Tracie Peterson (28 page)

After watching Dave leave for work, Deirdre called a neighbor and arranged for Morgan to have a baby-sitter for the day. Morgan was excited because this meant she would get to play with her best friend, Susie. Happily humming and singing, Morgan packed her little traveling case with dolls and dresses and other mementos important to little girls her age and stood ready and waiting at the front door a full fifteen minutes before Deirdre herself was ready.

Deirdre dropped Morgan off with only a minor sense of guilt. She paid up front for the baby-sitting, subconsciously knowing the potential for danger if she kept the money with her. Driving to the casino, she actually argued with herself about what she was about to do.

“This could go very wrong,” she said at the first stoplight.

“But it could go very right,” she added as the light turned green.

And so the argument continued. Right up until she pulled into the parking lot and walked through the front doors to the casino.

“I won’t spend anything more than the five hundred,” she muttered under her breath.
The necklace meant nothing to me, so it’s not like I pawned the family jewels
. But the necklace was an antique from Dave’s side of the family. Morgan would have been entitled to own it one day, and perhaps she wouldn’t have thought it to be so unattractive.

Deirdre cast the thoughts from her mind, determined not to let anything so negative ruin her chances at winning big. She decided her first order of business was to test the waters, so she sat
down to the first dollar slot machine and gave it a try.

To her surprise and complete joy, three red sevens came up and her credits changed to show that she had won one hundred and sixty dollars. Smiling, she pressed the Cash Out button and took her silver dollars to trade for chips. Now she would move on to blackjack and make some serious money. This was all going to work out perfectly. God had surely heard her prayer.

“Deirdre, what a nice surprise,” the dealer said with a winning smile.

“Hi, Jackie,” Deirdre replied, instantly recognizing the young woman. “I’ve come to make my fortune.”

“Well, I wish you the best,” Jackie replied, and with that they began.

Deirdre gave no thought to the bets she made. She brazenly pushed the amount of her previously decided-upon limits and smiled when the money started rolling in. She was on top of the world. Everything was right. It didn’t matter that Dave hadn’t been himself in weeks. It didn’t matter that she’d had to pay for a babysitter in order to sneak off to the casino. It was just too right to be wrong.

At least it was for the first half hour or so. As her chips began to accumulate, Deirdre began to get a little more risky. After all, big bets meant big payoffs.

“Hit me,” she said, staring at the five of diamonds and the three of spades. Jackie’s only visible card was a six. She dealt Deirdre the queen of hearts.

“I’ll hold.” Deirdre’s tone was confident. She felt as though nothing could go wrong now. She would win back enough money to replace what they had lost on the trip and what she’d already gambled away, and Dave would surely feel better about everything.

Jackie finished dealing her own hand and went over. “You’ve sure done good for yourself today, Deirdre.”

“I have, haven’t I?” Deirdre said, pulling her winnings in.

“You want to increase your bet?” Jackie questioned. “I can’t
believe you’d waste luck like this on twenty-and thirty-dollar bets.”

Deirdre nodded. “I think I’ve made enough of a cushion that we could safely increase it to fifty.”

Jackie laughed. “I just hope you don’t break the bank.”

Deirdre laughed too. It felt so good to be winning.

But only two hands later, Deirdre’s luck seemed to change. She lost fifty dollars and then another fifty. Feeling fearful—but not cautious—she placed a hundred-dollar bet in hopes of recouping her loss and coming back to where she’d started. She didn’t have time to count the money on the table, but she knew she’d made up several hundred dollars, maybe even a thousand or more.

She felt her heart pounding as Jackie dealt her a jack of spades and a king of hearts. Jackie’s single card showing was also a king—the king of diamonds. Her second card, however, was the ace of spades.

“Blackjack to the house.”

Deirdre felt beads of perspiration form on her forehead. She wouldn’t think about the money she’d just lost. She had to press on. And so she placed another bet and then another, and soon, instead of decreasing her bets, she increased them. But nothing was working.

With nerves that were raw from the constant anxiety of the game, Deirdre began to get a severe headache.
It’s just a game
, she told herself.
You have to calm down
. But calming down was impossible when she realized she was down to twenty dollars. How could that have happened? Especially after having won one hundred and sixty right off the bat?

“I can’t believe my change of luck,” Deirdre said mournfully.

Jackie sympathized. “It happens to the best of us. But after so many bad hands, you’re sure to start winning again.”

And she did. Deirdre placed the bet and won.

“Look, I’m going to take a little break,” she told Jackie. “I haven’t eaten breakfast and I should get something in my stomach.”

“You’ll probably be in time for the lunch special,” Jackie told her. “They stop that at two, but if you hurry you should make it.”

Deirdre looked at her strangely. Hurry? She glanced at her watch. It was ten till two. She had lost all concept of time. Forgetting her desire for food, Deirdre made her way instead to the ladies’ room and then to the ATM machine. She stood for a long time staring at the machine before making her decision to take out just a little bit of money to put with the forty she now had. But after inserting her card and punching in the code, Deirdre lost rational thought.

If I could just make one more really big win
, she told herself.
Just put down one good-sized bet and walk out of here after one win
. She stared at the screen and saw the request for her to enter the amount of money she desired. The limit was three hundred dollars.

Biting her lip, Deirdre drew a deep breath and punched in the numbers. Three hundred dollars doubled would make back a little of her loss. But what if she took that six and doubled it again? Then she could make up for all the losses and come out ahead. Couldn’t she?

Returning to the table, she beamed a smile at Jackie. “I feel lucky again. Let’s give this a try.”

Deirdre was lucky. She doubled the three hundred with a few quick flicks of Jackie’s skillful wrist.

“See, I told you,” Jackie encouraged.

“I know. I could feel it coming on,” Deirdre replied. “Let’s go one more, then I have to go home.”

But two hours later and one more trip to the ATM, Deirdre had still not left the casino. She had lost it all and now felt that going home was the last thing she wanted to do.
How can I go home? I can’t even remember how much money I’ve just lost
.

She wandered around the casino drinking the last of her soda and feeling as if she were in a daze. A bad dream. That was it! Maybe she was just dreaming.

But as she headed outside and felt the heavy humidity and saw the black, angry sky, she somehow knew that she’d not just dreamed it all. She wouldn’t wake up from this nightmare until she confessed
to Dave and everyone else that she was addicted to gambling.

“Deirdre! What are you doing out in this nasty weather?”

She looked up as she approached her car and saw Elaine Pruitt. Elaine was one of her former gambling buddies.

“Hi, Elaine. I just stopped by for a few quick hands of blackjack on my way home.”

“Silly girl, don’t you know we’re in a tornado watch? They’ve already had a couple of touchdowns in Wyandotte County.”

“Really?” Deirdre questioned, not having the faintest clue about the weather.

“Really,” Elaine admitted. “I was coming to pick up Randy.” Her son worked at the casino, which was one of the reasons Elaine had stopped coming with the gang. The other reason was her rather pompous announcement that she couldn’t afford to spend the money anymore.

Deirdre glanced up at the sky and unlocked her car door. “Guess I’d better hurry home.”

“You could just stick it out here,” Elaine suggested.

“No, Morgan will be terrified. She’s at the baby-sitter’s.”

“How is everyone?” Elaine asked, suddenly seeming to forget about the weather. “You look tired. Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine, Elaine. But obviously I haven’t got time to wax nostalgic. Not with the storm bearing down on us.”

Elaine appeared hurt by Deirdre’s harsh words, but Deirdre didn’t care. She couldn’t deal with Elaine just now. Her mind could scarcely focus on what she knew she had to do.

“I’ll talk to you later,” she finally said and got into the car.

Racing against the storm, Deirdre dodged in and out of traffic and finally pulled into the neighbor’s drive at four-thirty.

“I’m glad you came, Mommy,” Morgan said fearfully. “Susie’s mom said we might have to go to the basement.”

Deirdre helped Morgan buckle up for the short ride home. “We might,” she murmured, not bothering to try to comfort her child. How could she comfort Morgan when she was without such comfort
for herself? She felt numb inside. Surely she hadn’t really gambled away eleven hundred dollars. She mentally counted. She’d gone with five hundred, then took three hundred from the bank ATM and then another three hundred from her credit card. This just couldn’t be happening.

She pulled into her driveway and hit the garage door opener. The door swung up, revealing Dave’s car inside. She pulled in, surprised to find her husband home so early. What should she do now? Would she have to come right out and tell him about the money? Could she find a way to keep it from him?

Morgan hurried into the house, fearful of the weather and the possibility that the tornado sirens might go off at any moment. Deirdre followed at a slower pace, picking up the doll case Morgan had hastily forgotten.

“I won’t say anything unless I have to,” she said aloud. “Dave hasn’t been talking much anyway, so hopefully he won’t ask me where I’ve been.”

She walked into the kitchen, where Morgan was being reassured by her father that everything would be all right.

“You’re . . . ah . . . home early,” Deirdre said in a hesitant manner.

“We won our case,” Dave said, putting Morgan down. He smiled at her.

Deirdre felt her pulse quicken. He had actually smiled. Yet, even so, the emptiness remained in his eyes. “Have you heard any updates on the weather? The radio announcer made it sound like the storm is going around us,” Deirdre asked.

“That’s the way it looks too. They said on the television that once this clears out, that should be it for the night. They aren’t expecting anything more.”

Deirdre nodded. “That’s good.”

She turned away, unable to make real eye contact with her husband. “So what do you want to do for dinner?”

“Why don’t we just have something delivered?” Dave suggested.

Deirdre swallowed hard. “I could just fix us something,” she offered. “I have stuff on hand.”

“Nah,” Dave replied. “I’ve been too hard to live with and I’m trying to make amends. I know I’ve been griping about the money, but things are looking up.”

Deirdre was awash in guilt. She could hardly stand the thought of what she’d just done. How could Dave ever forgive her, when she couldn’t forgive herself?
Oh, God
, she prayed,
what have I done?

Chapter 24

Ashley stared out the window absentmindedly. The barren flatlands of eastern Colorado stretched out to the right of the interstate.
Barren and empty, just like me
, she thought. “I don’t know why you’re bothering with me,” she told her twin as they drove north on I-25.

Brook shrugged. “I figure it will do us both some good. Besides, you can’t spend the rest of your life in bed.”

“You try losing a child and having a hysterectomy and then tell me I shouldn’t be depressed,” Ashley snapped.

Brook winced and Ashley tried not to be affected by it. She couldn’t figure out why Brook even cared. Ashley had been nothing but ugly and insensitive since her sister had flown in from New York three days ago. Worse still, she had no intention of changing.

“I know you’re hurting, Ashley. I know that I can’t begin to understand. But I love you and I care about you. I want you to get past this. I want you to remember the good things—the things you still have going for you,” Brook said as she exited off the interstate.

“I wish Jack would have remembered to leave us the key,” Ashley said, feeling strangely tense about stopping by the clinic.

“It won’t take but a minute,” Brook assured her.

They drove in silence to the clinic. Ashley felt a restlessness overcome her. Why was it that every time she was anywhere near the clinic, she felt herself coming undone? She hadn’t even felt this way as they passed by the spot where the accident had been. Yet here she was, feeling almost panic-stricken.