Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation (13 page)

My Body Keeps Me Honest

During lovemaking, my body lets me know if I am touching from my heart. I became aware of it when I was lying in bed with my wife in a close embrace one morning. With my right hand I was touching her skin, which felt warm and soft, and in contrast I experienced my hand as stiff, wooden, and lifeless. All of a sudden it came into my consciousness: “You are not touching your woman with your heart.” That’s why my hand felt so dull. When I thought about why this was so, I realized I felt trapped in my old pattern of not getting enough. The root of this pattern is not love, openness, and trust, which explains why my hand did not feel loving, trusting, and open. I decided to watch my hand as I shifted my attention away from the pattern to a deep and relaxed presence toward myself. Very swiftly my sensation of my hand changed. My hand softened, became alive, and was gently tingling. Immediately the breath was flowing through my hand and became one with my whole body. My hand was reconnected, and I was again able to touch from the heart. I was aware of the whole and no longer focused on my pattern. This experience taught me what is most important when touching my wife: relaxed, loving presence toward myself. So every touch is a delight and a touch of my heart.

Tantric Inspiration

If you can go on growing in this intimacy, which is no more excitement, then the joy will arise: first excitement, then love, then joy. Joy is the ultimate product, the fulfillment. Excitement is just a beginning, a triggering; it is not the end. And those who finish at excitement will never know what love is, will never know the mystery of love, will never know the joy of love. They will know sensations, excitement, passionate fever, but they will never know the grace that is love. They will never know how beautiful it is to be with a person with no excitement but with silence, with no words, with no effort to do anything. Just being together, sharing one space, one being, sharing each other, not thinking of what to do, what to say, where to go, how to enjoy; all those things are gone. The storm is over and there is silence.

And it is not that you will not make love but it will not be a making really; it will be a love happening. It will happen out of grace, out of silence, out of rhythm; it will arise from your depths, it will not be bodily really. There is a sex which is spiritual, which has nothing to do with the body. Although the body partakes in it, participates in it, it is not the source of it. Then sex takes on the color of Tantra, only then.

OSHO, TRANSCRIBED TEACHINGS,
LET GO!: A DARSHAN DIARY

7

DATES, FOREPLAY, KISSING, AND POSITIONS

MAKE LOVE DATES

Knowing you are going to have sex can really be a big turn-on. Nothing beats looking at your diary and seeing that from 6 to 9 p.m. tonight you have an appointment with your partner—to make love! You know that
today,
for sure, it’s going to happen, which is not generally guaranteed under ordinary circumstances. How many times does your woman brush you aside before she lets you be close? Several years ago there was a story about the famous musician, Sting, and although we don’t know whether or not it’s true, it makes the point about women’s general lack of availability in a humorous way. According to the story, Sting made a comment to the press about his sex life, making himself almost as famous for this as for his music. His claim that he had made love for six hours or so caused an international stir. Some weeks later, or so the story goes, he clarified his statement by explaining that five of the six hours had consisted of begging.

Initially, setting a fixed time for sex may seem somewhat strange, because we have the idea that sex ought to be spontaneous—without preparation or premeditation. In fact, sex is rarely truly spontaneous, but happens more on an accidental or habitual basis. Sexual thoughts accompany man throughout his every day, but although he makes endless appointments for other things, no time or space is consciously set aside for the actual act of sex. Real sex (as opposed to virtual sex, which is increasing at an alarming rate since the advent of the Internet) appears to be low on a man’s list of priorities. After work, socializing, putting the kids to bed, and watching TV, then perhaps (if he’s not too tired) sex will happen. Hopefully, but not necessarily.

Attunement and Relaxation

With guaranteed sex on the horizon, you will perhaps observe yourself feeling more positive, present, and enthusiastic about being alive. You’ll feel more at ease knowing that sex will happen, that your partner has actually agreed to meet you and make love. The knowing allows you to settle into yourself in advance, bringing awareness to your body, your legs, perineum, and breath. Inwardly preparing for sex is an effective form of foreplay.

Set aside three or more hours for lovemaking, if possible. It probably sounds like a lot right now, but after a bit of experimentation, three hours may turn out to be a bit on the short side. If three-hour slots are difficult to carve out for yourselves, then settle for one or two hours. Sometimes give yourself an entire day in bed, with breaks for meals and so on. When lovemaking transpires several times on the same day, bodily ease deepens to the extent that bodies enter a state of spontaneous letting-go, undulating, moving, and dancing of their own accord in a divine choreography. In states such as these, the bodies are unable to stop, so you find yourself making love for hours, totally absorbed, present to each split second, unaware of the passage of time.

The Tantric Quickie

The tantric quickie is also highly recommended. Soft penetration for ten, fifteen, or twenty minutes is a perfect way to start off the day. It brings you back home to yourself before you leave home and allows you to relax into the center of your being, which transforms the quality of the day ahead. Last thing at night is also perfect for a tantric quickie, or during an afternoon nap on the weekend. Soft union without erection is so simple and easy; just slip it in, no big performance needed, no great expenditure of energy. You just connect the genitals, relax into the moment, and become present in your body.

Quite possibly the experience of jumping into sex at a fixed time every day feels clinical and unromantic. Also, putting the unerect penis into the vagina (as described in chapter 6) may feel somewhat cold-blooded and technical. You may even feel shy and self-conscious because you are used to making love in the dark or being more concealed. Don’t give concerns such as these too much attention, because first impressions fade quickly. Conscious meetings in broad daylight where everything is natural and out in the open are a dream come true for many of us. How easy is this? How sane and sensible is this? Both people are present, willing, and committed. It is ordinary, yet extraordinary. Any initial feelings of awkwardness will soon be replaced by the joy of simplicity and ordinariness, in which you can connect with yourself and your partner in a relaxed and relaxing way.

FOREPLAY

The majority of women, when pressed, will admit that the usual ways men touch and stimulate them actually turn them off. This is sobering news, but relaxing, too, because it means there is less fumbling and guesswork required. A perfect guideline for foreplay: “It’s not
what
you do, but
how
you do it.”

Presence and Awareness, the Greatest Aphrodisiac

Osho says, “Tantra denies nothing, but transforms everything,” which means that awareness changes the situation; any action carried out with awareness is transformed through awareness itself. This basically means that almost anything goes when we are aware, consenting parties. Best is to keep everything simple, innocent, and exploratory, not following any program or putting yourselves under any pressure. Get into your body and enjoy being in it. Touch, stroke, kiss, embrace, and stay in the awareness. Stay present in each and every movement or gesture, with nowhere special to go, being innocent in the simplicity of the situation.

Any kind of touch should bring about an expansion of the other person’s energy field, not a contraction. Foreplay becomes simple with the realization that there is no need to excite your partner to make her horny. Excitement will often cause a contraction of the energy field, and any hard or pressuring physical touch will do the same. Try feather-light touches instead.

What women respond to is man’s presence and awareness, and awareness is basically effortless when compared to all the usual action in sex. Of course it initially takes effort to maintain presence, but it becomes increasingly familiar and effortless with practice. Presence is easily accessed through the body, and it takes time for an individual to relax into a cellular experience of self, which naturally captures or holds one in the present.

Patience

Foreplay is not so significant for men, because the male positive pole is more or less ever ready, but women definitely appreciate being given time to warm up to love. A woman requires space to relax into her body, her senses, and her receptivity. As an equal and opposite force, this prerequisite is a basic need for her, as explained in chapter 4. Patience and a selfless approach will pay off for the man in the long term. Patience is not some kind of obligation, but simply realizing, accepting, and appreciating that woman (whom you wish to enter physically) is different from you and needs time to open internally before the marvelous experience of entering and joining with her can be of any true value.

Barry Long said that for man, “Patience is the beginning of stillness.” Stillness is a quieting of the system and the lessening of thoughts, staying present in the body and inwardly “holding the space.” It is simply being in the here and now, resting in your body and being, present to woman. It is not turning her on, but opening and accessing her, supporting her to relax and melt into herself, giving her the feeling of being at home and at ease. If the initial pace is easy, relaxed, and slow, lovemaking is more likely to be filled with timeless delight and pleasure.

Losing Your Erection

Waiting for, or being with, a woman as her body opens means that most probably you will lose your initial erection, if you have one. Don’t worry if this happens! An erection can easily return in an atmosphere of loving presence and awareness. And if not, who cares? You always have the five-star option of soft entry without erection.

Remember, true erection is a by-product of consciousness, love, and presence. It is a magical electromagnetic response to a unique set of circumstances, as explained in chapter 6, which deals with erection in more detail.

The Role of Women’s Breasts in Male Erection

The wisest place to give a woman loving attention is her breasts. Woman experience their deepest orgasmic experiences through melting into their breasts. As mentioned earlier, in chapter 4, breasts are the positive dynamic poles of the female body, from which sexual energy is awakened. After some time of relaxing into her breasts (and being supported by her man), a woman will usually feel an overflow, experience a vibrant response, in her vagina. Woman’s body then becomes filled with a deep yearning for penetration, and her body and being give an unconditional “yes.” When a woman has a strong inner connection to her breasts, the spontaneous erection response is likely to happen more easily (as described in chapter 6).

Woman needs to feel her own breasts for herself, from within. You cannot do the internal feeling for her, but you can definitely create the situation that helps her to feel into, and sense, her breasts from the inside. You can touch both breasts at the same time if you are in a position that allows for a two-hand hold. Otherwise, touching just one breast is also fine, and the woman may wish to touch her other breast herself.

How to Hold the Breasts

With open hands, cup the breasts while lifting upward from underneath them. Let the hand contact be “porous,” not compressing or squashing the sensitive breast tissue. Then take your attention into your hands; relax your hands, arms, and shoulders; and simply be present and melt into your hands and into her breasts. Mold your hands to fit the contours. Send love, light, warmth, energy, and good vibrations through your hands into the woman’s breasts.

There is no need to stimulate the nipples directly, especially the favored radio-tuner style. Some women become hypersensitive to direct touch of the nipples. For other women, nipple stimulation raises the level of excitement and sometimes triggers orgasm (for both), so they choose to keep things cool. Talk about what kind of touch or hold feels good and helps your woman gain an inner connection to her breasts. Reaching around her body to hold her breasts while you embrace her from behind (right hand—right breast, left hand—left breast) can be a beautifully opening and healing experience for a woman. Right hand on the left breast, left hand on the right breast is also a possibility, where man’s arms cross over in front of woman’s body. But be careful when crossing the arms. Doing so can make the embrace too tight, which squashes the woman, effectively compressing her energy field and her capacity for relaxation and expansion. She may want to escape your hold instead.