Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation (16 page)

Loss of Erection

When you find painful areas and stay in contact with them, you might suddenly start to lose your erection. Usually when this happens we will try to get the erection back as fast as possible, but now in this new situation we understand that this is the way the penis does the job. When the penis has done its job, it is going to be relaxed, naturally. Like everything in life, there is an active phase and a passive phase, but in sex we want an active erection all the time, 100 percent.

If you accept this relaxation of the penis from time to time and do not interfere with its withdrawal, you allow your penis the opportunity to regenerate. Often, just as the penis is about to slip out of the vagina entirely, it will again begin reaching out, spiraling upward and erecting in the vagina (see chapter 6). Soon you may get the feeling that the genitals themselves are making love and that actually they know how to do it better. It is almost like handing the intelligence back to the body, and it is such a remarkable experience that you can almost lean back and watch the show.

Trust Your Penis

The experience of my penis responding of its own accord gives me a trust in myself, because basically we men do not trust our penises; they are not completely reliable. But when I know that this is going to be the process, then I can trust my penis, and that gives me trust in myself as a man. I no longer feel I need to be strong or ambitious, need to prove this and that. My definition of man has changed. The only thing that is required from me, as man, is to be present, to develop the capacity to be here now. Then miracles are possible.

When there is erection, you enter as far as you can go and sustain the penetration; you stay where you are. We call this deepening polarity through deep, sustained penetration, because as the woman gets more receptive, man gets more dynamic, and the potential between male and female poles increases. In general in your life, as a style of lovemaking, you begin to “hang out” deep in the vagina, allowing the dynamic and receptive forces to start to play with each other. Here woman is “minus” while man is “plus,” and any obstructions (tensions) lying in the way of this moving magnetic force are displaced so that healing, purification, and regeneration can take place.

The effects of deep, sustained penetration also work with and through condoms; the energy exchange is relatively unaffected (see more about condoms in chapter 6).

Effectiveness and Penis Length

Some men worry that the penis may not be long enough to reach all the way up to the “garden of love.” Both women and men have reported to us that the cervix also seems to be drawn downward as it reaches for the head of the penis. Always remind yourself that these are energetic phenomena, not purely physical, and the energy exchange works in any case. Even with a soft, relaxed penis that remains still within the first couple of inches of the vagina, purification and healing is taking place.

Unexpected Ejaculation

During deep, sustained penetration, at times a woman’s buried tensions are suddenly discharged down the vagina, almost like a rush or wave of excitement. This can easily cause a man to ejaculate instantly, without any warning. Should it happen, do not feel something went wrong—it’s a natural part of the purification process.

ALLOW OLD FEELINGS TO SURFACE

As you make love and pay attention to places in the vagina that are painful or numb, it is likely that for your partner tears, sadness, or anger may come to the surface. You yourself might experience similar feelings. This is all good. These feelings are trapped and held in the body, and the old must come out to create space for the new. Expressing previously unexpressed feelings (see chapter 9) cleanses our poles, our genitals, and our bodies become more sensitive and sensitized. One becomes increasingly receptive, the other increasingly dynamic.

Don’t try to figure out what’s happening when old, buried feelings or emotions emerge. Thinking about what is going on distances you from the experience, so just stay with the feelings and allow them to flow. Sometimes spontaneous understanding will occur, an insight into the source of the pain, but not necessarily. Healing takes place in any event.

If uncomfortable feelings start to arise, be aware that it is not the fault of your partner. Your partner is simply a trigger to help you to retrieve the past. Old feelings stored in the cells are going to rise to the surface, offering the opportunity to finally express feelings you may have been storing since childhood. So if suddenly a lot of tears come up, don’t think, “Oh, now I have to be alone to deal with my old feelings” (see “golden rules” in chapter 9). No, it is the genital connection that is triggering the release of old feelings, so just stay together inside each other. Or if suddenly anger pops up, which can easily happen, you can simply explain, “I’m just really angry, I have to move this energy.” Then you disconnect and quickly do something physical, like jumping up and down, to burn up the anger. As soon as you feel the wave of anger has passed, climb back into bed and continue making love. Through a polarity exchange, purification is happening on both sides, and it changes your whole experience and sense of yourselves as man and woman.

Self-Healing

We talk more frequently about the abuse of women, because they do suffer more abuse, but many men, too, are carrying a history of pain, insecurity, and self- or other-inflicted abuse in their bodies, so it is important to understand that sexual healing is not only for woman. It really is a self-healing that happens through awareness and channeling and directing energy in a constructive way. After a time any pains will usually disappear.

Sometimes you might lie in bed and just cry and cry, perhaps not only for yourself, but for all of humanity. If you allow yourself to be washed through, you will experience how much it empowers you to feel the pain of humanity flowing through you. So avoid trying to understand what’s going on; just accept it with gratitude.

When we first met we spent days and days, three weeks crying. I (Michael) don’t know what or why, except that it was just wonderful. It felt like very old pain, and at the same time was exquisitely beautiful.

Communicate, Share, Express

As you make love in this way you communicate all of what’s happening—strange feelings, numbness, beautiful sensations—in simple words. Do not try to explain anything; just acknowledging is enough. Sometimes when tension is released there is laughter. So whether it is tears, laughter, shivering, shaking, or sweating, simply allow it and be with it. These are all signs of the body purifying and detoxifying the cells of past memories.

POSITIONS SUITABLE FOR DEEP, SUSTAINED PENETRATION

Since the painful places can be anywhere in the entire vagina and cervix area, there is quite a lot of room to explore, and many angles can be used. A variety of positions are suitable, as suggested in the diagrams (see figures 8.1–8.7). However, even subtle shifts of the penis in the vagina, moving one centimeter and staying there, represent a shift in position. You do not have to always move your entire body, but instead reach to different parts of the vagina through subtle shifts in the angle of the pelvis. Positions are covered in more depth in chapter 7, where the basic guideline is that positions per se are not as significant as the level of awareness that a person brings to them. Any position is perfect when it feels right.

Fig. 8.1. Middle position, man kneeling (with pillow to raise woman’s pelvis)

Fig. 8.2. Middle position, man on hands and knees (with pillow to raise woman’s pelvis)

Fig. 8.3. Middle position, man lying forward, half kneeling (with pillow to raise woman’s pelvis)

Fig. 8.4. Rear position with man kneeling

Fig. 8.5. Rear position with man lying on top of woman

Fig. 8.6. Woman sitting on top