The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated) (492 page)

DOCTOR CAIUS

Diable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have I

not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place

I did appoint?

You devil! Jack Rugby–my host of the Garter–haven't I

been waiting here to kill him? Haven't I, at the place

I named?

SIR HUGH EVANS

As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the

place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host of

the Garter.

As I am a Christian soul, look you, this is

the place chosen: I'll stand by the judgement of my host

of the Garter.

Host

Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,

soul-curer and body-curer!

Peace, I ask, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,

parson and doctor!

DOCTOR CAIUS

Ay, dat is very good; excellent.

Ah, that's very good; excellent.

Host

Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I

politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I

lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the

motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir

Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the

no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me

thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have

deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong

places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are

whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay

their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;

follow, follow, follow.

Peace, I say! Listen to the landlord of the Garter. Am I

a politician? Am I cunning? Am I a Machiavelli? Shall I

lose my doctor? No, he gives me medicine and

purgatives. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir

Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and tells me

what not to do. Give me your hand, earthly man;

give me your hand, man of heaven. You clever boys, I have

deceived you both: I sent you to the wrong

places; you have shown you have great hearts, your skins are

undamaged, and let a good drink be the result. Come on,

put aside your swords. Come with me, peaceful lads;

follow, follow, follow.

SHALLOW

Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.

Believe me, this is a mad landlord. Follow him, gentlemen, follow him.

SLENDER

[Aside] O sweet Anne Page!

Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host

Oh sweet Anne Page!

DOCTOR CAIUS

Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of

us, ha, ha?

Ha, do I read this correctly? Have you made fools

out of us, hey, hey?

SIR HUGH EVANS

This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I

desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog

our prains together to be revenge on this same

scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.

Well, that's what he's done; he is made us a laughingstock.

I would like us to be friends; and let us rack

our brains together to get revenge on this

scabby, filthy, deceiving villain, the landlord of the Garter.

DOCTOR CAIUS

By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me

where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.

By God, with all my heart. He promised to bring me

to Anne Page; by God, he deceived me too.

SIR HUGH EVANS

Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.

Exeunt

Well, I shall bash his head in. Please, come with me.

Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

MISTRESS PAGE

Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to

be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether

had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels?

No, keep going, my little soldier; you used to be

a follower, but now you are a leader. Would you

rather lead my eyes, or have your eyes on your master's heels?

ROBIN

I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man

than follow him like a dwarf.

I would rather, I swear, go ahead of you like a man

than behind him like a dwarf.

MISTRESS PAGE

O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier.

Enter FORD

Oh, you are a silver tongued boy: I can see you will make a courtier.

FORD

Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

Hello there, Mistress Page. Where are you going?

MISTRESS PAGE

Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

To tell you the truth, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

FORD

Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want

of company. I think, if your husbands were dead,

you two would marry.

Yes, and as  idle as she can be without dying, for lack

of company. I think, if your husbands were dead,

you two would be married.

MISTRESS PAGE

Be sure of that,--two other husbands.

You can be sure of that–to two other husbands.

FORD

Where had you this pretty weather-cock?

Where did you get this pretty little ornament?

MISTRESS PAGE

I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my

husband had him of. What do you call your knight's

name, sirrah?

I can't remember what the hell the name is of

the fellow my husband had him from. What was your knight's

name, sir?

ROBIN

Sir John Falstaff.

Sir John Falstaff.

FORD

Sir John Falstaff!

Sir John Falstaff!

MISTRESS PAGE

He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a

league between my good man and he! Is your wife at

home indeed?

That's the one; I can never remember the name. My husband

and he are thick as thieves! So, your wife is

definitely at home?

FORD

Indeed she is.

She certainly is.

MISTRESS PAGE

By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.

Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN

Then excuse me, sir: I am desperate to see her.

FORD

Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any

thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.

Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as

easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve

score. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he

gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she's

going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A

man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And

Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;

and our revolted wives share damnation together.

Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck

the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming

Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and

wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all

my neighbours shall cry aim.

Clock heard

The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me

search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be

rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as

positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is

there: I will go.

Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY

Hasn't Page.any brains? Hasn't he any eyes? Can't he

think? I'm certain they're all asleep: he has no use for

them. Why, this boy could carry a letter twenty miles

as easily as you could hit a barn door with a cannon.

He is actually helping his wife's plan along; he

is giving her weakness motive and opportunity: and now she's

going to my wife, and taking Falstaff's boy with her. A man

can hear the storm coming. And Falstaff's boy with her!

These are good plots! They are prepared; and our

cheating wives will be dammed together. Well, I

will show him, then torment my wife, pull the

borrowed veil of modesty from the innocent looking

Mistress Page, show up Page himself as an overconfident and

blameworthy cuckold; and in all these rowdy events

my neighbours will praise my efforts. [Clock strikes] The

clock says that it is time, and my certainty tells me

to look: I shall find Falstaff there. I would rather

be applauded for this than mocked, for I am on

very solid ground thinking Falstaff is there. I will go.

SHALLOW PAGE & C

Well met, Master Ford.

Hello there, Master Ford.

FORD

[aside] Trust me, a good knot: [aloud] I have good cheer at home;

and I pray you all go with me.

[ aside] Well, here's a pretty mob: [aloud] I've plenty to eat and drink at home;

please, why don't you all come with me.

SHALLOW

I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

You must excuse me, Master Ford.

SLENDER

And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with

Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for

more money than I'll speak of.

And me, sir: we have a date to dine with

Mistress Anne, and I wouldn't break it off for

the world.

SHALLOW

We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and

my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

We have been hoping for a match between Anne Page and

my cousin Slender, and today we'll know the answer.

SLENDER

I hope I have your good will, father Page.