Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation (22 page)

Also during the retreat I experienced what I can only describe as a change in consciousness around my male sexuality. Like all men that I know, since my earliest sexual experiences I felt driven by some force within me toward sexual pleasure and ejaculation. While I love sex and sexual pleasure, every so often I noticed this feeling of being out of control, as if sex had control of me. After my first tantra workshops and reading Taoist books on sex, I began to practice ejaculation control in lovemaking and conserving vital energy by not ejaculating with every experience of lovemaking. While this provided great sexual experiences and gave me the beginnings of a sense of mastery, it was still control of a strong biological urge and suppressing the habit of the intense pleasure of ejaculation.

During the “Making Love” retreat there was a shift. In our lovemaking we had the time to really experience what it was like not to move toward excitement. It was as if we created the space for something new to manifest. We had the opportunity to really appreciate one another. We experienced healing of past sexual hurts. We expressed the love that we felt. We saw and felt the beauty of male and female body joined in love. For me it was as if this deep experience of extended presence in love outweighed the fleeting pleasure of ejaculation.

There is a very practical aspect that I enjoy about this way of making love. In past lovemaking I always felt as if I had a big job to do. The first thing I had to do was to gently seduce my lover to get her interested in having sex, and then help her to awaken sexually so that she was ready for intercourse. The next part of the job was to build the level of excitement till she was approaching her orgasm. If I decided that I would ejaculate it was preferable that we try to orgasm together. Alternatively, I would have the job of withholding the energy and semen of ejaculation while she had her orgasm. That’s a lot of work for a man to do. It didn’t leave much time for me to experience and express love.

Now it’s simple. Together we both look for the next opportunity to
make love. We connect in cool pleasure and I have no job to do other than be present.

LETTER SHARING (MAN)

Opening and Closing My Heart

I will not give my power, my life-power away again. Since the workshop I feel alive, my heart is beating strongly. I am full of beans. I feel grateful for my love, my cheerfulness, my joy about a new day and about this gift. But I also feel pain for the many times when I did not, or could not, do what I actually wanted to do. A kiss with my beloved in the morning, a loving embrace, looking into each other’s eyes, and sharing joy about life and about this moment cause me to laugh and cry simultaneously. It is coming from a deep place. I feel it streaming through my heart as it opens and laughs, closes down, and starts to cry.

Now I am sitting here and my heart is wide open, and in this moment I feel in touch with the silence, the joy, the love. Here, I also feel like opening and sharing it. Slowly the pain about things I did not do, about the love that was not expressed, dissolves. Yes, I am bringing light into the darkness, into the fear, and it is disappearing. Now I also understand that you can show me the way, but I have to walk it. Yes, I am walking, and sensing, and enjoying. Life is so beautiful and I am a part of it.

LETTER SHARING (MAN)

Finding a Deeper Connection

The days with you have been a refinement for us on all levels. Our lovemaking has become slower, more energetic, and less athletic. I did not have any physical discomfort with conventional sex, but often felt energetic conflict before, during, and after the sex, which had led to weird moodiness.

Now that we have become more conscious and slow, I feel more balanced, ever more often finding that relaxed, flowing, powerful quality of being that I have always looked for on other paths, but never found so easily and naturally. In our hearts we are more deeply and softly connected with each other, while on the level of personality there is more space between us, which reduces the emotions.

LETTER SHARING (WOMAN)

Making Time for Breasts

Over Christmas and New Years we had a difficult time. I was not really centered and our old issues about closeness and distance resurfaced. Many emotions came up and it was not easy to get out of them. We had a shift and then we had an extra long, very relaxing time. Tantra has become a familiar form of lovemaking, and for me it is a beautiful key to come into my body, open up, and connect. If we succeed in meeting in the cool love-zone and really drop into it and connect there, I feel very nourished on a deep level and I am in bliss.

I experience our encounters as always different and sometimes very intense. I feel a lot and I’ve ridden the waves of energy. And then sometimes it is totally different, subtle, and relaxed. I feel very clearly how my body responds, opens, and relaxes on a cellular level, and sometimes this happens when we are simply connected, as if that is the call for relaxation. Hot love is still an issue, and if I succeed in engaging with it, staying in contact with myself, my energy, and mostly with my heart, I do enjoy this as well. The afterward time is our teacher, a beautiful experience.

I am just reading your book for women and I thank you here for it. It is really good to get background information that relates to my experiences, or to let myself be inspired by the exercises and explore them. I’m giving more attention to my breasts and I’m very happy to experiment alone with myself or during lovemaking. I have made extra time in my calendar for my breasts, and I want to deepen the connection.

LETTER SHARING (MAN)

Happy to Be Present

It was a revelation for me to finally find out how I can integrate spirituality in my relationship and my sexuality, and thereby heal myself and my partner.

I feel as if I arrive much more at home, and as if I found my true calling: to learn and live playfully and joyfully, and to share how we love and find fulfillment on Earth, thereby overcoming separation and freeing ourselves from the illusion of the ego.

It was an important part of my healing to watch how loving and respectful you two are with each other. Since I originally come from a family within which an extreme amount of fighting went on, it was very healing to see how love and respect can be practiced between a man and a woman, if we learn to understand our deeper essence. My relationship has become much deeper and more fulfilling. I am free of performance pressure and happy to see and live my part as a man—to be present.

LETTER SHARING (WOMAN)

You Have to Make a Lot of Love

I keep remembering your advice. When I said good-bye I was in great fear that at home everything would be different, and that all our problems would come up again. You felt my fear and said, “You have to make a lot of love.” I did so, and something wonderful happened. My husband is more loving, mellower, and more tender in his whole being. The wrinkles in his face have disappeared and his skin is very soft. I believe that he let go of his difficult upbringing and conditioning during that week. I am very grateful that you guided us on this beautiful and sunny path. That’s exactly what we have been looking for after our thirty-nine years of marriage.

LETTER SHARING (MAN)

The Bliss of Full-body Orgasm

For our love session (during the seminar) we retreated to our bungalow, which helped us to explore a totally new and healing closeness, and a new expression of our love. Since the beginning of the seminar we had been in close contact with our emotions and feelings, and we felt much more porous and sensitive than before the course. After a shower we cuddled and rested for about twenty minutes in deep relaxation. We looked long and deeply into each other’s eyes. Then we put ourselves in the scissors position and connected without having an erection, and without feeling any lust.