Seek Me With All Your Heart (26 page)

The gentle way David spoke to Martha touched Emily so much that a tear did spil . She quickly wiped it away with her free hand, just as she felt David squeeze her hand again. She squeezed back.

“I suppose we need to bury him.” Martha looked down at the bird and started to cry again. Then she turned to Emily. “I’l need a day or two to think about arrangements.”

yard after saying a few brief prayers. Why a day or two to make arrangements? Wouldn’t Elvis be rather
Arrangements?
Emily had been nine years old when her hamster died, and they’d just buried it in a box in the back
.
.
.
unpleasant
by then? She crinkled her nose.

“Do you want us to fetch Mr. Becker for you?” Emily offered.

Martha immediately shook her head. “No. I don’t want him to see me like this.” She twisted her mouth to one side. “I think that old man has a big crush on me, and I don’t want to ruin his fine image of me.” She final y smiled without crying. Then she looked down again. “My poor, poor Elvis.”

“Do you know what—what happened?” Emily bit her bottom lip.

“No. My Elvis has had the best of everything.” Martha stared down at the bird for a moment, then looked up at Emily. “Can you help me plan Elvis’s funeral?”

“Funeral?” Emily tried to hide her shock. “I mean, sure.

Do you want me to find a cardboard box?”

Martha glared at Emily in a way that almost frightened her. “Would you bury a member of your family in a cardboard box?” She rol ed her eyes. “Never mind. I’ve been to an Amish funeral, and I don’t recal it doing justice to the dead.”

David smiled. “We keep things simple, but I’m sure Emily wil help you with Elvis’s arrangements, whatever that might be.”

Emily shot David a look, then smiled at Martha. “Of course I wil .”

“No. I owe it to Elvis to do it myself. You can just put together the list of people who wil attend, and I’d like everyone to bring food to my home, as is customary.” She opened her eyes wide. “I’ve been to plenty of funerals and brought plenty of food, and Elvis deserves the same courtesies.”

“Okay.” Emily was thinking about who she was supposed to invite to a bird’s funeral.

Martha sighed. “I guess I should probably cal Arnold. I should have never hung up on him. But I’m in shock.”

“Of course you are.” David patted her arm. “Martha, I was wondering . . .” He took a deep breath. “What are you going to do with Elvis? I mean, until the funeral.”

Good question
, Emily thought.

“I reckon I’l put him in the deep freeze.”

Emily let go of David’s hand as she stood. She took a step backward and covered her mouth with her hand.

“You got a better idea, Miss Emily?”

Emily was startled by Martha’s sharp tone. “No, I suppose not.”

Martha ran a hand through her tangled curls. “I’d like to be alone with Elvis now. Emily, let’s plan to have the funeral at eleven o’clock on Thursday morning. And I’m not happy with God right now, but it seems fitting to have a member of the clergy recite. So get your bishop here as wel .”

Emily’s jaw dropped. “What?”

“I’m sure we’l figure something out, Martha,” David interjected before Emily could tel Martha how ridiculous that was, and how no bishop she knew of would recite final rites over a bird. “We’l go ahead and leave you alone now.”

They said good-bye, and Emily marched ahead of David, down the porch steps, and to her buggy. She heard David close the door behind her.

“Emily, wait!”

She spun around as David walked toward her. “This is crazy.” She lifted her hands in the air. “How are we going to gather people together for a funeral for a bird? And there is no way I’m asking Bishop Esh! Why in the world would she want me to help her with the arrangements? Shouldn’t her new boyfriend be helping her?” Emily pul ed the door of her buggy open, only to have David slam it shut.

“What are you—”

He pul ed her toward him, then cupped her cheeks in his hands. His lips met hers with more tenderness than any words could have offered. Their kiss seemed to go on forever.

Emily’s mind could only focus on one thing.
I love you, David. I wish you could love me back
.

Vdren wouldn’t open it and see what’s inside.ERA PACED BACK and forth across the bedroom, staring at the box she’d put on the middle of their bed so that the chil

“Why didn’t you just send it with Emily when she went to check on Martha?” Elam asked as he dropped his towel and winked at her.

Vera kept pacing and rol ed her eyes. “Get dressed, Elam. I’m too upset to think about what you’re thinking about right now.”

Elam chuckled, ran a hand through his wet hair, then pul ed a drawer open and took out some underwear. “Have you counted it?”

Vera gasped. “Wel , of course not. The amount is not important. The fact that Martha would give us a box ful of money is inappropriate. The minute I saw al those hundred dol ar bil s, I slammed the lid closed. I wil return it to her tomorrow myself.”

Elam tiptoed to the bed and playful y tapped on the box. “Maybe we should just have a little look-see.”

Vera slapped his hand. “We wil not.” She unpinned her
kapp
from her head and let her hair fal to her waist over her white nightgown. “Stay away from the box.”

“Wil it permanently be residing in the middle of our bed?” Elam grinned.

“I just haven’t decided what to do with it yet.” Vera put her hands on her hips and stared at Martha’s gift. “Does she think we are poor? Why would she give us this, Elam? That box is stuffed ful of money!”

Elam sat down on the bed and raised his brows repeatedly, grinning like a sil y boy. “I don’t know.”

Vera grabbed the box from the bed and clutched it to her chest. “It real y doesn’t matter, does it? I mean, we’re going to return it anyway.”

“Of course we are.” Elam leaned back on one elbow in just his underwear. “So it doesn’t matter if we see just how generous Martha is.” He sat up. “Oh, come on, Vera. Let’s just see how much is in there.”

Vera pressed her lips together and thought for a minute. “Let’s don’t tel a living, breathing soul we did this.”

Elam clapped his hands together. “Dump it out. Let’s have a look!”

Vera sat down on the bed beside her husband and slowly pul ed the lid off the box. Then she dumped the cash on the bed between her and Elam.

Elam’s eyes grew as big as saucers.

So did Vera’s.

Fifteen

IF THERE WAS A WRONG SIDE OF THE BED, EMILY HAD woken up on it the day after Second Christmas. David hadn’t said anything after kissing her. He’d just gotten into his buggy, waved, and left. It confused Emily, but now she had to focus on planning a funeral for a bird—or at least contributing to the funeral by creating the guest list. She’d already spent the morning trying to train Beth Ann to work in the store, but Beth Ann was scatterbrained. Emily wasn’t sure Beth Ann was keen on working in the family’s dry goods store while Jacob tended the land. Not much to do this time of year, but Jacob was making some repairs on the outside of the house today, before planting season took up al of his time.

Her mother was humming in the kitchen, louder than usual, and it was grinding on Emily’s nerves—more than usual. Everything was building, and she was resentful about everything in her life. She wanted to lash out at someone. And her mother was the only one at home. Since school didn’t start back until tomorrow, Betsy had gone with their father and Levi to instal a solar panel.

“Why don’t we ever talk about what happened to me?” Emily put her hands on her hips and chal enged her mother to a conversation they’d avoided up to now. “About my—my
.
.
.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the word.

Mamm
turned her back to Emily and started drying dishes that were in the drain. “I didn’t think you wanted to talk about it.”

“Why do you always have to be so happy when my life is ruined?” Emily walked to the window and peered out into the sunshine, snow stil piled high in every direction, and she set her gaze on the snow-capped mountains. She wondered what the view from the top would look like when she climbed one of the mountains and left al her worries behind
. Will that day ever come?
She kept her back to her mother as she went on. “You pretend that nothing happened to me. I would think that each time you look at me and see the scar on my forehead, that maybe you would be reminded about what I went through. But, no
.
.
. you just carry on with your own perfect life, in your own perfect world.” She grunted to herself. “Lucky you.”

When there was no response, she swirled around.
Mamm
was stil drying dishes with her back to Emily. “I’m sorry you feel that way,” her mother said without turning around.

Emily faced the window again. She raised the green blind al the way up so she could see the tops of the highest mountains. “You don’t even care what happened to me.”

A dish went smashing to the floor, and Emily turned around in time to see her mother pick up a second dish and throw it to the floor. Emily thought her heart might stop. “
Mamm!
What are you doing?” She took a step forward, but her mother held out her hand and motioned for her to stay back.

“Is that what you think, Emily? Is it? Is that real y what you think, that I don’t care?” Her mother bent at the waist, hugging herself with one arm. “Do you not think for one minute that I wouldn’t trade places with you? Do you not think that every time I look at you I realize what a bad mother I am? I wasn’t able to protect you from that animal.”
Mamm
began to sob, and Emily took a step forward. Her mother again held out an outstretched hand for Emily to stay back.

Emily stood perfectly stil .

“I wanted to find him and hurt him!”
Mamm
cried harder. “My thoughts were, and often continue to be, in a direction God would never approve of, and I have to pray daily for Him to cleanse me of these thoughts.” She placed both hands flat on her chest. “Do I care, Emily? Do I care?” She hung her head, and Emily couldn’t move. “More than you could ever possibly know until you have a child of your own, and someone wrongs that child in a way that is unimaginable. I pray you never know how that feels.”
Mamm
could hardly catch her breath. “If I’ve handled it badly, Emily, I’m sorry. I thought that if I made things as cheery as possible around here, that if we didn’t talk about it, that maybe you would heal. Not forget, but be able to move forward.”
Mamm
took a few deep breaths. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Emily.”

Emily ran to her mother’s arms, sobbing as she sidestepped broken dishes. “I’m sorry,
Mamm
. I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you. I just didn’t think you understood or cared, and I needed to talk about it. I can never get married and have children, and my whole life changed on that one night, and—”

Her mother pushed her from her arms. “Emily, is that what you think? That you can never get married and have children? The doctors said there is no reason why you shouldn’t be able to have al the
kinner
you want. Why would you say such a thing?”

Emily hung her head and cried. “I’m not pure anymore, or worthy of a husband.”

Mamm
clutched tightly to Emily’s arms. “Look at me,” she said sternly. “Emily Detweiler, you listen to me. You are worthy of any man’s love, and any man would be blessed to have you as his
fraa
. Do you hear me? What happened to you was not your fault, and no man worthy of your affections wil think any less of you.” She pul ed Emily into her arms. “My dear baby girl, I’m so sorry we didn’t talk sooner. I’m so sorry you’ve had these thoughts.”

Emily clung tightly to her mother and cried, and she stayed in her mother’s arms until both of them could contain their sobbing.

When they final y separated, head. “I love you so much.”
Mamm
pushed back a strand of Emily’s hair away from her face. Then she kissed her fore

“I love you too,
Mamm
.”

“I guess instead of spil ing al my emotions to Lil ian and trying to hide them from you, I should have just talked with you, been there for you, and listened to you, and—”

Emily tensed up. “What do you mean
.
.
. talked to Lil ian?”

“When I told Lil ian about what happened to you, it—”

Emily jumped back, pieces of china crushing beneath her black tennis shoes. “You told Lil ian?”

“She was very understanding, Emily, and at the time, I thought it was better to vent my emotions to her, instead of you. It was
gut
to have a friend, and I thought I was sparing you.”
Mamm
shook her head, but it was al coming together for Emily. “I know better now.”

“Does Lil ian know about—about the . . .” Emily’s heart was thumping against her chest.

“
Ya
, and I know—”

Emily backed away. “
Mamm
, how could you? How could you tel Lil ian about this?”

No wonder David keeps pulling away from me. He knows. He knows what happened. He
does
think I am unworthy! Why else would he kiss me, then
apologize
.
.
. more than once?

“Emily, Lil ian has become a
gut
friend to me. I didn’t think you would mind me tel ing her.”

Emily dried her eyes with her sleeve. She’d upset her mother enough for one day, but there was something she needed to know. “Can I use the buggy?”

“Emily, are you al right? I’m sorry if I betrayed a confidence. That wasn’t my intention.”

Mamm
looked so frail that Emily just shook her head. “No, it’s okay.”

“Where do you need to go?”
Mamm
reached for a tissue from the box on the counter. She handed one to Emily, then dabbed one on her eyes.

“I just want to go for a drive. Some time by myself. Or . . .” Emily paused. “Do you need me to help start supper?”

Mamm
shook her head as she eyed the broken china on the floor. “No, you go ahead.”

Emily hugged her mother. “Do you want me to help you clean this up first?”

Mamm
grinned. “No. I’m the one who threw dishes on the floor like a crazy person. I’l clean it up.”