Until I Love Again (13 page)

Joey opened the car door and stepped outside to stretch his legs. There were tight knots in both of them and in his shoulders. He swung his arms to loosen the muscles. How must Susanna feel if he felt this tense as he waited? Susanna would have to sneak out of the house and find her way through the fields. She wouldn't come by the road. That would be too obvious. He should have chosen a closer spot, Joey chided himself, but he hadn't dared. As usual Susanna bore the heaviest end of this deal, but it couldn't be helped.

“Joey.” Her soft whisper made him whirl about.

“Susanna?” he called back.

Her form slowly became visible. Her breath came in short gasps. He reached for her hand.

“You did come!” Joey opened the car door. “Sit inside until you catch your breath.”

She shook her head and then leaned against his car. “This is fine. I'm just…well, I had to hurry.”

Joey glanced toward the Miller home, where a low light burned in a window. He couldn't remember whether it had been there before.

“I'm so sorry about this,” he said. “Were you seen?”

Her fingers clung to his. “No. Oh, Joey, it was such a relief to hear from you. I…” Her voice trailed off.

Joey stepped closer. “I care about you, Susanna. I hope you know that, and that I'm worried. What is going on?”

Susanna dropped her gaze. “I can't tell you, Joey. Or rather, I'm ashamed to tell. There are things…” She stopped again. “Oh, I wish that everything could go on the way it did before. I lie awake at night in bed and hear the music in my head. I can hardly stand it, but what else can I do?”

He hesitated. “Has something else happened?”

She bit her lip. “I can't say what's wrong, Joey.
Daett
committed a horrible sin…and I never knew.”

He regarded her for a moment. “This sounds like riddles to me. Can you tell me what he did?”

A tear trickled down her face. “No, Joey. My people are still my people, and I will bear their shame with them.”

“What shame? I still don't understand.”

She looked away. “Can't we speak of something else? Just hold me. Whisper to me that everything will be all right.”

He opened his arms and pulled her close. “Whatever troubles you, I'm here,” he said. “Shall I take you home with me? You can
stay there for a few days, and we'll find you an apartment after that. Mr. Kenny will give you your old job back. You don't have to live like this, Susanna.”

She looked up at him. “If only, Joey. If only I could, but there is…” She buried her face in his chest. “Oh, I can't say it. I'd lose even you, Joey…”

He reached up to hold her hand. “You're talking in riddles again. Please tell me what happened, Susanna.”

She wiggled out of his arms and glanced toward the house. The light was burning brighter now. Or was there another lamp in the window? Joey couldn't tell.

“They'll be looking for me soon,” she said. “I thought I heard
Mamm
stirring in the bedroom when I went out the washroom door, but I couldn't wait and look. I can't climb the roof the way my brothers can.” Susanna gave a little laugh. “Breaking a leg would have been a real disaster, on top of sneaking out to see you.”

“The only disaster will be if I don't see you again,” he said.

She shook her head. “I don't think I can. Don't you see how my life is?”

“No, I don't see,” Joey said. “I wish you would tell me, but since you won't…or can't…just know that I'm here, and that I'll always be your friend.”

“I have to go now.” She turned her gaze toward the house and then back to Joey. “I can't thank you enough for what you brought into my life. I wish it could have gone on forever.”

Joey reached for his belt and unclipped his cell phone. “Here!” A plan raced through his mind. “Take this. Keep it turned off until you want to call me. The battery should last a while. You can call me at home.” He reached in the glove box of his car, pulled out a pen and a pad of paper, and scribbled down the phone number.

Susanna stared at the phone in her palm. “No. I cannot take this.
Mamm
is up, I'm sure, and she will be able to tell by my face that something's wrong. She'll know!”

Joey looked away. Desperation gripped him. Somehow he must stay in touch with Susanna.

He reached back into his car and pulled out a bag that had held his fast-food dinner. “Here. Better yet. I'll get a spare, and we'll put the cell in this bag and leave it under this oak tree. You can come out tomorrow to retrieve it.”

Susanna nodded and then said, “But please don't ever call me. I'd never be able to explain the sound of a cell phone ringing.”

He nodded. “I promise, but don't forget to call me if you need to.”

A smile played on her face. “I promise.”

“Oh, Susanna.” Joey reached for her hands and she clung to them. “Get in the car with me,” he begged. “We can leave and never come back to whatever problem you have here.”

“I can't leave. These are my people.” She pulled herself away, her face solemn. She glanced across the darkened field. “And you don't know everything about me, Joey. I really must go now.”

Joey took a step after her, but Susanna had already disappeared into the darkness. He heard the soft twang of barbed wire in the field along the ditch line, followed by silence. She had left as quietly as she had come. Like a night owl on the wind currents, Susanna could probably see in the dark.

Joey smiled after her, more convinced than ever that whatever Susanna's trouble was, he would see her through it…somehow. He took another glance toward the Millers' house before he climbed in his car and turned the key, the headlights cutting a broad swath across the fields in the dark night.

Chapter Thirteen

S
usanna paused near the barn and looked back over her shoulder. She gasped at the sound of the car engine, and the stream of light that flooded the fields south of the Miller home. Whoever was up in the house would surely see the sudden appearance of Joey's headlights. The chance to slip into the house unnoticed was past. Nor could she claim that she had been out on a midnight stroll.

Susanna watched as the headlights bounced past the house and faded into the distance. She could have gone with Joey but had chosen not to. Now the results of her decision must be faced. Susanna set her shoulders and approached the front porch. The dim light in the house had moved into the living room, so someone was waiting for her. Her heart pounding, Susanna went up the steps and pushed open the front door to see
Mamm
's worried face framed in the light of the kerosene lamp.

“Susanna!”
Mamm
grabbed her arm.

Before she could respond,
Daett
entered from the bedroom and his stern face joined
Mamm
's worried one. “How long have you been out, Susanna?” he demanded.

“Not long.” She dropped her gaze to the floor, but it was a little late for a display of humility.

Daett
's words were clipped. “An
Englisha
vehicle just cut on its lights moments ago south of the house. Does that have anything to do with you?”

Why couldn't you have had some sense, Joey?
Susanna didn't say the words aloud, but she groaned quietly.

“Does it?”
Daett
demanded. “Tell me the truth. Why were you out at this hour of the night?”

“I went to meet Joey,” Susanna whispered.

Mamm
gave a little shriek, and
Daett
reached over to slip his arm around
Mamm
's shoulder.

Mamm
held the kerosene lamp off to the side with one hand and clung to
Daett
with the other. “Oh, Ralph, how could this happen?”

Daett
held
Mamm
close and whispered, “My sins continue to haunt us. I'm shamed beyond words, and I pray this will end soon. If not, I will have to go out of the house dressed in sackcloth and ashes.”

“A lot of
goot
that would do us.”
Mamm
let go of
Daett
and pulled out a handkerchief to dab her eyes. “It's time you dealt with this daughter of yours. I've tried to stay hopeful and think the best, but this is too much.”
Mamm
let out a loud cry and handed the lamp to
Daett
. Without a backward glance she fled toward the bedroom.

Daett
and Susanna stood motionless, as if frozen in place. Was this all her fault? How could it be? She had not chosen an
Englisha
woman for her mother. That had been
Daett
's choice, and he was the one who had kept the truth hidden for so long.

Susanna gave
Daett
a quick glance. What horrible thoughts these were.
Daett
wanted nothing but the best for his family, yet only moments ago she had clung to Joey with desperation. Susanna stared at the darkened hardwood floor. Oh, the horribleness of it all! She was being torn asunder by these conflicting emotions, and there was nothing anyone could do about it—she least of all.

Daett
finally broke the silence. “We should sit and talk.” He
lowered the lamp onto the desk. “Come.”
Daett
took Susanna's hand, and together they sat on the couch.

Her whole body stiffened.
Daett
's lecture would be long, and her heart would be torn into smaller pieces. Why did all of this have to happen to her? Had the Lord no mercy on her situation?

Daett
's voice caught. “I loved your
mamm
, Susanna—that is, your
Englisha mamm
—as I love you. The Lord forgive me, but I did.”

Susanna drew a long breath and looked up into
Daett
's face. Had she heard right? The words finally came. “Then why did this happen to me and you? Why did she die? Why are we not together?”

Daett
winced. “You should know the answer to that question, Susanna. You have been brought up among the people. The Lord does what He does, and He does not ask us for permission.”

“So my real
mamm
had to die so things could be made right for us?” The words were bitter, and Susanna looked away from
Daett
's face.

Daett
hung his head. “I don't know the answer to such things, Susanna. I am a simple man. I wish that Mindy could have lived and married me here in the community. But she chose not to.”

Susanna looked again at her
daett
. “So it was the Lord's will that I be raised in the community. That's why
Mamm
had to die?”

Daett
shook his head. “If you had been raised by Mindy, the Lord would have watched over you. But you were not. So this is His will, and you should not fight it, Susanna.”

“And is this the Lord's will, that I lock myself away in marriage to a man I do not love?”

Daett
met Susanna's intense gaze. “So this is what troubles you—marriage to Ernest? But it must not. Any woman can learn to love, and Ernest will be kind to you. He will hold you close to his heart and cherish you. His two small children will fill your days with fruitful labor. You are not being locked away. You are being given a new
life. Your heart should be filled with gratitude for the patience the community has with you and with me.”

How could she forget that point? The whole community held itself together somehow. What affected one affected them all. She had always relished the closeness, but now the weight of the community bore down on her until she couldn't breathe.
Daett
's voice broke into her thoughts. “Susanna?”

“
Yah
?” Susanna didn't look at him.

Daett
placed his hand back on hers. “I know I speak difficult words to hear, but the truth will set us free, bitter though they sound.”