The Guide to Getting It On (35 page)

Finally, Ms. Spadola quotes a woman who has had sex with both men and women: “The men didn’t seem to grasp that twisting them like radio dials does not work. They treated my breasts as something separate from my body. Women seem to know instinctively what to do with breasts. Women sense that there are times when you want your breasts to be touched, and times you don’t. It didn’t seem to occur to the men I was with that there might be mental and cultural baggage wrapped up there.”

A Suggestion for Female Readers

Even if your guy has a big hairy chest, tell him you are going to touch and kiss his “breasts” the same way you like to have yours kissed, and then do it. If there are times when you like it to be gentle, tell him, “This is what I like when I say
gentle.
” If there are times when you like it extra-rough, grab a pair of vice grips, and let him know what you mean when you say
rough.
If you like your nipples tugged, show him exactly how and for how long. And please, don’t get all bent out of shape if he requires refresher lessons. The learning process is not nearly as straightforward as you might think.

Techniques for Happy Breasts

There is no “one-size-fits-all” bra, and there are no sets of breast-stimulation tips and techniques that will work for everyone. Here are a few to pick and choose from. Please be aware that many of these techniques focus on the nipples. If this doesn’t work for your partner, find out what parts of her neck and chest do bring her pleasure when you kiss and caress them.

• Size vs. Performance:
  As with a clitoris or penis, the sensitivity of a breast has nothing to do with its size. Small ones can be like lightning rods, while big ones might not be sensitive at all.
  
• Making the Nipple Taut:
  Place your fingers on each side of the nipple, not quite touching the nipple but around the perimeter of it. Push down lightly and slide your fingers apart. This will make the nipple taut. Some people find that taut nipples are more sensitive.
  
• In and Out:
  Pucker up your lips and use them to make a gasket around the nipple. Then suck in and out without breaking the seal—so the nipple feels alternating currents of vacuum and pressure. This method is described in more detail in Ray Stubbs’s book
  The Clitoral Kiss.
  It also works well on earlobes and the clitoris. However, if you are sucking earlobes in this way, be sure that earrings are removed first. As for jewelry in the nipples or clitoris, be sure to discuss suction limits with their owner lest one of their favorite good loops or bars ends up in the bottom of your stomach.
  

• Five-Finger Breast Grab:
  This works best if the breast and your hand are lubricated with massage oil. Rest the palm of your hand over the breast with your fingertips around its circumference. As you lift your hand, let your fingertips caress their way up the sides of the breasts until they are clasping the tip of the nipple. Pull on the nipple just a little or a lot, depending on what your partner likes and her level of arousal.
  
• Nipple Between Your Index & Middle Fingers:
  The ability to do this will depend upon the size and shape of the nipple. Cup your hand over the breast in such a way that the tip of the nipple rests in the space between your middle finger and index (or other) finger. Squeeze the fingers together so that when you lift your hand the nipple follows, pulling the rest of the breast up with it.
  
• Nipple and Penis:
  Some women find it highly arousing when a man caresses their nipples with the head of his penis or by pulling his foreskin up around the nipple. If he pulls apart the opening of his penis, he can sometimes stick the tip of an erect nipple into it.
  
• The Whole Enchilada Women:
  Find out if your partner wants you to lick or suck on the entire breast and not just the nipple, and remember to alternate breasts every once in a while.
  
• Hand and Mouth:
  Chances are, your partner has two breasts, and you have only one mouth. Perhaps she might like it if your fingers are caressing one breast while your lips are tending to the other, or perhaps she would prefer your hand to be caressing some other part of her body. Ask.
  
• Variations in Sensitivity & Menstrual Effects:
  Sometimes one breast or nipple is more sensitive than the other. Find out if your partner would like you to spend more time on the sensitive side. Also, breast sensitivity can change with a woman’s monthly cycle or if she’s taking the pill.
  
• Different Temperatures:
  An ice cube in the mouth can be a rousing way to greet a partner’s breasts. Or for nipples that are already cold, drinking something warm just before licking or sucking them can feel quite exquisite.
  
• Playful Plate:
  Fruit salad, all kinds of fruits, dessert foods, and certain liquors can be served on chests, abdomens, backs, and other body parts with extremely pleasing results. Do what you can to keep sugars out of the vagina.
  
• Getting to Watch:
  Some people find it highly erotic to watch while a partner plays with her (or his) own nipples and breasts. So if you enjoy playing with your own nipples, there’s no point in keeping it a secret.
  

Hard-Nipple Alert

Let’s say you are playing with your partner’s nipples and they get hard. Is this a good sign? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Until you learn more about your partner’s body, don’t assume that hard nipples mean happy nipples. Nipples can get hard from unpleasant stimuli such as roughness, abrasion, and cold—so be sure to ask your partner if he or she likes what you are doing. Also be aware that what a person wants in terms of nipple play can vary with their state of sexual arousal.

Dads and Their Daughters’ Growing Breasts

Growing breasts come between some dads and their teenage daughters. For instance, some of a daughter’s fondest childhood memories can be of wrestling and rough-housing with her dad. But suddenly, it all stops when her chest develops, and he becomes uncomfortable. Hopefully, dads will understand the huge loss to their daughters. They can gradually transform the physical closeness into involvement of other ways—with everything from playing catch to taking their daughter some place special each week like a museum or out to lunch. The important thing is to maintain the intimacy which is so important to most daughters and dads while moving the physical relationship into something that’s more age-appropriate.

Readers’ Comments

“Kissing my breast depends upon my mood. Sometimes I like being touched gently with fingertips and then gentle circles of a tongue followed by a very light sucking on the nipples.”
female age 27

“Most of the sensitivity is in the nipple, but there are good feelings from having the whole breast caressed and sucked. Swirling your tongue around the nipple is good. Sucking the nipple is great! Biting the nipple is a MAJOR no-no.”
female age 34

“Depending on how aroused I am, I like to be sucked hard and even gently bitten on the nipple.”
female age 45

“There doesn’t seem to be any logical pattern or reason behind it, but sometimes even touching the breast area can hurt. Other times, pretty much anything is okay.”
female age 32

“I had to have a breast biopsy last year for a lump. I had not thought of my breasts as pretty before. They have always seemed too small compared to what all the boys were paying attention to. With a gain in self-esteem and self-respect and with the help of my current boyfriend, I’ve found that I really do think of my breasts in a whole new way, especially after going through the experience of surgery. My lump was benign, but it made me think about myself in a new way and what I really have to appreciate.”
female age 20

Dear Paul,

My boyfriend wants me to lactate for him. I am not pregnant nor have I ever been and I don’t know how to lactate. I don’t know if it’s safe or if it is going to turn me into a hormonal wreck. If you have any advice or know any books I would be really grateful. —Madonna in Montana

Dear Madonna,

For starters, what you are asking about is different from the breast play that couples often enjoy during lovemaking. You are talking about a situation where your breasts would be lactating and your boyfriend would be nursing on them two to four times a day, seven days a week. If he missed a nursing, you would need to pump or express the milk from your breasts. This wouldn’t be a problem if you were also donating breast milk to infants. This is actually becoming a cottage industry in America.

Adult couples who nurse refer to it as an “Adult Nursing Relationship.” It usually begins after the woman has had a baby. The father may have started nursing alongside junior, or maybe mom encouraged him to take over once the baby was weaned. There are adult couples who keep nursing for years. Junior could be graduating from high school, and dad might still be sucking milk from mom’s breasts.

The notion of having to nurse so often might cause even the most eager of couples to abandon the concept. However, couples who continue this kind of nursing seem to cherish the added closeness and shared dependency. Not only is one partner dependent on the other for milk, but she is dependent on him to relieve her swollen mammaries. In fact, the woman’s milk will often let down at the sight or sound of her partner’s presence, just as a nursing mother’s breasts will let down when she sees or hears her hungry infant cry.

There are two ways that someone who hasn’t been pregnant can try to jump-start her non-nursing breasts. These methods have been pioneered by adoptive moms who are trying to breast feed their adopted infants. One method involves the use of drugs to trick your body into thinking you were pregnant and have given birth. The other involves seriously intense sucking on the part of your boyfriend, several times a day for several weeks. Even then there is no guarantee he’ll be sporting a milk mustache when all is done.

If this did work, your breasts would probably get bigger, so you would need to get new bras and blouses. As for the potential of getting stretch marks, I don’t think it would be any different than with mothers who nurse infants.

Also, you would need to supplement your intake of calories and calcium just as a nursing mother does. Otherwise, your body might start robbing your bones of the extra calcium that your breasts need to produce milk. And if your boyfriend didn’t cut calories in other ways, he’d probably start to get fat. As for the safety and impact of all this on your body—women have been nursing babies since the beginning of time, but does that have the same impact on your body as what you would be doing? I honestly don’t know of any studies.

CHAPTER

17

Balls, Balls, Balls