The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (93 page)

There are also mega-registry sites (such as
myregistry.com
and wishlist.com) that allow you to shop around in many different stores but have the registry information in one place, ready for your guests to pull out their credit cards and bestow gifts. Mega sites sometimes tack on processing fees, so read the fine print.

There are also sites that focus on same-sex weddings, so if you feel it's important to support the community, explore this option. Check out
gayweddingregistry.com
and take it from there.

Real live stores that you visit in person will also put your wish lists online. Here you get the best of both worlds, with authentic human contact plus the convenience of the Net. Listing it online will also help you track who gave you what (and who didn't).

If you really want to give back to the community, look up your favorite gay and lesbian organization to see if they have an online donation component. The Human Rights Campaign Fund has a cool wedding registry where you can post your pictures and a personal story. Your guests can fill out a form and choose to donate what they can comfortably afford.

HOW TO AVOID GETTING A BLENDER

If you don't choose to register, you're certain to be asked, “What can I get you for your wedding?” If your answer is, “Oh, I'm sure we'll treasure whatever you get us,” you'll end up with several blenders. How is your Uncle Barry supposed to know that you wanted His and His terry-cloth bathrobes or Hers and Hers hand towels? So prepare some real answers: “We really love to travel” might prompt a passport wallet or luggage (or two tickets to Tahiti); “We're both avid readers” could produce the latest bestsellers. Or tell them outright, “We certainly have everything we need for the kitchen,” which should help you to avoid that blender. If you do register, you can let them know: “Oh, we're registered at Williams Sonoma.” And don't register for a blender.

A Tale of Two Registries

Registry One:

Randy, who works at the bridal registry at Bloomingdale's in New York, explained to us that for same-sex couples, “we make a note on the account so that correspondence from the store isn't automatically written ‘Dear Ms.' or ‘Dear Mr.' just because one name is in the bride's column and one is in the groom's. We also register for any occasion you want at the self-registry. But I feel that for a gay couple to do that—to ‘make something up'—well, that's a cop-out. Bridal registry implies
commitment,
so if you're having a ceremony, whether it's same-sex or heterosexual, come to the bridal registry and register as a couple. If you register in another way, you're tip-toeing around the issue.”

Registry Two:

Michael, who registered at a large Atlanta department store, had a somewhat different experience: “I have to say, registering is the only place that we got a little attitude. We went in and I said, ‘I'd like to register my china pattern,' and the lady said, ‘Is the bride with you today?' Meanwhile I have this six-foot man standing next to me. So we told her what was going on, and everything seemed to be fine. But when friends started calling up the registry, the way the store filled things out, they had me listed as the bride. So I went back to the lady and complained and she said, ‘Well, there's no way for us to switch it around.' I said, ‘Look, I realize that this is a gay wedding, but I am a groom and I should be listed under “groom” and that's that!' By the time I left, we were cross-referenced on both lists. In other words, we were both down as ‘bride' and ‘groom.' No way could anyone not find us.”

Register in stores where you and your guests feel comfortable shopping. It's actually best if it's a store where you shop on a somewhat regular basis. Tiffany and Cartier will certainly register a same-sex couple, but before you decide to go with them, really think about the items they offer and how those things would fit in with your lifestyle.

You can register at a couple of places (three, tops)—say, a department store and a specialty store—but don't duplicate merchandise.

China and silver are traditionally popular for registry because they can be extraordinarily expensive. If you're registering a pattern, figure in how many guests might decide to buy this against the number of pieces in the set. If you pick a set with too many pieces and you have a small number of guests, you'll end up with one set of salt-and-pepper shakers, and maybe a cup (with no saucer).

Register in many different price categories. Two or more people might want to go in together on a higher-ticket item, but be sensitive to your guests' budgets.

Do not attempt to do this all in one day. Take your time; after all, you'll be living with these choices for a long while.

One gal came in and said, “I don't know what I want. I'm not even sure what I like.” It's very hard when people don't have any taste or any ideas, so you try and show them things, and some of them they like. Then it's, “How will I know I'm going to like this in ten years?” “Well,” I say, “how will you know if you're going to like your partner in ten years?” If you can't make up your mind, leave it off your list.

—Barbara Held, Barney's New York

BRAVE NEW WORLD PLACES TO REGISTER

Your favorite airline

The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Target

TenThousandVillages.com

The Price Club/Sam's Club

freedomtomarry.org

rainbowweddings.com

gayweddings.com

Gay couples have entered the wedding-gift market at a time when the rules are broadening. Rather than working on Limoges place settings for twelve,
traditional and nontraditional couples alike are registering at Home Depot and with environmentally friendly Internet sites. Garden centers, “big box” stores, even travel agencies will work with you to set up a gift registry. If the roof needs fixing, “register” with your local roofer. Or how about registering your special “asphalt pattern” at the hardware store so you can finally redo your bumpy driveway. Recently we heard about a home-mortgage company in Long Island that established a registry to help couples with the down payment on a house. This current trend is a reaction both to changing personal values and to cold hard economic realities.