Take it All (Blinded by Love) (51 page)

They were finally inside after having their tickets scanned. She started walking in the direction of their seats when his hand grasped her elbow gently, causing her to look over her shoulder at him, “I need to hit the washroom, meet you in the seats?” he asked gently as his eyes flashed with what looked like remorse then quickly disappeared.

Lennox nodded then turned away from him and made her way to their seats. She walked half way around the coliseum until she found the escalator that took her up to the level where they were sitting. She made it to their seats just as the lights dimmed and the crowd cheered with excitement. They were in the front row of their section with only a few people seated around them with the rest of the spots empty. Lennox looked around at the people on the floor and in the seat below, watching as everyone were on their feet cheering and signing along with the opening band. She didn’t know who they were, she had heard a song of theirs on the radio but wasn’t an overall fan of theirs. She was there for the main band, one of her favorite bands; the band that brought Caleb and her back together.

The first band was finishing up when Caleb sat in the seat next to Lennox then slid his arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side as his head dipped down and his mouth hovered over her ear and he said, “Baby, I’m sorry.”

Lennox kept her eyes on the stage as the first band had finished. “For what?” she asked him, testing him to see if he knew what he was apologizing for.

“For what happened outside, for grabbing you like that; I should never have done that.” He kissed the side of her head gently then placed his forehead against her temple and sighed.

Her body tingled at the touch of his lips, and at his arm around her; she didn’t know why but she felt different every time he touched her. “That’s it?” she asked, taken aback but her eyes never left in front of her.

“No,” he mumbled, his head still resting against hers, “I’m sorry I haven’t done this sooner.”

Before she could register his words or knew what was happening, Caleb’s hand was grasping her chin, turning it in his direction, and his lips claimed hers, crashing against hers and taking her breath away. Every sense in her body was alert and on fire, every ounce of her soul exploded in bright, blinding glory as their mouths moved over one another’s; their tongues wasting no time at finding one another as if touching was the last thing they’d ever do before they perished away. Lennox’s body was alive with his lips on her, her body sensitive to his touch as his hand dove in her hair and grabbed it by the handful and pulled on it, hard enough for it to hurt; but in a good way, a way that caused a moan to leave her mouth and vibrate through his.

Her body had turned into his as best as it could, her hands reached out and gripped the center of his loosely fitting tee as she pulled him to her. “Come home with me tonight,” she started saying through their kiss, then trailing them over his cheek and over to his ear, “my parents are gone until Sunday, come home with me tonight, Caleb,” she audaciously begged as she trailed her lips down his neck, switching from kissing to licking to softly biting until her lips found his collarbone and her tongue swiped across it; his surprisingly fresh scent filled her nose as his taste coated her tongue.

Caleb groaned as her teeth nipped at his collarbone, “Lox,” he said, pulling away enough to look at her, his hand gliding over her cheek; the pads of his thumb swiping back and forth. “I don’t know. I’ll let you know after the concert is over, okay?” He bent forward and kissed the top of her nose then turned to look down at the stage.

Lennox looked at his profile a few moments longer and didn’t bother asking why he had to let her know because part of her thought he’d just lie to her while the other part didn’t want to be rejected. The anger inside her was still there, simmering, waiting for its next big moment when he moved away from her and dug into his pocket and took out his cell phone. “I’ll be back,” he said, flipping it open and putting it to his ear. “Yo man, what’s up?” he answered as he got up and rushed up the stairs and out to the concourse.

She watched him as he paced back and forth in front of the concession stands with his phone to his ear, smiling and laughing at whatever the guy on the phone said. He didn’t seem to be in a tough place having been kicked out of his place and having no place but a shelter to stay. She thought he would have looked different or something but he didn’t; not in her eyes anyways, he looked like he always did when she saw him and at that she felt a pang of worry strike in her stomach. She watched until he flipped his phone shut and ran his hand over his jaw then through his hair before she turned around and put her focus on the band she was there to see.

Caleb joined her not long after, shoving his cell phone into his pocket before he sat next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She sat next to him having a hard time focusing on just the music that was playing, as she looked around at everyone in the coliseum who was waving their hands back and forth in the air, solely focused on the band, letting their music flow through them as the lyrics sang from their mouths. She wanted to be like that, there and in the moment with her favorite band as they sang all of her favorite songs, making her night turn out to be the best night of her life–music wise. But she wasn’t. She couldn’t focus on the band, on the music or the lyrics; she was too busy watching, from the corner of her eye, every movement Caleb made next to her.

His head was moving in all directions like a bobble head with no control, his free arm rested on the arm rest and continuously moved and tapped his leg repeatedly, his right knee bounced up and down restless and nervously. She could feel his arm around her gently shaking and his hand tapping against her shoulder. He was restless, unable to sit still and even though he was watching the band down on stage she was sure he wasn’t actually watching but pretending to do so, to make it seem like he wanted to be there; when she had a feeling he didn’t.

Caleb’s arm came off her shoulder as he jumped to his feet and rapidly said, “Bathroom, be right back.” He took off up the stairs and disappeared from her sight. As she sat there, her eyes still looking where he disappeared, her heart cracked down the middle. She had never seen him such a mess, never seen his pupils so dilated before that when she looked into them, not only did she feel as if she was drowning in a toxic sea of chemicals, but she no longer saw him staring back at her. There was no life, there was no light, there was no Caleb; the guy staring back at her was a complete stranger.

The lights dimmed and a guitar started playing, catching her attention. She turned to the stage as the lead singer walked to the center of the stage alone and sat on the lone wooden stool, leaving his band mates behind. She listened to the guitar play loudly through the speakers, striking the cords gently leading into the opening intro. Her eyes were glued to him, unable to break contact as she felt one hundred percent connected to the performance for the first time during the show. She watched, waited with anticipation as the words flowed freely through him and through the speakers right across the coliseum into her, slamming and knocking her over like an open ice hit during the playoffs.

Listening to the lyrics, they unlocked something in her, something new. She was about to lose him, she could feel it right down to the core of her soul. It had been what woke her earlier; it wasn’t a sick feeling like she had originally thought. This was something else, something bigger and deeper than not wanting to move from her curled up position in bed; this was something that had formed over time, dug deeply into her and stayed hidden away until then, when the guitar struck the first cord to a song she had heard a million times before.

As she listened to the chorus of the song, her gut told her it was all about Caleb. It told her to listen, really listen to the words that were being sung and believe them because they were real and she couldn’t stop it no matter what she tried. She wasn’t just going to lose the fight, but she was going to lose the person she loved more than life itself, and she was going to lose herself in the process; even more than she already had. It was inevitable.

The overwhelming power held her in the moment, shaking her until she would let go, and fall hopelessly into it, accepting something that had yet to even happen. But she refused–she wasn’t giving up just like that– she wasn’t done fighting and she wasn’t going to stop until she had nowhere else to go. She prayed she was enough for him, that their love was strong enough to guide them out from the dark pits of hell together and stronger than ever. She had given him everything, every part imaginable, every part possible and every part of her.

Her chest tightened as the song continued and she finally broke free from the daze she was in and looked to Caleb, only his seat was still empty. She looked around on the edge of panic until she saw him up on the concourse in the same spot as last time on the phone to someone in deep conversation. He nodded his head a few times then smirked as he looked down at his feet, listening to whatever was being said, agreeing then shortly disconnecting and shoving his cell phone into his pocket. Lennox watched as he stood in his spot and started sniffing and wiping the bottom of his nose a few times before he turned, looked up and caught her watching him.

“Who was that?” she asked, as he sat back down in his seat next to her.

He looked at her long enough for her to see the guilt in his eyes before they rapidly darted away as he shook his head and said, “No one, just one of the, umm, guys at the shelter telling me I had to get back there quick or I lose my bed.”

“Oh,” she said, the voice in her head telling her he was lying and not to do something foolish, like believe him. “When do you have to be back there by?”

“By eleven.” He didn’t make eye contact and his body could barely keep still in his spot as he looked down at the stage, ignoring her penetrating gaze.

“What time is it now?”

He pulled his phone out and looked at the clock on the front screen, “Nine fifteen,” he said, then shoved the phone back into his pocket.

“Okay, still got lots of time.”

“I have to hit the house before I go. I need some more clothes, and Em said I could stop by for them,” he said, sounding unimpressed and frustrated.

She knew what he wanted but also knew that he wasn’t going to ask, in fear she would freak out at him and say no; which was what she wanted to do. There was so much she wanted to tell him, to scream at him, that she just felt exhausted at the thought of doing it. Her shoulders fell and she caved, “Let’s go.” She reached down and grabbed her purse and stood up to leave only to be stopped by his hand grabbing hers.

“Lox are you–”

“Caleb just,” she interrupted him, shaking her head, “don’t, let’s go,” she said, sadly as she turned and walked up the steps then out the way they came. As they walked to the exit she felt her breathing quicken as her eyes began to burn with tears, tears she refused to show with concession workers and concert attendees walking around. They may not have known who she was, but she wasn’t going to lose her dignity in front of them.

They finally made it outside and as the cool night’s air hit her she took a deep breath like it was her first one ever. The pain in her stomach was back and this time worse than it had been but she pushed it aside and ignored it as she kept walking across the pavement that lead to the bridge and to where her jeep was parked. “Lennox, would you wait?” Caleb called from behind but she refused to stop, because she knew if she did, the ticking on her inner time bomb would finally explode and she would breakdown.

She dug the keys for her jeep out of her purse and was only three feet from her jeep when she was grabbed from behind and spun to face an unreadable Caleb, whose eyes burned into hers until she couldn’t take it any longer. “Get off me,” she shouted and pushed him away, making him stumble back a few steps as she turned and went to her jeep, opening her door and setting her purse on her seat.

“Lox, what the–”

She whipped around and slammed her door, glaring at him. “You’re an asshole, Caleb–”

“Lennox–”

“No, shut up and let me talk!” she exclaimed.

“What the fuck has gotten into you?” he shot back.

“I hate you,” she sobbed, “I hate you, I hate you,” she shouted, “you got inside me, under my skin and, no matter how hard I try, nothing can get rid of you. You ruined me, Caleb,” she paused, taking a breath as her heart slammed against her chest. “Do you have any idea what all of this has done to me–I mean look at me– can’t you see how broken and torn apart I am right now? Have you not noticed what your drug addiction has done to me?”

He ran his hand through his hair as he looked away from her, “If you’re going to break up with me, just do it already; cut the shit and end it.”

Lennox looked at him and started to laugh. It wasn’t her usual happy, musical laugh but a dry, bitter laugh that ended with a sob. “I wish it was that easy. I wish I could tell you I don’t love you and that I actually hated you. I wish I could say you were the one that got away, but I can’t, okay, are you happy,” she swiped at the tears that had began to fall, “I can’t even say I would have chosen differently. I wish I could and I feel like a fool saying it, but it’s true, even after everything I know, I wouldn’t–you know why?”

“‘Cause you love me.”

“And you’re it for me–isn’t that the most ridiculous thing ever– that after these past few months being with you, through all of this, I can still say that,” she laughed bitterly. “You lied to me, over and over again, you broke your promises, and you made me think I could save you.”

His head turned in her direction and his face was wiped clear of all expressions and his eyes were empty. The pain in her stomach throbbed, beginning to make its presence aware to her, but she couldn’t deal with it just yet. “I feel like it’s my fault, that I just sat by as you did everything when I should have been trying to save you. You said I gave you hope, a saving grace, and I let you and everyone else down.”