The Decimation of Mae (The Blue Butterfly) (18 page)

“There was only ever one thing that battled with that
decision.”

He frowned, his head cocked slightly. “And that is?”

I paused as I swallowed back the worry, but I needed to
free the truth and have faith for the first time in my life, and hope I was
doing the right thing.

A tear raced down my face as images flashed behind my
eyes and my heart cried out. “We have a daughter.”

He stared at me. His face was unemotional, and if it
wasn’t for the slight tic in his right cheek I would have thought he hadn’t
heard me. My heart raced uncontrollably in my chest, blood rushing through my
system, making me lightheaded.

“You’re lying,” he hissed as he snapped his fingers
around my upper arms. “You are lying.” He shook me so hard my brain bounced
around my skull, knocking the swollen part until agony pierced my pain barrier.
I squinted at him as nausea threatened. “WHY?”

“I’m not lying to you.”

“You must be. I have watched you, every year, I watched
you. I have never witnessed a child.”

“She was born November the fifth, bonfire night. Six
weeks before your first annual visit.”

I watched as different questions crossed his face, each
as confusing as the last. The first was as I had expected. “Where is she?”

“It doesn’t matter where she is. You will never see her.”

Fury erupted from him and he was instantly upon me, my
back slamming the wall as he imprisoned me under him. His fingers circled my
throat tightly but I took his rage, devoured it, because it was the only thing
that overruled the pain in my heart.

“Where – is – she?”

His grip tightened until all I could do was allow it. His
eyes blazed as furious torrents of hot air raged from his nostrils. He screamed
and dropped me. He paced across the room as he ran his fingers through his
thick hair, turning it into a nest of chaotic black disarray. He turned to me
with narrow eyes. “Are you sure she’s mine?”

My jaw dropped. “How dare you! You really think that
after what you did to me that I would go out and seek lovers?”

“I obviously know nothing about you, Mae.”

I scoffed and shook my head. “I am a woman, Master. I’m
sorry for the way my body works, but did you never consider the outcome of
raping someone without using protection? I mean, it wasn’t as though I had a
choice in the matter, but you did.”

He ran his hands over his face and groaned. “Sweet
fucking Jesus. I…”

“You what? You actually care about another human being,
child or adult? No, you don’t so don’t even pretend to care where she is.”

He spun round. “You know nothing about me, Mae. You have
no idea what I feel or don’t feel.”

“So come on then, surprise me. Who do you care about,
other than yourself, that is?”

“I…” His mouth snapped closed as soon as it had opened.
He blinked furiously then inhaled and sank onto the bottom of the bed. “How am
I supposed to care for my child when I knew nothing of her existence? Tell me
that.”

I couldn’t answer his question but I had one of my own.
“Are you even capable of caring? Of loving?”

His eyes shot up to mine. He paused, reaching inside me
with his gaze. “Yes, Mae. I am very much capable of loving.”

His words brought a shiver and I turned from him, not
allowing him to see the thoughts in my head. “Well she’s cared for. Something I
am unable to do.”

“Did you know of your tumour when you had her?”

“No.” I shook my head and sighed. “But I couldn’t give
her much and she deserved to have more than the horror that brought her into
this world. She must never know how she was created. That is something I won’t
spoil her with.”

He nodded. “Do you see her?”

I swallowed back the bile of sorrow. “No. She is too
innocent to see me. I am a phantom of her nightmares and she deserves dreams
and fairy-tales.”

“You gave her away?”

“No, I didn’t,” I snapped. “I gave her a chance at life.
I killed myself to give her a life with someone who can give her the good
things in life. I destroyed myself when I handed her over so don’t you dare
fucking judge me.”

He shook his head briskly. “I’m not judging you, Mae.”

He lifted from the bed and walked towards me. I swiped at
the tears that fell. He stood before me and turned my face back to his when I
refused to look at him. His hand pressed against the side of my face as his
thumb wiped away the wetness from my cheeks. “What have I done to you?” he
whispered.

My heart cracked and I gazed at him. “You decimated me,
Daniel. You annihilated every single good part of me and structured hatred. I’m
glad I’m dying because there is only so much abhorrence you can live with until
you become an abomination of existence.”

“You never stood a chance, Mae. He wanted you with a
debilitating need.”

“Who did?” I questioned. “I don’t understand.”

He shook his head and turned again. I watched as he
opened one of the doors and disappeared inside. Everything was numb, blurred
around the edges. His confusing declaration didn’t make any sense.

“Who wanted me?” I asked again as I stood at the door to
his walk-in wardrobe and watched him pull on numerous clothes.

“It doesn’t matter.”

     “Of course it bloody
matters. This is my life. If it wasn’t you, then who?” He didn’t answer me so I
took a guess. “Your father?”

He shook his head as he pulled on a dark blue t-shirt
with some foreign words emblazed on the front. I frowned deeper. I had really
thought it was his father that had given the order for me to be the next
auction. “You mean you work for someone else?”

Panic set in. Was Tony aware of this? He hadn’t mentioned
anything and now I was even more troubled. “Daniel, tell me please.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s done. Nothing we can do to
change it now.”

“No, Daniel.” I didn’t care that I used his name. I
didn’t think it even bothered him. “I need to know. It’s important.”

This was bigger than I thought if outsiders ran the
business. I didn’t even know how to alert Tony to this information but I knew
within my bones that I needed to. “If it isn’t your father, then who?”

He frowned, suspicious over my frantic questioning. “Why
does it matter?” Suddenly his eyes widened and he grabbed at me. “Who knew
about our daughter?”

I shook my head as he raged at me. What the hell? The
terror on his face added to my own anguish. “Why?”

“WHO KNOWS?”

I blinked at him as he shouted at me. “I…”

“Fuck, Mae!” He was frantic, fear shaking him as he
demanded an answer. I knew deep down that it was important.

“Just Spud.”

He blanched, the colour on his face draining rapidly as
his breathing became uncontrollable. “No!” He shook his head.

My legs wobbled and I stared wide-eyed. “No, not Spud.
He’s my friend!”

Anguish and guilt covered his face. “No, he isn’t.”

“Yes he is,” I whispered as my heart broke. “He’s the…
only friend I have. Please don’t take that from me as well.”

“I’m so sorry, lamb,” he whispered as he pulled me to him
and placed a lingering kiss on my forehead. “He’s… Spud’s real name is Franco
Genole. He... he…” He blew out a breath and shivered. “He… oh my God, this is
so hard.”

“What is? Tell me.”

He took my hand and led me over to a small couch in the
corner of his room. He sat me down and settled beside me, refusing to let go of
my hands, his grip firm and almost painful. He swallowed again before he blew
the truths of my past into smithereens.

“This… business has been operating for roughly twelve
years. Franco took it over from his father. Besides what you may think, it is
very, very lucrative. It earns Franco and my father millions every year.” I
nodded, urging him to go on. “Franco and another were the main leaders, with my
father just an apprentice back then. Franco became greedy, his thirst for power
and money unquenchable. “

“And you?”

He shrugged. “I was… I’m not going to lie to you, Mae. I
enjoy it. I was brought in six years ago as an auctioneer and hunter.”

“You hunted for victims?”

He nodded and dropped his eyes. “Yes. I hunt for girls
that I know will make us a lot of money at auction. I prowl parties,
universities, bars, even local parks.”

I nodded as nausea curled deep. “But why rape them?”

“Because it destroys them.”

“What the…”

“It’s part of the game, Mae. The destruction. I rape
them, plant the device that allows me to grant access to them. Their lives are
recorded immediately, their stats and images uploaded onto the website so
buyers bid immediately. The bids grow in retrospect to how the stocks… sorry
victims, to how they deal with life after. If they sink, they don’t make it far
but the ones like you, who fight back, they entice the buyers, turn them on. I
believe that is why you saw an overwhelming amount of bids.”

I stared at him. I couldn’t find words to voice how I was
feeling. “Why… me? Why did you choose me?”

“That’s just it.” He shook his head. “I didn’t. For the
first time ever I was sent to you specifically. I’d watched you for a while,
wondering what it was about you that Franco wanted. Yes, you’re beautiful and
strong but I’d never been given an actual target before.”

“It doesn’t make sense.”

He sighed and lifted my hands to his mouth. He kissed my
knuckles and swallowed. “Franco’s partner in the early years was…” He closed
his eyes. “Your father.”

I screamed at him and slapped his face, pulling my hands
out of his. “Don’t fucking lie. It’s you! It’s you who’s done this. You…” I
punched at him, desperately trying to hurt him as his lies finally murdered my
soul, burned it within me until all that was left was dust and agony. “Don’t
lie to make yourself look better. He was a cop, a damn good one.”

He grabbed at my wrists, his fingers holding me in a vice
as he attempted to control me. “I’m not lying. Your father came across Franco’s
operation in the early days. But instead of reporting it, ending it, he fed the
damn thing and made it what it is. He was the brains behind it.”

“NO!”

“Yes, Mae. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry but now we have to
face the fact we have a bigger problem.”

“No.” I grabbed at him frantically. “Oh God, no. Don’t
let him hurt her, Daniel. Please. I don’t understand what he has against me if
my father worked with him.”

He looked away. “Your father fell in love with a
particular girl.”

I blinked. “What? He loved my mother.”

Daniel shrugged. “That is irrelevant. He fell in love
with Franco’s wife.”

My eyes closed slowly as understanding slid in. “All this
for revenge?”

“I’m afraid so. Your parents didn’t die in a one off car
crash, lamb.”

It was all becoming too much. My head throbbed as my
brain struggled with knowledge and hidden truths. “I…” I sagged as numbness
overwhelmed me. “My whole life, since my parents’ death, all I’ve had was the
memories. The happy moments in my childhood that filled the emptiness inside
me. And now, now I won’t even get to leave with those.”

He was silent for a moment but then he looked at me.
“Then we create some more before it’s too late.”

“What?”

He jumped up off the bed almost excitedly. “Pack a bag
with everything you can.”

“Eh?” I stared at him in confusion.

He didn’t answer straight away as he disappeared into his
wardrobe. “I said, pack a bag. We’re leaving.”

”Can we… do that?”

“No,” he answered immediately. “But we are.”

Daniel had brought us to an insanely beautiful cabin deep
in the woods somewhere rural and quiet. After bundling me into his car, we
hadn’t stopped until he pulled up a dirt track and we arrived at the cabin
several hours later. I had begged him to go back for Lola but he’d shaken his
head and told me he’d sorted it. I wasn’t sure how he had sorted it but he’d
disappeared for an hour before he’d fetched me from my room and led me from a
house I never wanted to see again.

“Wow. It’s beautiful.”

He smiled and nodded, sighing deeply as though the place
calmed him. “Yes. It was my mother’s.”

I returned his smile with the gentle way he referred to
his mother. “Is she… dead?”

He nodded once and I knew that was all I was to hear
about her. Sadness weighed heavy as I watched his soft smile disappear and pain
replace it. It was obviously a hard subject and I didn’t press; he was entitled
to his own memories.

He took my hand and pulled me up the small gravel path.
He pulled out a key, unlocking the door and took us both through into a small
square foyer.

Daniel instantly started to pull dust sheets from the
furniture and after I helped him we unveiled the house within an hour. I had
discovered a stunning house, with rich and comfortable furnishings that didn’t
reek of expense and wealth. Cosiness and contentment governed instead of
showiness and fickle status.

“Eat,” Daniel ordered as he held another olive to my
lips.

“I can’t.” I laughed as I placed a hand on my stuffed
belly and leaned back in the chair. “Are you trying to fatten me up before my
slaughter?”

It was meant as a joke but the way his face darkened with
anger halted my laughter. “I’m sorry.” He nodded as he popped a piece of cheese
in his mouth and studied me. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” He grinned. “Although I can’t promise to
answer.”

I shifted in my chair so I was facing him and drew my
knees up, enveloping them in my arms. “Why are you doing this?”

“This?”

“This.” I gestured around the room, referring to the whole
cabin and our sudden escape. “Why have you brought me here?”

He smiled softly. “To be honest, I don’t know.”

I studied him, noticing the tiredness around his eyes and
the strain on his handsome face for the first time. “You say you enjoy this
life. But do you really? Is it what you want, or what you’re doing to please
your father?”

He refilled our glasses and lifted his to his lips,
looking over the rim at me. “Both, but…” He frowned as he struggled with how to
say what he needed to. “But since you I have questioned everything.”

“Why since me?” I took a sip of my own wine and settled
further back in my chair.

“Because I’ve destroyed your last days. I’ve taken so
much from you that suddenly it all seems… wrong.”

“But surely you knew this was wrong well before me?”

He sighed. “Mae, there are things about me that you don’t
know, nor need to know. My life hasn’t exactly been conventional or easy. I’ve
fought to live as you have. I have struggled with pain and guilt, just as you
have. But where we’re different is that I deliver and you receive. But suddenly
you’re delivering the guilt, the questions of what is wrong and right and then…
something else. Something deep inside that I don’t recognise and if I’m honest,
I don’t want to recognise.”

“You don’t recognise emotion?”

He scoffed bitterly. “Oh I recognise emotion, just not
this type or this intensely. I don’t like it, I hate it. It threatens to take
over and drown me.”

“And what emotion is it?”

“It doesn’t matter.” He snapped upright. “You won’t be
here to understand it, so there is no point in accepting it.”

My chest ached as his bitterness slapped me. He sighed
and turned back to me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so heartless.”

“It’s fine. It’s the truth. There’s no point to lies at
this stage.”

We gazed at each other, hurt and devastation ruling the
atmosphere between us. Guilt consumed me and I straightened my back. “But there
is something you should know.”

He quirked an eyebrow and crossed his arms over his chest
as he leant back against the worktop. “Go on.”

I fidgeted, drawing my knees higher as if they would
protect me. “Tony.”

His brows lifted and he nodded. “Tony?”

“Yes.” My mouth dried but I pushed on. I needed him to know.
I wasn’t sure why. After everything, I should still hate him but I couldn’t bring
myself to. I wanted and needed to die with an open heart, without anything
weighing me down. “He’s… he’s…”

“Undercover,” he finished for me.

My eyes bulged. “You know?”

He smirked. “I’m not blind, Mae. I knew there was
something about him. His bids were excessively high and it’s my job to do my
homework on our clients. He isn’t on any database, nor does he have reliable
references. You recognised him immediately and that in itself alerted me to
something about him.”

“What have you done?”

He rolled his eyes and sighed. “It doesn’t concern you
now.”

“But it does,” I argued as I shot out of my chair. “He’s
getting Lola out. You can’t interfere. She doesn’t deserve this as much as I
didn’t, as much as none of your victims did.”

“Mae…”

“You can’t play with people’s lives, Daniel. You need to
stop this now. It’s not right, it’s turning you into a monster and I know you
aren’t one. You’re far from the devil you try to portray yourself as.”

“Mae, listen to me…”

“No!” I pushed at him as terror at Lola’s future hung in
the balance. “You have to get her out!”

“I HAVE!” he shouted to make himself heard over my
frantic rambling. “She’s safe, lamb. She’s safe.” A sob erupted as he framed my
face with his hands and made me look at him. “Lola is safe. Okay?”

“Are you sure? You’re not just saying that to shut me up?”

“God damn it!” He stepped back and pulled a phone from
his pocket. “It’s me,” he said into the phone. “I need you to speak with Mae
and tell her Lola is with you. She won’t believe me.”

I took the phone from him when he pushed it angrily at
me. I frowned and hesitantly lifted the phone to my ear. “Hello?”

“Mae?”

“Yes.” The voice was familiar but yet I couldn’t place
it. “Who is this?” He chuckled lightly and my eyes widened. “Frank?”

“Hello, sweetheart.” His stutter was completely gone and my
jaw dropped. “I know it’s a little hard to understand at the moment but you
need to trust Daniel now. I have Lola with me and we’re both safe.” Lola
shouted in the background and the sound of her happy voice choked me.

“Okay.” It was all I could say as confusion rendered me
silent.

“Mae?”

“I’m here.”

“Listen. I… I won’t have another chance to say this but I…
well I just wanted to let you know how much I admire you. You are one strong
woman and I know as long as I live that I will never meet another beautiful
soul like you. You stuck up for what you know is right no matter the
consequences to yourself and I know… I know you will be rewarded for that.” I
couldn’t speak as his kind words twisted at my heart. He knew I was struggling.
“May you find your peace, Mae Swift.”

I nodded. “And you, Frank. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, sweetheart,” he whispered back as his voice
tightened. “Goodbye.”

Daniel took the phone from me and took me into his body
tightly. The situation hit me suddenly and I sobbed into him. “I’m going to
die,” I whispered against him. “I…”

“Sshhh.” He held me closer, pulling me tight as I let it
go.

“I’m so scared. I… I’m frightened of what…”

“I know, Mae. I’ve sorted it, don’t worry.”

I reared back and looked up at him. “You’ve sorted what?
How can you even
sort
this?”

He looked apprehensive and I frowned at him. “When I
asked you if you wanted the choice of when you would go. You told me yes.” I
nodded but I still didn’t understand. “Well, now you get to choose, lamb. You
get to pick the time you go. Not God, not the pain, not even your own body, but
you. I brought something with me that… that will lead you peacefully to where
you need to go.”

I stared at him, swallowing back the unknown. “You… we do
this together?”

He nodded, his eyes widening as dampness glistened in his
eyes. “Yes. We do it together. You won’t ever be alone again. I promise.”

I nodded firmly as my throat closed in. He stepped
towards me and took my hand, watching the way I curled my fingers around his.
“It’s the least I can do now. I owe you peace, Mae. I owe you your final
moments and I promise to make them as… tender as possible. Do you understand
what I’m saying?”

I nodded. “But I still need to hear it, Daniel.”

He shook his head. “The words will never come. I’m
incapable of feeling, Mae but I need you to know that yes, with you I finally
feel my heart beating faster and harder. I feel the need to give pleasure
without taking. I feel it inside me, the warmth, the pain, the guilt, and for
that alone I know how hard this will be but still I will make sure you leave me
with a smile on your beautiful face.”

He brought his mouth to mine and showed me without words
how he felt. The tenderness and gentility in his kiss wound around my soul and
soothed it. His tongue slowly traced the edge of mine as he slipped his fingers
through my hair and held me as tight as he possibly could. His lips moulded to
mine as he drove adoration into me, expressing how he felt without a
declaration.

I closed my eyes and ran my nose down his when he rested
his forehead against mine. “Then I will say it,” I whispered. “I love you.”

His grip on my hair tightened as a funny sound echoed in
his chest. He was almost desperate as he pushed me back against the wall and
continued to kiss me. His passion and need governed him this time and the kiss
was hungry and demanding.

He placed his hands under my bottom and lifted me, urging
me to wrap my legs around his waist. He didn’t waste time as he scrambled with
the hem of my dress and yanked it up around my waist before he thrust deep
inside me. My head dropped back and we both groaned in pleasure as I shifted my
hips to accommodate him easier.

“Oh God,” he breathed as he rested his head in the crook
of my shoulder. “You are so damn perfect.” His thrusts quickened as he slammed
deeper and deeper into me. “You were made for me, lamb. This is so wrong.” The
strain in his voice hurt my soul and devastation clenched at my heart.

“Then make it right before I go, Daniel.”

He looked at me, his eyes full of sorrow. “It’s too late
for me.”

“No,” I whispered as I stroked his hair from his forehead
and pulled him to me. “It’s never too late. Your heart is bigger than you think.
Let it take you where you need to go. Fall in love, Daniel. Find someone who
loves you so much that it’s painful. Let her hold your hand, and let her guide
you.”

Tears streamed down my face as I begged him to take what
he could from life and live it. “I need you to carry on when I’m gone. Find
her, Daniel. Find her.” He stared at me in shock. “Her name is Annabelle Rose.
I placed her in foster care. You need to find her and give her a family.
Promise me.”

He nodded feverishly. “I promise, Mae. I will find her and
I will keep her safe. I will nurture her and love her. I will tell her how God
damned fucking special her mother was. I’ll tell her how much love you had for
her and how you perfected motherhood by being selfless and giving her a chance
at life.”

He drove into me and I cried out as my heart broke and my
orgasm liberated my sobs. He clung to me, his own distress heavy as he took my
sobs and soaked them up.

“Tomorrow,” I whispered.

He nodded; he knew what I meant. His eyes held mine as we
both braved the burden tomorrow would bring. But I was ready, finally ready. I
was tired of living and I needed the journey into oblivion to stop the hatred
and pain inside me.

“Tomorrow, Mae Swift.”

“What’s your surname?” I asked. I suddenly wanted to
know, I had no idea why.

He chuckled and smirked. “Why, lamb, I am Shepherd. I’ve
told you once.” He tapped my nose playfully. “My name is Daniel Shepherd.”