The Guide to Getting It On (67 page)

Here’s the problem: it’s not like those of us in Pornland are here because we’re the best at making love. We may be the biggest and we may last the longest, but we’re not the best. We’re really good at one thing: getting our freak on for the camera. But that’s not making love.

Seriously, have you ever seen any of us kiss for half an hour? Have you ever seen any of us give each other massages or laugh and tease each other? None of that works for the camera. Imagine needing inspiration for stroking and landing on a website where couples do nothing but kiss?

Pornland isn’t like real life. We just pretend it is. There are no B-cup breasts or five-inch penises in Pornland. They’re forbidden. We’re all an exaggeration. We’re here to sell you on porn. We want you to be as excited about porn as a cat in a tuna factory. But none of what we do is about making love. It’s about getting you to stroke yourself when you are in front of a flat screen. And to want to do it again tomorrow.

When’s the last time you sat staring with your face two feet away from the crotches of people who were having sex? When’s the last time you made love to someone whose coochie had special makeup on it and a 400 watt spotlight shining between her legs? You haven’t, because people don’t do that. But it’s what we do in Pornland. We’re an amusement park of excess. We exaggerate everything. We have to. How else could a two-dimensional image on a computer or phone get you to stick your hand in your pants?

To make you want to stroke yourself, I have to hire actresses who can convince you that they’re having orgasms when a stranger with a penis the size of a Pringle’s can is pounding them in ways that would cause most women pain. I have to hire actresses who won’t throw up when I tell them to suck on an unwashed penis that’s just been up their rear end. I have to hire actresses who don’t mind being thrown around like rag dolls and can have sex in positions that would make Houdini cry uncle.

I have to hire actresses who will do things that cam girls and prostitutes won’t. And if a woman you are paying to have sex with won’t do it, you can be pretty sure your wife or girlfriend won’t do it either.

There’s a lot of sex here in Pornland, but there aren’t many real orgasms for the actresses. That’s not why they’re here. Their job is make you stroke it. For a lot of these girls, it’s their fifteen minutes of fame. It’s about them getting to feel good about themselves because you’re at home masturbating to them.

I understand that not all porn is from Pornland. There’s a lot of amateur and homemade porn that people post online. But guess what? If their homemade porn doesn’t look like what we produce in Pornland, you aren’t going to watch it. You’re not going to put up with some guy giving a woman oral sex for a half an hour while she’s laying there looking like she took a handful of tranquilizers. Who cares if he’s rocking her world? It doesn’t matter unless the camera can make it look like he’s rocking her world. And that would mean she would be in a position that isn’t comfortable and he wouldn’t really be giving her oral sex because we don’t do that in Pornland. It blocks the camera’s view of her goodies.

Even if all you’re doing is watching the free tours, Pornland is making money. So it’s in our interest to create the kind of visual feast that you can’t resist. We don’t care if it has nothing to do with sex in real life. That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to excite you without asking a single thing of you. Good luck making that work in real life!

If you watch porn occasionally, we like you. But if you watch it a lot, we own you. That happens often enough to make us a couple of billion dollars each year. And that’s what we’re mostly about. We’re not about making love and we’re not about sex with a real-life partner. We don’t care about that.

Ta ta!

Your Fairy Pornmother

CHAPTER

30

Porndoggie’s Dirty Dozen

M
ost people understand the difference between sex in real life and sex in porn. They watch porn in moderation, and would far rather be with a real-life lover. Others, like Porndoggie, aren’t so sure, or wish sex in real life were more like sex in porn.

So when it was time to write a chapter on sex in porn, we interviewed Porndoggie. What follows are his reasons why sex in porn is better than sex in real life. The
Guide To Getting It On
provides a blow-by-blow analysis.

Porndoggie’s Dirty Dozen: Twelve Reasons Why Sex in Porn Is Better Than Sex in Real Life

#1. Creampies and Money Shots (or ‘Facials’)

Porndoggie:
Creampies or facials, creampies or facials, I can’t decide which represents a better use of a porn actor’s talent.

DEFINITION:
Creampies and Money Shots involve a display of semen. The
creampie
has only been in porn for the past decade or so. It’s where a man does a shallow ejaculation inside of a woman’s vagina or anus, but quickly withdraws so the viewer can see his semen oozing out. The
facial
or
money shot
is when a porn actor pulls his penis from whatever part of an actress’s body it’s been in, aims it at her face, breasts, or wherever, and then strokes furiously until he ejaculates on the designated body part.

ANALYSIS:
Facials or money shots are the hallmark of modern porn. Facials would rarely happen outside of BDSM relationships if it weren’t for their popularity in porn, and creampies would never happen. Almost 95% of mainstream porn movies include facials or shots of men coming on women’s bodies. A man with Porndoggie inclinations would not think he’d had sex unless he were able to give a woman a facial or a pearl necklace (which is coming on her neck or breasts).

REAL LIFE:
We occasionally receive a sex survey from a woman who says it’s really hot when a guy ejaculates on her face or breasts. However, most women do not enjoy this or only enjoy it secondarily to the orgasmic bliss it brings their partners. Women who are insecure will tell a Porndoggie partner they are okay with it just to please him.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
Do not assume your partner wants you to come on her face, breasts, belly, butt, or back. Do not attempt it unless she is genuinely excited about it, and do not get splooge in her eyes. It will burn.

#2. Anal Sex and ATM

Porndoggie:
While I think ATM is the coolest thing since anal bleaching, nothing hits the spot like good old-fashioned anal sex.

DEFINITION:
Ass-to-mouth
is a recent addition to mainstream porn. It involves a porn actor pulling his penis from an actress’s rectum and placing it directly into her mouth without washing it first. It is referred to as ATM, A2M, or ATG if you are British (ass-to-gob). Sometimes, the actor will pull his penis from the rectum of one actress and place it into the mouth of another actress, or he might do “ass-to-pussy.”

ANALYSIS:
Anal sex dates back to the time of the ancients, but ATM is an invention of modern porn. It’s porn’s way of going the extra mile to get your view.

REAL LIFE:
Anal sex requires a great deal of trust, relaxation, lubrication, feedback, desire, and practice. None of these ever happen in porn, where a porn actress’s anus often sees as much action as her vagina. While a lot of couples will eventually try anal sex, its occurrence is modest when compared to mainstream porn.

As for ass-to-mouth, it is interesting that porn actresses don’t stick their fingers or dildos up the rectums of male actors and put them straight into the male actor’s mouths. Perhaps that’s because most straight men would find this horrifying.

It’s possible the actresses who do ATM are simply damaged souls or they are so desperate to have a moment of recognition that they’ll do something that not only degrades themselves but women in general.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
While we do hear from women who wish their partners would be more anally adventurous, do not assume all women are longing to have anal sex. Do not even inquire unless you’ve been together several times and have good sexual chemistry. If both of you want to experiment with anal sex, read the anal-sex chapter in this book as well other recommended texts. Go slowly and cautiously. That way, your chances of it being an enjoyable experience will go way up.

Trying to perform anal sex like they show in porn will assure it’s a terrible experience. Ass-to-mouth should only be practiced by men who enjoy degrading women and by women who enjoy being degraded by men. Ass-to-pussy is a great way to get a vaginal infection.

#3. Women Always Want Sex!

Porndoggie:
Porn actresses enjoy sex. The women in porn love sex way more than other women. And they know that porn actors have the skills to please them.

ANALYSIS:
In porn, having sex never depends on needing to invest in a relationship. There’s no such thing as having a bad day, being angry or disappointed in your partner, or the need to respect and treat your partner well. No one ever feels tired or just wants to cuddle.

REAL LIFE:
It doesn’t work like this in real life.

#4. No Time Wasted on Foreplay

Porndoggie:
The reason women get tired of men is that men spend too much time trying to kiss them. Women want sex now.

ANALYSIS:
It’s all about the penis in porn. No tender touching, no caressing, no passionate kissing, no running your fingertips through your partner’s hair. It’s not unusual for porn to define women as vaginas, mouths and rectums with breasts attached.

REAL LIFE:
There are certainly times when a woman wants a man to get naked, hard, and inside of her without delay. But that’s usually after she’s already worked herself up. The more time a man spends creating anticipation and erotic tension, the more his partner will tend to want sex. The same is true for kissing and caressing before a penis is ever part of the picture.

REAL LIFE SOLUTION:
Common wisdom has it that many women prefer at least 20 minutes of kissing and erotic play before a penis becomes involved. Also, read the
Guide To Getting It On.