Royally Screwed: British Monarchy Revealed (10 page)

Like his Uncle before him, this Prince has a supreme arrogance.

And now the scene is set for Queen Wallis II, or Duchess Millie (who really is Princess of Wales, Queen in waiting, the defender of adultery, poor taste and bad breath) to drag the godless country of England into God knows what.

Millie – HERStory

Born Camilla Shand.

Father was a cavalry officer in the Royal Household and Mother was the daughter of the third Baron of Ashcombe.  The family had built most of Pimlico (quite posh) and Belgravia (extremely posh) in London which meant she was stinking rich and there was absolutely no need for Millie to work, find a career or a reason to be useful, so consequently - she didn’t.  She became best known to her friends and family as ‘The laziest woman in England’.

She had two great passions - hunting and humping… probably not in that order.  To her friends and fans she was forward, uninhibited and bohemian.  To the rest of us she was ‘a slapper’, ‘a goer’, ‘and a slag’.

When Chucky embarked on his first passionate liaison with Millie in 1972, she was dismissed almost immediately by the Crown as unsuitable for the role of Princess of Wales.  Her reputation had preceded her and they deemed her ‘Second Hand Goods’.

Their opinion of her was not as devastating as it might have been, because she was just filling in time with HRH, as her heart was really somewhere else. This doesn’t mean she wasn’t terribly flattered to be held in such high esteem by the future King of England, but as sexually stimulating as it was for both parties, Millie was anxiously waiting for her dashing Officer of the Cavalry, Andie Plonker Balls to finally pop the question. 

In 1973, after a six-year wait, it eventually came and Millie accepted without a second thought and left poor old Chucky all adrift.  That’s because he was on a boat at the time somewhere in the Caribbean.

Just because Millie never worked a day in her life (unless you count four months as a receptionist at Colefax and Fowler Interior Designer) didn’t mean she was lacking in ambition.  She had it in bucket loads.  Her ambition was to follow in her late Great Grandmother’s footsteps and become the mistress to the Prince of Wales.

Her late Great Grandmother was Alice Keppel; long time mistress of Chucky’s Great Grandfather, King Edward VII
^th
.

‘My Great Grandmother was your Great Grandfather’s mistress – so how about it?’ These were the now famous first words to come out of Millie’s mouth the first time she met her Chuckypie.

Subtle, discreet, shocking and lacking any morality was ever part of Millie’s charm, and if jumping into bed with a rattlesnake was your choice, you were home! As Prince Chucky was just a weak ’ol possum that loved to be dominated, it meant, to him that she was completely irresistible!

After several years of marriage to Andy Plonkie Ballie and two children later they agreed on an open marriage, she was now free to pursue on her lifelong ambition of becoming mistress to the Prince with gusto and she suggested picking up where the two of them left off several years before.  Chucky thought the idea was excellent and from that moment on Millie became the sole provider of his sexual proclivities and whims and his greatest confidante.

Nothing daunted or deterred them, they pursued their affair with a reckless abandon that would humiliate Millie’s husband and anyone else who witnessed it, groping each other in public places like punch drunk teenagers.  Other girlfriends came and went, and potential wives were found and brought before the Prince but they were merely humiliated as Chucky only wished to worship at the alter of Millie.  Her role as mistress completely secured, she felt the affair could be better served if Chucky (now 36) was married as well. 

Andy Porker Bully was laying down his wife for his country and it would only be fair if Chucky could play along and find a partner who would be only too willing to do the same – sorta.

Finding a Bride for Chucky wasn’t as straightforward as it might have first appeared.  Chucky was the most eligible bachelor in the world and his bride would be Queen of England!
That had to look good on any guys’ resume.

We’re off to a promising start.  Chucky had all the equipment and the tackle that any man could wish for – and we know this because the British tabloids had snapped a picture of the ‘Royal Member’ after ‘it’ was exposed during a sailing trip. 

A large gust of wind picked up and blew his kilt over his head.  The cameras began snapping away.  Tape measures began sizing the developed pictures – is nothing sacred?  Together, the credentials looked promising but that, unfortunately, was where it ended.

The equipment was useless because the only person capable of operating it was Millie!!!! Chucky, by all accounts, was a boorish and tactless lover. Unbelievable!  (In later life, Chuckie scored a dynamic zero out of a possible 10 on Diana’s lover chart - How could that have happened?!) He appeared to lack any charm or finesse with other women. 

Aristocratic, well-to-do Royal Groupies were brought to his bedroom door like $5.00 hookers to satisfy his basic needs, and were then abandoned to be driven home by servants leaving them feeling empty and used - which they were!  Millie controlled everything. The brain and the pee pee. And as the pee pee was the greater member of that team, it was safe to say that Millie did the thinking for all three of them. 

Into this cesspit of lies and duplicity walked an extremely innocent and unworldly teenager, Lady Diana Spencer. As a brood mare and a vacant womb, which, let’s face it, is really all she was as far as the Royal Family were concerned, Lady Diana Spencer, was almost perfect. At 19, she was a virgin, which was of vital importance if she were going to marry a future King. 

The Spencer Family could trace their dynasty all the way back to the Stuarts, the English wives of Henry VIII and somewhere along the way, George Washington. This was far more impressive than anything the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Windsors, of German Teutonic and Greek stock, could come up with. 

The name Windsor may have conjured up images of Shakespeare and Elizabeth I, Henry V and the battle of Agincourt.  But now with Lady Diana Spencer, they could actually inject some terribly British blood and height!  Diana was 5 foot 10” and Queen Elizabeth, 5’2”. 

Chucky had bumped into this young brood mare by accident and Millie and Chucky couldn’t believe their luck. They spent hours together between the sheets thinking up ways to seduce her.  If you have ever seen the film ‘Cyranno De Bergarac’, a handsome young suitor uses the words of extremely unattractive brilliant older man with the rather long proboscis (nose) to seduce the beautiful young heroine. This plot was not too dissimilar. Millie worked Chucky like a puppet, putting all the right words into his mouth and luring Diana into their horrid little web.  What could possibly go wrong?

So Chucky did his duty and found an unblemished virgin with good bones, four inches of extra height, a dynamic British heritage to inject into the Windsor bloodline.  He proposed without any great romantic fuss or flurry and to his complete surprise – she accepted! She was very young and began to giggle which annoyed her future husband, as he reminded her; he was to be the future King of England so this contract was to be taken seriously.  I’m surprised she didn’t swoon at the love and devotion he was offering.  NOT!!!

Several weeks before the wedding, Chucky began having second thoughts.  The reality of this forthcoming marriage started to intrude on the fantasy he had created with his paramour.  Little things started to bother him and had our Chucky all worried and anxious about his forthcoming nuptials. Things like: maybe she’s too young; we have little or nothing in common; I don’t know her; we’re complete strangers; I don’t love or even like her that much.  Desperate and concerned he phoned Millie to share his feelings about his cold feet and maybe it would be for the best if they just call the whole thing off! Millie wasn’t having any of it! She was furious! It was their plan and it was brilliant. Didn’t he trust her? Didn’t he know that SHE knew far better than he what was best for him!  So enraged she banged down the phone and refused to even speak to him until he relented.  She was nothing if not focused. So relent he did.  He couldn’t have his lover angry with him.  That would be terrible.  So the wedding went ahead.

The engagement was officially announced; Diana was informed that morning that she would be moving into Buckingham Palace. She packed very quickly and couldn’t tell any of her friends or notify her family.  She arrived at the large Palace all alone, greeted by a handful of faceless servants.  No one from her new family was there to meet or welcome her to her new home.

The only thing that welcomed her when she arrived was a letter, written several days earlier, from none other than dear ’Ol Millie.  Would Diana like to meet her for lunch?  They could be ‘friends’.  How “Terribly Naice”!  In retrospect, how chilling.

Millie did make one glaring error in her pre-nuptial calculation.  It was Millie’s considered opinion that Diana was ‘a silly little girl’, ‘a perfect piece of wife fodder’ and that their adulterous liaison would be able to continue as smoothly as it had before he was wed, because Diana was certainly ‘no threat’ to them.