The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus (2 page)

This book was an enormous undertaking. I read and reread everything about cunnilingus, scoured sex guidebooks and modern erotica, and shook the Internet until it rattled. In addition, I sent out multiple surveys, whose responses came from the United States, Europe, and Canada and covered the full spectrum of gender, sexual orientation, age, race, and ability. I gathered their comments, compiled my research, and married the results to a sex-positive, nonjudgmental approach to sexuality.

The people I surveyed have allowed me to quote them, and you’ll see their comments woven throughout these pages. A couple of women had interesting stories to tell, and I included those in my text, with names changed to protect the not-so-innocent. For them, and many others, this book brings a sigh of relief. Here, finally, is a refreshingly frank explanation of cunnilingus. Although there is a great deal available on the subject of sex, in the current sea of sex information, cunnilingus seems to often be shown in soft focus, such as in books that allude to “yoni kisses.” Others offer one-size-fits-all solutions in “three easy steps”—of course, these guides oversimplify women’s sexuality. And sadly, many of these guides consider cunnilingus only an act of foreplay.

Why do sex books cover cunnilingus in only the clumsiest of ways? There are many answers. Number one, I think, is that we live in a pussy-phobic culture. Ladies, keep it covered up, douse it in perfume, cloak it in sterile white capris in sporty tampon commercials—and for crying out loud, don’t talk about it. Another reason is that most sex guidebooks are written by staunchly heterosexual women. Nothing wrong with that, unless you want to know what it’s really like to lick pussy. I think the orientation of the author and the audience should never get in the way of the information. But the trouble is, the authors who’ve never done it just don’t know what it’s like, and they tiptoe around their ignorance. The male authors are no better: in their guides, they often elevate cunnilingus to divinity status, obscuring it with tantric-this and New-Age-that, perhaps to hide the author’s latent sexual shame. Don’t they realize that the rest of us look at the Flying Bird Octopus Technique #57 and think,
Huh
?

The final reason that guides glaze over cunnilingus is a lack of understanding about anatomy. It’s not that they don’t know what the body parts are called; it’s that they don’t tell us what to do with those parts. Sure, maybe you can identify the clitoris, perineum, and anus—and make up all the fruity names for techniques you want—but how do these body parts respond to erotic stimulation? We need to retell the story of Female Genital Anatomy 101 from a pleasure perspective: we know where babies come out, but we have no idea how clits like to be licked or how labia prefer to be nibbled.

This book fills in the blanks. Actually, it does more than that—it teases them, turns them on, bursts their seams, and pushes them over the edge. It’s more than a handful, and certainly more than a mouthful. It is not just for the givers of cunnilingus but also for women on the receiving end. It provides all the information we ever wanted about cunnilingus: what it is, how to do it, and how to talk about it, plus pleasure-based anatomy, games and treats, advanced techniques, and more.

So, sit back, relax, and enjoy this information packed, fun little read. There are many fun tricks and techniques to try, adorable illustrations from Molly Kiely, and steamy, explicit short stories by Alison Tyler to get you hot and bothered. May you enjoy putting this book into practice as much as I have.

Violet Blue
San Francisco

CHAPTER 1

One Act, Many Pleasures

If we’re having sex, he knows what he’s got to do first!

Take a woman who enjoys skilled cunnilingus and put her lover’s face between her legs, and you might as well have put a scoop of ice cream on a hot griddle. Nothing compares to the warm, wet feeling of a lover’s mouth caressing your most sensitive and private places. The softness of a pair of lips, the heat of a mouth, and the slick feeling of a tongue sliding around and over the vulva is a sensation like no other. The feel of a lover’s mouth on a woman’s genitals offers sensations that fingers, sex toys, and penises simply can’t provide.

Oral sex can produce incredibly intense, powerfully focused orgasms, and for a significant number of women, these orgasms are stronger and more satisfying than orgasms from intercourse. For women who have difficulty achieving climax during partnered intercourse, oral sex is a blessing. In
The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior
, 18 percent of women reported that they prefer to have an orgasm from oral sex than from intercourse. Additionally, women who find the stimulation from vibrators or fingers overwhelming can attain blissful satisfaction from the soft caress of a tongue.

Illustration 1. One Act, Many Pleasures

The idea that cunnilingus brings women orgasmic satisfaction, or that their lovers enjoy performing it on them, isn’t new. According to the book
Oral Caress,
by Robert Birch, Ph.D., cunnilingus is an age-old practice. From the tribal societies of Oceana, explicit illustrations of oral sex on pottery date back as early as 300 BC, and similar graphic depictions of cunnilingus dating from 200 BC appear on scrolls from China and Japan. Even the most famous love manual, the
Kama Sutra,
written by Indian poet and philosopher Vatsayana in 400 AD, places emphasis on “oral congress” with women—though much less so than with men. Ancient erotic art contains many references to oral sex performed on women, such as the explicit “yoni kisses” in twelfth-century Indian temple carvings.

However, with historical imagery we’re often left to speculate about the message of the image. Just whose pleasure is being catered to? The woman on the receiving end? Or is it solely for the benefit of the man, woman, creature or deity going down on her? Or for both of them? We also wonder which audience the titillation (or instruction) is for: those who enjoy giving, those who enjoy getting, people who interpret either role as dominant or submissive in some way, folks with a yen for oral sex, or just those who like to watch? When it comes to oral sex today, we still wonder about the same things.

When I gave guys head, I felt like they were “doing me,” and when they went down on me, I still felt like I was the one “being done.”

Both types of oral sex—cunnilingus and fellatio—require that one person give the oral stimulation, using their mouth on their partner’s genitals, and that the other person receive the sensations. A popular misconception about oral sex labels one partner as “active” and the other as “passive,” leading most people to conclude that cunnilingus and fellatio inherently have a power-exchange dynamic. When someone is “receiving” oral sex, we say that they are “getting head,” as if ”head” were something they were taking from their partner. People who “give head” are often seen as the passive or receptive ones in the equation; as the “givers” in a taboo act, they are viewed as not deserving of respect. In this view, receptivity equals both spreading your legs and opening your mouth. People who eroticize control issues may find that this fuels their arousal, but for others it can amplify an issue that turns them off.

Many people who enjoy oral sex enjoy it purely for the sensations—role-playing doesn’t even enter into it. The truth is, when two people engage in oral sex, both partners are active. How the dynamic of giving and receiving is interpreted is entirely up to the individuals involved.

Receiving

Some women don’t know that there are many ways to receive cunnilingus—and I’m not just talking about positions. No one tells us these things, just as no one tells us how to masturbate. Good head—gals
can
get head, by the way—can be received in many ways. It can be an act of utter, fingers-in-the-cake-frosting selfishness, or a moment of heart-stopping, naked, and totally exposed intimacy. It can be a giddy experiment in which both participants are embarking on a pleasure-seeking investigation, or a beautiful gift passed from one lover to another. Cunnilingus can be perceived as naughty—you might feel impulsive and wicked having someone down there—or it can be interpreted as a sacred act of worship.

A woman who receives cunnilingus is just as much a participant in the act as the person who is doing the licking. As a woman receiving cunnilingus, the degree to which you participate is entirely up to you. At the very least, you have consented to receive cunnilingus. You might lie back and leave the rest up to your partner. Or you might seek out oral sex—in addition to asking for head, you might tell your partner how to do it and direct them physically by grabbing their head or showing them what you want. Imagine a cunnilingus participation meter for receptive partners, with the least possible participation at one end and complete control at the other end. Most women’s level of participation resides in the middle. The arrow is constantly on the move, though, depending on arousal, mood, circumstance, and your partner’s own level of participation. Once you have both developed trust about oral sex, playing around with high and low levels of participation can be fun.

Sometimes when she’s down there I like to “play dead.” I make her do all the work to make me come. But it’s only okay if I take control the next time.

Giving

One woman I slept with didn’t want me to go down on her, and I was worried the whole time that she wasn’t going to come.

I was sixteen years old the first time I went down on a woman. My girlfriend’s friend told her it was a sure-fire way to orgasm. I’d never seen a pussy that up close and personal before, but as I spread her legs and opened her lips with my fingers, all I could think about was how beautiful she was. I licked her once and immediately knew I’d be begging her to let me do it from then on.

As a “giver,” you may want to perform cunnilingus for many different reasons, but the single most common motivation for going down on a woman is to give her erotic pleasure. Cunnilingus is a direct way of bringing a woman pleasure, and for many, participating in her pleasure is very arousing—in fact, for some it’s their biggest turn-on. Many people find that making their partner wet and hard and bringing her to orgasm is a powerful aphrodisiac; this is the allure of oral sex. You’re most likely drawn to go down on her to make her feel good—because her pleasure makes
you
feel good—but chances are good that there are also other motivating factors involved, factors that, put lightly, enhance your experience.

I love to go down on women. The smell, the taste, being up close to her pussy—sometimes it makes me horny just to think about it.

While some cunnilingus lovers get off on knowing how much pleasure they can offer their partners, others may hunger to be “used” as their partner’s own private sex toy. You can do it because it gets you off; you can do it because it gets her off. One lover might feel a spiritual tenderness when worshiping between the thighs of a goddess, while another feels delightfully “naughty” doing exactly the same thing. You could be the type that savors the feelings, smells, and flavors of an aroused vulva, or you might just enjoy holding the center of your lover’s pleasure in your mouth. If you like to kiss and lick your female partner’s genitals, you may require little more than a twinkle of an eye or the swish of a skirt to spark your desire. Or, cunnilingus might be something you are wary of, attempting it only at the request of your lover. Some people simply see themselves as participating in a session of lovemaking that involves mutual pleasure in which cunnilingus is one of the many wonderful things on the menu. However you come to the table, the unrivaled sexual intimacy of going down is a big factor that draws many people to the act.

When I go down on a girlfriend, I know we’re really close and that it’s special.

Increasing Intimacy

For me cunnilingus feels more intimate than intercourse. Besides the fact that it feels really good, I like knowing that my partner is completely focused on me and on my pleasure.

The intimacy that cunnilingus affords both partners is tremendous—I say both partners because intimacy and cunnilingus is a two-way street. Both participants have consented to do something that requires a great deal of trust, and they probably feel like they’re running the risk of facing some deep fears. When you’re the one who’s going down, you may feel emotionally exposed. You have to trust your partner to withhold judgment about your ability, performance, and (even scarier) your desire to go down on her in the first place. Though these fears can be largely addressed by talking about it together beforehand and establishing sexual communication, moving through them takes mutual trust and the cementing of that trust over time.