The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (19 page)

The Aneros is a unique anal toy that looks like a butt plug with two thin, curled handles on the base; there are five different styles of the Aneros that vary slightly in size or design (see illustration 10 in chapter 8). The Aneros was designed specifically for prostate massage and is prescribed as a medical treatment for men with prostate problems. It’s also a really cool sex toy you can encourage your male partner to use alone or with you. After warm-up with a finger or two, insert the well-lubed Aneros into the ass, making sure that the loop of the base that curves up (referred to in the instructions as the “perineum abutment”) is positioned to press against the perineum (the area between the anus and the scrotum). Once he’s used to having it inside him, tell him to begin contracting his sphincter muscles. Don’t use your hand to move the toy, tell him to use only his muscles. These contractions
actually move the toy inside him, pushing the head of it into the prostate and creating pleasurable stimulation of the nerve endings. Simultaneously, the abutment presses on the perineum, stimulating it as well. Aneros toys are nonporous, and makers recommend using water-based lube with them; they can be cleaned with hot water and antibacterial soap.

Men can definitely have orgasms as a result of anal penetration. Some men add cock stimulation (you can stimulate his penis or he can do it himself) to anal penetration, and can come from the combination. Others can come from just a good ass-fucking. Other men may experience a different kind of orgasm from prostate stimulation than they do from having their
penis stimulated manually, orally, or via penetration. Many men report that they have a prostate orgasm—all the sensations of an orgasm without ejaculation. Or they may climax and ejaculate a clear fluid that’s different looking than their usual ejaculate—this is prostatic fluid, the fluid produced by the prostate gland. So, there are many possibilities, and it may be a matter of both of you reorienting around a different expectation of an orgasm.

 

QUOTE

Magenta Michaels, “Taking Him on a Sunday Afternoon” in
Herotica 2: A Collection of Women’s Erotic Fiction,
edited by Susie Bright and Joani Blank (San Francisco: Down There Press, 1991), 19.

BDSM is an abbreviation of sorts that represents three distinct but related terms: B & D (bondage and discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (sadism and masochism or sadomasochism). BDSM is meant to be a catchall term that encompasses all the activities for which the letters stand and more. Erotic but not necessarily sexual, BDSM is an intimate experience, an exchange of power between people that may be physical, psychological, spiritual, or all of the above. Common BDSM activities include bondage, flogging, spanking, sensory deprivation, sensation play, and Dominant/submissive role-play. If you’ve ever played with handcuffs or blindfolds, controlled or punished someone, or explored the line between pleasure and pain during sex, then you’ve done BDSM.

In BDSM, the top is the person who is in charge, initiates action, and does things to the bottom; the bottom follows the top’s lead, receives action, and has things done to him or her. In general, but not always, tops like to control and run the show, and bottoms like to give up control and
surrender. Simply put, tops do, bottoms get done. Many tops are dominant—their needs and wishes come first, and many bottoms are submissive—their desire is to please and serve the Dominant. However, that is not always the case. For example, if a dominant Master orders his submissive to flog him, then the Master is the flogging bottom and the submissive is the flogging top; the Master is still the one in charge, he’s just having something done to him. People may also identify with multiple roles, including both top and bottom, and they are called switches.

Because BDSM encompasses so many different practices, kinky people like to talk with their partners first about their likes and dislikes. Negotiation is one of the basic tenets of BDSM and one that everyone (no matter if you’re kinky or not) can learn from. Good negotiation requires you to determine what you want, be able to communicate it, and then make it happen. Once each partner lays down the ground rules for what they want and don’t want, what’s okay and what’s not, both need to respect each other’s physical and emotional boundaries.

Negotiation prior to any BDSM scene is crucial. It’s especially important for the top (the doer) to have as much information as possible about the experience level of the bottom (the one who gets done). The idea is to have as much knowledge as you can before the scene, so you can plan accordingly. Here are some examples of questions about anal play that a top might ask a bottom:

How much experience have you had with BDSM?

How much experience have you had with anal play?

Are you sensitive or allergic to latex or any kinds of lube?

When was the last time you did any kind of anal play and what was it?

What are your turn-ons and turn-offs when it comes to your ass?

How much warm-up does your ass need and what works best for you?

What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever had in your ass (and when did it happen)?

The bottom should be as specific as possible in all his or her answers. For example, if the response to the question “What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever had in your ass?” is “Something really big,” ask the person to be more specific: big like a cucumber or big like a watermelon? Knowing this type of information will help you figure out about how long the scene will last, decide what toys to bring, and determine what kinds of warm-up you’ll do.

You should both agree to use a safeword during a scene. A safeword is a word—usually one that you wouldn’t normally utter during a scene—that you and your partner choose. Since
stop
or
no
or
please don’t
may be part of the dialogue of a scene, none of these words or phrases should be your safeword. Your safeword is your safety net. If you don’t like something that’s happening or you want the scene to stop right away, simply say your safeword.

Lots of different BDSM activities can be combined with anal play, including bondage, sensory deprivation, hot wax, flogging, and piercing .
¹
In this chapter, I will discuss specific activities where the ass is a central part of the play, including spanking, butt plug play, anal training, psychological play, Dominance and submission, penetration by consensual force, and erotic enema play.

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned spanking. Whether you use your hand, a paddle, or another tool, a series of smacks on someone’s ass-flesh can be highly erotic and enjoyable. For some, a spanking is a sensual turn-on. For others, in an erotic context, something that could be painful
transforms into pleasure. When the body experiences an intense or painful sensation, it releases endorphins and other chemicals that attempt to inhibit the pain; these hormones may cause you to feel aroused, euphoric, or high. Add a psychological component to the spanking—like imagining yourself or your partner as a naughty boy receiving punishment at the hands of the governess—and you’ve got an erotic and emotionally-charged scenario.

For novice bottoms and tops and those looking for a light to moderate sensation, it’s best to begin with your own hand. Your hand can help gauge just how soft or hard you are hitting someone, and is the easiest of tools to master since you’ve been using it your entire life. Take off rings and bracelets, which can distract and cause injury, before you spank anyone.

Get your bottom in a comfortable position—for example, lying over your lap, on all fours, or bent over the bed or a table. If you haven’t yet done any foreplay or other touching, before you start spanking, it’s a good idea to get the bottom going. The more aroused he or she is, the more enjoyable the spanking will be for both of you. So, lick her pussy a little, stroke his cock, talk dirty to her, suck on his nipples, do whatever it is you know will get your bottom nice and turned on.

Talk to your bottom, tell him or her what you’re about to do. Perhaps say why you’re giving the spanking if it’s part of the scene: “You’ve been a very bad girl,” or “This is because you forgot to thank me for untying you.” Have the bottom count each smack to help focus on the spanking and anticipate the next lick to come. You can also have the person repeat a phrase like, “Please Mistress, may I have another?” If she or he forgets to say it or miscounts, you can start back at one. Verbal communication will not only keep you connected to one another and the scene, but as the top, you’ll be able to determine when you’re nearing your bottom’s limit by her breathing and the tone in her voice, as well as her body language.

Begin by stroking and kneading the buttcheeks. Rubbing them will help to warm the skin and prepare it for the spanking; plus it will turn your partner on and tempt him or her with what’s to come. Slightly cup your hand with the fingers together . Start out very lightly, just tapping the fullest part of the ass; make sure you avoid hitting the tailbone. After this very light spank, gently massage the area you just hit. Begin alternating sides with a light spank, followed by a massage. Keep your hand as close to the ass as possible; the farther away you bring your hand, the less control you
have over hitting the exact spot you are aiming for and the more likely you are to hit too hard. You may want to spank with one hand and use the other one to play with her clit or his cock. Genital stimulation will help relax the bottom and make the spanking feel more sensual. Keep it relatively light in the beginning, and don’t spank your bottom more than one-or two-dozen times. You can always have a heavier, longer spanking later. If you’re going to spank someone and then do something else to his or her ass (flog it, cane it, or drip hot wax on it, for example), keep in mind that after a spanking, the skin is much more sensitive.

When you’re ready to try different spanking tools, check your own home for useful things like a wooden spoon, spatula, or hairbrush. Or you may want to invest in a toy called a slapper (two pieces of leather sewn together at one end) or a leather paddle. There are also paddles made of rubber or wood, which deliver a much stronger, harder smack than their leather counterparts. Because slappers and paddles can be made of a variety of materials, it is important to know your tools before you start wielding them on another person. Most of them can produce a light sensation or a heavy, painful one depending on how much force is behind it. There are a variety of brushes made for grooming horses (found at tack stores), which can be used on the ass to create unique tactile feelings. Rub or “brush” the cheeks with them, or, for a heavier feeling, you can actually spank with some of them. The important things is to be very familiar with the implement and what different kinds of sensations it is capable of delivering as well as the pain it may inflict. Test out your spanking tools on your inner thigh before using them on someone else.

Some paddles are leather on one side and soft fur (real or fake) on the other, so you can alternate between a whack and a gentle caress. If you don’t have a two-sided paddle, you can use a fur mitt, a fuzzy glove, or a feather to create a similar gentle sensation. Try spanking with one bare hand and one hand wearing a leather glove. To create a combination of
hot and cold, rub an ice cube over the ass, making sure to let some water drip between the cheeks. When the asscheeks are wet, the spanking will sting more.