The Guide to Getting It On (66 page)

Even if the woman’s rape fantasy involves her being degraded, humiliated, or left bruised and bloodied by an anonymous aggressor or gang of men intent to do her harm, her fantasy doesn’t make her fear men in real life like an actual rape often does. It doesn’t make her afraid to go out of doors. Even if her fantasy is a way of processing something overwhelming or abusive from her past, we would never suggest she walk alone at night in dangerous places to get an even better handle on the psychology of it.

No doubt, there are cultural, religious and perhaps biological reasons for why so many women have sexual fantasies where they are “taken” by a man instead of being the taker. But there are significant differences between that and the realities of an actual rape. Women needn’t feel guilty or ashamed of their “rape” fantasies, because they aren’t really fantasies of rape. The term pseudo- or pretend-rape fantasy is more accurate.

Men’s vs. Women’s Sex Fantasies

Young girls in our society are raised on fashion magazines that highlight gorgeous female models—gorgeous if you don’t take into account how many meals these women barf up to stay slim and how much silicone they have surgically packed into their chests. As girls look through these magazines, they often think about other women’s bodies, particularly the ideal woman whom they hope to someday become. Boys, on the other hand, often grow up fantasizing about doing things; for instance, being firemen, sports heroes, musicians, stuntmen and eventually stud lovers. It seems our society wants its girls to be admired for how they look, and its boys for how they perform.

Psychologist Karen Shanor believes that when women see an erect penis in their fantasies, they often relish it as a sign that the man finds them irresistible, as opposed to being in awe of the penis itself. Shanor speculates that many young women learn to include men in their fantasies as an afterthought, with the fantasized male being little more than a woman retrofitted with a penis. Perhaps this is one reason why teenage girls so often fawn over totally androgynous male rock‘n’roll singers, not that older women don’t as well. (Teenage boys tend to look androgynous before puberty, so maybe the teen-girls’ fantasies are right where they need to be in an age-appropriate sense.)

When a woman walks into a formal affair like a prom, the first thing she often notices is how the other women look and how she feels in comparison. The first thing a man notices is often the same thing: how the other women look. Men usually aren’t concerned with how the other men look, unless they are actors or gay.

As focused as women sometimes are on other women, Shanor’s theory does have its limitations. It doesn’t explain why some women clearly prefer the sexual touch and feel of a man’s body over that of a woman. It doesn’t explain why a lot of women enjoy the way a penis feels when it’s inside of their bodies, or why they might find a male’s butt or shoulders to be sexy.

Your Lover’s Sex Fantasies

Every once in a while, one partner will tell the other about his or her private sex fantasy. Stranger things have happened. But don’t expect to see the fantasy plastered on a billboard surrounded by neon lights. Most of us are a little embarrassed by our sexual fantasies, sometimes with good reason. As a result, we don’t reveal our fantasies in a way that’s particularly direct, nor should we.

You Only Get One Chance

Let’s say you are a guy and your sweetheart casually or jokingly makes an off-the-cuff statement that she likes seeing guys in jock straps. Boom, ball’s in your court. Now, if you have half a brain, and not many of us do, you won’t laugh and tell her how much better you feel in boxers than wearing some old athletic supporter. Instead, you will consider buying about a dozen or so new jocks, maybe in colors, maybe one with a cup, what the heck. So there you are later that night, your sweetheart’s warm familiar fingers are slowly popping the buttons on your blue jeans and bingo—she discovers that you are wearing a jock underneath! Before you know it, she’s in sexual orbit and you are the happiest jock on your block! Or she might discover that her fantasy was best when it was only imagined and that it feels silly or degrading, or loses its erotic edge when acted out in reality.

To Share or Not To Share?

People occasionally have sexual fantasies about someone other than their partner. Sometimes it is prudent not to share these fantasies, e.g., “The reason I got so hot is because I pretended you were Mike.” Other times your partner might find these fantasies very arousing.

While it’s great that you and your partner might be open to hearing each other’s fantasies, this doesn’t mean that you need to act them out. When one partner has a jones to do something that the other finds loathsome, you might try working out a compromise. It’s likely there are plenty of videos depicting whichever fantasies are currently oozing from the darkest recesses of your sexual mind. Why not rent or download one and test drive it as a masturbation aid? There may be other times when acting out your sex fantasies with a partner can be great fun.

Responsibility

Knowledge of your partner’s fantasies is a trust that remains with you for life. This trust holds true even if you break up and otherwise find yourselves hating each other. No one forced you to be in a relationship with the person, so don’t go blabbing personal stuff just to be hurtful. In the long run, it reflects badly upon you.

To put it another way, people who gossip about a current or former partner’s sexuality are both shallow and deceitful. The laws of karma will someday haunt them, assuming there are laws of karma.

Readers’ Comments

“At work I daydream a lot about sex and what it would be like with certain people that I am especially attracted to. Since I am about to get married, I sometimes feel bad thinking of others, but as long as you don’t act on it, you’re pretty much okay.”
female age 30

“As a working mother, I get sex and orgasms, but I rarely get romance, so that is what I fantasize about.”
female age 36

“My sexual fantasies always involve my current real life lover. We’re making romantic love somewhere that is new to us, a beach, forest, remote island, in front of a fire in a cabin.”
female age 34

“I probably have similar fantasies to anyone who watches the Sci Fi channel too much.”
male age 30

“My fantasies don’t play a huge part in my life, except that I get confused why I have fantasies about other girls when I love penises and my boyfriend very much.”
female age 23

“I had always fantasized about my girlfriend being totally naked with her legs spread apart when I came into the room. One day she actually did this! It was awesome!”
male age 21

“I don’t have any clearly defined fantasy. They are more fleeting feelings and don’t affect my life much.”
female age 38

“My husband and I have been married for 10 years and still love to act out our fantasies. Last month he was a customs agent and I was trying to sneak something across the border. After he completely searched me, I had to bribe him with sexual favors until he let me go. Later, I was a physician and he the reluctant patient. Acting out your fantasies can be great fun, and it keeps your sex life young!”
female age 33

“I’d love to see my girlfriend get it on with another woman and I know it would be a turn-on to see her get it on with another guy, but I don’t know if I could keep from getting jealous.”
male age 39

Have you ever had homosexual fantasies?

“I used to fantasize about women all of the time. Finally, I decided to give it a try and had sex with one of my best female friends, who is mostly heterosexual. It was fun and every now and then we play with one another. I have never developed an emotional attachment to her or any other woman, and I no longer fantasize about women.”
female age 26

“I fantasize about being with another woman often, but I also fantasize about my boyfriend and Brad Pitt!”
female age 25

“I am aroused by images of women with women; also by stories of multiple partners. On occasion, I use these fantasies to help me reach orgasm.”
female age 32

“I’ve had no fantasies or gay experiences, although I wonder sometimes if I could get turned on by another guy.”
male age 30

“Gay fantasies? I’ve never even considered being gay. I’m not gay. I swear it.”
male age 22

Recommended Resources

The Ultimate Guide To Sexual Fantasy–How To Turn Your Fantasies into Reality
by Violet Blue, Cleis Press.

Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head—The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies
by Brett Kahr, Basic Books.

CHAPTER

29

The Fairy Pornmother

T
hank heaven for Viagra! What a wonderful vitamin. My actors couldn’t keep up without it. Have you taken yours today?

I’m sure you’ve got talent, but you can put it back in your pants. I’m not here to audition. The author of the
Guide To Getting It On
asked me to stop by to have a little talk. He’s not one of those anti-porn fanatics who thinks that porn is worse than warts on your anus. So I agreed to offer some perspective from an insider’s POV.

For starters, nobody in Pornland ever dreamed so many people would take porn seriously. I mean, look at my titties! Look at my waist! My lips are purrrrfect! How many women really look like me?

And nobody in Pornland ever thought porn would be used as sex education. Although given the lack of alternatives when it comes to sex education, I do get it. Porn may be over the top, but at least it doesn’t try to make you feel bad for wanting to do what every cell in your body is telling you to do.