Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation (15 page)

Many men feel a heartfelt concern and unease about the pain and suffering women have been subjected to through sex. At the same time, men feel quite helpless and powerless, and unable to extend support or healing to women on such a sensitive level. Sexual abuse has long-lasting, injurious effects on the life of a woman. The memories in her body and the scars in her psyche can fundamentally affect her capacity to love and enjoy her body and sex. At times in a relationship, abuse issues from the past can reappear out of the blue, become reactivated in the present, and turn into a source of conflict and unhappiness. A man may even carry a lurking guilt about sex in general, in view of the sexual injustices a woman may have experienced in her past. Following the guidelines below will give man a positive alternative and direction for his energy, which is just as beneficial and healing for him as it is for a woman.

This chapter is dedicated to sexual healing and male authority and completes the generative or meditative sexual orientation that we give our retreat participants toward the end of the weeklong retreat. A few threads from themes of earlier chapters will be picked up and drawn together here into a single frame. There will be glancing references to aspects previously addressed in more detail.

VAGINA, NOT CLITORIS

Here we will explain in concrete terms how to deepen our sensitivity so that man and woman become more sensitized in relation to each other. We first need to examine the role of the clitoris and how this has affected woman’s capacity to receive. In conventional sex, the clitoris is generally considered by both women and men to be central to female sexuality and orgasm. This leads to a tendency to focus on the clitoral area, which actually lies well outside of the vagina. In addition, within the first few inches of the vagina are some muscular rings that constrict the penis, stimulating it slightly with pleasurable sensations. Because of these considerations, the movement of the penis usually consists of short, repeated, frictionlike thrusts that enter only the first part of the vagina.

These two factors have also caused an external focus in woman, so that her awareness is drawn downward, toward the front of the vaginal/clitoral area, and away from the deeper regions of the vagina, where, in fact, she is most receptive. Often during hard sex women deliberately have to contract the vagina to close and protect the sensitive cervix (as mentioned before) because it can be painful. Sometimes the deeper area will also contract and “close down” due to the tension of old memories buried deep in the vaginal tissues. These stored memories might include overstepped boundaries, aggressive sex, abusive sex, rape, abortion, gynecological visits, or even anxiety learned from parents or church.

Female Receptivity and Stored Tension

Anxiety, memories, and the external focus on the clitoris result in the deeper regions of the vagina moving out of woman’s awareness and thereby becoming a bit inaccessible. There will usually be a corresponding lack of awareness and vitality higher in the vagina. At the same time, most women recognize the significance of this deeper place in their bodies and would like their man to stay deep within what we call the “garden of love” that lies at the entrance to the uterus—the cervix. Even if a woman has had her garden of love area (or the entire uterus) surgically removed for medical reasons, the energy center remains intact and will continue to be a place where woman longs to be touched. But in the normal course of events, man usually reverses out again before woman has a chance to say a word. The place where she is most receptive, most feminine, and best able to experience divine feminine nectar is not available to her, and thereby not available to her man. When an area is closed down there is a lack of inner perception or sensitivity, which can affect a woman’s receptivity and sexual experience.

For example, if a woman has a history of sexual abuse, therapy can help to release the trauma, but memory fragments usually remain stored on a cellular level in the tissues, disturbing female receptivity. Fortunately, by the grace of nature, we have been given one magical instrument that can remove these memories and tensions from a woman and awaken her receptivity and femininity—the penis. There are other methods of internal vaginal massage that release tensions by using a finger. However, compared to the magnetic, silky head of the penis, the tip of the finger is almost as rough and crude as sandpaper. Further, there is no real energetic connection between fingers and vagina when compared to the inherent electromagnetic potential between penis and vagina.

THE PENIS AS HEALING CATALYST

The head of the penis is like a highly sensitive magnet with the capacity to draw out disturbing tension. It purifies vaginal tissues, purifying itself in the process, so that there is a reciprocal cycle of purification. Men have their own accumulated traumas and memories from the way we have used and abused our penises. And many men have also been victims of childhood sexual abuse, and carry memories and tensions relating to the experience.

It’s important to realize that the penis is not like a vacuum cleaner that sucks up all the woman’s tension, leaving you stuck with a full bag. It is more like a catalyst that precipitates the release of tension. The penis causes tension to be released from the system. Through this process man’s tensions soften, his male energy gets refined, and the penis loses its overcharge and becomes more supple, pliable, sensitive, and relaxed.

This is very good news, because while an unconscious penis can cause a lot of damage, a conscious penis can create tremendous healing. One of the reasons why the world is suffering from so much war and so many natural disasters is that male and female forces are out of balance. Over the centuries woman (and the feminine energy) has not been treated at all nicely, and while it’s perhaps less obvious in Western society, the way woman is still treated today in some cultures is shocking. Man has used and abused woman for his own selfish reasons and when she was no longer interesting, thrown her away and taken another woman. Frequently woman is also used by man to discharge his inner tensions and emotions (see chapter 9). Even if this is not your personal history as a man, the collective human memories over centuries are probably stored in every woman.

Conscious Love Can Heal the Past

By entering woman consciously, in love and presence, man can have an impact on the larger planetary imbalance. It’s as if woman is burdened with this collective past that she cannot shake off, but which can be “displaced” and released by a conscious, loving penis—freeing woman and bringing her back to her essential self, which is love. And in purifying woman of her tensions, man is also purified. There is an innate circle of reciprocity; man heals and balances woman, who in turn heals and balances man. By welcoming man in at this level, woman brings him into a state of purity, relaxation, and love (as opposed to fostering the insecure, defensive, and aggressive stance that leads to war). Nature is truly remarkable.

There is a beautiful talk by Barry Long called “Love Brings All to Life,” in which he recounts the Greek myth of Pygmalion (see Recommended Books and Resources). Pygmalion was a sculptor who carved a life-sized statue of what he considered to be the perfect woman—the woman of his dreams. He worked passionately, and when he was finally finished, he fell in love with her. He caressed and admired his idealized woman in stone with so much tenderness, so much love and longing that the statue came to life.

Long perceived contemporary women as being in a similar situation. Woman comes into this world already a bit hard, a bit stoney and protective, and for very good reason. She has been abused and misused for much too long, so she is often born with defenses and not truly open to love. Long said that like Pygmalion, man must use the power of his love to soften and melt woman so that she can give up her hardness and protection and return to being pure love.

Female versus Male Essence

Woman in her essence is pure, unconditional love. Man in his essence is pure presence, pure meditation. There are two ways, or polarities, on the spiritual path: one is of love and devotion, and the other is of meditation, presence, and being here now. Osho says these are the two highest polarities in existence; love is female, and presence is male. As woman relaxes in love, meditation or presence grows by itself. As man relaxes into meditation and being present, unconditional and pure love grows by itself.

Through cellular purification woman can once again experience her birthright as pure love. Likewise, man learns to relax into his essence rooted in the present and, very specifically, present in woman in his penis. This is what a woman most wants from a man, that he be present to her. She is not so interested in a great performance as a lover, but that man be present to her while he is inside her. Some men may question this, because often women ask for hard and aggressive sex, but this is more a reflection of her sexual conditioning whereby she has become slightly male herself. It is up to woman to examine this response pattern in herself.

STAYING PRESENT

The capacity to be present really defines what it means to be a man, particularly in light of our cultural confusion. Men are looking for some kind of male authority, but what does it actually mean to be a man? It is nothing less or more than the capacity to be present.

If man can be present in woman—not enter her with a hungry or demanding penis (an emotional penis, see chapter 9), but with a penis that is loving in the here and now—then the penis can begin to “catalyze” what has accumulated in the female body and allow her to relax and transform into pure love—the true quality of woman. For a man there is nothing more gratifying than to see transformation happening before your eyes. Far from being a burden or a job, it feels more like a noble task, an honor to be in woman in a conscious way. To be a chosen one. It gives me (Michael) a certain trust in myself—a male authority. Many men confide at the end of the retreat that they finally have a constructive vision of manhood, and that it is a life-changing experience. And yes, when you cooperate with your sexual nature you do mature and emerge as more of a man. You are more present, relaxed, and connected to your being; you are a more loving human being.

Altering History

Man can do tremendous damage to woman because she represents the container, the space, the environment. Man can leave all his tensions there for selfish reasons, but by putting himself in a larger frame of mind, he actually has the power to change the course of history. That which has been out of balance for thousands of years can start to change today.

There are no mass solutions for the world’s problems. There is only one solution, and it starts with this man and this woman. If you can bring the balance back, here in this couple create harmony between man and woman, you do true peace work for the world. And really, there is no other way. You will see that when balance is created here, in the relationship, it radiates out to the world in a palpable way. So sometimes perhaps we feel, “Oh, this is boring . . . not so exciting.” Always put yourself into a bigger frame of mind, remembering that we are connected to a much greater energy field encompassing all of us.

DEEP, SUSTAINED PENETRATION

How do we go about deepening polarity, purification, and healing on a practical level? When erection is present you enter the vagina very slowly (see chapter 6), and you look for places that feel painful, strange, weird, or numb—and you stay exactly on that spot. Sensitive, painful spots can be anywhere—just inside the entrance of the vagina, along the walls, or in the upper regions, the “garden of love.” Woman will help you to identify these places. We suggest you maintain soft eye contact as described in chapter 7. Open eyes help to keep you present and available, and subtle reactions and responses expressed in her eyes can sometimes give you information about what is happening internally.

Usually pain is something we avoid; we do not like to touch sensitive areas, naturally, because doing so is painful. But now we are intentionally looking for them. Pain or lack of sensitivity (deadness) indicates held tension and memories in the vaginal tissues. By going in there very consciously, with great awareness, it’s possible to contact these areas with the penis. Woman will usually allow this because you do not push into the pain, you just want to gently contact the pain. You make a “porous” contact with the area. You don’t want to push hard against the vaginal walls, because that would reinforce woman’s protective instinct. You find a sensitive area, and then you pull back a hairsbreadth—more like a withdrawal of intention. This creates space for an interaction of energies, so that things can shift. You just stay there without moving; you sustain the contact in the depths. Your woman can use simple words to communicate what is happening, and you can do the same. This begins a journey of discovery over a period of time, touching all sides of the vagina, the entire canal, seeking out those areas we usually avoid.

If a woman has pain at the very entrance of the vagina, you can just place the head of your penis there and let it rest. Often penetration becomes very painful when women go through menopause, and this approach relaxes the tension. If the movement of the penis in the vagina has a burning sensation for a woman, it can mean that the entry is too fast. Ask your woman if she feels any burning. If she does, stop, withdraw half an inch or so, and wait for a little while to enable the vaginal tissues to soften and relax. Then move again, very slowly, and stop as soon as your woman again reports burning sensations. At times an additional, generous application of oil to the head of the penis and to the vaginal lips and opening will counteract any burning sensations.

Some women experience painful penetration throughout their sexual lives. Recently a woman in our group had a pain-free penetration for the very first time in her life, after forty years of every sexual experience being painful. Just the head of the penis can do so much healing, so try this healing approach any time you wish. Let it be a new orientation. Pain is interesting; it is a doorway, and there is usually treasure hidden behind that pain.