The Three Sisters (26 page)

“Like hell I’m going to confess my sins,” screamed
contemptuous K.

“It’ll be Hell if you don’t,” promised Father Novak. “What would be really effective is if after confessing your sins, you became Catholics once again, sincerely returning to your faith. Besides giving the confessions a ‘happy ending’ which the nation would find closer to their hearts in these conservative times, it would help you out at
your trial.”

“Look, Novak, it’d be one thing telling the world how much fun it is to be an atheist, but if you think I’m going to become a comatose Catholic again, you can go to Hell,” Coito told him brusquely. “I’ve gotten enough of that crap from Detective Hole as it is
without you—”

“Just looking at the financial side, K. Conversion’d be good marketing. Told him you never would, any of you three. But confessions are different. Don’t do it and everyone’ll lose a lot of money. Gotta do it, K. Besides, you can mix your confessions with your opinions. Can reach millions of Catholics, K. Tell them what you think of life, Catholic School, the Catholic Church. Show them how cynical you are. Wouldn’t pass that up, would you? Chance of a lifetime. Fool if you don’t do
it, K.”

“Come on, how am I going to reach millions of Catholic with the truth about Catholicism?” asked Coito, now interested, but unwilling to
admit it.

“It’s very simple,” said Father Novak. “With Victor’s connections and a lot of publicity, we can get radio and later TV to carry information about your confessions to the public. We would like to provide a program on TV several times a week, and at worse once a week, which would present edited versions of your confessions to
the public.”

“Maybe it could be like the pre-game show for Catholic Mass,”
interjected K.

“Right now, I doubt if very many people would be interested in you three, but once the Supreme Court announces the trial, the media will be beating our doors down,” promised Father Novak. “As you three confess, the public will quickly become aware of your existences, especially if your pasts are as sinful as you let onto them being. The public will start paying attention to everything you say, not necessarily for the quality of its content, but for the scurrilous nature of your statements. The more outlandish the confessed sins, the more publicity we’ll get. The confessions’ receipts from books, radio, and TV, if they go as well as Victor and I hope, will provide us with the capital we need to create and sell souvenirs related to you three, especially items related to the trial. Victor will take those areas which, because of my beliefs, I do not feel that I could provide to the public, and I’ll take those products which I know the most about. With the capital from these products, I’ll be able to buy into other fields to provide Catholic consumer goods to everyone. It’s a classic case of pyramiding; only
it’s legal.”

“But we haven’t confessed in years,”
objected Theodora.

“All the better, that means you’ll have all the more
to confess.”

“Can’t remember everything, make it up,” advised Victor. “Public’s not interested in truth, only what you say, image you put on. Whole nation’s voyeurs at heart. Always believe the worst if they can, especially if sex is involved. Tell good stories, have the public eating out of your hands. Get a chance to leave here every day. What more could you
ask for?”

“Not having to return here would be nice,” answered K. “Maybe we could get some time off for good behavior and they’d let us go back home for a few nights of saturnalia. Other than breaking up the monotony of being stuck here, what’s in it
for us?”

“Money, lots of money,” said Father Novak. “You three’s share of profits has already been worked out with Victor. Suffice it to say that if everything goes well, you three will never have to worry about working another day as long as you live. Face it, you three are sitting on top of a gold mine. With a little teamwork, we can make it big, but to do this, you three must cooperate and confess your sins. Your reasons for doing so might be different from what I would hope them to be, but we have to work together. I can’t make you three become Catholics once again. That’s between you and God. I have my goals in life, and at last I think they can
be fulfilled.”

“K, look, Father Novak’s been in Church for twenty years now. Met people from every part of the globe. Catholic Church is everywhere. With his church, my connections and know-how, our ideas, we can take advantage of greatest distribution system in the world. ‘Course, Church isn’t too strong in Africa. Can’t do anything but extract minerals or sell Mercedes to government officials anyway. No big loss. But if we can just stick to two Americas and Europe, who cares about Africa? Come on you three, stop being so suspicious. Jay’s not your average priest. Studied Catholicism thoroughly. Bet you he knows a lot you don’t, Theodora. Written numerous articles, few books even. Got some interesting ideas on religion. Tell them about competitive
religions, Jay.”

“Certainly. Competition is the essence of economics, and though few are really aware of it, its means of analysis can be easily applied to other fields as well. One subject which I concentrated on in one of my articles was religion. After all, religion is a product just like anything else, though the most important product of all. What I tried to show was that economic analysis can help us study the success or failure of different religions, sects and faiths. Why have certain Protestant faiths succeeded where others have failed? Why does Protestantism succeed and Catholicism fail in some countries, or vice versa? Or for that matter, why do some religious cults succeed? The answer I gave was product differentiation. A church which can offer something the other churches don’t have will attract new members if its new product is what a certain part of the religious public demands, either consciously
or unconsciously.

“The post-World War II east-west split and cold war have made Manichean messianic Christian beliefs more amenable to the public, and as society has become more impersonal, a more personal religion has been demanded. Southern Baptists and Pentecostals have offered this type of religion to the public, and consequently, they have been the fastest growing Protestant churches in the past twenty years. In fact, Pentecostalism has even
touched Catholicism.

“Product differentiation, for the most part, has been ignored by the Catholic Church throughout its history. Instead, the Church has concentrated on eliminating the demand for other sects by condemning them as heretics. Catholicism depends upon its injunction against birth control for its growth, and consequently, it has had less need to resort to product differentiation. Catholicism did offer some changes with Vatican II, though mainly to keep its customers rather than to gain new ones. A better example of product differentiation in Catholicism, though not one I can say I’m in complete agreement with, is the ‘new theology’ of many Latin American clergy. As you might guess, I think the Church has to introduce more changes for its customers, preferably economically sound changes, if it is
to grow.”

“So would atheism be just another example of product differentiation?”
asked Theodora.

“Certainly, but the problem with atheism, looking at it from a business and not a religious point of view, is that it has never been able to offer anything new. It only exists as an alternative. Atheism has never been a dynamic faith, and consequently has never had many adherents. That’s one reason why atheism is losing its appeal in the Soviet Union—no product differentiation. It’s boring. The Baptists in the Soviet Union, now they offer
something different.”

“It’s the same way with fads, isn’t it?” asked Regina. “That’s why they’re fads. Essentially, they’re worthless, but because they’re different, people latch onto them, if only for a few months. It’s their novelty, not their inherent worth which attracts people,” recognized Regina, trying to explain the motivation behind the trends which she had spent her
life following.

“Or ideas?”
offered Theodora.

“Of course,” said Father Novak. By sharing his ideas with the three sisters, he had become one of their peer group. That he was a Catholic priest was now irrelevant to Theodora and Regina. The fact that they had interests and ideas to share
superseded this.

“Or nuns?” said K cynically. “Is that all we and the confessions are, a
different product?”

“If you like,” Father Novak said in a
matter-of-fact way.

“That all sounds good and well,” said Coito, “but I think you’ve got about as good of a chance of getting the Catholic Church to product differentiate and succeed as Scylla does of successfully rolling his rock up the hill. The Church has little concept of change. You might help them financially, but you’re just throwing a lead life preserver to a drowning man. If you think you can change the Church from within, then I wish you luck, but in my opinion, all you’re doing is putting the Church on
life support.”

“I understand what you’re saying. I’ve run into a lot of intransigence in the Church in my own life, but success begets success, and I think the Church
can learn.”

“If you can change the Church then you’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din. And who decided to replace Confession with Reconciliation? It sounds more like you’re trying to balance your check book than unburden
your soul.”

“They’re not exactly the same, but we need to concentrate on your confessions. Once they begin, we will have to change them around in some way or another so the public doesn’t grow disinterested. It’s a fact of life, like it
or not.”

“Spice them up whenever you can,” interjected Victor. “Need as many nasty details as possible. Hope you three can oblige us. Need photographs too, but we’ve got them at
the Center.”

“I don’t know, Victor,” objected Theodora. “I just don’t like thinking of myself as
a product.”

“Who does? Never objected at the Kennedy Center though. Besides, did same in some of your own productions. Remember the feminist
Taming of the Shrew
? Same difference. Or is it, you think you’re too good for this?” Victor knew the easiest way to change Theodora’s opinion was to show her a logical inconsistency in her point of view. To anyone who thinks themselves rational, this is an intellectual sin. Once Theodora admitted to herself that she acted differently from how she felt, her objection would be
no more.

“OK, but that was different. At the Kennedy Center I was doing what I wanted
to do.”

“Not all the people in your productions were,” objected Victor. “Listen, need all three of you. One, two, not good enough. Don’t live in Japan, but you should at least show some team spirit. Besides, you’ll have your freedom. No prepared scripts at the confessional. Say anything you want. Aren’t Soviet Trials,
you know.”

“OK, but who would be interested in our sex lives anyway?”
asked Theodora.

“Everybody! What makes the world go round. J. Edgar Hoover spent more time monitoring politicians’ sex lives than he did chasing Communists. Some things never change,
especially people.”

“Especially in Washington, D.C.,”
Coito added.

“Look, come November, triall’ll be over with. Your choice whether you want to come out of it rich or poor. Anyway, you are under contract, if I must remind you. Can force you to go along, but
prefer cooperation.”

“When push comes to shove…”
said Theodora.

“You’ll like them once we get started. Just give them a chance. All I ask. Regina, we’ll even try and bring Sister Carla to
visit you.”

“Promise?”

“Of course.”

“So how will the confessions work?” asked
Theodora suspiciously.

“Every day we’ll take you three from here to the National Cathedral which will be wired so we can record everything you say. You will spend the day confessing there. Then we’ll bring you back here at night. There’s nothing to it really,” explained
Father Novak.

“And how are we going to get past the guards guarding?”
asked Coito.

“No problem,” promised Victor. “Couple of generals come up to Kennedy Center all the time. Been talking with them. Said they’d help us whenever we needed them. Great guys. Tribute to America. Said they could get you three off the base for the confessions. Generals interesting to talk to sometimes. Only thing, always talking about Carter. Always the same thing, too. Gets boring after a while. Generals don’t like him. Always complaining about how he’s ruining military. Won’t give them any money. So I remind them about pre-World War II days. No military to speak of at
all then.”

“Except in Central America,”
interjected Regina.

“America must always be strong. Can’t go back to the past, they retort. Times have changed. Never again, they promise. Anyway, said they’d help us. Just doing it so I’ll set them up with the best girls, though. Macho business and
all that.”

“But what happens when we run out of things to confess?” asked Regina. “October is still three months off,
you know.”

“Don’t worry. Think of something. What are capitalists for? Providing opportunities, changing things. May have to come back here for a while, but at least you’ll be outside some. Girls, just confess ’till you don’t think you’ll have to spend a single day in Purgatory. And if the confessions end before October, don’t worry, I’ll think
of something.”

CHAPTER XI

Q. What must he do who has willfully concealed a mortal sin
in Confession?

A. He who has willfully concealed a mortal sin in Confession must not only confess it, but must also repeat all the sins he has committed since his last
worthy Confession.

– A Catechism of Christian Doctrine
(Baltimore Catechism No.
2
),
Q.
217
.

n July
2
, the Supreme Court savored a rare moment: announcing a major governmental decision which had not already been leaked to the press. To score this coup, Victor Virga and the Supreme Court told no one of their plans to make sure no traitorous bureaucratic informants got to the media first. As Victor expected, because the Court’s announcement was totally unexpected, it was all the more stunning
and newsworthy.

At the press conference, for the Supreme Court an uncommon enough event in itself, the Justices announced that they had decided to personally try the three sisters beginning on October
1
,
1979
. None of the Justices was willing to admit that they were bored with their jobs and tired of dealing exclusively with other lawyers, so instead the Court used Victor’s rationalization that they would have to review the case eventually and they were merely expediting the judicial process. The announcement itself was enough to cause consternation, but the Court’s unwillingness to provide a justification that would satisfy the legal community only added more mystery to
the matter.

“The Supreme Court’s decision to try the three sisters means only one thing: the verdict has already been decided upon,” pronounced the all-knowing, all-guessing
U.S. News and World Report
. What the nation thought of the Court’s announcement, however, was irrelevant to Victor; the important fact was that its decision was being widely discussed. As Victor had predicted, the media knew they had found a governmental action which they could capitalize on, and as expected, reporters played up the announcement for all it was worth, running feature stories, seeking expert opinions, and conducting interviews with anyone they could find. Though they did not know it, the media were playing right into Victor’s hands, for once the public had digested the trial, Victor and Father Novak would announce the Confessions. Thanks to Victor’s initiative, the silly season for newspapers, when the most trivial event becomes a matter of great importance, actually produced news of importance. The media tried to explain the reason behind the Justices’ unprecedented move, thinking of every explanation possible except for the real one: boredom with the tediousness of the
Court’s cases.

Though the press had neglected the three after their arrests, now they pestered the former nuns night and day to gain the rare interview which a reporter could use to increase his or her salary and status. When no interview could be secured, the media turned to investigative reporting for its information. Once again, the details of the three’s capture and their previous exploits were poured upon the public, this time with even greater dedication than had been put forth in May when they were besieged at the Washington Monument. Totally ignored a few days before, the three sarcastic sisters were suddenly everywhere: on TV, in magazines, and in newspapers. Coito was
very pleased.

The Supreme Court received its share of attention as well. Not only was the announcement duly reported and analyzed with nomological meticulousness, but since the upcoming trial raised profound constitutional questions, editors editorialized while legal scholars scurried to TV stations during the day to give their informed opinions, and to libraries at night so they could be the first to publish articles in legal journals on the implications of the Court’s announcement. Everyone in the least bit knowledgeable on the subject had an opinion about the decision and made
it known.

Two aspiring presidential candidates took advantage of the news to call for the impeachment of the Justices, a move which was echoed by several members of the House and Senate. The House took immediate action on the matter by creating a subcommittee to study the matter. Speaking to reporters, the Speaker of the House called the Supreme Court’s plans, “a truly unexpected event which needs to be looked into. It is our Constitutional duty to be vigilant over the Court’s activities. Consequently, we have set up a subcommittee which will convene before the month is out to investigate
their decision.”

With the matter referred to a subcommittee, the Justices and Victor knew they had nothing to fear from the House or Senate before the trial could begin. The Justices’ gamble had paid off. The other two branches of the government would not bother them, and they were receiving mountains of free publicity. “Political equivalent of committing the perfect murder,” Victor told the three. Once the trial became an inevitability, other politicians would jump on the bandwagon to gain what they could
for themselves.

Not all were so naïve, however. Detective Hole saw a Catholic conspiracy behind these moves and was openly vocal about his suspicions, telling John Hotchkiss that this proved the Catholics had more power than even he had ever imagined. Detective Hole was uncertain what the ultimate aim of the Court’s cabalistic moves was, but he knew such decisions were not taken
without premeditation.

Detective Hole’s suspicions were confirmed a week later on July
9
when Father Novak and Victor Virga announced to the press that beginning on Monday, July
16
the three sisters would be going to confession that “they might lighten their souls of the manifold sins which presently weigh upon their hearts.” But cynics and members of the media suspected the three were interested in more than their souls when Victor also announced that full coverage of the confessions (radio, TV, movies, and books) would begin once Virnovak Enterprises had come to an agreement with the proper companies. Still, publicity was publicity, news was news, and profits were profits, so cynical though they may be, the media went along with the game to ensure they weren’t
left out.

Some people were shocked by the Confessions’ crass commercialism and denounced Victor and Father Novak’s plans, but as if admitting to the shrewd and lucripetous acumen of Father Novak and Victor Virga, some Americans (
Fortune
, for example) looked upon the two with admiration for their initiative. After the Confessions had begun, one magazine even spun an Alger Hiss-like tale of the two businessmen’s successful rise from rags to riches. Never to deny a myth, Father Novak appeared on TV frequently to discuss his sudden ascent to fame and promote the Confessions. He told his version of how he had convinced the three to “straighten themselves out with God.” That these TV appearances had their intended effect upon the masses of people who watched the talk shows (and hopefully would watch the Confessions) was witnessed by the countless letters Father Novak received from viewers telling him how pleased they were that he had gotten the three to go to confess, and how grateful the viewers were that they would be able to hear what the three had
to say.

The Justice Department was also grateful for the talkative trio’s confessions because this would make the job of prosecuting the three even easier. Until Victor’s announcement, the department had been quite critical of the Supreme Court’s decision on the previous Monday—not that the prosecutors objected to the Justices’ action—but they were upset that the Supreme Court had not deigned to inform the Justice Department of their intentions lest someone in the department leak the news. The prosecutor’s petty complaints were assuaged when his budget
was increased.

Knowing a successful prosecution would enhance the Department’s prestige and future budget, the government’s attorneys on the case redoubled their efforts to formulate a prosecuting strategy as formidable as Israel’s defenses. And when the Attorney General finally went over the prosecution’s case against the three, he knew the government was as likely to lose the case as the three sisters were to end up in Heaven. With conviction a certainty, the Attorney General concentrated on the Justice Department’s image. He chose the prosecutors for the trial not because of their knowledge of the case, but becaue of their ability to present themselves ably to the media. To keep the public informed and to begin a PR campaign to convince everyone the Justice Department was a dedicated and hardworking group, they used their funds to build a new, ultra-modern press room which surpassed even the State Department’s in media appeal. Not to be left behind, other executive branches followed suit with new pressrooms
as well.

When the Confessions began, the government subpoenaed all references to the three’s alleged crimes. “The Confessions were an answer to prayer,” later admitted Detective Hole who had failed in his attempts to get the three lecherous ladies to admit their guilt to him. Though the detective may have hated the Church itself, he admired some of their institutions. Not only were the sordid details of the three’s pasts, their crimes in Tennessee, and their violation of the Washington Monument revealed, making a guilty verdict even more certain, but the three’s confessions created character profiles of habitual anti-social behavior which allowed the prosecution to plan to justifiably push for the maximum punishment allowed by
the law.

Father Novak used his connections in the Church to get priests from across the nation to come to the capital to hear the Confessions. Clergy from the U.S. and abroad were found traveling to Washington, D.C., to absolve the three of their sins, and when reporters asked the priests why they had come, they justified their actions by quoting from Matthew where the shepherd left his entire flock to search for one lost sheep. Here, as they pointed out, was not one but three ewes lost from the light of heaven. Because the priests obeyed the Bible so diligently, incoming flights to Washington were booked solid. National and Dulles airports’ hallways began to look more like monasteries than centers of international travel. No Hare Krishnas were to be seen at
either airport.

In fact, there were so many clergy willing to help the three sinners that by the second week of the Confessions, Father Novak had to limit the time allotted to each priest’s stay in the confessional booth to shorten the long lines of priests standing outside the National Cathedral. There hadn’t been such a large convocation of Catholic priests since the election of John Paul II in Rome the year before. For reasons of efficiency, absolution was saved ’till each of the three had finished confessing for the day so none of them would waste precious camera time gaining forgiveness from God when they could have
been confessing.

On
The Today Show
, Father Novak had predicted that the three would probably spend at least two weeks confessing their wicked deeds and heretical thoughts, perhaps even three, but having had several weeks to prepare their testimony, by the time the Confessions began, the three sisters were ready to try for a spot in the
Guinness Book of
World Records.

When the first day of the Confessions arrived, Victor Virga made sure the media was out in full force to cover the three’s transfer from the air force base to the National Cathedral and back. Though all necessary precautions were taken to ensure the safety of the three sinful sisters and to prevent any escape in transit, neither K, Theodora, nor Regina had any intention
of fleeing.

Once the route’s security had been verified, the three sisters were allowed to leave their cell for the first time in two months so they could go to confession. Under heavy security, purposely played up by Victor to the media, the three were escorted by FBI men and light-flashing, siren-screaming police cars to the Church where the erstwhile nuns could confess
their sins.

Ill at ease in the beginning, after a day or two of recalling (or more often recreating) their wild adventures in high school, college, California, Washington, D.C., and points in between, not a soul could quiet the three as they excitedly detailed their pasts. By the third day, each had discovered her own style and pace for confessing, and each was able to describe their pasts in their own idiosyncratic manner. Because the three enjoyed confessing so much, Father Novak often had a problem getting the three to leave at the end of the day. Spending more time in a cell on an air force base with silent guards guarding, who now had been joined by two pious priests praying, was a poor alternative to life in
the confessional.

“If anyone had ever told me I would want to stay at Church, and at confessional nonetheless, I’d’ve laughed in their face,” K commented to a reporter on the way out one day. “It just doesn’t seem natural for a Catholic to want to go to church, but there’s actually some fun
in it.”