The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus (4 page)

Your ordinary taste is nothing to be worried about—in fact, like your scent, it’s closer to the taste of plain yogurt than anything. If you’re nervous about how you might taste or smell, find out for yourself: masturbate, and then gently smell your fingers afterward. You can even try a taste—this is what your lover will taste. Or, if you’re not sure you want to try this, ask your partner how you taste. Many partners truly love the way a woman tastes and even find your flavor an arousing aphrodisiac.

I tried tasting my dildo after I masturbated; it wasn’t at all what I thought it would be. Very neutral.

4. I’ll Take Too Long

If I think about how long it’s been, I can’t come. It just ruins it

Living in a world of orgasmic comparisons, it can seem like all the other girls got trick birthday candles while we ended up with a tatty pack of matches. And, if your partner is male, it’s even more daunting to relax into arousal when you think of his orgasm like Old Faithful; automatic, eventual, reliable. (Of course, not all men reach orgasm quickly, or reliably—there’s another gender stereotype we can toss out.) When we women were dealt that mysterious capacity for multiple orgasms, we also got the genitals without the stopwatch—there is no typical time to orgasm for women, or men for that matter, period. We take as long to get to the summit as it takes, and the amount of time depends on any number of factors, just as no session will ever have the same duration. In addition, it may take longer than usual to orgasm when you introduce any new erotic behavior to your repertoire, especially if you are worrying about it. But the golden rule of orgasm for women is that the more you do it, the more you’ll be able to do it.

Worried that you’ll take too long? If you feel okay about it, tell your partner that this is a concern of yours, and find out how he or she feels about it—end the guessing, once and for all. Don’t feel pressured to orgasm (or fake it) in the first place; if what your lover does to you feels great, then you have both succeeded. Or you might go from a languid session of cunnilingus without orgasm and on to other activities such as mutual masturbation, going down on your partner, intercourse, or if you choose, another activity that leads to your orgasm.

But you don’t necessarily have to switch activities when you want to come—that’s only one solution. There are many things you can do to achieve orgasm from cunnilingus. Just as with any sexual act that results in orgasm, there’s usually more than one thing that can trigger the neural pathways that lead to bliss. Try incorporating additional stimulation, such as masturbating with your fingers or vaginal or anal penetration during oral sex, from either you or your partner. The sixty-nine position is one great solution. Getting yourself directly involved in the heat of the exchange may provide just the right amount of stimulation or distraction you need. I discuss using sexual fantasies and sex toys in the next section; both are fantastic for combining with cunnilingus and getting yourself “over the edge.” More suggestions are included in following chapters, such as using pressure points to increase arousal, or employing the use of sensations like those found in S/M encounters (both discussed in chapter 9, “Tricks or Treats”).

Building Blocks for Great Sex: Masturbation and Fantasy

You can combat sexual fears and worries by taking matters into your own hands—literally. Masturbation is our natural way of releasing tension and boosting self-esteem, and it teaches us sexual self-reliance. It’s a positive, life-affirming practice that can help you cope with depression, doubt, anxiety, and grief. Plus, it stimulates blood flow to the genitals, keeping them healthy.

Many people find masturbation very healing, in or out of relationships. We gals can use self-pleasuring to consciously learn to orgasm, and it is the primary means of learning other ways to get off. It’s the golden key to learning how to orgasm, period! You can teach yourself to come with penetration and with a partner, or you can train your body and mind to achieve orgasms any way you desire. Masturbation feels great, it’s good for you, it can make sex with a partner better, and it can keep you grounded. If you’d like to give it a whirl but haven’t done it in a while (or at all), try the following suggestions:

• Learn your own topography. Read about your anatomy in chapter 3, “Anatomy for Pleasure.”

• Set aside some time for yourself when you have no obligations and some privacy. Treat yourself to something sensual, such as a relaxing bath with a new bath product, a facial mask, or even a sexy new CD.

• Sit in a chair, lie on your belly or back, or even rub a pillow between your legs. Many women first discover masturbation in the bathtub with a firm stream of warm water; you can try this, too.

• Get familiar with your own touch, running your hands all over your torso, breasts, thighs, and vulva.

• Get acquainted with your genitals by touching them, and look at them in a mirror if you can (and if you’re comfortable with this).

• Using lubricant (saliva or store-bought—no oils, please), caress your vulva with your fingertips, taking time to linger in the spots that feel good. Familiarize yourself with the different skin textures and colors, and take note of your favorite spots. Circle your clitoris, massage it from the side, or even pinch it gently with your fingers. But where is it, you ask? It’s within the fold of flesh at the point where your inner labia meet, at the top. Your clitoris might seem like a small fold of skin, or can be as large as a fingertip—or larger. It can be flat, fleshy, or plump. It may be right at the top of your inner labia, and can be between them and your outer labia. Inner labia are the lips that surround your vaginal opening.

• If you want to use a vibrator, set it on its lowest speed and run it over your thighs, pubic mound, and outer labia (on the outside of the vulva). Get yourself in the mood with indirect stimulation, then move the vibe where it feels best. Trust yourself.

• Remember that your goal is to feel good, and if you don’t orgasm it’s okay—you’re giving yourself pleasure, not playing pinball. If you don’t orgasm and you want to, plan on trying again the next day, reenacting the things that made you feel hot the previous time. You will eventually take yourself over the edge.

• If you’d like to learn a different technique for masturbation or orgasm, get yourself aroused—really aroused—with your regular technique and slowly begin to introduce the new behavior. It may not catch on the first few times, but it will as you continue to incorporate it into your pleasure cycle.

• Remember to breathe! Some women tend to hold their breath as they reach orgasm, but women who use Tantric practices say that their orgasms are more intense when they use deep breathing techniques as they masturbate. As you touch yourself, inhale deeply into your belly and imagine the breath going all the way down into your pelvis, then back out.

• Tease yourself. When something feels really good—as in imminent-orgasm good—back off and touch yourself somewhere else, such as your nipples. This prolongs your pleasure and can help you learn to achieve multiple orgasms.

• Don’t be afraid to bring your techniques into your partnered encounters. It may seem a little scary at first, but most lovers will want to know what you like and will think it’s really hot if you show them. Masturbating during intercourse can make for some mind-blowing encounters.

Fantasy

One way to turn any potentially scary sexual situation into a pleasurable one is to fantasize. Suppose your concern is that you won’t be able to have an orgasm from cunnilingus. The next time you masturbate, wait until you’re really turned on and then try fantasizing about oral sex—imagine that your lover’s tongue is doing exactly what your fingers are doing at that moment. Try to see if you can identify the source of your concerns, and when you masturbate, conjure up visions of your partner reveling in the pleasure they are giving you. Use this fantasy to explore what you’d like your partner to do: let your imagination run wild. Be sure to pay attention to the pleasure your fingers bring you in different places at different times, and you’ll be able to more accurately communicate this to your lover.

I often use receiving oral sex in fantasy during masturbation.

Use fantasy freely. Sometimes, your imagination may be all it takes to get you off, and you can just let the ideas in your head go to town. Other times you might want to read erotica, listen to hot audiotapes, or watch erotic movies. Don’t worry about being politically correct, faithful, or having safe sex in your fantasies: that’s why they’re called fantasies. They aren’t real, and your using them to get off doesn’t mean that you want them to come true. Your head is your erotic safe space—don’t worry about what your fantasies mean, or whether or not you are a “pervert.” Don’t make yourself feel guilty about your fantasy of having sex with three strangers. If, however, you really want to act out one of your fantasies, then learn as much as you can about safely making it reality before you attempt anything. Your partner might be willing to try role-playing a hot scenario for you.

One of my biggest fantasies is having someone go down on me while other people are watching.

Getting Connected

Not everyone has the will or ability to masturbate regularly, and feeling disconnected from sex can make searching for desire a confusing, frustrating, and defeating process. How can you get connected to sex when you feel at odds with your body? The following exercises can put you “in the moment” with your sexual self and give your libido a more active role in your life. Try them for up to five minutes a day, every day if possible, or as often as you can. Find a still moment, such as when you wake up in the morning and are lying in bed. Use one of the following exercises, or combine them.

MINDFUL BREATH

Place your hands on your abdomen and inhale slowly. Think about the breath filling your chest, expanding your rib cage, and puffing out your stomach. Exhale, dropping the stomach, bringing the ribs together, and letting the chest fall. On the next inhale, bring the breath beyond your stomach, down into your uterus, filling your vagina and pushing out your vulva. Continue these slow, deep breaths into your genitals, imagining all of your sex organs breathing with you, your uterus and vagina expanding, your inner and outer lips puffing up and releasing. Where your attention and breath go, your energy goes, stimulating and healing your sexual parts.

PRESSURE POINTS

Read the information about sexual pressure points in chapter 10, “Independent Study,” and use them to increase sexual feelings, release tension, and remove sexual blocks.

KEGELS

In Kegel exercises you tense and release your PC muscles, the sling of muscles that run along the floor of the pelvis. Exercising them increases blood flow to the genitals and strengthens the muscles, bringing more sensation to the area and not only making it more likely for you to have an orgasm but actually making your orgasms stronger. To find these muscles, next time you pee, stop the stream of urine in mid-flow: the muscles you use to do this are the PC muscles. Practice tensing and relaxing them in sets of twelve or fifteen as often as you like. Some women find it easier to squeeze when there’s an object in the vagina, such as a finger, a carrot, or a dildo. You can get a metal barbell that is made just for these exercises; Betty Dodson uses it in her therapy sessions and orgasm workshops. See chapter 11, “Sex Resources,” for her videos, books, and Web site, and information on where to purchase the barbell.

Being a Great Lick-ee

Once while my boyfriend was going down on me, I farted! He backed away and we both started laughing. It was embarrassing, but more than that it was funny. At least he knew I was completely relaxed.

Being the recipient of any gift, gesture, or offer of affection calls for a certain etiquette, and something as intimate as oral sex is no exception. So when your sweetie wants to shower your vulva with kisses, there are a few things you can do to be the lick-ee of their dreams.

First, remember to relax. No matter how it goes, you’re both going to enjoy your time together more if you slow down your internal clock and savor each moment of your partner’s affection. You might want to soak in a hot bath or a soothing shower to release tension—and you’ll get clean at the same time, which is the next point. If you’ve had a long day, it’s probably a good idea to rinse off, and doing so will address any cleanliness concerns you might have—another thing that will help you relax. It’s also recommended that you run your fingers through your pubic hair to pull away any strays.

As much as we want them to be, our lovers aren’t mind readers. This means that at some point, you’re going to have to feel comfortable with telling, or showing, your sweetie what you want. In many sex surveys, the number one wish expressed by the earnest cunnilingus performer is for their partner to communicate what she likes—and “having her show me” is always high on the list of turn-ons.