Authors: Jean Ure

Skinny Melon and Me (19 page)

BOOK: Skinny Melon and Me

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I could see that the Melon was doubtful, but at least it shut her up and stopped her dripping all over the place. When her mum came to collect her (in her old VW) I went out to the car with her and reminded her, in what I hoped were comforting tones, that when Mum first got married to Roly I thought he was the biggest creep around. “And now,” I said, “I quite like him.” I said that what happened was, you sort of grew used to them.

The Melon just gave me this dying duck look and clunked her seat belt. She really is making a big production of it. I suppose she wants to be the centre of attention. Pathetic, really. I didn’t make anywhere near this amount of fuss.

Incidentally, I have discovered what Mum has bought me for Christmas! It is on top of the wardrobe as usual. She always puts my presents up there. She thinks I don’t know but I found out years ago. It is not cheating to look, as it is only the lesser ones. My big ones she hides somewhere else that I have not yet discovered.

I only took a very quick peek. Some of the things are in bags and when they are in bags I don’t look. That is one of the rules. But I saw a couple of CDs which I really want, so that is good. There are also what I suspect may be books (flat and hard) and some that I think are clothes (soft when you poke them). That is good, too!

Friday

Horrors! Today I had a fright. I went in with Mum to do some last-minute shopping (Roly Rat stayed behind to draw some last-minute elves) and we walked through the tights and leggings department and Mum suddenly said, “Maybe I shall splash out and buy myself a pair of leggings. What do you think?” and she headed straight for the very pair that I had bought for her! Very quickly I said, “You don’t want those. What about these ones?” pointing to some drab and boring ones in plain colours. To my great relief she said, “Yes, I suppose those are rather more suited to a middle-aged woman, aren’t they?” It was a tense moment!

I have wrapped up all my presents in Christmas wrapping paper and put little gift tags on them with picture messages.

I am going to tidy my room for Christmas.

Saturday

Today I felt the baby move! Mum said, “Oh! He’s kicking me.” “Or she,” I said. “It might be a she.” Mum agreed that it might be.

I don’t mind which it is. I just want it to get here!

The Melon rang up in the evening to wish me a Happy Christmas. She said that Dire Melvyn was going to be with them for three whole days but that it was “all right” as she had done what Roly said and asked his advice about something. She had asked him what sort of plant she could grow in a really dark and boggy part of the garden (old Skin is quite into gardening), and he had come up with some really brilliant suggestions. It seems he knows about plants and boggy patches, so now she doesn’t mind so much about the fungussy hands and grey nose hairs and the big fat belly. What she actually
said was, “He’s not absolutely as dire as I thought.”

Thank goodness for that! It means I can enjoy Christmas without having to worry about her. After all, she is my best friend – my
very
best friend – and I wouldn’t have liked to think of her being unhappy.

141 Arethusa Road
London W5

24 December

My dear Carol,

I am writing this on Christmas Eve. Haven’t had a chance until now, what with one thing and another.

Last Saturday we went to see Cherry doing her singing angel bit in the school play. Oh, dear! What can one say? They obviously chose her because she looked right – very pretty and cheeky. Very impish. But she cannot sing! Of course we told her she was the greatest, or at any rate Roly did, and as a result she has been blasting our eardrums ever since. I wish she would take up something quiet, such as painting.

Roly has bought her a whole range of pens, paints, crayons, drawing blocks, etc., for Christmas, but as it’s from him she’ll probably just look at it with that terrible expression of condescension and contempt that girls of eleven can have. Do you know what I mean? Cold and cutting and oh, so knowing and superior! Were we ever like that when we were eleven?

In fairness to her I have to say that she has been quite sweet and considerate these last few days (apart from the ear-blasting). It was very funny the other day!
I was going to splash out and buy myself a pair of leggings and Cherry practically tied herself in knots trying to guide me away from a pair in glaring orange that she has quite obviously bought me for Christmas!!! I shall have to feign utter astonishment when I undo the parcel, just as Cherry will feign utter astonishment when she undoes some of hers. Not very much is a secret in this house. She always climbs up to look on top of the wardrobe because she knows that’s where I keep all her “pillow case” presents. She’s been doing it for years. It’s a sort of game we play, except that she doesn’t know that I know she does it! (Don’t worry, I have hidden your baseball bat! I spirited it away the minute it arrived.)

I’m a bit worried in case she hasn’t bought anything for Roly. I’ve kept dropping hints but the only kind of hint she understands is the kind that you apply with a sledge-hammer! She is incredibly thick-skinned. So I’ve got some after-shave from the Body Shop and gift-wrapped it, just to be on the safe side. He would be so terribly hurt if she forgot him.

Meanwhile, we have a real surprise for her! I won’t tell you what it is. See if you can guess!

A few weeks ago, in the middle of the night, Roly suddenly shot bolt upright in bed and cried, “I’ve got it!” When I asked him,”Got what?” he said, “The solution … I’m allergic to fur, not skin. We’ll get her a hairless one!”

So we hunted high and low – and incidentally, paid
the earth, though Roly assures me it will be worth it for the pleasure it will bring – and all I will say is that it is HAIRLESS, that it comes originally from CHINA, and that right at this moment it is over the road being looked after by Mrs Swaddle (the mother of Sereena).

Have you guessed???

Roly is going to go over and collect it tomorrow immediately before breakfast. I can’t wait to see Cherry’s face!

Gregg, incidentally, has kept his word for once and sent her the personal computer, it was delivered last week while she was at school. I’m sure it will come in very useful but I can tell you here and now that between a hairless Chinese wotnot and a personal computer there will be no competition!

I do hope you and your Dwayn have the most wonderful Christmas ever. If I could only rid myself of fears that a) Cherry will have forgotten to buy something for Roly and that b) she is going to resent the baby, I would be the happiest soul on earth! I will keep my fingers crossed. Maybe I am misjudging her.

All my fondest love,

Boxing Day

Now that I have my beautiful Charlie, I won’t be keeping this diary any more. I’ll be far too busy, taking him for walks! So this is where I am going to end. It has been quite fun and it has done what Mrs James said it would do, it has cleaned out the cupboard, but I feel that from now on I am going to be concentrating more on drawing than on writing. I have decided … when I am grown up I am going to be an artist!

The Secret Life of
Sally Tomato

A is for armpit,
Which smells when you’re hot,
Specially great hairy ones,
They smell A LOT.

Hi! Salvatore d’Amato here – call me Sal if you must – and I am not writing a diary! I’m writing the best alphabet ever. An alphabet of Dire and Disgusting Ditties.

I’m up to two letters a week, and I reckon it will take me the rest of term to complete my masterpiece. By then I plan to have achieved my Number One aim in life – to find a girlfriend. After all, I’m already twelve, so I can’t afford to wait much longer …

Boys
on the
Brain

“What are you doing?” I said.

“I am trying,” panted Mum,
“to – get-out – of – these – jeans!”

Hi there. I’m Cresta and that’s my mum – thirty-three going on eighteen. Me and my friend Charlie have great plans: finish school, get the grades and conquer the world! We’ve taken a vow – No Boys before uni, but it’s not easy with the gorgeous Carlito and Alistair around … And how on
earth
can I put up with a mother who has boys on the brain?

Also by Jean Ure

Lemonade Sky
Love and Kisses
Fortune Cookie
Star Crazy Me!
Over the Moon
Boys Beware
Sugar and Spice
Is Anybody There?
Secret Meeting
Passion Flower
Shrinking Violet
Boys on the Brain
Skinny Melon and Me
Becky Bananas, This is Your Life!
Fruit and Nutcase
The Secret Life of Sally Tomato
Family Fan Club
Ice Lolly