The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (18 page)

In the spooning position, both partners are on their sides either facing each other or facing the same direction. This position is comfortable, flexible, and easily maneuverable, and it gives both partners good control over the angle and depth of penetration; it’s an ideal position for partners who are of very different heights or sizes. Some people find that lying side by side gives them greater access to their partner’s vagina, clitoris, penis, balls, and more for exploration and stimulation.

You don’t get the depth of penetration in spooning that you get with other positions; however, spooning is good for a long, slow anal fucking session, where no one’s in a rush to get somewhere. Don’t get me wrong—you can still have ecstatic orgasms this way.

Many people find a sling or a swing ideal for anal sex. Slings and swings must be suspended from a weight-bearing beam in the ceiling or a metal stand built specifically to hold it, which can be purchased separately. Lying in one can be both comfortable and extremely supportive, plus your partner can have flexible access to your ass. While you may get into a variety of positions, the key to making this work is having the swing or sling at the proper height so your bodies line up.

A sling is like a hammock seat designed especially for sex, and it is usually made of solid, webbed, or crisscrossed leather or nylon. Most come with separate stirrups or ankle and leg cuffs to support your weight, which makes keeping your legs up in the air practically effortless. Some come with a separate piece for head and neck support.

The Love Swing and The Bungee Sexperience Sex Swing are examples of swings. Both basically consist of an adjustable nylon sex harness with straps to support the back and butt or waist and knees, depending on the position you’re in. Padded stirrups for feet, ankles, calves, or thighs make it comfortable to be in, even for a long session. You can get into dozens of different positions with a swing, and create different sensations in each. The giver can pull the receiver (the one in the swing) effortlessly back and forth or bounce him or her up or down. The receiver can create the same effect with a slight hip action while his or her partner lies, sits or stands completely still.

Slings and swings are available at specialty sex and leather stores (see Resource Guide).

 

QUOTES AND SIDEBARS

Rose White and Eric Albert, “She Gets Her Ass Fucked Good” in
Best American Erotica 1997,
edited by Susie Bright (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1997), 82.

Betty Dodson, Ph.D.,
Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partnersex
(New York: Harmony Books, 2002), 189-190.

Almudena Grandes,
The Ages of Lulu,
translated by Sinia Soto (New York: Grove Press, 1994), 184.

Susan Crain Bakos,
Kink,
10.

While this book says
for women
on the cover, I know that men bought the first edition, as did women who wanted to learn to give pleasure to their male partners. Since our anorectal anatomy is so similar, nearly all the tips and techniques you’ve read so far throughout the book apply to men as well. You can use your mouth, your fingers, or a sex toy to stimulate or penetrate your man’s ass. If you’re interested in using a strap-on dildo, follow the recommendations in chapters 8 and 11. In this chapter, I’ll cover some of the particular issues—both physical and psychological—that relate specifically to men receiving anal pleasure.

Let me admit my bias about male anal pleasure right off the bat. Getting fucked in the ass is one of the greatest gifts a man can give himself and his partner. First, there is the purely physical prize that awaits him when he is on the receiving end of anal pleasure: those nerve endings, that sensitive tissue, and the unique prostate stimulation. Anal sex is an opportunity for men to be penetrated—a chance to experience pleasure from the other side of the fence, for those usually dishing it out. But in order to access this ecstasy, most men must first get over a lot of shame
and fear and embrace all the ass has to offer, which can be easier said than done.

Since anal pleasure is still taboo in American culture, anyone who admits to being a Backdoor Betty is on the front lines of sexual liberation. As women, since we are already positioned as the receptive, penetrated partner , we need only reorient ourselves to focus on the
other
orifice. A man, on the other hand, is seen as the penetrator, the active partner, the pencil to her sharpener. Giving his body over to a woman in a whole new way requires extreme trust, but before he can go there, he’s got to deal with some of the baggage that comes with a desire for anal pleasure. Men must confront the stereotype that dudes who like their asses played with are gay. Or the myth that a man has got to be a passive wuss to get fucked in the ass; that real men don’t get done up the butt, and if they do, they’ve somehow put their masculinity in jeopardy. All of this is, of course, bull-shit, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to let go of and get over.

Over the years, I’ve received thousands of letters from and spoken face-to-face with hundreds of men who love to get fucked in the ass. Most of them identify as heterosexual and have female partners. Wanting to experience anal pleasure does not make a man gay, kinky, or weird. It doesn’t make him less of a man, either. In fact, I think a willingness to embrace a desire that’s outside the norm is the sign of a sexually confident, adventurous, open-minded man.

That said, different men like to be fucked in different ways. It’s okay if a guy’s anal desires involve being submissive, being naughty, or being “forced” (by prior consent) to do it. On the other hand, a guy doesn’t have to be passive or submissive to be penetrated. I have personally fucked plenty of men without flipping them—it’s all in the way you play it. Encourage your male partner to work through any issues he may have about his sexual or gender role, and to come out of an altogether different closet, along with all the other straight men who can proudly say, “I love getting fucked in the ass!”

Not only can men challenge their gender roles, but so can women. Women who give men anal pleasure can try out the role of active penetrator; we can slip our tongues, fingers, and cocks inside our male lovers’
bodies, learning how to give and get pleasure in a brand-new way. Being on the other end of the dick gives women a chance to have their own revolution, too. We can see how the other half does it, and experience our power as women in a new way. This new sexual role alone can be a huge turn-on for some women. There are also plenty of ways for a woman to get physical stimulation while fucking someone with a strap-on (as discussed in chapters 8 and 11).

Too many men still have not experienced the wonders of their prostate gland. For many of them, their first foray into the land of anal penetration (if they’ve had one at all) probably took place in a sterile white room, on a paper-covered table. The proctologist squeezed a lump of K-Y onto his latex-clad hand and shoved his finger up your man’s ass. It wasn’t erotic, it didn’t feel particularly good, and your boyfriend wasn’t even attracted to the guy. All of this happened five minutes after words like
prostate cancer
and
rectal exam
were uttered. Some turn-on. Now he knows how you feel at the gynecologist. If this is the case for your guy, he needs to put this experience out of his mind—it was a medical exam. I’m talking about mind-blowing sex.

Recall that the prostate sits around a part of the urethra and is about 2 to 3 inches inside the rectum on the front wall. If you slip your finger inside a man’s ass and head toward the front of his body, you’ll find an area (about the size of a walnut) that feels differently textured than the rest of the rectal wall. At first, you should gently rub the spot as your partner gives you feedback about how it feels. Every guy is different, so your partner’s communication is critical to helping you stimulate him in exactly the way he wants. As he gets more aroused, the prostate will swell and become more sensitive. It can also handle more firm and deliberate stimulation once it’s swollen, and you can employ some of the same techniques I’ve described for stimulating the G-spot throughout the book. For prostate stimulation with a dildo (whether strapped on or in your hand), select a curved toy and make sure the curve is always toward the front of his body.

Some guys like to have their cocks and balls played with, while others want anal play alone—that’s something for the two of you to experiment
with. When some men have their ass stimulated, they may lose their erection. There are several theories about why this can happen. As a man relaxes his pelvic and sphincter muscles to allow penetration, the pelvic region is too relaxed to maintain an erection. Some men get entirely focused on the stimulation of their ass, and their cock is not the focal point of the pleasure. Don’t be alarmed if it happens to your partner. A loss of erection could signal a man’s fear or anxiety about being penetrated, and you may want to check in with your partner if you sense some physical or emotional discomfort. However, a man may also be having the time of his life and still have a less than rock-hard cock. It may not happen every time he is penetrated, or it may change as he becomes aroused. Worrying about his loss of erection is not going to help it return or help either of you to have a good time. Relax, and let it do whatever it wants to do.