going on a month now I believe.”

I nodded slightly, confirming the length of time.

He looked at my face for a few seconds.  “You look healthy.  I can see you’ve been taking care of yourself just fine.”  There was a look of desperation on his face.  “Maybe I was wrong about you not being ready to step out on your own.”

I raised an eyebrow. 
“Maybe.”

His lips tightened again.  “How’s everything been?”  The next question would’ve been ‘do you need anything,’ but I think he remembered the last argument that spawned from that very question.

“Fine.  I’ve just been here at the shop and working on school applications every night when I get home to Ruthann’s.”

He nodded a little.  “Home, huh?  Being there with her feels more like home to you than being with me?”  There was absolutely no hostility in his tone when he asked.  If I had to guess what emotion was hidden beneath his words I’d have to say it was
hurt.

I sighed quietly. 
“To be honest, yes.  Lately it has.  There’s no arguing, no accusations, no negativity.  I can actually breathe there.”

He nodded again and then his gaze drifted to the floor.  “Nothing
has gone the way I wanted it to go.  From the day you came to live with me, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy.  It probably doesn’t feel that way to you, but I swear that’s been my only intention.”  He paused and ran his hand down his chin, still not making eye contact.  “I guess I messed that up pretty bad.”  A short sarcastic laugh escaped his lips.

I cleared my throat and folded my arms over my chest.

“I just want you to give me another chance, Solei.  To fix things between us.  I don’t want to look up and you’ve moved on with life and we don’t even speak to one another.  I know me finally seeing Alicia for who she is, doesn’t make everything all better…..but I was hoping that it’d at least show you that I’m trying to work on this.”

My father lifted his eyes to mine and waited.  I took a deep breath.  “I’m not exactly
sure what you want me to say, Dad.  I mean…..I don’t want that to happen either, but –“

“Then help me fix it.  That’s all I’m asking you to do – be willing to give this another shot.”  In the corner of his eye I saw a tear forming.  “You’re all I’ve got.”

“Dad, I –“

“Don’t answer me now.  Just think about
what I said.  That’s all I want.”

I watched him and then nodded. 
He turned to walk out and stopped abruptly to look back in my direction, remembering something else that he forgot to mention.  “Oh, and there’s one last thing that I want you to consider before we speak again.  I know you’ve made friends here and everything and you’ve got your little boyfriend that you don’t wanna leave, but…..I’m waiting to hear back about this house I found about 45 minutes East of here.  It’s not much to look at yet, but I’ve got plans for it.”  The hopeful look returned.  “I want you to come with me.  It’s not too far from the schools you were thinking about, so…..just give it some thought.”  He smiled weakly and then traipsed to his truck.

My eyes followed the trail of dust that kicked up until he’d disappeared down the road. 
Leave Conway?  Wasn’t that the very thing I’d been fighting against for these past few months?  Hadn’t many of the arguments between my father and me been because he was trying to force me to go back home and leave my life here behind?  I looked around the shop that had become so familiar to me.  It felt like I’d spent a lifetime here although it had been nowhere near that long.  The thought of leaving still didn’t sit well with me, but to be honest I didn’t feel the same ties holding me here that I once did.  There was still my job that I wanted to hold on to and Ruthann.  But was that it?  Was there nothing else left to hold me here?  I ran through my mental list of reasons I’d wanted to stay in the past.  It was true; the other motivations that I had to stick around were gone now.

Ruthann returned a few hours later to find me in the same place
she’d left me.  “Been quiet today, huh.”

I nodded.  “Yeah, nobody came in but my dad.”

She stopped in the middle of removing her coat and smiled a little.  “Really?  Well, that was nice.”

“Yeah…..he just wanted to check on me.”  I cleared my throat. 
“And to ask me to move with him.”

Ruthann had a curious look on her face. 
“Move?  Where?  Back home?”

I shook my head.  “No, he sai
d he found a place about forty-five minutes East of here.  Didn’t tell me what city.  Just that he found a house – a fixer upper.”

“Oh,” she said causally, obviously trying to suppress what she was really feeling.  “So…..are you going?”

I shrugged again.  “No…I mean….I don’t know.  What do you think I should do?”

“Well, did he give you a time limit?  If not, you should just take y
our time and think about it.  If he’s not rushing you, you certainly shouldn’t rush
yourself
.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense.”  I took a deep breath and watched the clouds rolling in –
bringing cold winds with it no doubt.

“Just take your time and weigh your options.”

I took Ruthann’s advice.  Once the shop closed, I went back to her house to change into some warmer clothes and went for a walk.  Conway had changed so much since my arrival early that summer.  Now, the once vibrant green leaves were all shades of gold and orange, only a few left clinging to the branches of trees that would soon release them to blow wherever the wind carried. A cool breeze rushed past, causing me to shiver and hug myself beneath my hoodie.  It had to have been about fifty degrees out, but I hoped that the fresh air would help me think more clearly.  Ahead, there was a small path off the dirt road that led to the river.  I’d taken this way only once before when on this side of the bridge.

I kept my eyes on my feet as I pushed past the low brush at the entrance of the woods.  I smiled to myself, thinking of how afraid I was of all the new things here that I wasn’t accustomed to back home.  I’d left behind paved roads and manicured lawns to come here and now I was almost a country girl at heart.  As it turns out
, the suburbs may not be for me after all.  I couldn’t even imagine myself in a place like that now.  But I couldn’t let myself think like that because, as of today, the possibility of leaving Conway was extremely real. 

A deep breath followed by a forceful sigh carried that thought from my head.  Thinking about how much I liked it here wasn’t going to change the state of things.  I needed to be focused to look at the facts.  Was there anything in Conway worth me staying for?  Was
I staying behind chasing ghosts?  Ghosts of people who no longer existed in my reality? 

I sat on a rock just a few yards off from the path and looked up at the sky.  It was starting to get dark, but I still hadn’t come to any decision.  “Why is this so hard?”  I asked myself aloud.  Of course I wasn’t expecting a reply, but that didn’t stop me from getting more frustrated when there wasn’t one.  I shuffled my feet through the dry leaves and waited.  Your guess is as good as mine as to what exactly it was I was waiting for.  I just felt like I needed a sign.  Something tangible that would tell me “
Yes, you’re supposed to go
” or “
No, you’re right where you’re meant to be.
”  Was that too much to ask for?

Another sigh escaped and I dropped my gaze back down
to the trees surrounding me……and that’s when I saw him – Jolon, standing there near the river like he always does when he needed to think.  His head hung low while he watched the water, reflecting the gray of the clouds above.  His hands were shoved in the pockets of his jeans.  It took me a few seconds to find my breath.  It’d been weeks since I’d seen him and now more than ever, my heart ached for him.  I wanted to run to him and make him hold me whether he wanted to or not.  Before I could stop myself, I was on my feet and I’d opened my mouth and sucked in a breath of air to yell his name.  Just as I got ready to call out to him, my throat seized up and wouldn’t let any sound escape.

Stop!  What’re you doing?  You’ve chased this man enough and it’s time to let go. 
My subconscious had just kept me from making a huge mistake.  I was tired of pursuing a man that obviously didn’t want to be pursued.  I found myself relating to the leaves I’d seen on my way to the path – the ones still unable to let go although the season was changing and saying that it was time to move on.

Maybe that’s what I’d done.  Maybe I was holding on to my tree although it was no longer holding on to me.  Perhaps my season was over and it was time to see where the w
ind carried me next.  I stood there watching him, feeling my hands fighting against the strain of wanting to touch him.  I closed my eyes and struggled with this feeling until I felt strong enough to resist it.  I opened my eyes and felt as though the distance between us had somehow grown.  I wasn’t done loving him…..but he was done
letting
me love him.  I had no choice but to back away.  So, it ended the way it began – me watching Jolon from a distance.  Only this time, there were no wishful thoughts of what the future could possibly hold for us.  Deep down, I knew that this was the end of my season here in Conway.  The wind was blowing much too strong and this leaf no longer had the strength to hold on.  So…..I let go.

Chapter
Twenty

Hey Hun!

              It’s been so strange not having you here.  Has it really been almost two months already?  Wow….how time flies.  Anyway, I’ve been really busy here at the shop lately.  You’d be surprised how business picks up during the Christmas season.  Lou’s outside manning the Christmas trees and they’re selling fast.  Well, I suppose you’re all settled in by now.  I’m sure you’re looking forward to starting your classes in a couple weeks too.  You’ve really made me proud.  I brag about you to anyone who’ll listen.  You’d think I had a part in raising you or something.  Just make sure to stay in touch.  I understand you’re going to be busier once you start getting homework and having papers to write…..just don’t forget about me. 

I wish you all the luck in the word and remember that I love you

Ruthann

P.S.  Coming to visit anytime soon?

I closed out of my email and smiled.  I’d have to respond later because my dad had already called me twice for dinner.  He’d taken up watching the cooking channel and wasn’t really all that bad a cook now.  I guess he figured one of us would have to learn if we were going to eat something other than pizza, hot dogs, and Spaghetti-o’s for dinner. 

It surprised me how quickly we’d fallen back into how things were before all the drama started.  There was no tension brought on by us being at odds about Alicia – she was completely out of the picture now.  He was letting me have a little more freedom – although I had yet to take advantage of not having a curfew.  Not having any friends here in Saunders mad
e that difficult, but I was hoping that’d change once I started school.  But the lines of communication between me and my dad were wide open and things couldn’t have been better.  My father’s background in construction made him the number one candidate for a local company, so finding work took him no time at all.  Everything was going great for us here.

I’d been accepted to a scho
ol about fifteen miles away that had a great Journalism program.  This move ended up being better for me than I expected.  Once I stopped thinking of everything I was losing, I was able to see how much I’d gained.  I was finally getting ready to start college.  I had my dad back.  I’d gained a lifelong friend in Ruthann, which was more than I could’ve asked for.  And not to mention, this journey taught me how to have peace of mind even when things around me are going crazy.  I’d successfully taken myself off my sleeping pills – flushed them down the toilet weeks ago.

“Solei, your plate’s getting cold.”

“Coming.”  I hurried to shut down my computer and closed it.  When I stood from my seat, my elbow bumped the plant Ruthann gave before leaving, knocking it over in the windowsill.

“Shoot!”
I sighed, hurrying to scoop up the soil from the floor and put it back in the pot before heading downstairs.  I grabbed a piece of paper from my desk to make it go faster.  I pushed a pile of the dirt onto the sheet and then stood to drop it into the pot carefully – just as something caught my eye at the front of the house.  I gasped, dropping the paper and the dirt back down to the floor. I half believed what I was seeing - there, standing in the yard, looking up through my window…..was Jolon.  Instantly, my hands began to shake as I held them to my mouth in shock.  He smiled a little and I don’t even remember opening my bedroom door before sprinting down the stairs.

“Tried my hand at meatloaf.
  Hope it –“

I breezed past my father while he
spoke, only slipping my feet halfway inside my shoes before opening the front door.  It felt like time stopped when our eyes met.  I quickly came to my senses and rushed over to meet him.  In an instant, he picked me up and embraced me.  It felt like I could finally breathe again. 

“I missed you so much.  I know you probably hate me right now, but I had to come see you,” he rambled.

“Shhh…..don’t ruin this,” I said smiling.  “Just hold me.”  Jolon’s arms tightened around me and I buried my face in his shoulder.  Tears were rolling down my cheeks and onto his coat.  If I wasn’t able to see my breath in the air, I might not have even noticed that it was only forty degrees.

I backed away for a second just to look at him and convince myself that he’d really come for me.  When he smiled, I leaned in and kissed him like it was the first time.  I’d tried to cope with the idea of never being able to hold him like this again, making this moment seem even more surreal. 

“How’d you find me?”  I asked.

“Ruthann gave me the name of the town, but the internet gave me the rest.”  His smile faded a little.  “I don’t know how I could’ve been so stupid.  It didn’t hit me until I thought I might not be able to find you.”

I smiled at him again.  “Well, I’m glad you did.”  We kissed again and then my father cleared his throat behind me from the front porch.

“Oh…..um….well, I guess this is as good a time as any for me to introduce you to my father.”  I looked up at Jolon hopefully.  “Can you stay a while?”

His eyes softened and he nodded.  “As long as you want me to,” he replied.  I smiled again and took his hand to lead him inside.

Maybe my theory was wrong.  Perhaps some leaves can stand the cold and the wind if their bond to their tree is strong enough.  Whatever the case may be, I’m just glad that I have him back.  I’m more than willing to forget about the time we spent
apart because the time that we spent together was incredible.  That’s how life is sometimes.  Just when you think you know what’s going to happen, you get the shock of your life and it changes the whole game.   Every story is different which means that every ending is different – but the one thing that stays the same is that love can, and always will, prevail.  Trust me…..

Epilogue

Summer’s on the horizon again and I for one am glad to leave the cool weather behind and break the flip flops and shorts back out. In fact, I have a pair in my bag to change into after the wedding.  At first, I considered taking classes straight through to make up for starting a semester late, but Jolon wouldn’t hear of it.  Living nearly an hour apart only limited our time together a little, but my schedule; however, was another story.  We still managed to see one another a few times a week, but sometimes that was only for an hour or two in between classes.  I smiled when he picked me up after taking my finals and put his foot down, declaring that this summer was all about us – no distractions.  Of course I didn’t put up much of a fight.  As far as I was concerned, there wasn’t anything I’d rather do with my time than spend it with him.

I’ll bet your wondering how the relationship has been considering
how unstable Jolon and I were together in the past.  Were there any episodes where he’s pushed me away again?  The answer to that question is no.  I think that he realized how it backfired the last time and almost pushed me away for good.  Actually, from the day he came and found me in Saunders, we’ve been inseparable ever since. He stuck around that night until around midnight just hanging out with me and my dad. 

Jolon
insisted on apologizing over and over again for avoiding me and treating me so badly after coming back from Laurel Bay.  I don’t think he believed me when I explained that none of that mattered anymore.  He expressed how he thought the only solution for what we’d done was for him to suffer (i.e. cut me off).  He said that he honestly thought he could do it and went to Ruthann’s to test himself, thinking that he could face me and not let his feelings get the best of him.  When he got to the shop and saw that I was gone, he casually asked Ruthann if I had the day off.  She of course told him that I’d been gone for about 9 weeks or so and that’s when he panicked.  She told him I was in Saunders but that was all she knew because we only communicate by phone or email.  He said he thanked her and ran out to the truck, stopping at the library to use the computer on his way toward Saunders.  Somehow he got my address and didn’t think twice about hopping on the freeway and coming to find me. 

I still get chills when I think about that moment I saw him standing there waiting.  It seemed like a dream because I thought I’d lost him forever.  Thought I’d never see him again.  But deep down I don’t think I would’ve made it.  At some point I would’ve tracked him down and pretended to only want to know how he was just to talk to him again.  Fortunately, I didn’t have to do that.  He came after
me
this time. 

After the dinner fiasco,
I fully expected for things between him and Elan to be sketchy for a while, but I had no idea the situation had escalated like it did.  Apparently Elan faked being calm just long enough for Big John to feel comfortable leaving his sons alone after a few days. Jolon said that his father had barely backed the car out the driveway when Elan decided that he’d held back long enough and jumped on him.  They broke everything in their path until one of their friends, I think he said his name was Todd or something, happened to stop by and broke it up. 

Elan accused Jolon of everything
, from only hooking up with me because he wanted to get him back for years of living in his shadow to the two of us screwing in the lake that night they invited me over for their party.  The fight took place in early October and set the tone for the next few months.  The two of them didn’t actually start working things out until February, only speaking to one another when it was absolutely necessary for work up to that point.  Thankfully they’ve come a long way since then. 

Around April, Jolon approached Elan to tell him about us.  He didn’t
want to hide the fact that we were together, fearing that it would seem like he was still trying to sneak behind his back.  He explained to Elan that he wanted to be honest with him about everything, but that leaving me wasn’t an option.  He told him that he loved me and saw us being together from here on out.  I laughed when he told me how he braced himself, thinking that a punch would follow his admission.  But it didn’t.  It took Elan a few seconds to respond, but he eventually gave Jolon his blessing and thanked him for being up front.  He made it clear that he didn’t necessarily like the arrangement, but he’d just have to deal with it…..because that’s what brother’s do.

As it turns out, Elan and Joanna did try their hand at a relationship again
, only to find that they were still just as incompatible as they were in the past.  It lasted up until January when Joanna finally decided to break things off, stating that she needed to know for herself that she was over Elan and that now she was ready to move on for good.  Surprisingly, he didn’t take it all that hard.  Jolon said he was back on his feet and on the prowl again in about a week or so, again searching for his better half and enjoying every minute of the hunt. 

Which brings us to
Kaya.  She made her way to Texas with her sister shortly after our falling out.  She stayed a good six months according to Lou, but got sick of her sister’s nagging and came running and screaming back to Conway to get away from her.  Apparently as much as she hated Jolon and me, she hated her sister even more, making Conway the lesser of two evils.  Against Jolon’s advice, I sent her another letter, hoping that time had softened her up a little.  It had.  While her response was only two lines, answering me that she was fine, that was still more than I expected to get.  It gave me hope.  I decided not to pressure her but just send her a message every now and then to let her know that I’m not giving up on us. 

She’s still single according to Ruthann and apparently not as down on love as I thought.  Apparently Lou
has said that Kaya’s been trying to calm down and change her ways a little because she’s ready to be settled.  Now, I’m not saying that this is fate or anything, but it sounds like she and Elan are looking for the same thing, doesn’t it?  I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe this whole situation turned out the way it did so that the two of them could find each other just like Jolon and I did. I’m fighting Jolon on this one, but I think that maybe there could be a future there for them.  Assuming that they can move past the fact that they have identical personalities…..I don’t know, maybe I’m overanalyzing it.

Anyway, speaking of newfound love, my father has a new lady in his life as well.
They met back in February once his divorce from Alicia was final. Her name’s Miranda and she – is - GREAT!  Nothing at all like Alicia.  She and I hang out even when my dad’s not around and she’s real.  There’s no talking behind my back, no judgmental stares, no secret tension.  I know this for sure because my dad would never let another woman come between us again.  He made it clear to her that I’m the most important things in his life and that to love him is to love me too.  Miranda had no qualms with that.  She actually laughed at his threat and told him to save it because she already loved me like I was her own. 

Alicia tried numerous times to get back on my father’s good side, but he was already on to her.  He shut her down real quick and made it a point to tell her that she’d hurt me which hurt him and that the things she said to me were unforgivable.   I wish I could’ve been a fly on the wall to see her face when he took my side.  I’ll bet her chin was on the floor. 
And Christina?   She’s been really busy from what Tarik tells me, but not in the way that you’re probably thinking.  She’s been busy trying to prepare for the baby she has coming in a few months and trying to track Vince down.  Yep.  Good old Vince strikes again.  Only this time, he won’t be able to walk away quite as easily.  He left Christina alone long before she found out she was expecting, but that news only made him want to get further away from her.  That guy was like a ghost as soon as she told him.  Forgive me for laughing, but you have to appreciate the irony.  I think I enjoy what this is doing to Alicia more than I enjoy what it’s doing to Christina.