Rush Into You (22 page)

“No, Gabby. You’re what I want.” He took another step forward to bridge the short distance between us. I pushed my hands out in front of me to keep him from coming any closer. I would lose my courage to say what I needed to say if he touched me.

“Fuck, Ryker!” I cried. “You DON’T know me! I don’t even know who I am! I wake up in the morning and throw this facade on before leaving the house, pretending to be someone that I’m not. I’ve lost track of who I really am in this game of who I’m
supposed
to be. When I’m alone at night, I shed the skin I wear for other people and I’m disgusted with what I see. I’m disgusted with who I am. I’m disgusted with what I’ve done.”

I paced the small walkway, tapping my fingers together while thoughts flew through my mind at lightning speed. I took a deep breath to try and reign in my emotions.

“Sometimes I feel like it’d just be easier to give up. To give in to the demons that own me.” I sighed and ran my hands down my face, “It seems that no matter what I do, there’s always a darkness that follows me, sucking out any light I try to create for myself.”

“Giving up isn’t the answer.”

“When I used to get high, the heroin would numb me. All the pain and memories were just a dull ache instead of a constant throbbing pain that consumed me. My life always sucked, but it was easier. I didn’t need to make decisions or feel things. Everything revolved around getting money, getting drugs, and getting high. All I worried about was chasing that rush that flooded through me.”

“But that wasn’t living. You were alive, but not really. And death isn’t the answer.”

“I’m not talking about dying, Ryker. But at times like this, when I feel hopeless, I think it’d be easier to just start getting high again.”

“If you start shooting dope again, you’ll die this time and you know it. Someone may not be there to help you.”

That got my attention. I stood up straighter and my eyes narrowed in suspicion. I’d never told him about my overdose. Until this moment, I’d never even questioned how I got to the hospital that day. It hadn’t crossed my mind to wonder how an ambulance knew to come save me.

“How did you…” I didn’t finish my question. My eyes widened in understanding, the only possible answer to how he knew so clear. “You were there.” I said it as a statement, not a question.

Pain and guilt carved itself into Ryker’s face. His eyebrows pulled tightly, and his eyes tired. He looked older. A cross between a groan and a sigh escaped his lips from deep within his chest. “I was going to tell you.”

“You were going to tell me?” I yelled, stepping towards him. “Exactly when were you going to tell me, Ryker?”

His strides were long as he closed the distance between us, “Oh, come on! Don’t give me that shit! Like you haven’t kept anything from me? Your entire life is one big fucking secret, Gabby! I don’t know what I need to do to prove you can trust me!”

“Trust you?” I spit. “Yeah, because not telling me you called nine-one-one and witnessed my overdose is so trustworthy! That’s a bit different, don’t you think?”

“Well, maybe if you ever mentioned that you overdosed on fucking heroin in the first place, I would’ve mentioned that I was there. But I didn’t want to bring up something that I knew would be a painful memory for you. When exactly would’ve been a good time to tell you? When we were having sex? At the Red Sox game? Tonight at the fair?” His voice raised an octave. “Oh, by the way, Gabby, remember when we first met? Well, I happened to go back to your apartment that night and found you slumped over in the bathroom with a needle sticking out of your arm and called nine-one-one.”

I glared at him, giving him the dirtiest look I could muster.

“Yeah, I didn’t think so.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“No, I’m not an asshole. I’m someone who fucking cares about you, and I want you to let me in instead of continuing to close me out. Talk to me instead of letting your past take over your present and future. You know as well as I do that if you start getting high again, you’re as good as dead. I’m not going to let that happen.”

I wrapped my arms tightly around my middle and tucked my chin into my chest, my hair covering my face in a curtain. I gave in to the quake of my knees and lowered myself to the cold ground. I was squatting with my knees together, my boots keeping me balanced with my ass just inches above the walkway. I was just too tired to stand, too tired to think. I wanted to go lay down in my bed, and end this night.

I pressed my face into my hands and sobbed. I cried ugly tears—embarrassing noises escaped from deep within me as my body shook and snot ran from my nose. I kept my head buried so Ryker couldn’t see my face. I didn’t want him to see the mess that I’d become.

This argument would never have happened if I’d just waited to see if Ryker would ask me about what Rachelle had said. If I’d waited to see what his reaction to everything would be. But I’d gotten scared and tried to scare him away. And I hadn’t expected to find out he was there when I’d overdosed over year ago, especially not tonight on top of everything else.

Ryker kneeled beside me and wrapped his strong arms around me, gripping me tightly. His touch kept me from completely falling apart as he calmed me down and glued me back together. My sobs slowly eased into quiet tears, and I took a deep breath to calm my heart rate down. I wiped my face with the sleeves of my shirt, trying to rid my face of tears and snot. Slowly, I lifted my face and looked at him, expecting to see pity in his eyes.

But I didn’t.

I only saw love.

Ryker’s hands fisted my hair tightly. It didn’t hurt, but the strength behind his grasp kept my head locked in one spot, looking straight at him. When he saw I wasn’t going to break away, his fingers loosened, massaging my scalp tenderly. He spoke quietly, but his voice held power.

“You’re still here in one piece in front of me, even after everything you’ve been through. You were smiling and laughing like a little girl earlier, so fucking happy while running around that my chest got tight just watching you. And the way you kissed me?” Ryker groaned, bringing his hands down to the sides of my neck, his fingers resting low on the back of my head, and his thumbs trailing across my jawline.

“I know that was real. You weren’t faking that. I know there are things I don’t know about you, but damn it Gabby, we have time for that. You can tell me everything when you are ready. I won’t run. I’ve told you already that I’m not done with you.” His fingers wiped more of my tears away. “I don’t want to be done with you.”

My eyes locked on his, mesmerized by the unique colors that were all Ryker. The gold and blue contrasted with each other, the sunny rays battling against a blue storm, both wanting to take over and come out on top.

“I can’t tell you everything will be okay,” Ryker whispered. “I’d be lying. But I can tell you that I’ll be here for you. You can always talk to me, and I’ll always listen. I’m not here to judge you.”

“I thought about telling you.” I sniffed. “I knew I would one day when I told you everything else. Part of me never wanted you to know anything about my past, though, even if you already knew a little bit. I just don’t want you to ever look at me with anything other than love in your eyes. I can’t bear to lose you.”

“You won’t lose me. But you’re going to need to share yourself with me sometime. I don’t want to force you into it, but things will be better when you do. When I’m out with you and some random person approaches us talking shit, I want to be clued in. I hate standing there not knowing what’s going on. I hate that your bearing the weight of this by yourself. Let me help you.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything.

Ryker’s mouth was on mine in an instant, his lips claiming mine with such passion that I fell the last couple of inches to the ground. He didn’t hesitate in his possession of me; he followed me with his mouth and never let go. His arm was wrapped around me, keeping my head from hitting the ground as he used his power to pull me forward on his lap, the front of our bodies pressed hard against each other. Ryker moved his passion to my neck, licking and nipping my sensitive skin, marking me as his. I let my head roll back, giving him full access to my neck and chest which he took advantage of. His strong arms squeezed me, and his mouth slowed down, pressing light kisses along my collar bone, gentle whispers against my skin.

I touched my lips to his forehead, then rested my cheek against his temple. “I’m sorry, Ryker,” I whispered.

He grabbed my purse on the ground where I dropped it, then stood up smoothly with me in his arms, never faltering from my added weight. “I know, babe. Me too. Come on,” he whispered back as he carried me into my apartment.

I DIDN’T KNOW how I’d gone so long without feeling happy, but now that I was, I didn’t want to let it go. I knew my happiness had to do with the man still sleeping in my bed. His bare chest pressed up against my naked back was a welcome feeling this morning. Our date last night was amazing, but the ending was horrible. I was sure that Ryker would have walked away. Anyone else would have left, but he stayed, and fought me when I’d tried to push him away. I almost let Rachelle ruin the one thing that made me feel like the old me. Better than the old me.

I had done some thinking last night after Ryker fell asleep, and as hard as it was going to be…I had to tell him the whole truth. He must have an idea of what I’d been hiding because of Rachelle, but I knew that he wanted to hear it from me. I owed him that much. I didn’t know when I would tell him, but I knew it had to be soon. The secrets would eventually get in the way of our relationship.

I gently rolled over so I was facing Ryker. He’s about a foot taller than me, so my lips were even with his chest. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but continued to study him instead. The sight of him before me, sleeping so soundly and looking so comfortable, made me smile. He was genuinely a good guy. He wore his tough guy shield and bad boy attitude around everyone else, but I got to see the real Ryker. Asleep, he appeared almost vulnerable.

I propped myself up on my elbow and reached up to slowly trail kisses from his Adam’s apple back down to his chest. His eyes were still closed, though I felt his heart beating faster. I decided to tease him a little more and see what it took to wake him up in the morning.

Licking my lips to moisten them, I continued kissing his broad chest. I let my hand roam across his hard abs before allowing it to travel a little lower, over his happy trail, which led to a place that certainly gave me happy memories last night. It made me blush just thinking about it.

I decided to wake Ryker up by straddling his lower body. Through the thin cotton of my panties, I could feel that at least part of him was awake. I wiggled a bit on top of his hardness, noting once again the size of him. Ryker grabbed my hips as he let out a husky groan. He rocked me slowly back and forth, his eyes still closed.

“Mmmm,” I moaned. “Morning, Ryker.”

Ryker’s eyes slowly opened, and my breath hitched at the intensity of his hooded blue and gold gaze. He had the most beautiful eyes, and they made my body burn in all the right places.

“Hey, gorgeous,” he murmured, stretching his whole body beneath me. I could feel his already hard body tighten even more, and another small moan escaped my parted lips. This man was going to turn me into a freaking sex fiend without any real effort on his part. All he had to do was stretch and say hi, and a fire ignited in my lower belly.

I smiled while gently rubbing against him.

“Hungry for more already?” Ryker chuckled as he gripped my hips. “Didn’t we just fall asleep?”

“I think I’ll always be hungry for you, Ryker.” I blushed as I added quietly, “Last night was…it was amazing.”

“Yeah, I am pretty awesome.” He winked at me, his grin cocky.

I laughed and leaned down to kiss his lips. I snuggled against his chest and breathed in his unique scent. I didn’t know what kind of cologne Ryker used, or if he used any at all, but he always smelled amazing. It was like a mixture of smoke, soap, and leather, and a scent that was unique to him.

“I like waking up next to you.” I giggled, rolling my hips again for effect.

He looked down his body with his eyebrows raised in amusement and smirked. “It looks like I enjoy waking up underneath you.”

I followed his eyes and saw his erection straining for freedom against his black boxer briefs, and my body shook with laughter.

“Keep laughing like that on top of me, and I’ll be inside you in a second.”

“Are you threatening me?” I asked in mock horror, continuing to wiggle against him. I lowered my voice, “Or is that a promise?”

I squealed with delightful surprise when Ryker flipped me over with lightening speed. My arms were pinned above my head, locked in a steel grip by one of his large hands. “Oh, it’s a promise,” he growled, nipping my lower lip.

I arched into him, eager for his touch first thing in the morning. My sex was naturally wet already, but Ryker’s touch was making me soaked. His free hand roamed my body, outlining my curves tormentingly slow. He spent extra time on my breasts, tracing their fullness before dipping down to my waist, and back out over my hips. The smoldering look of his hooded eyes told me he liked what he saw.