The Guide to Getting It On (31 page)

Zen Boot Camp — Learning Her Style

“It’s not a dish of salted peanuts down there, don’t just grab and hope for the best. It’s very sensitive. Even the slightest movement can produce a reaction, good or bad.”
female age 45

OK, so you’re going to learn how to masturbate her in the same way she masturbates herself. Grab a boddice-ripper novel with one hand, and have a big bowl of popcorn or chips close by. That’s how some women do it sometimes. Read a few pages, rub a little clit, read a few pages... And if she doesn’t masturbate, maybe you’ll want to learn the fine art together.

When a woman masturbates, she often rests her wrist on her lower abdomen just above the pubic bone. Try to do the same, since it will influence the way your fingers feel on her vulva.

Lie next to her and reach your arm over her body until your fingers are touching her crotch. This allows your fingers to approach her vulva in the same way that her own fingers do. Or try sitting like the couple in the illustration above. Don’t try to “masturbate” her while sitting between her legs and facing her vulva. This is a great position to use for the kind of genital massage that’s discussed later, but it’s not particularly effective if you are trying to imitate the way she touches herself. Here are some observations and tips for learning how to do a woman the way she does herself.

• Dry fingers on a dry clitoris do not make for the best of times. Don’t start touching a woman’s vulva near the tip of her clitoris. Try to bring lubrication up from bottom part of her vaginal opening, where the lips make a “U.” Try dragging the fluid up your fingertips, or use saliva or lube. This assumes that you have spent the time and effort to arouse her in the first place.
  
• Ask if your partner uses extra lubrication when she masturbates, such as saliva, baby oil, Vaseline, coconut oil, KY, or Liquid Silk. If she’s Italian or Greek, she might even use olive oil. Never be shy about using extra lubrication, especially if you’ll be at it for long periods of time.
  
• When men try to masturbate women, they often use all finger and no wrist. When a woman does herself she might incorporate her wrist into the motion, even if only one finger is actually touching her vulva. This can be a subtle but significant detail, and it requires practice. (If you think your tongue wants to fall off during oral sex, wait until you try to do that wrist-finger thing for 20 minutes. There are reasons why women use vibrators.)
  
• Find out if your sweetheart has a favorite side of her clitoris or labia that she likes to stimulate. Be sure to follow her lead.
  

• Some women will want you to pull back the hood of the clitoris. This will allow for much higher levels of stimulation. But if you do it before she’s sufficiently aroused, or if she’s got a super-sensitive clit, this can be a finger-fucking felony.
  
• An excellent way to learn more about pleasing your partner is to rest your fingers over hers while she is masturbating. Then do the reverse, with her placing her fingers on top of yours, acting as guides. A woman shouldn’t hesitate to take a man’s fingers and put them exactly on those parts of her body where she likes to be touched. Most men will appreciate the assist, and after about the 500th time, they will probably remember how to do it in just the right way.
  
• Another advantage of having your arm resting across your partner’s body is that it allows you to feel how her body is responding. This is important, because as a woman becomes more aroused she may need you to stimulate her in a different way. Or it might be a cue to keep stimulating her in exactly the same way. Being able to read her body’s signals is essential.
  
• When they masturbate, some women direct the stimulation to just one spot. Others might stimulate themselves in a more global way, tugging and pulling on the surface of the entire vulva. Plenty of women use a circular motion to rotate the entire vulva, while others move their finger side-to-side across the clitoris, or up and down like when plucking at a guitar string. If you live long enough, you might figure out exactly how to do it. She, of course, will assume it’s all very simple and has no idea why you don’t get it.
  
• Novelty is not good. Try to achieve a steady tempo and rhythm with your fingers. That way if she says “faster” or “slower,” you’ll have a point of reference to work from. While one woman might want you to maintain the same rhythm and hand motion from start to stop, another might need an array of sensations because she quickly habituates to the same finger motion and it loses its effect.
  
• Ask if your partner puts something inside of her vagina when she masturbates. And some women like something in or on their anus. You’re trying to duplicate everything she does, and it’s not going to work if she forgets to tell you about that little vibrating butt plug that she can’t get off without.
  
• Try to use the fingers on your writing hand for working her clit, unless they are cramping and approaching paralysis. Finessing a clitoris usually requires a fair amount of fine motor skill.
  

It’s Time for Genital Massage

Giving a woman the kind of genital massage that is described in the pages that follow differs from trying to “get her off by hand” in a number of ways. You will be working her into a high level of sensation and then trying to keep her there. By using specific finger movements on her clitoris, you might be able to help her stay near the peak for several minutes or more. But this will require finding the right spots around her clitoris to keep your fingertips on.

The Vulva: XBox for Grown-Ups?

Aside from the satisfaction of being able to truly delight your partner, you might be able to see her genitals open up, puff up, brighten, contract and pulse. In addition to the visual feedback, you’ll be receiving sensory feedback from the tip of your finger that’s on her clit. Eventually, you might be able to tell from the feeling in your finger where it’s best to be. Sometimes you can help her reach different levels of sensation as you change the length of your finger’s stroke by just a hair, or by changing the speed, or pressure.

Getting Started with Genital Massage

The woman should be lying on her back. Her partner sits between her legs, facing her with her vulva in front of him, or he sits to one side of her, with one of her open legs across his lap. The point is for him to have good access to her vulva with both hands, and to have a good view so he can see the changes that are occurring in her vulva as she becomes more aroused.

You might start by caressing her inner thighs to help her relax and to build excitement. This seems like a contradiction, but the more relaxed a woman feels, the more sexually excited her body can become
.

This is a good time to start talking to each other, because you will need a lot of that in order to learn where and how to touch. This simply won’t work without the woman’s input. Likewise, you will want to tell her exactly what you are going to do before you do it. So now is the time to tell her you are about to grease her groin—ah, put on the lube. Yes, lube—gobs of lube.

No matter how wet your partner is or gets, use and reuse lots of lube. The clit-massaging aficionados from
The Welcomed Consensus
who are referenced at the end of the chapter still recommend old-fashioned KY in the tube, and/or Vaseline on the clit itself. They haven’t found anything better.

Put at least a tablespoon or two of lube on your fingers and start at her perineum. This is the area between her vulva and bum hole. Pull your fingers and the glob of lube up from there, through her labia, all the way up into the pubic hair area on her mons pubis. Relube and do this again. It’s fine to not directly touch her clit just yet. Avoiding it can be part of the build-up.

Make sure she tells you how the lube feels as you are applying it. She should especially tell you about anything you are doing that feels good.

Clit Clocks—Finding Her Mark

Close your eyes and imagine a clock—the old-fashioned type that has a big hand, a little hand, and maybe even a cuckoo bird at the top. Mentally superimpose the clock over the tip of her clitoris. This will give you a map for how to find any special spot or spots, potential clitoral control centers.

Also, look at her entire vulva. Look at how the inner lips are sitting, their color, and observe the opening of her vagina. The landscape of her vulva will be changing as you find the right spots to massage. Visual cues will be both helpful and kind of amazing. People think nothing of a penis swelling when it is aroused, but we seldom think of a woman’s vulva as changing. (Why not take before and after pictures? At least she won’t have to worry about her hair or what she’s wearing.)

Next, put a glob of lube on the tip of your index finger. Tell her you are going to lube her clit. Depending on your inclination and her anatomy, you might pull the hood on her clit back with the fingers of your other hand or you might simply push into the space between the hood and the glans. Gently circle the glans of her clit with the lube. Ask her to tell you what it feels like. Ask if she wants you to push harder or more lightly. Try gently rubbing each spot and see if it does anything for her. Make sure you notice what her clit feels like on your fingertip. How does it respond when you touch the spot? How does the rest of her vulva respond? This might sound strange, but does it make her anus contract? Observe as much as you can.

Her Johnny-on-the Puss Reporter

What you are trying to do is to find spots that generate nice feelings when you stroke your fingertip across them. For instance, you might try a linear motion, as if you are flicking a tiny light switch on and off. If you find any spots that she says feel good, experiment with the pressure and the length of the “on-off” motion.

Look at the rest of her vulva while you are doing this and describe for her what you are seeing. Have the inner lips gotten darker, fuller or brighter? Is the opening of her vagina getting wider or rounder? Has it started to open up? Are things contracting down there? She can’t see what you can, so be sure to tell her if she would like to know.

Fist or Thumb on the Lower Part of Her Vaginal Opening

To help ground your lover’s vulva, you might try pushing the thumb or the palm of your other hand against the lower part of her vaginal opening or on her perineum (see illustration that follows). This helps some women to feel a sense of solidness or comfort. Remember, you are providing comforting pressure to the outside of her genitals. You are not the little Dutch Boy sticking his finger in a dyke.