The Bare Necessities (Non-Profane Edition) (13 page)

Claire sat down
as she had no part in the song, and Paige started singing her
powerful song, accompanied only by some understated piano notes
from Jack, while Hazel stood statuesque staring at her naked sister
on the stage.

1. Chapter X
   

Hazel listened
spellbound as Paige sang “Don't Leave Me” to her rapt audience and,
wiped her eyes as her sister's powerful voice hit several difficult
notes that filled the room. As the 45 minute mark approached, Paige
asked for an interval and the crowd gave the teenagers a deafening
round of applause. Hazel worked her way to the stage to talk to her
naked sister lapping up the generous appreciation of her audience.
“You came!” Paige cried and threw her arms around the apprehensive
Hazel.

Hazel nodded and
looked behind her. “It's scary on the streets and in here. It's
just … so many people.”

“I'll get you a
drink,” Paige told her and got down from the stage, only to have to
go back and retrieve her purse when she felt for her pockets and
found nothing but bare hip.

“I'll go,” Claire
offered and returned to the stage with four ice-cold lemonades.

“Why aren't you
two naked as well?” Hazel asked, and Paige raised her eyebrows.

“Yeah, the Bare
Necessities, is unbare.”

Claire giggled.
“Because we aren't as crazy as you.” She saw the figure of Terry
wander towards them and braced herself for some awkward
questions.

“You know, you
guys don't need a naked lead singer,” he told them. “Your music is
fine without a gimmick.” Paige snorted.

“It's not a
gimmick,” Paige replied sharply. “I'm a naturist. I can't sing with
my clothes on. I feel like I'm being forced, and it's not natural
and …”

“Well, if it works
for you, it works for these guys. Hell, I've not seen this room so
packed since they thought Iron Maiden instead of Iron Maidenhead
were coming.” He smiled and licked his lips. “Printing Error. Got
very nasty. Took us weeks to get the blood out of the
wallpaper.”

“Right,” Claire
muttered and gave him a giggle. “But you don't care?”

“My till ringing
is the only thing I care about,” he joked and looked at Paige. “You
know, if you can sort out the singing with anything on, I'd put
money on you to be a worldwide star.”

“Could she not be
a star without her clothes?” Hazel asked, aggressively, and the
landlord turned to face the quiet teenager with crossed arms.

He snorted.
“Maybe! What do I know? Oh, and if some lady turns up from the
council, I knew nothing ‘bout this!”

Claire smiled.
“Sure.” He coughed and nodded towards Paige. “It's true. It's
something we hoped wouldn't be an issue but Paige does everything
naked and she just froze so she had to strip to sing.” He glanced
towards his bar, and when he saw a sizeable queue, made his
apologies.

Paige sat Hazel at
the very front, and goaded Claire into removing her clothes. There
was a deafening cheer as the curvy girl gave in and stacked her
clothes by the side of the stage next to Paige's and the band
launched into the rest of their repertoire.

Although Claire
put up some resistance she was gleefully smiling at Paige, and the
lead singer wondered if there was any vodka in the lemonade she had
drunk at the interval.

The teenagers were
a bit unnerved when half the crowd knew the words to their final
song – The Emperor’s New Clothes – especially as that was an
original track written by their keyboardist, but they got a
standing ovation and demands to continue playing.

Paige and Claire
sold all twenty copies of their album for £5 a piece, with the
landlord admitting that Xposed had been on repeat in his bar for
most of the previous four days, with the exception of their cover
of “F**k You” as it offended his wife.

“I'll drop you off
home,” Jack offered the two sisters, but Paige shook head.

“I'd rather walk.
I want to talk to my sister.”

“I'd rather take
you home,” he replied. “It's pitch black, and it's Croydon.” He
cocked his head as they loaded up the boot of his car and he put
his hands together. “Please, I beg of you.”

“You beg of me?
Oh, all right,” she snapped and the four of them had to squeeze
into the brand new car for the short journey to Selhurst.

“Hey, don't I get
a kiss,” he demanded from Paige when he stopped the car outside her
flat, who blushed under the street light. “I normally get a kiss.
Every time we play, I get a kiss, right?”

“Huhh-nnnn,” Paige
grunted and gave the driver a peck on the cheek through the open
car window. “Happy now?”

“'Til next time,”
he told her and waved as the two sisters walked across the
road.

“What was that
about?” Hazel asked as they stepped onto the pavement.

“You don't want to
know. And thanks, it was good seeing you there. Did you enjoy
it?”

Hazel smiled and
nodded. “Yeah. You were brilliant. Really good.”

“That's the first
time I've seen you properly smile,” Paige responded. “Well, for a
long time. Come here.” She held her arms out and put them around
her sister, hugging her tightly. “I've so missed happy Hazel.”

Hazel sniffed.
“Did you really write that song for me?”

“I wrote it while
you were in hospital,” Paige replied. “At your bedside when I
refused to go and get something to eat. Mum and Dad tried to make
me but I just couldn't.” Hazel gulped as Paige looked at her.
“You're my sister, you can't leave me. And no, I've never written
one for Jeremy or Mum or Dad. Just you.”

* *
* * *

“You are mad!”

“I am not mad,”
Claire moaned and dunked her biscuit into her coffee. She looked
over at the proprietor of the little deli-cum-coffee shop where she
worked, who gave her a nod of the head.

“Twenty minutes,
Claire.”

Claire turned her
attention back to Jack, and she tapped the table. “Listen. We
recorded our music naked, we love being naked.”

“You love being
naked. Paige does. Not me.” She stared at him, and he shrugged.
“Yeah OK, in the studio, but not in public.”

“But you liked it.
We are called the Bare Necessities. Surely we should have a bare
picture on the cover of our CD. We called the CD, “Xposed” for a
reason. And we can do it Calendar Girls style, you know, no rude
shots, get the keyboards and guitar and microphones to cover
us.”

“I will get shot
if Mum and Dad find out about me being in a band and playing pubs.
They will use both barrels if they find out that the lead singer,
not to mention the backing singer and guitarist was also starkers.
If I am naked as well, prfff, I dread to think. I think it would
make Hiroshima look like a Gnat's fart.”

“Stop worrying
about them,” Claire demanded with a scowl. “Just, do what your
heart says. What do you think?” Jack hesitated, and Claire cocked
her head. “What do you think about us? Us three?”

“I think Paige is
one of the best singers in the country,” Jack told her. “I think we
have a perfect album with some great songs. And I think we make a
good unit. I think that Paige singing naked is a bit of a gimmick
to get us known, but I also think it will work, and I like the way
her voice sounds when she gets her kit off.”

“She does not get
her kit off,” Claire told him. “Page 3 get their kit off. Paige
…”

“ … disrobes,”
Jack suggested tactfully. “And I am getting more enjoyment now out
of my music than I ever got out of Element of Surprise or my rugby.
I feel at home, and I wouldn't change it for the world. But because
I like it so much, I have to be careful. You're OK, your parents
are fine with naturism and fine with you singing. Mine are less
so.”

“But … but it's
stopping you doing what you want.”

“It's not. It's
making me think,” Jack corrected her, and Claire pulled her phone
out of her pocket. “And just making me be a bit careful, that's
all.”

“Look at our
MySpace stats.”

“Do we have a
MySpace space?”

“Yes,” Claire
replied. “I put us up there. And Don't Hate Us is one of the most
popular songs.”

“Christ!” Jack
muttered, but Claire just smiled at him.

“After we do a
couple more gigs I want to start putting some photographs up. And I
want us naked on the front cover. I have a friend who is a
photographer and she'd do a wonderful job.”

“Claire, please. I
can't be naked. It's too much of a risk.” Claire cocked her head
and sniffed. “Don't look at me like that.”

“I spoke to Paige
last night, and she said it was a brilliant idea. She said if you
agreed she was totally up for it.”

Jack gulped.
“Paige wants me to do it?”

“Yeah. She said
something about an extra kiss too.”

“OK. I'll think
about it,” he promised and looked at his band mate. “But only
because it's Paige.”

“I'm sure she'll
be honoured,” Claire teased in response.

* *
* * *

“Ruby, Pippa and …
where are the rest?”

“They'll be here,”
Ruby promised Andre as the two girls walked into the small office
above a Battersea shop. “We are here to hammer out some
details.”

“Right,” Andre
murmured, and held his hand out to lead the girls past his desk,
and that of the secretary, to the small office of his uncle.

The balding man
smiled from behind his untidy wooden desk, and he leant across to
shake the hands of the beautiful girls. “Come in, come in, welcome
to Incredible Talents. Bet you know who I am?” The girls looked at
each other blankly, and he scratched his head behind the back of
his ears. “I'm Greg Wilson. I've launched hundreds, if not
thousands of careers, from this office.” He looked around the room
and gestured with his hands. “Doesn't look like much, but it's
amazing, it really is.”

Ruby sat down and
rubbed her hands. “You said you had the book deal we wanted. Your
assistant was sure he had everything we needed and that the
financials met our demands, plus the editorial control.”

“Straight to
business,” Greg laughed and gestured to his nephew to leave them
alone, and Andre closed the door to the office. “Sure. I have the
contract from the publishers here and it's a cracking deal. And
here is our contract, as agreed, to sign.” He tapped two documents
on his desk, and Ruby glanced at Pippa.

Pippa pointed at a
photograph on the wall of a footballer with Greg, and she smiled at
him. “Did he play for England?”

“Luxembourg,” Greg
replied and grinned. “I brought him over and he played around sixty
times for ...” He turned around as Ruby picked up the two contracts
from his desk and she smiled at him.

“I just want to
have a look at the financials.”

“Well let's talk
business,” Greg cried and clapped his hands. Ruby had opened the
book publishing contract as Greg spoke and quickly scanned through
it.

“Ummm … if you
give that back, we can get our contract out of the way first before
talking 'bout that one. Let's do things in order.”

Ruby ignored him
as her eyes leafed through the pages. “This book signing contract
is between us, and the publisher, not you, right?”

“Yes, I believe
so,” Greg admitted. “But …”

“So, you agree,
that this contract is totally separate from that contract.” She
tapped the small bundle of sheets with “Incredible Talents” across
the top and raised her eyebrows. “We can take the publishing
contract away and negotiate that separately. The two aren't
linked.”

“No, that is
true,” Greg admitted to her. “But I would be amazed if you turn it
down. It's a terrific amount up front for an unpublished author,
and the royalties are fantastic. I can guarantee you won't do
better.”

Ruby smiled. “That
is true. Looking at these figures, I won't do any better, and we
will sign this contract. But I won't sign yours.” Greg's smile
disappeared. “For three reasons. One, you have never worked in
pornography before, so you have no idea about our industry ...”

“Now listen here,”
he shouted, but Ruby put her finger to her lips and then pointed at
him.

“Two, I don't
think your contacts – such that they are – would be of any benefit
to us and three, you are someone who is so naïve that you have let
me get my hands on the contract I actually wanted before I have
signed the contract you needed me to sign. You didn't even plan for
what you would do if I got cold feet, and I don't want someone that
dumb running my affairs.”

“But hang on,”
Greg told her. “We've had the entire office working on this for a
week.”

“Yeah, I know. And
that's what's so awful. You would waste that much time by being so
stupid.” Greg whimpered and clenched his fists. “We'll see our own
way out,” she told him and got up from the chair.

“This is what we
call being rammed in the arse,” Pippa told him with a giggle.

“Yeah, with a
twelve-inch monster and no lube,” Ruby added with a sneer.

“I'll see you in
court,” Greg threatened, but Ruby just smiled and rubbed her
hands.

“You do that. And
see ya. And thanks.”

She opened the
door to the office and nodded towards Andre as she strode through
the room. “Good?” Andre asked.

“For us,
wonderful!”

Greg appeared at
the door and beckoned young Andre. “Those bitches,” he yelled as
the two girls slammed the front door of their first floor office.
“They only took the book contract without signing our one.”

“They can't do
that, can they?”

Greg hit the wall
and shouted. “I don't bloody know,” he yelled. “Legally, maybe. I
don't know. The sluts.”

“Hey, there is
another group that I can go see,” Andre suggested, and his uncle
looked at him. “The Sluts of Essex.”

“No, they are
right. We don't know their industry. We should stick to music and
acting. Proper music and proper acting.” He took a few breaths and
looked at his nephew. “The bank has given us four weeks to find
some more clients and come up with a better business plan or
they'll pull the rug from underneath us.”