The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (15 page)

You can combine rimming with other oral pleasure. During a blow job, tease his balls with your tongue, then move down to his ass. Or, after licking your partner’s pussy, let your finger take over for your mouth to stimulate her , and venture to her ass to give it some oral attention.

One of the golden rules of anal play is that if something goes in an ass, it should never be inserted in a pussy without a thorough washing or a new condom, glove, or dam. Does that mean you can never go from analingus to cunnilingus without spreading germs? The reason that going directly from ass to pussy is not a good idea is because you can introduce bacteria from the rectum into the vagina, where it will cause an infection. There is a much greater risk of this transfer of bacteria during penetration because a finger, cock, or toy has been inside the rectum (the deeper you
go, the more likely you will come into contact with bacteria or trace amounts of fecal matter). When it comes to oral stimulation, if you are simply licking the outside or just inside of your girlfriend’s ass, then her outer lips and clitoris, there is less (but not zero) risk of cross-contamination, as long as her ass was clean to begin with. If you want to be super safe, you can rinse your mouth out with mouthwash in between oral acts or use separate dams for each activity.

If you plan to lick someone’s ass, you should know the risks. You can be exposed to genital warts, genital herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, and hepatitis A. If there are open sores on the anus or in the anal canal, you are at risk for hepatitis B, hepatitis C, and HIV. So you should practice safer sex by using an oral sex barrier like a dental dam, plastic wrap, an unlubricated condom cut lengthwise, or a latex glove cut into a usable shape. Dab some lube on the side of the barrier that covers the anus.

If you and your partner have tested negative for STDs and hepatitis and are in a monogamous relationship, licking ass is relatively safe. However, if you come into contact with any fecal matter, you can catch whatever is in the person’s gastrointestinal tract, including parasites, worms, hepatitis A, and any other disease-causing organism living there. Normally, if someone has a gastrointestinal problem, he or she feels sick and is unlikely to be in the mood for ass licking. But it is possible to be infected and asymptomatic. As for E. coli, there is always some E. coli in the stool. If it’s a disease-causing E. coli, then the person who has it is already sick and symptomatic, and you shouldn’t lick his or her ass. If a person has no symptoms of E. coli disease, then you should be fine.

 

NOTE

1
Hartley,
Guide to Anal Sex
.

 

QUOTE

S. Bear Bergman, “Lessons,”
Best Lesbian Erotica 2005,
edited by Tristan Taormino (San Francisco: Cleis Press, 2004), 128-129.

Ready? Anal penetration is a huge subject, covering everything from penetration with fingers and small toys to a penis or strap-on dildo. Included here you’ll find tips for both giver and receiver on communication, relaxation, warm-up, and positions, as well as techniques for strap-on sex and double penetration.

Make sure you have all the tools you want nearby—your favorite condoms, gloves, lube, toys, and baby wipes—so you don’t have to go searching for them in the middle of a passionate moment. Review my recommendations about hygiene (chapter 4) and enemas (chapter 5), so your butt is prepared.

The most common mistake people make—and the number one reason that the receptive partner ends up in pain—is that they rush penetration. In a typical straight adult video, a guy with an erection simply bends a
woman over and sticks his dick in her ass. People try the same thing at home with painful, sometimes disastrous results. In reality, on a porn set, women warm up with plenty of lube, fingers, and toys; the problem is that this foreplay ends up on the cutting room floor or never gets filmed in the first place. No one can go from zero to sixty in five seconds flat, not even the professionals.

If you’ve never done any anal play before and your goal is to have intercourse with a cock or strap-on dildo, or be penetrated by a large toy,
it’s not going to happen in one night
. Anal penetration should be a slow, gradual process. Patience is crucial. Everyone must go at their own pace for anal sex to work. When both partners are patient, it’s much easier to relax, especially for the receptive partner.

Because anal sex takes time, it’s not a choice activity for a night when you just want a quickie, or someone has somewhere to be. If you are nervous, anxious, or stressed out about anal sex, sex in general, or the presentation you’re giving tomorrow at work, anal sex should not be on the agenda. The more time you take in beginning, the more you’ll benefit in the end.

During a demonstration in one of my Anal Sex 101 classes, I was going to show some techniques on a woman I’d never played with before. We agreed that I would put a few fingers in her, then an acrylic butt plug. I asked her about what she liked and disliked, and if there was anything I should know before I put the plug in her ass. She responded, “Well, yeah. I want you to slide the plug in until you get to the widest part, then stop and let me get used to it. Tell me just before you’re going to put it in further. Then, slide it all the way in. Once it’s in, I will hate it and want you to take it completely out. Take it out, wait a minute, then you can slide it all the way back in.” I asked her why she hated it, and she explained that the first time a plug fully
penetrates her ass, the feeling is too overwhelming, and she needs it to stop immediately. But once she recovers from that, it can go back in and feel great. I loved how specific she was. I told her we’d follow her plan to the letter, but when the plug was all the way in the first time, I wanted her to say out loud, “I hate it!” which would be my signal to take it out.

She got on her hands and knees on a massage table. After warming up her ass with my fingers, I placed the plug at her anal opening and pressed slightly on the base to begin penetration, then I instructed her to push herself onto it. I told her to stop when she got to the widest part. We both took a deep breath.

“Ready?” I asked.

“Ready,” she said. I continued my pressure on the base until it was at the widest part, then I stopped. When she said she was ready, I told her I was going to put the rest of the plug in her ass. I pushed gently on the toy and watched as it disappeared into her ass, until her sphincter muscles closed around the narrowest part just above the base.

“I hate it!” she screamed, and the audience laughed as I slid the entire plug back out. I squeezed some more lube onto the tip of the plug, and rubbed it around to distribute the clear gel. Then I proceeded to slide the plug back into her. As I got about halfway in, she said, “Wait, what are you doing now?”

“I’m putting it back in like you told me to.”

“Oh, I was wrong. Give me a minute.” The audience laughed again. I did too, because she was so adorable! We agreed that I’d play with her clit some more and just tease her opening with the toy . When she was ready , she told me, and I put the toy all the way in her ass. She moaned and said, “Yeah, that feels really good.”

This is a good example of active communication and negotiation. As you begin anal exploration, tell each other how you’re feeling, give and take instructions, communicate about what you need and want. Remember too that what you think your partner needs may change in the middle of it, so be prepared to be flexible.

Find a comfortable position. If you are a first timer, you may find that lying on your back works best since you can make eye contact with your partner, communicate face-to-face, and have your genitals easily accessible for
stimulation. You may want to put a pillow under your butt to angle it for easier entry. Each person’s body is unique, and what is a comfortable position for one may be uncomfortable for another. There’s no rule about the greatest position for beginners, so explore to find what works for you and your partner. There will be a more in-depth discussion of positions later in this chapter.

 

RELAX

Relax, relax, relax. Take a deep breath. And another. Relaxation is so important to having pleasurable anal sex. With the hectic pace of our lives, it is one of the hardest states to achieve. Because the ass can be a place where we store much of our stress and tension, we need to give our bodies plenty of time to release that tension before venturing into anal pleasure. I find that doing about fifteen minutes of deep breathing helps my body to unwind, and the breathing actually gets me in touch with how my entire body is feeling. A warm bath, candles, and a sensuous massage are also great relaxers. We must also relax our minds, and some people like to meditate or do some positive visualization to calm and prepare themselves for anal penetration. Ultimately, our bodies and minds are linked, and we have the power to relax or to tense up.

Relaxation is also critical because anal penetration may feel strange at first. Some level of discomfort is common, especially for anal sex beginners. Our asses are used to pushing things out, not taking them in, so penetration is a new experience for them. Many people tell me they have the urge to have a bowel movement during anal sex; if that’s the case for you, I recommend you stop and go to the bathroom. You may, in fact, have to go. But (since you already had a bowel movement to prepare) it’s more likely that your body is just a little confused. Because the rectum is used to expelling things, when it feels something inside, it sends a signal to the brain to shit it out, which is what it normally does. The next time you feel like you have to have a bowel movement, I recommend you take several deep breaths, relax, and let your ass get used to whatever is inside it. Make sure that the finger or sex toy inside you stays put and doesn’t make any sudden movements. Chances are after you relax, that initial feeling will subside, and you can progress to anal pleasure. Remember too that the more you practice anal penetration, the more your ass will get used to having things inside it, and will respond with less confusion and more pleasure.

When your partner first penetrates you, focus on relaxing the sphincter muscles. You may also want to bear down or push out to make penetration easier. It sounds like the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve, but bearing down often helps the muscles to relax.

 

TAKE THE LEAD

Talk to your partner before, during, and after about what turns you on, the sensations you experience, what you’d like more of, and how everything feels. The more information you can give your partner, the better equipped he or she will be to please you.

You set the pace and control the action. I know it may seem like a contradiction—
I’m getting nailed in the ass, and I’m the one in the driver’s seat?
—but you
are
the one calling the shots. You need to be well aware of your body, and specifically of your anal sphincters, because you have the ability to relax them. Listen to your body; if you feel any pain, you absolutely need to stop. Don’t fool yourself that the pain will subside or pressure yourself to continue even when it no longer feels good.
Anal sex does not have to be painful at all.
I realize that there is a fine line sometimes between pain and discomfort, and each person is different. You need to judge for yourself where that line is. Give your partner plenty of feedback; tell him or her how slow or fast, how deep or shallow; if you want less or when you’re ready for more. You must also be prepared to tell your partner to slow down, change activities, or stop altogether.

TURN YOUR PARTNER ON

Start out with some fun, stress-free foreplay. One of the keys when trying something new is not to forget the tried and true techniques that are already working. Before you even go near your partner’s ass, get him or her revved up in the usual ways—get things started with that favorite oral technique, position, sex toy, et cetera. Kiss her on that favorite spot of hers. Stroke that place you know will drive him wild. The more relaxed and turned on your partner is, the easier anal penetration will be. As you begin experimenting with anal stimulation and penetration, keep other kinds of stimulation going, whether it’s hitting her G-spot, licking his perineum, or using a trusty vibrator.

LISTEN AND TALK TO YOUR PARTNER It’s important that you focus on your partner as you’re giving him or her anal pleasure. The receiver should feel comfortable to talk as much as he or she wants during the experience. Ask her how she feels; ask him what he wants. You should also listen to your partner’s body. Feel how the sphincter muscles contract around your finger and respond to your touch. Observe the level of tightness and openness of the anus in addition to the rest of the body’s response to anal stimulation. What verbal and nonverbal cues is she giving you? How is his breathing pattern? What kinds of sounds is she making? Tell your partner what you’re doing, especially each time you are about to move on to something new. Also tell her or him what
you’re
feeling, what’s turning
you
on; it will enhance the communication and pleasure between you. Ask specific questions like:
How does this feel? Would you like more or less movement? Do you want me to play with your pussy while I’m doing your ass? Do you want more teasing? Some rimming? More pressure and fullness? Less in-and-out motion?
Ask.