The Guide to Getting It On (69 page)

CHAPTER

31

Casual Sex

“
Some of the best sex I ever had was with an unexpectedly talented stranger, and some of the most awkward sex I’ve ever had was with a boy I’d known for years and loved. Go figure.”
female age 21

There are at least two different kinds of sex — sex in an established relationship and casual sex. Casual sex can range from an alcohol-aided one-night stand with a stranger to sex with someone you know but don’t want to have an exclusive relationship with.

This chapter is about casual sex, which is a vast subject that defies the armchair analysis that’s been so popular in books and magazines. Six themes emerge in this chapter: the different types of casual sex, changes in dating and how we define peer groups, how the fingerprints of technology are all over your pants, the evolving sex roles of women, the omnipresent vapor of alcohol, and everything else. Early-morning thoughts such as “Who is this woman?” “What bed am I in?” and “Where are my panties?” are often par for the casual-sex course.

Is casual sex something you should try? Realize that the following words of advice are coming from one of the more liberal books on the planet as opposed to an abstinence-only rant:

Some people are comfortable with casual sex, others aren’t. What works for your friends might not work for you. If you decide to try casual sex, go slowly. Find what’s best for you. Also, the luck of the draw can be a big factor in casual sex, both good and bad.

NSA vs. FWB

Two very different forms of casual sex are sex with No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits. Sex with no strings attached is as casual as casual sex gets. It often involves sex with a total stranger who you might have only met in the last hour. Or you may have been on each other’s radar for weeks or months before opportunity knocked. NSA sex might be a one-night stand, or it may have its own jagged lifeline. The triggers can be many, but alcohol is often involved.

As for friends with benefits, there’s a reason why it starts with the word “friends.” It’s usually with someone you know and it usually happens more than once. There’s plenty of wiggle room when it comes to defining friends with benefits (aka “booty call” or “fuck buddy”).

FWBs can just be for sex or it can include hanging out. It can be with an acquaintance who is maybe a Facebook friend but not someone you’d call when you need a real friend. It can also be with a good friend, which doesn’t always end up as bad as you might think. There are situations where friends have sex and then stay friends after they stop having sex. There’s no way to know how it’s going to turn out ahead of time.

FWB can also be defined by a trail of semen leading to your door and nothing more:

“When I was involved in my hook-up relationship I would never call him up for a sober booty call. It was always when I was drunk and wanted sex. That is also how I knew there was no emotional attachment because I wasn’t even interested in hanging out with the guy unless I had been drinking. He wasn’t really my type. We didn’t have much in common other than the sex.”
female age 23

“He was a football player and wasn’t someone I wanted to be in a relationship with. We didn’t have a lot in common besides the sex. Most people didn’t even know we were hooking up.”
female age 22

Another form of casual sex is sex with an ex. If you are drowning in loneliness you might call an ex for sex. Or maybe you’re both at a place where you realize the best thing about your relationship was the sex, so why not go for it? Hopefully you are aware there are as many potential pitfalls in having sex with an ex as there are chapters in this book.

In short, friends-with-benefits sex can take on as many different forms as there are people who want to have it.

One of the things researchers do know is that people who are in FWBs seldom talk about their expectations. They don’t talk with each other about their relationship, which is still a relationship of sorts even if it’s not filled with “I love yous.” These FWB relationships more or less happen without much discussion. They get their own rhythm, and that’s that.

Motivations for Having Casual Sex

Casual sex can be limited to making out for an hour, or it can include intercourse, and sometimes oral or anal sex. It’s about wanting more than you can get when you stay home and masturbate, but not always a lot more. And it’s more about excitement than emotional depth.

For men, there appears to be a few motivators. The penis tends to enjoy the feel of a warm and wet vagina, and there might be the joy of sexual conquest. Or it could be that men get lonely and they need to be held and touched. But it’s not always easy for a man to admit this, even to himself. Casual sex is a way for this vital contact to happen without a man feeling too vulnerable or trapped.

What are women’s motivations? Casual sex can forestall worries about being trapped in a lifeless or suffocating relationship. It can provide validation that a woman is sexually desirable, which can increase her self esteem. It can give women something to talk about with other women. And it’s healthy and normal for a woman to want to know what different guys are like in bed—a curiosity that few women have been allowed free rein to explore until now. There might also be the occasional cross purposes, like having sex with a rival’s boyfriend or rubbing it in an ex’s face. But that’s been a part of sex since the beginning of time.

Regret?

Researchers are starting to ask people if they regret their random or casual sex. If the sex was good or the person had fun, there are few regrets. Otherwise, it’s not unusual to have regrets, especially if the expectations were high. Men can have regret as well as women, and there is frequently regret over not using condoms.

What researchers haven’t asked people in these studies is if they have felt regret over any of their long term relationships. You do the math: one night of regret vs. months or years of regret. Regret over a one-night stand might be miniscule when compared to the regret about an unfortunate marriage. One might be an occasional nagging thought, while the other could be all consuming or the cause of a major depression.

Women’s Satisfaction in Casual Sex–Cinderella Reconsidered

“If you go into it knowing that it is just going to be a one-night stand then it is satisfying. If there was supposed to be more and it ends up without anything else, then it is disappointing.”
female age 22

Women give men way more orgasms than they receive during one-night stands and casual sex. Yet almost as many women as men report being satisfied with sex during one night stands. How can this be?

Perhaps we define sexual satisfaction differently for a casual one-night stand than we do in a more traditional relationship. The newness, excitement and risk of casual sex might make it feel better. Perhaps not having to invest as much effort or not worrying about what your partner thinks are big pluses. Alcohol can also make us remember a situation in a better light, and alcohol is often the lube that allows casual sex to occur.

Or maybe women have a more expansive definition of sexual satisfaction that reaches beyond the number of orgasms. Perhaps they are able to enjoy an imperfect quickie with an attractive stranger as much as having candle-lit sex with an adoring lover who wants to snuggle.

The increasing popularity of casual sex is forcing us to reconsider our beliefs about women’s take on sex and love. Maybe all Cinderella wanted from the Prince was a good fuck. Or maybe she wanted him as a friend and lover, minus the castle, crown and demand to squeeze out a royal heir. When it comes to stories about love and sex, there are way more possible endings for women today than there were years ago. But the following account is not unusual either:

“The hook-up guy never, ever asked me how it was for me. He always quit after he finished and there was rarely foreplay. You could tell it was strictly sex. My boyfriend always asks how it was for me; he is always worried that he is not doing it good enough.”
female age 21

Gender Roles Keep Evolving

A 1950s conversation between a mom and her daughter who is a college senior:

Daughter:
“Mom, it’s awful. I’m really trying, but I can’t find a guy.”

Mom:
“Don’t worry dear. Stay calm and focused. Men like women who have a good head on their shoulders. Your aunt just told me about a new bra that adds an entire cup size without looking fake. I’ll get you one and have it in the mail by Friday.”

A conversation today between a mom and her daughter who is a college senior:

Daughter:
“Mom, Andrew and I have decided to get married!”

Mom:
“But what about graduate school?”

For years, young women were supposed to keep their legs together until certain conditions were met, consisting of a relationship that was fully cemented. The words “engagement” or an engagement ring often had to be part of the deal before a guy got more than a handjob. It was her reputation vs. his wad.

Then, after the 1960s, parents started telling their daughters they could be anything they want to be. Girls were raised playing sports and were warned about burdening themselves too soon with kids and marriage. Magazines like
Cosmo
trumpeted the fact that girls get just as horny as guys. No other generation of women has been told so clearly that they should be proactive rather than passive when it comes to sexual pleasure.

So we’ve taken away the old rules about relationships and marriage and we’ve raised girls with the belief that they can do anything boys can. As a result, women are just as likely to dive into a man’s pants as he is into theirs. If a relationship happens, it happens, but the fact that a relationship is not part of the mix can make casual sex appealing to a lot of women as well as men. If anyone ends up being jealous or hurt, it’s just as likely to be the guy.

The Double Standard — Without Sluts, There Would Be No Studs

“How many are too many? How much is too much? How assertive is too assertive? What is experimental vs. promiscuous? All of these questions are always there in the back of women’s heads, and I don’t think a lot of men realize that, or maybe they do and just don’t care.”
female age 22

“The double standard still exists. If a guy sleeps with a lot of girls then all his friends think he’s a player, but if a girl sleeps with too many guys she’s a whore and no one wants to be her friend. I think girls have a lot more freedom sexually, but that doesn’t mean the times have changed enough to have the girl start making every first move. I am kind of weird on this topic; I would never sleep with a guy who’s had an outrageous number of women, but I also would not sleep with a guy who hasn’t ever been with someone, not because of how they would be in bed but I just don’t want to be someone’s first because then they have to remember me forever.”
female age 23