The Guide to Getting It On (72 page)

Another problem is when an employee uses work as a source of hookups and casual sex partners. This behavior almost always leads to workplace drama and can become highly disruptive. Casual sex among co-workers is one of the things employers dislike the most about co-worker dating.

Company Dating Policy

The vast majority of companies don’t have a dating policy, but some do. You probably don’t want to raise suspicion by calling your boss or HR and asking “What’s our company’s policy about dating co-workers?” But if your company does have a policy, it will probably be in your employee handbook.

Some companies have a policy that says it’s not okay for a boss or supervisor to date a subordinate, or that they can’t work together. At some companies it’s okay for co-workers to date, but if they get married, one of them has to transfer or get a job somewhere else.

In case you are wondering why a company would be concerned about sexual relationships among co-workers, consider the following:

Relationship-related workplace insanity:
Companies don’t want relationship issues in the workplace. They don’t want their employees groping in front of the copy machine or hurling nasty barbs when a relationship starts to sour. They don’t want things going on that will make other employees feel uncomfortable or angry.

Sexual harassment lawsuits:
While these suits are not common, lawyers tend to come unglued when an boss or supervisor is dating an underling. What if the couple breaks up and the worker is denied a promotion? This can look like retaliation. There can also be a serious power differential. What if the worker feels he or she has to accept advances from higher-ups or else? This is why it can be wise for one of the parties to transfer into a different department when a supervisor is dating someone he or she supervises.

Preferential Treatment:
Let’s say Austin, who is a middle manager, is dating Brandi, who is an executive vice president. Stormy is another middle manager who is aware that Brandi and Austin are dating. So what happens when Austin, who is incredibly hard working and deserving of a promotion, gets a promotion that Stormy felt she should have had? Stormy can make a big stink about how Austin received preferential treatment due to Austin’s relationship with Brandi. Even if nothing was underhanded or wrong, appearances can make a difference in the workplace.

Company Adjacent

Work-related relationships can extend beyond your immediate co-workers. It might include dating a client, vendor, sales rep, consultant, or a patient. Does your company have a policy about this?

Dating In the Workplace vs. Casual Sex

You don’t need to become the company virgin, but it won’t help your career if you’re known as the mailroom manwhore or watercooler slut. So if you are hot for a co-worker and value your job, put a lock on your fly or a latch on your labia until you’ve dated more than once or twice and have long-term potential. While marriage needn’t be the goal, at the very least, you’ll want to aspire to an exclusive and stable booty-buddy relationship. Otherwise, look elsewhere for a dating pool.

What Happens at Home Should Stay at Home

Normally, work can be a place of refuge during times of relationship drama. Try to keep it that way even if you are dating a co-worker. Talk to your lover about the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries between the two of you and your respective jobs. Create mutual strategies to achieve this early in your relationship.

PDA? NFW!

Besides bringing relationship issues to work, the quickest way to get fired is to annoy co-workers with public displays of affection.

Even if you are in the safety of a locked supply room or have taken refuge in the furthest recesses of a warehouse, do not kiss, grope each other, or have sex at work. And while it might be perfectly normal to sext a lover who is working for another company, never sext a co-worker when either of you is at work. It’s not smart and it’s not worth the risk.

When you are at work, treat your lover the same as you would treat any other co-worker. Have an understanding about this. You have no idea how much better being discreet will work out for both of you.

When to Go Public

Never underestimate the power of pettiness in the workforce. When people get bored at work, there’s no better way to pass time than with vicious gossip. This means that stealth is your friend.

Not that there’s any research on this, but the longer you keep your relationship under wraps, the better. When you are first dating, try not to post photos of yourselves together on your Facebook page. And resist announcing “Ben from underwriting asked me out!” Give your relationship time to develop before telling your co-workers.

This might sound like overkill, but try making “an organizational chart” of co-workers who will be most affected when they learn you have become orgasm-bonded. This will help you evolve a more effective strategy of how to handle matters when your relationship status becomes known.

Once you are ready to let the cat out of the bag, plan who you are going to tell. Should you inform your supervisors first? If you have different supervisors, you should probably tell them on the same day so they find out about it directly from you. If you have the same supervisor, should you both be there to make the announcement?

If a co-worker pitches a fit because you’ve been dating another worker and haven’t told him or her, how are you going to handle that? Perhaps it would help to explain that you wanted to make sure things would work out first, and that he or she is the first one you are telling.

Don’t be surprised if everyone is aware of your secret. Still, most will appreciate how you’ve attempted to be professional about your “coupleness” at work. At the very least, being discreet will give your co-workers less ammo to say nasty things about you the moment your back is turned.

Extramarital Affairs at Work

One of the most damaging things you can do to your career is have an extramarital affair with a co-worker. You will be shocked to learn how many people will be affected if you are cheating on a partner with someone from work. Even if they don’t like your spouse, cheating makes people squirm. Maybe it’s because it reminds them of what their own spouse might be doing with someone else. Or maybe it just doesn’t feel right morally.

If you and your spouse have an open relationship, it’s not actually cheating. But good luck explaining that to your co-workers!

Breaking Up

Maybe you’ll decide to take your relationship with a co-worker further than just dating. Or maybe there will come a point when one or both of you feels it’s time to go your own ways.

Hopefully, if you split up, you’ll be one of the rare couples that is able to remain friends. But even the most amicable of partings can be a challenge.

Something you might consider talking about at the start of your relationship is how the two of you would handle it at work if you split up. Unfortunately, there’s no way to predict how you will feel or how you’ll behave if your relationship falls on bad times.

Just as getting together may have impacted your fellow workers, your splitting up may impact them as well. You never want to pressure them into taking sides or make them feel uncomfortable when they are around either or both of you. As much as it might be tempting, do not diss your ex at work or with a co-worker. In addition to making you look petty, this will not help your career. If you are too hurt to act rationally, don’t hesitate to see a therapist to help you keep it together.

A Human Resources Executive Weighs In

Here are the observations of a human resources professional with more than twenty years of experience. He believes that co-worker relationships are inevitable, given how much time workers spend together. However, the relationships don’t always work out well.

“Co-worker relationships are probably the most reoccurring cause of employee issues I have experienced. Typically the problems are worse when the relationship is in the end stages. However, I have seen a situation where the partners involved held senior positions and virtually destroyed a division when they were at the height of their relationship.”

“It’s not unusual for workers to refuse to talk to or interact with anyone if it involves their ex. Essential information will stop flowing. Their friends become involved when things heat up and both sides jockey for position. Absenteeism will rise and one of the former partners will often quit or will be fired, especially if one continues to goad the other.”

Hopefully you will take this to heart. With an awareness of how badly things can turn out, it’s your job to keep the drama under control if you have sex with a co-worker.

Reader Comments

“I have seen a lot of horrible office relationships! I have also seen a few great marriages stem from inner-office relationships. It’s more common than I thought. I promised myself I would never date a co-worker. However, I have met some of my best friends here at work. And well, I broke my own rule and started dating one of my best friends who is a co-worker!”

“My partner and I have been co-workers for almost six years. We met working on the same project. We continue to work together. We have been lovers for almost four years and have lived together for two. Both our colleagues and our senior management are totally supportive. I totally enjoy working with someone I love and respect personally as well as professionally and it is a blessing to have a partner who is completely aware of and understands your work environment, stresses, etc.”

“I had sex with one of my co-workers and it was fine. He was nice and the sex was good. Even when we stopped seeing each other we stayed friends and work was good for a long time. But I also had sex with my boss one summer and it went so badly that I lied and told him I had an STD when I eventually quit. He was mostly a jackass about it. I think that the sex basically made bad situations worse, and possibly made good situations better.”

“I’ve had sex with co-workers on a couple of occasions, some have ended well and others haven’t. Oddly, I’ve found its been the men in these scenarios that tended to get weird.”

CHAPTER

33

Sex When You Move Back Home