The Guide to Getting It On (71 page)

While much of the media coverage of casual sex ends with poignant accounts of how empty it can be and how hurt at least one of the partners ends up, that’s not what the women who took our survey focused on.

“When you are not in a relationship and you want sex, you have casual sex. At times it can be satisfying sexually, but not emotionally. To have just casual sex you need to be able to separate the emotions. When I was involved in casual sex it was with the same guy, but there were no attachments. If one of us hooked up with someone else then the arrangement would be over. Now that I am in a committed relationship, I think that the sex with someone you know and are emotionally invested in is so much better. Knowing the person cares about you makes sex a lot more worthwhile.”
female age 22

Almost all of the women said that alcohol was their gasoline for hooking-up sex, but they didn’t seem particularly concerned about it.

“I definitely think random hook-ups have more to do with alcohol than what is believed in the media.”
female age 22

“Alcohol plays a big role in hooking up. Many (including myself) have used the excuse ‘I was drunk.’ It’s almost like a free pass.”
female age 22

“Alcohol is a huge influence on casual sex, especially for girls! I don’t think I would ever hook up with a guy I didn’t know unless I have the comfort of saying I was drunk at the time so I had an excuse in the morning.”
female age 21

“When I drink I want sex, so I knew I could get it from him. Drinking just makes sex more interesting to me because I am more open to trying things, and I am not worried about what I look like or how I am doing. I am more worried about my receiving sexual pleasure than anything else.”
female age 22

“You may think this person was attractive when drunk, but when you wake up the next morning and see him, you are like ‘Whoa... I’m out of here.’”
female age 23

“I see casual sex more when alcohol or substances are being used, especially in college. People don’t think about what they are doing until the next morning when guilt settles in. I know this because, unfortunately it has happened to me and a lot of my friends.”
female age 23

“Alcohol is more of an excuse than a reason sex happens. When I drink I act on my sexual needs more than when I am sober.”
female age 22

“Alcohol has a huge impact on my sexual activities. If I drink enough I have no moral rules with myself anymore. The next day I can wake up and make it okay by just saying, ‘I was drunk.’”
female age 21

“Alcohol is a big part of my life as a college student. I know it sounds like a crutch, but on the weekends, everyone I know is drinking.”
female age 21

If these same women had heard about someone who needed to drink before she went to work each day, most would say she had a really bad job, it was too stressful, or her boss must be evil. They would tell her to quit and find another job or maybe see a therapist. But when it comes to casual sex, getting drunk allows women to act more like men. It’s a testosterone patch in a can.

When we asked the women if they needed to hammer down a few Stolis before having sex with a boyfriend as opposed to someone they were hooking up with, you could hear the “Hell no!” loud and clear.

Casual Sex and Birth Control

Another college instructor from a rural area who uses
The Guide
in her sex-ed course sent in the following regarding her students:

“I’m concerned about some of our students using morning-after pills and abortions for birth control. They often hook up with guys and have unprotected sex. Their doctors prescribe them three months’ worth of morning-after pills. Some of the young women use the pills as many as three times in a month. I am not certain what impact this type of use may have on their bodies. Additionally, some of the girls admitted to psychological challenges following abortions.”

It’s one thing to blame what you did last night on alcohol, but it’s quite another to be having sex without a sound birth-control strategy in place. Please read Chapter 58:
Birth Control, Sperm vs. Egg
carefully. Also, emergency contraception is not meant to be used as regular birth control. But it can be taken several times a month without causing worrisome side effects for most women.

Men should be aware that the day when a man could easily skate out on paying child support is long gone. Paternity is not a difficult thing to prove with a simple DNA test.
Hopefully, today’s women who are having casual sex know to get the information of the men they are having sex with, in case they become pregnant and need the dad’s help, or if he turns out to be a serial killer and the police are trying to find him. Having a record of his FB page or Twitter handle are important.

Blow Jobs vs. Intercourse

Two of the last things you want from casual sex are unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. So keep in mind is that it’s impossible to become pregnant from giving a guy oral sex and your chances of getting a sexually transmitted infection are much lower than when you are having intercourse. Blow jobs and hand jobs should be considered as effective options for birth control and STI prevention if intercourse appears imminent and traditional methods of birth control are not available. Note: The recent media hysteria about oral sex and oral cancer has been filled with misinformation. A woman’s chances of being killed in a car accident are more than a million times greater than her chances of getting oral cancer from giving a guy a blow job before she’s 60. She should be much more concerned about pregnancy and STIs from intercourse. See Chapter 53:
Gnarly Sex Germs
for more information.

Random Facts about Casual Sex

Oral Sex:
Guys seldom go down on women during one-night stands. A woman is more likely to receive oral sex in a friends-with-benefits arrangement where her sexual pleasure is one of the motivators.

Was it consensual or forced?
This is a very real concern for young women in casual sex situations, especially the Last-Virgin-Standing types who go to parties where there’s a punch bowl full of “jungle juice.”

Orgasms:
not all men have orgasms during casual sex. The estimate is 80% of men have orgasms, while 20% of women might have orgasms. However, the women’s orgasms count can go way up in a friends-with-benefits situation.

Cuddling:
In spite of what you’ve heard, plenty of men and women want physical tenderness in casual sex that’s more than just intercourse or oral sex. So men and women aren’t always running out the door as soon as a the last drop of semen hits the sheets.

Condoms:
Using condoms not only helps prevent pregnancy and decreases your chances of getting most sexually transmitted infections, but it helps decrease morning-after regret.

More Responses From Our Female Survey Takers

“For me casual sex can be uncomfortable or awkward. You don’t know what to expect or what they expect. There is some excitement, but there is excitement in a relationship. You know what the person likes, what they are willing to try, and their comfort level.”

“I know people that were friends with their significant other and then started having sex. I also know people who have sex and then a relationship happens. I have tried both. I can’t tell you which one is better. They both worked for me. I think it depends on the chemistry and how the two of you are.”

“Hook-up sex cannot be with a guy you are wanting a relationship with. It has to be just for the sex.”

“I still see relationships as a goal, but if you aren’t near to finding someone to meet your goal, why not have fun until then?”

“I think that guys look at girls who sleep with them early in the relationship as slutty. If you sleep with a guy before you really know him he assumes that you do this with everyone. He is not considered unfit because of the double standard. It doesn’t matter how many girls he has slept with, but it does matter how many guys a girl has slept with.”

“I haven’t met many men who don’t want sex right away.”

“If I am at a party and meet a guy and I really like him and we start fooling around and he calls the next day well then great, let’s hang out. Not because we fucked, but because I liked hanging out with him. It’s always a scary possibility when you don’t have sex in the beginning and you get into a relationship and your lover is horrible, then you’re stuck in a bad-sex relationship and if we’re being honest, sex is a huge part. For me, I like to meet the guy first, enjoy being with him and then sleep together, as scary as that is. Then I’ll invest time and a relationship in him.”

“To me hooking up/one nighters are just that. Generally there are no feelings towards the person. If you’re horny you call them up and have sex and that’s about it. Alcohol is a huge factor. More than likely we will both be drinking with the same people at the same bar and then one thing leads to another and we are having sex.”

“I think relationships are still the goal. It’s just more relaxed on how we get to that point.”

A Very Special Thanks to Dr. Dennis Waskul and his students at Minnesota State University, Mankato, to Janet Minehan and Marian Shapiro at Santa Barbara Community College, to Elaine Hatfield at the Univeristy of Hawai’i, to Justin Garcia at the Kinsey Institute, to Heather Flores, M.S., Madera and Clovis Community College Centers, California, and to Abigail Nitzel and Dr. Joan Chrisler of Connecticut College for some of the most thoughtful and clearly best research done on Hooking-Up (“Hooking-Up versus Dating”).

CHAPTER

32

Sex with a Co-Worker

T
he word “dating” is derived from the Latin phrase
ante eius toga datus in animao.
It means “get into a person’s head before you get into his or her pants.” This is an important concept when you are lusting for someone at work.

Work can be a great place to meet a partner. When you date someone you meet through work, you know what they look like, how they behave under stress and how they treat others. If they have a sense of humor, you’ll know about it, and if they have a good work ethic, others will respect them. If someone at work has personality problems, their fellow workers will usually rat them out. These can be luxuries in the age of online dating when what you see is not necessarily what you get.

People you meet through work will often be geographically desirable, unless they’re in the Omaha office and you’re in Maine. You won’t have to explain your company’s quirks and culture to them, and there’s a good chance you’ll have each other’s backs.

However, there can be a number of problems when you have sex with a co-worker, from relationship drama to company policy. This chapter’s job is to walk you through that. Think of it as the missing section from your employee handbook—the one on negotiating the workplace environment when a fellow employees’ legs are wrapped around yours while you are off the clock.

The Downside of Having Sex with a Co-Worker

Think about the social discomfort at work if one of you wants to take it further and the other doesn’t. There can also be legal considerations when people in the same company are exchanging more than memos and platonic pleasantries. And when you are dating a co-worker, you’re not just dating that person. If they belong to a close-knit group, you might as well be dating their entire department.