Red Sun (49 page)

All I could do was shake my head
in response as I took slow steps to the room I’d claimed beside hers.  I felt her hand on my back as she walked with me, but I was lost in a daze.  As soon as my head hit the pillow, Ruthann covered me with the quilt at the bottom of the bed and then left me to think.  But I didn’t
want
to think.  I finally wanted to sleep.  That was the only thing I could think of that would dull the pain I felt.  Sleep was the only way not to think of him.  So…..like anyone with access to sleeping pills would’ve done….I took two and passed out.

Chapter Nineteen

“Postponed indefinitely,” Ruthann breathed as she hung up the phone.

I peered at her from over my shoulder as I stocked the shelf adjacent from the counter
with the seeds that had just come in.  Ruthann looked frustrated from the phone call.  “What is?”  I asked.

“The wedding,” she
replied.  “Apparently while Joanna was doing her final fitting for her dress she announced that she’s not sure she’s making the right decision, so she wants to wait on the wedding for a while.  Says she just needs a little time.”  Ruthann sighed again, confirming the frustration that I sensed.  “I wonder if she told them all the truth.  Probably not.  It would’ve been too convenient for her to just say that she got cold feet.  Suppose I wouldn’t have told anyone everything either if I was her.”  I heard her chuckle a little to herself.

“If you found something about all this funny, please
share it because I need a laugh,” I said jokingly.

Ruthann conti
nued to smile.  “Well, funny isn’t quite the right word.  Ironic?  Yeah, ironic.  That fits.”

I had a curious look on my face as she continued. 
“It’s just that she’s making such a huge sacrifice for Elan and he’s probably not even thinking about her.  So, she’s putting off a man that loves her and wants to commit to her for a man who only turned to her in the first place because he wanted sex.  It’s terrible that I laughed at that, but I couldn’t help myself.”

I actually smiled.  Ruthann had definitely been my shoulder to cry on during all this trouble I’d gotten myself into.  A few days after returning from Laurel Bay
, I spilled my guts.  Every detail that she didn’t have before, she had now.  She knew about the night of the storm, she knew about the hotel, she knew about Kaya, even the dinner from Hell the night before I returned home.  I half expected her to scold me in disappointment after I’d exposed all of my secrets.  In fact, when she
didn’t
respond this way, I asked, “Aren’t you gonna call and tell my dad or something?  Kick me out?  Take Kaya and Elan’s side?” 

She smiled, reached for my hand and answered, “Judging by the way that dinner went, I’d say that life scolded you enough.  What lesson could I possibly teach you that you haven’t already learned?”

I nodded – absolutely agreeing with that.  The fact that I’d lost out on being with Jolon thanks to my misdealing behind his brother’s back was perhaps the biggest lesson learned.  It taught me how lies and deceit can, and always will, catch up with you in the end.  My mother used to say,
“You may get by, but you’ll never get over.” 
She’d never been more right.  I got away with what I was doing for a while, but eventually I got caught up and lost everything in the process.

Three whole w
eeks had passed without so much as one word from Jolon – not a phone call, not a text, not even a message in a bottle.  Nothing.  I’d given up on calling him after the first week of being blown off and ignored.  My ego could only take so much rejection. At first I thought that maybe he just needed a little time to cool off and put things into perspective as things between him and Elan settled back into place.  That seemed sensible enough.  But then, the days turned into weeks and I realized that this wasn’t a phase – he found himself in a position where he had to choose between me and his brother and – from the looks of things – I’d lost.

Jolon
and Elan had resorted to being placed on Lou’s delivery route to avoid having to come into the shop where they’d have to face me.  It wasn’t hard to understand why Elan didn’t want to be around me, but I can’t lie and say that I made that same allowance for Jolon.  I’d done nothing to him, yet we hadn’t exchanged a word since dinner that night.  In fact, the brief conversation and kiss that we shared in the hallway in his parent’s home was the last contact I’d had with him.  It was unfair.  Unfair and selfish.  Didn’t he care about me?  Didn’t he wonder how I was doing?  What happened to the love he claimed to have for me?  Was it ever real?  Could it have been if it was so easy for him to leave me like this?  I pondered that last thought for a while.  I considered how sick I’d been without him over these weeks and came to a conclusion.  No – he couldn’t love me like he said he did and just cut me off like this.  If he really cared like he said he did he’d be feeling just as miserable as I am and he wouldn’t have been able to stay away. 

Again,
I’d found myself dependant on the help of my sleeping pills to rest at night.  Thoughts of Jolon consumed me to the point that I couldn’t do anything without him being on my mind.  It made me angry that I couldn’t forget him like he’d forgotten me, but forgetting him would’ve meant losing him completely which I wasn’t okay with either.  He left me stuck in limbo.  Stuck between needing him so much and the reality of knowing that I couldn’t have him.  A sad, bitter place to be might I add.

Having a broken heart reminded me of the
last
time I’d had a broken heart.  Kaya’s words haunted me day in and day out.  She’d warned that when Jolon inevitably abandoned me, the sting of losing him would be twice as bad as before.  That was an understatement.  There was no comparison between the two hurts – this situation far outweighed what I’d gone through with Vince.  While I’d shared so much of myself with Vince, I’d given Jolon so much more.  He may not have been the first guy I’d given my body to, but he was the first who’d ever really had my heart.  The love that I thought I had for Vince had nothing on what I felt for Jolon.  Comparing the two is like comparing a swimming pool to the ocean.  But now…..it all felt like a waste.

“Still thinking about writing your letters?”  Ruthann asked, interrupting my thoughts.

I looked back toward the shelf I was stocking and shrugged.  “Thinking about it…..but leaning more toward no than yes.”

Without seeing Ruthann’s face, I could imagine it all scrunched up, surprised at my reluctance. 
“Really?  I thought it was a great idea.  I know they’re all letting you bear the brunt of this thing, but you deserve to be heard too.  They’re all adults.  I’m sure they’d at least hear you out.”

I shrugged again.  Maybe she was right about Jolon and possibly even Elan. 
But Kaya?  No way.  She’d never even pick up anything that had my name on it, let alone read a lengthy letter in its entirety.  Granted there were things that I needed to get off my chest with all three individuals, but part of me felt like I owed Kaya and Elan the space that they both obviously wanted from me.  They were the only two of the trio that I was making that excuse for.  My reasoning for not sending Jolon a letter was slightly different – slightly less noble.  There was a large part of me that didn’t think he deserved the satisfaction of thinking in any way that I was still chasing after him like I’d done basically since moving here.  I’d made phone call after phone call over the past few weeks with no sign of him being as desperate to contact me.  If I sent him anything it would simply be for my own benefit – a chance to give him a piece of my mind one final time.

“Just give it a little more thought.  I think you’ll feel better when you find your voice.  I don’t care what’s happened, don’t let
anyone
silence you,” Ruthann urged.

I nodded, but didn’t meet her gaze, fearing that she’d be able to convince me that writing was the best thing.

That night I continued to dwell on the dreaded letters.  Was it worth taking the time to write?  Would they ever be read?  Was it better for everyone if I just left well enough alone?  Would I possibly say something in one of the letters that would make all of this worse without even realizing it?  As I had that thought I realized that wasn’t possible. Things were already as bad as they could get.

But
if I
did
decide to write, what would I say to Kaya?  Of course I’d begin both her and Elan’s letters with a much deserved apology.  Before they’d listen to anything else I had to say, apologizing would be a prerequisite.  Then what?  Try explaining why I’d done what I’d done?  Was there even an explanation for such a thing?  Love?  Was that the only way to express the force driving me to the inexplicable acts that broke Kaya’s heart? 

How would that go over?
I had to put myself in her shoes to answer that question.  She’d just been betrayed by a close friend to whom she’d lost a guy that she was really into. If I were her, not even
love
would be an excuse.  In fact, love would probably be my enemy which means that anything resembling it, sounding like it, or feeling like it, would be rejected.  I realized then that this approach wouldn’t work.  So what then?  Just an apology?  It seemed like such an understatement to not elaborate and acknowledge some of the things I’d done wrong, but she probably didn’t want to have any of that brought back up.  There was a good length of time that passed while I tried to come up with something profound to say.  When I fell short of the mark, I shrugged and sighed in defeat.  Just an apology it is.  That was the only thing she’d want to hear from me at this point quite honestly.

Without a second thought, I reached over on the side of my bed and grabbed my purse.  I took out my pen and the small note pad that I keep inside and started to write.  I didn’t stop until I’d told her exactly how remorseful I felt for hurt
ing her.  I told her how much her friendship meant to me and how I was hopeful – not expectant – that one day she’d hear me out in person and that maybe we’d be able to work things out.  I got an envelope from Ruthann’s desk.  Just as I closed my door, I sighed and doubled back for two more, knowing that eventually I’d get to writing at least one of the other letters too.

I sat there staring at the envelope in my hand.  It only had Kaya’s name across the front because Ruthann off
ered to hand deliver it if I ever got around to actually putting my feelings down on paper.  In fact, she offered to drop off all three when I finished if I was uncomfortable doing it myself, which came as a relief. I felt a small weight being lifted off my shoulders.  This was the first step toward righting my wrongs.  Surprisingly, it felt good to be moving in that direction.  I imagined I’d feel even better once I knew Kaya had received the envelope and had the chance to read it.  Whether she actually did that or not, was up to her.

I stared at the empty sheet of paper exposed in my notebook.  The pen beside it seemed to be beckoning for me to pick it up and finish what I started.  Seeing as how I still wasn’t sold on extending myself to Jolon again, I was contemplating my message to Elan. 

The paper seemed to take on a life all its own.  I stared down on it with intimidation as if it possessed some hidden mysticism that threatened to do me harm.  Why?  Why was this so hard?  Yes, I’d messed up in a big way, but everyone’s messed up in the past.  Besides, Elan was no angel in all this either.  He’d blamed the whole incident with Joanna on my distance physically and emotionally.  But was that a valid excuse?  I recalled my behavior toward him recently.  Was it possible that he picked up on something being off?  Of course it was.  But did that make what he did alright?  In some ways I’d have to say yes if I’m being honest with myself.  Don’t misunderstand – I know his actions were anything but right, but considering my offense, I had to ignore his to an extent.  If he’d done something like this under normal circumstances he’d be guilty as sin – no doubt about it.  However, because I know better than anyone else what my faults were in this situation, I have to give him a pass.

I drew in a breath and started writing again.  As I watched my words spill across the paper – truthful and honest – I wondered how I’d gone from being dead set against letting any of them know how
I was feeling to letting so much out in one night.  Was it a selfish move?  An attempt at relieving some of the pressure that I felt building up in my head from the stress?  Was I just finally ready to let it all go and move forward?  As I asked myself that last question a familiar ache that I’d become accustomed to reminded me that this was untrue.  So much of me was still tied up in Jolon that it could be a lifetime before I finally got to that point.

When I finished, I read and re-read over and over again, making sure that I’d said everything the way I meant for it to be said and hadn’t contradicted myself in any way.  I was satisfied.  Following
the apology I went right into telling him that my intentions – while not honorable – were never to come between him and his brother.  I even sacrificed myself to possibly persuade him into salvaging what was left of their relationship by telling the half-truth that I was the one who made all the advances toward Jolon – not the other way around.  I knew it’d make me look worse, but I didn’t care.  If there was a chance it could make him see Jolon in a slightly better light it was worth it.  That wasn’t for Jolon’s sake so much as much as it was to prove to myself that I wasn’t as self-centered as I was beginning to think I was.

I sealed this new envelope and wrote Elan’s name
neatly across the front, hoping that if it was written in a friendlier type of handwriting it would make him more likely to actually read it.  Stupid I know, but I was desperate to be heard.  This time when I was finished, the paper and pen beside me were silent.  There was no pull, no calling, no longing to finish the third letter.  Two was enough for tonight – maybe for good.  I wasn’t sure. 

I pushed the notepad to the floor with force and rolled my eyes.  Deep down inside, I wished that Jolon had been standing right there in front of me so that I could cry, scream, and yell from the top of my lungs everything that was cluttering up my brain.  I wanted to tell him the truth –
that I was shocked and disappointed by the way things turned out, that I couldn’t believe he’d gone back on his word when he’d said that he’d never make me feel unwanted again.  Then once I got done telling him the truth, I wanted to tell him lies – that I hated him and never wanted to see his face again, that I wished I’d never come here to Conway and had never met him in the first place.  I wanted him to feel as used and disposable as I felt.  Maybe I’d be able to hide my true feelings long enough for him to buy that.