The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (20 page)

Spanking complements anal play in a scene well, since the attention paid to the bottom’s ass—in the form of taps, smacks, slaps, tickles, and other sensations—not only feels good, but helps draw blood to the area, helping the anal arousal process. It’s a win-win situation!

In chapter 8, I extolled the virtues of the butt plug as a sex toy, but it can also be used as a BDSM tool. For the tops: learn to think of a butt plug as your “proxy top,” and use it to begin a scene in your absence. Send an email, or leave a voicemail message or a note with the following instructions:
Put the [description here] butt plug in at 5:00 p.m. Whenever you shift or move and feel that plug in your ass, think of [fill in important thing here]. See you at 6:00.
Once the bottom gets this missive, the scene has begun, and you’re not even there! I like to give the butt plug a very specific meaning; that way, it accomplishes two tasks simultaneously: it helps the bottom become more aware of his or her ass and forces him or her to think about what’s coming later. “Whenever you shift or move and feel that plug in your ass, think of…” The end of this sentence could be any number of things: my cock, the cane, my fist, your hands and legs bound—whatever it is you want the person to begin to anticipate. The possibilities are endless.

After the plug goes in, whether the bottom is at home or running an errand, he or she should be squirming in no time. Having several minutes or hours to ponder one’s fate puts a bottom in a good frame of mind; having a plug in your bottom’s ass means you don’t have to begin at square one—it’s already been warming up without you. I received a letter from a submissive whose Mistress wanted him to a wear a bigger plug because it would make him more submissive to her. I told him that a bigger plug would make him more aware of his ass, and, by extension, could help him focus on his dedication and service to his Mistress. But the size of a butt plug alone does not affect one’s level of submission, and bigger does not always inspire better . If you would like your partner to wear it for longer than fifteen minutes, review the tips and techniques in chapter 14 for long-term butt plug wear.

Like the use of butt plugs, anal training is a great way to both mentally reinforce the Dominant/submissive dynamic and physically prepare the ass for extended anal play. Anal training can be effective for bottoms who are beginners to anal pleasure or those who want to work their way up to extended play sessions, big toys, or fisting. Slow, methodical anal play, where you progress to the next step only when you’ve fully enjoyed the
previous step, is a very effective tool. As you have more and more pleasurable experiences, you increase your chances of being able to take more in your ass for longer. Training can be a top’s method of discipline and control over the bottom’s body. If a bottom is especially scared, hesitant, or nervous about anal play, adding a Dominant/submissive training dynamic to your play can do wonders. A sense of obligation—the bottom needs to do it for you—can help motivate the bottom to get over his or her fear. Training brings structure to the experience, where each step is paced, and the bottom doesn’t feel like he or she has to accomplish everything all at once. When you’re able to set attainable goals for the bottom, and he or she meets those goals, the sense of accomplishment brings with it a newfound confidence.

If your bottom is nervous about anal play or lives far away from you, or if you like to give homework assignments, solo anal exercises can be a useful tool. Nervous bottoms often make more progress on their own at first because the pressure to please the top is taken out of the mix and they can focus on themselves. If top and bottom don’t see each other often, it can be difficult to maintain sexual momentum and pick up where you left off; having the bottom do self-stimulation can keep his or her butt in shape until the next time you see each other. Assign anal masturbation exercises, where the bottom must play with fingers, plugs, or dildos on a regular schedule, track his or her progress, and report back to you.

The training method that I think works best is to set up a plan for the bottom. Decide if the action is going to be solo or in your presence, then create a regimen that calls for gradual increases in a number of elements. First, have the bottom start with one finger, a very small plug, or a slim dildo and play with it (in the case of the plug, wear it) for fifteen minutes. If using a toy, it should be something soft and flexible made of either latex, vinyl, or silicone. Continue the same “small” activity each day , adding fifteen minutes to the ritual. After a week, switch to two fingers or a toy that’s slightly bigger, and start back at the fifteen-minute mark. Have the bottom work up to more time for another week. With each week, increase the size of the toy and the duration of the play session. Anal bead toys and others that have sections that graduate in size are great tools for training and tracking progress. Once the bottom reaches your goal, with each new week after that, instead of changing the size of the plug or dildo, just up the amount of time. Make sure you allow genital stimulation in addition
to anal play to make the experience more pleasurable. Instruct the bottom that if anything hurts, he or she should go back down to the smaller-size plug, staying with it until he or she feels ready for more.

All the rules of anal play still apply: relaxation, plenty of lube, patience, et cetera. Proper anal training works on several fronts. It can condition the bottom’s ass by getting it relaxed, open, and ready for more; plus, it can psychologically condition the bottom to be obedient, focused, and disciplined.

Psychological play in BDSM is focused on the mind (some people call it mindfuck) and may or may not be combined with other types of play. Tops use mental tools like fear and terror, embarrassment, phobias, verbal abuse, interrogation, humiliation, and objectification to provoke, confuse, shock, intimidate, and elicit various emotions from bottoms. A top may attempt to push emotional buttons, screw with someone’s sense of reality, trick, deceive, challenge, or dare a bottom.

In addition to being a physically exciting or intense experience, anal play can be very emotionally and psychologically charged; therefore, it is an ideal activity to incorporate into scenes with a psychological angle. Below I will show how some of the basic characteristics of anal sex I’ve discussed throughout the book can be used as a starting point to create or enhance a psychological play scene.

For many people, anal sex may be something that they don’t do every time they have sex. It may be something they’ve only done with one person. Taking this attribute to the next level, as a top, you can demand ownership of your bottom’s ass. Tell the bottom that she or he cannot touch her or his ass without your permission and no one else can touch it either. The ass becomes a physical symbol of your dominance. You take control of that part of the bottom’s body and you become the sole source of the bottom’s anal pleasure. You can deny that pleasure for an hour , a day, a week, or a month, or indulge the pleasure as a reward for good behavior.

There is an inherent power dynamic in the act of penetration. As the penetrator, you are putting part of your body (or some extension of you) into someone else’s body. As the penetrated, you’re opening up a delicate part of your body and taking something inside you. I believe there is power in both of these roles. The act of anal penetration can be a metaphor for dominance and submission. Fucking someone in the ass could be the ultimate act of dominance; you are invested with the power to enter, invade, and occupy a precious place. You have the power to harm or please. On the flipside, being fucked in the ass can be the ultimate act of submission. You relinquish a delicate, vulnerable part of your body to another person, you lie open and exposed, you surrender to a top’s desire, control, and wishes.

BDSM can be an exploration of the limits of the body and mind, and anal penetration can be an excellent manifestation of this metaphor. How much can you give? How much can you take? How long can you last? In some cases, the more you take, the more you
want
to be able to take, because once you transcend the fear of having something inside your ass, the sky’s the limit.

 

In my workshops (and in the early chapters of this book), I counter the myths and misinformation that may prevent some people from beginning to explore anal eroticism. Over the years, I’ve worked with many people to overcome their fears and anxieties about their asses, so they can embrace this special spot as a source of sexual pleasure. This has meant getting over some of the negative baggage that is associated with all things anal. However, for kinky people, we can exploit these very same elements in developing hot mindfucking scenes. As a bottom, these elements aren’t just a turn-on, but a way to explore your own boundaries with your top. Anal sex—the promise or the threat of it—can be a wonderful psychological tool. Let’s revisit some of the myths from chapter 1 and see how they can be used to our advantage in consensual fantasy scenes.

In reality, we know that anal sex does not have to be messy at all. However, if your bottom is someone who is fastidiously clean, then you can play with the idea that his or her ass is filthy and disgusting. Use verbal taunts to push his buttons: tease her about soiling your white sheets and having to clean it up. When playing with a neat freak who also enjoys being embarrassed in an erotic context, this can be a great way for a top to make the most of his or her bottom’s fear and shame around being dirty.

The ass is a delicate area of the body that requires careful handling; in other words, you could hurt someone if you don’t do it correctly. Does your bottom like to be scared with the possibility of pain or bodily harm? Does she get turned on by the thought of something dangerous being done to her? Fear is one of our most potent emotions, and one that can also arouse us in the right context. Threatening someone with using no lube, putting huge things in his or her ass without warm-up, or tearing up his or her insides can be part of scenes of terror, intimidation, or interrogation.

I know a woman who merely needs to hear the words
anal sex,
and she is sent into a blushing state of mortification and arousal. The idea alone makes her feel like she’s misbehaving and perverted. If your bottom likes to be a naughty boy or girl, anal sex can feed into a role-playing scene full of teasing, punishment, and other delicious possibilities.

In all situations, I recommend lots of communication during anal play, so partners can check in with one another about their needs and wants. But the typical kind of back-and-forth dialogue will not work while you’re in Dominant/submissive role-play. A Daddy who’s a strict disciplinarian doesn’t ask, “How does that feel honey, am I hurting you?” And “Do you want me to put the bigger butt plug in now?” won’t work coming from a controlling Mistress. Similarly, a submissive submitting to a Dominant can’t direct, “Go slower, I don’t like it so fast” or offer “Okay, I’m ready for more now.” That kind of banter could throw off the power dynamic both of you want to create and maintain.