The Guide to Getting It On (61 page)

Another way that men sometimes masturbate is by lubricating the inside of a condom with a water-based lube like KY. They slide a condom on their erect penis, wrap their fingers around it and pump away. A variation of this is to lube up the inside of a Baggie or plastic bag and put it between your pillows or mattress and box springs. You then get on your knees and hump the bag, being careful not to get your mattress pregnant.

Banana peels can come in handy. If you are having trouble with the peel falling apart and condoms are plentiful, try putting a condom over the peel. If you make an artificial vagina and heat it in a microwave, be cautious. It could feel nice and warm around the outside, but could sizzle your penis when you stick it in the center.

Foreskin Tricks for Men Who Are Uncut

Fill a turkey baster or syringe with warm water. Pull your foreskin over the head of your penis and crimp it with your fingers over the end of the turkey baster. As you gently squeeze the end of the turkey baster, the warm water fills your foreskin and causes it to balloon out. Then let go of the bulb and the baster sucks up the water. Keep repeating until you come.

Another unusual method is to keep the foreskin retracted. Tug the foreskin lightly by pulling it down toward your scrotum. This will cause it to become taut. Keep repeating this until you come. It will take a while, but might be pretty intense. (Thanks to JackinWorld.com for these suggestions.)

Rushin’ Roulette (for Men)

Guys tend to rush themselves when they are masturbating. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, a man often wants to get to the heavy-duty pleasure part as soon as possible. Second is the matter of privacy, or lack of it, when you are growing up. (The same privacy challenge repeats itself when you have your own children.) The last thing most guys want is for someone to walk in on them when they are stroking themselves, so they teach themselves to come quickly and quietly. Also, if they are doing it in the shower, the extra speed helps them finish before the hot water runs out. And if you take a really long shower, most everybody knows what you are doing.

Learning to Live in the Zone of Subtle Sensation

Taking extra time when masturbating might help a man learn about subtle sensations that he won’t notice if he’s always red-lining it. If he slows down as ejaculation approaches, he might discover a rush of feelings in his stomach, bladder, or rectum. Instead of going for the big squirt, he might try to back off a bit, teaching himself how to live in the zone of subtle sensation. If allowed to emerge slowly, pre-squirt feelings can be quite intense and last for long periods of time without becoming an actual ejaculation. Learning to stay with these feelings might help a man experience deeper levels of intimacy when he is with a partner.

Also, instead of reaching for his crotch each time he masturbates, a man might start by touching or massaging other parts of his body: scalp, face, neck, shoulders, chest, hands, feet, etc. This can be a way of reminding himself that sex is a full-body activity rather than something that just happens between his legs. (One female reader says that this section should have been written for women as well as men.) For new ways of stroking yourself that you might not have thought about before, check out the “Extreme Handjob” part of Chapter 14:
Handjobs
.

Reader Comment:
“This is just as true for women when they masturbate as for men!”

Intercourse Spoilers

Grip of Death Guys tend to grip themselves tightly when masturbating. Yet few vaginas can come close to generating that kind of squeezing action. This might be one reason why some men have more intense orgasms when they masturbate than during intercourse. You might try masturbating with a lighter grip, at least occasionally.

Face Down Some men who always masturbate face down have erection and/or orgasm problems when trying to have sex with a woman. So, if you are having erection problems or delayed orgasm and masturbate face down, try to limit your jerking off to sunnyside up. And if you masturbate face down and have erections of steel and are able to come when you and your partner would like, have a good laugh over this paragraph of caution.

Warnings

URETHRA SAFETY:
See “sounds” in the glossary at the end of this book.Some people, both men and women, are tempted to stick things up their urethra (pee hole) when they play with themselves. This is known as
urethral play
or
sounding.
If you don’t know what you are doing, this can be a dangerous thing. It may end up requiring an embarrassing visit to a hospital emergency room and maybe even surgery if the object gets lost in your bladder.

BUTTHOLE SAFETY:
Some men and women enjoy sticking things up their buttholes when they play. Be sure the object is well-washed and has no sharp edges. The advantage of using a finger is that it’s not likely to get lost up there. Always wash your hands ahead of time and make sure that your fingernails don’t look like Elvira’s. A good alternative is to use a butt plug.

BAGGING and REALLY TWISTED STUFF:
Over the years, people have tried some seriously dangerous and life-threatening ways of getting themselves off. If you are into that sort of thing, there are two ways to go. If you need to act out scenes or levels of kink that are risky, search out a community of caring, thoughtful people who are into similar things and can help you to do it as safely as possible. The other way is to get yourself some therapy from a sex-positive psychotherapist or sex therapist. Bagging or erotic asphyxiation is discussed in Chapter 47:
Kinky Corner
.

Give Porn a Rest!

Try not to sell your soul to the producers of porn by always using porn to masturbate with. Jerking off to your own fantasies that you have created in your mind is one of the nicer things in life. While there are no studies on this, there’s just something wrong about always using the extreme visual input of porn for masturbation. Enjoy the images, fantasies and sexual scenarios that are truly your mind’s own creations.

Readers’ Comment Quiz. Guess which answers are men’s and which are women’s.

Have you ever needed to masturbate while away from home?

a. “I have done so occasionally in the car, while driving. Tricky, but doable.”
age 37

b. “I would pretty much masturbate anywhere if I could. I know it sounds silly, but when I am on the beach or catching a killer wave I get kind of horny.”
age 23

c. “Yes. Although never at my current job, I have masturbated at work.”
age 26

d. “Yes. I’ve masturbated driving in my car; the urge was just too great and I had to deal with it right then.”
age 36

e. “It has happened. I feel pressure like I’ll go nuts if I don’t get relief, and I’ll sneak off.”
age 38

f. “Except for when I was on a long vacation, I’ve always been able to wait until I got home.”
age 26

g. “One time I was driving and I had a terrible urge, so I brought myself to orgasm. I’ve also done it at work once.”
age 43

h. “I was once on a long-distance bus trip and a teenage boy was next to me. I don’t remember why, but I got very aroused, so I put my coat over me and masturbated while he slept.”
age 45

i. “While my partner lived in a different city, I used to all the time. I would lock myself in the bathroom and put my feet on the wall while sitting on the toilet, with my legs bent and above my head. It was most satisfying this way.”
age 37

j. “I was using the computer at my brother’s house when no one was home. While on the net, I was talking to someone who was so hot that I had to masturbate to release enough tension so I could keep talking online.”
age 27

Answers: a. female b. female c. female d. female e. female f. male g. female h. female i. female j. female Darned stereotypes...

CHAPTER

26

Oscillator, Generator, Vibrator & Dildo

I
t used to be “sex toy” meant getting yourself a vibrator or dildo. Vibrators were one of the first electric machines created back in the 1800s, and they have been a hit ever since. Other useful toys include sleeves for male masturbation, bondage devices for people who are into BDSM, butt plugs, and some very cool double dildos. Additional spicer-uppers include adult literature and DVDs.

In recent years, sex toys have become the new Tupperware, with people selling them at parties, on the Internet, and anywhere else you can think of. So rather than being a fluff piece on the joys of sex toys, this chapter takes a more balanced view. It hopes to broaden your notion of what a sex toy is in a relationship, and it looks at what makes a toy sexy. It has suggestions for how to size a dildo, and it considers when a partner might feel threatened by your vibrator or dildo. Also, while sex-toy aficionados will call this blasphemy, keep in mind that there are lots of people who don’t use sex toys and still have wonderfully fun sex lives.

Sex Toy Strategy, Part 1

Before investing money in the latest sex toy or getting your hopes up that the hype is real, why not think about what it is you want a sex toy to do for you? If you are trying to get a sex toy for a partner, think about the things that turn him or her on. If your gift doesn’t resonate with a lover’s fantasies, it will probably end up being just another buzzing piece of plastic or a suggestive
whatever
without any sexual oomph.

Another thing to ask yourself is, “Would my partner prefer flowers and the latest book by her favorite author?” “Would he like it better if I got him a new computer gizmo or brake cable for his mountain bike rather than this strange looking sex toy that he’s supposed to stick up his ass?”

As for haphazard sex-toy shopping, let’s say you are a woman who is trying to rev up her partner’s interest. You could always buy him a thick sleeve-like vagina-device that he sticks his penis into. Forget that it might feel like the vagina of a dead woman—the websites that are selling it claim it’s even better than blow-up dolls! Or you could take a smarter approach that’s outlined in next section “Sex Toy Strategy, Part 2.”

NOTE:
Over the years we have tried a $1200 sex-toy device that had nothing on a $20 vibrator. We also tried a $600 male masturbating device that made you appreciate just how good your own hand feels. Just because it’s supposed to be great doesn’t mean it’s great for you or your partner. On the other hand, a lot of time and money is going into making sex toys the best they can possibly be.