Until I Love Again (14 page)

Susanna was tired. What could she possibly say that would make any difference? What could she say that didn't sound defensive or accusative? Finally, she said, “I had best go to bed.” Susanna stood, but
Daett
pulled her back down.

“We haven't solved anything tonight, have we?”

“Did you expect us to?”

Daett
paused for a moment. “I'm sorry that my faults continue to follow me. In this I must again admit my error. I have been too easy on you these past years. I know that now, and yet my heart still struggles. What am I supposed to do?”

“You're asking me?” Susanna stared at him. “Am I supposed to agree to anything while I'm torn apart on the inside? I need some time. This is all too sudden for me.”

Daett
shook his head. “On that you are wrong, Susanna. We should baptize you next week and have your wedding the week afterward, but that's not possible. More time will not help you. Still, I understand your desire for what cannot be. I, too, once dreamed of things that lie out there, or rather of bringing those things into the community. What a fool I was. I thought I could take an
Englisha
woman as my
frau
. I asked Mindy if she would marry me, but she told me no, that she was not part of my world. How will things
be different with this Joey of yours? He cannot bring our two worlds together in marriage.”

“But he does not mean to,” Susanna protested. “We have said nothing of marriage. We are only friends.”

A brief smile played on
Daett
's face. “In this you are not wise, daughter. The man loves you. Trust me. That you do not love him gives me what little hope I have. The Lord has left your heart open for a proper man. We must take advantage of the situation before it's too late.”

Susanna sighed. “Too late for what? I have no plans to jump the fence.”

Daett
smiled. “Mindy was a
goot
woman, Susanna, just as this Joey is probably a
goot
man. The problem is that Mindy wasn't meant for me, and Joey isn't meant for you.”

“Just one more thing then. How did
Mamm
die?” Susanna asked.

“Toxemia,”
Daett
answered without hesitation. “Why she didn't go to the hospital sooner, I don't know. Or why her…”
Daett
stood and paced the living room floor in front of Susanna. “No,”
Daett
muttered. “I've been there a thousand times before and I will not go there again. I did what I thought was right. Mindy did what she believed was right, and so did everyone else. I will go mad if I continue to question the past.”
Daett
pressed his fingers into his forehead and sat down again on the couch.

Susanna reached over for his hand, but
Daett
pulled away.

“I'm sorry,” he said. “I should not have said what I did just now. These regrets are understandable, but they are not from the Lord.”

“I do not blame you for wishing you were married to Mindy,” Susanna whispered.

Horror filled
Daett
's face. “Susanna, no! I did not mean that! I'm torn, that's all. I was speaking out of my worry over your situation and my blame for it.”

But
Daett
did mean it, Susanna told herself. Tears filled her eyes at the thought. How different life would have turned out if
Daett
had married her real
mamm
, Mindy. Had her
mamm
been so heartbroken that she had ignored her own health needs? Had Mindy loved
Daett
more than she dared admit? Why else had all this happened? But if Mindy and
Daett
had stayed together, Susanna wouldn't have brothers—Henry, James, Noah, or Tobias. Oh, it was all a horrible, confused mess.

“Come!”
Daett
's voice broke into Susanna's thoughts. “Enough has been said tonight. Too much, I'm thinking, but I am tired of these secrets. Perhaps it's best if the heart finally speaks and the Lord sorts all these things out.”

“What will you tell
Mamm
?” Susanna motioned toward the bedroom with her hand.

“I will tell her we must all pray about this,”
Daett
said. “Only the Lord can help us. But in the meantime, we will work on getting your heart ready to love, Susanna. You must marry Ernest. There is no other way.”
Daett
's face glistened with intensity.

Susanna looked away, numbness filling her whole body.

“We must get to bed,”
Daett
repeated. “The work doesn't stop tomorrow just because our hearts are troubled.”

The tears stung again as Susanna clung to
Daett
's arm on the short walk to the bottom of the stairs.

“Try to get some sleep,”
Daett
whispered in her ear.

“
Yah
, you too,” Susanna whispered back.

They parted at the bottom of the stairs with a quick hug. The bedroom door squeaked behind them, and
Daett
shooed her on with a quick wave of his hand. Susanna took the steps in the darkness, each board familiar and dear. How many times had she climbed these stairs since her childhood? This had always been home; she had never thought otherwise. To leave home for what was not home,
even with Joey at her side…could she make that choice? The question tore at her heart, and Susanna pushed it away. She couldn't think anymore tonight. Once she reached her bedroom, the door across the hallway opened a small crack. Susanna stopped short. No face was visible, but she could see starlight through the window on the other side. Had Henry stayed up to question her?

Susanna waited, but it was Noah who whispered, “Where were you, Susanna?”

“Don't burden your mind about it,” Susanna whispered back. She approached the door, and it opened wider. She reached inside to find Noah's tousled head, and she pulled him close.

“But I worry about you,” he said.

Susanna pressed back the tears. “
Yah
, I know. Just pray for me, Noah. And now, go back to bed.”

Noah obeyed, and Susanna closed the bedroom door behind him. She choked back a sob and hurried into her own room to bury her face in the pillow under the heavy bed quilt.

Chapter Fourteen

O
n Thursday morning, Susanna came downstairs in the early morning hours. The men had already left for the barn. She had waited until she heard the washroom door slam before venturing out of her bedroom. Susanna set the kerosene lamp on the table and watched the flicker of its flames play on the kitchen wall. Her mind wouldn't focus from lack of sleep, but that was her own fault. She could have gone to bed early like the rest of the family, but bedtime was a dreaded event of late. Sleep wouldn't come, and when it finally did come, it was filled with troubling dreams of what might lie ahead of her.

But that was also her fault. She had retrieved the cell phone Joey left from under the oak tree the very next morning after they had met. The knowledge that she could now call him anytime she wanted only increased the pressure. Already she had been tempted to call just for a chat, in hopes that hearing Joey's voice would lift her spirits.

Mamm
's soft steps behind her jerked Susanna out of the daze.

“
Goot
morning,”
Mamm
greeted her. “You're still not sleeping well, I see.”

“
Goot
morning,” Susanna muttered back. She busied herself with the breakfast preparations.

Feelings between her and
Mamm
hadn't been
goot
since the night she had gone out to meet Joey. What
Daett
had told
Mamm
of their conversation she didn't know. Whatever it was,
Mamm
had become more guarded around her. The tension was high. She found herself longing for her old job at the DeKalb Building Supply, where people talked to each other without issues between themselves. She even missed the ride to and from work. The silence had been peaceful then.

Maybe she even missed her daily exchange with the
Englisha
people. Maybe because she was herself half-
Englisha
? That thought had never occurred to her before
Daett
's startling revelation. That stain seemed permanent now, even if she said the marriage vows this fall with Ernest. She would always be half-
Englisha
in an Amish world, and if she jumped the fence, she would be half-Amish in an
Englisha
world.

“You should try to accept your lot in life, Susanna,”
Mamm
said softly, as if reading her thoughts. “Rebellion against the Lord's will only causes more trouble.”

“Sorry,” Susanna whispered. “I'm just trying to sort through some things right now. Believe me, I'm not after more trouble.”

“You only have two choices,”
Mamm
said. “To follow the Lord's will, or to go your own way. The only right choice is to submit to the Lord's will.”

“
Yah
, I know,” Susanna said. “I'm trying, but it's hard when you aren't really sure—”

“Well, to help you be sure,”
Mamm
said, “Ernest is dropping off his girls for the day so you can spend some time with them. Get to know them and let them get to know you too.”

Susanna turned to stare at
Mamm
.

“Don't you think that's a
goot
idea?”
Mamm
asked. “You have to
come out of your confused world, Susanna, and begin to walk on the road the Lord has shown you. This will help.”

“Ernest is dropping off his girls? Without asking me?”

“
Yah
,”
Mamm
said. “This will do both of you a lot of
goot
, but especially you. I liked the idea right away when Ernest asked me after the Sunday service if he could bring his girls over for the day. Think about it for a moment, Susanna. Isn't it time you see more of the man and his
kinner
? You will be his
frau
by this fall, and you need to act more like a woman about to be a wife and an instant
mamm
. Besides, the way you've been acting isn't right. The Lord can't be pleased with your actions. You have so much you could be thankful for even with the trouble you're in, but instead you choose to pout and ignore everyone around you.”

Susanna looked away. “I'm not trying to be difficult, and I want to do what is right. It's just that I don't know. Marrying a man I don't love seems like getting in even more trouble than I'm in now.”

“I've told you a hundred times, you
will
love him,” Mamm declared.

Susanna sighed. It was no use. “Well, if I'm going to have the girls for the day, let me at least take them somewhere for a while. I need to get out of the house for a few hours. Anywhere.”

Mamm
looked up. “Okay, I'll give you this much. You can take the girls for a buggy ride before lunchtime. That should be safe.”

“Oh,
Mamm
,” Susanna groaned. “Why must you be so hard on me? It's beginning to seem like a prison here in my own home.”

Mamm
turned around to face Susanna. “You lost my trust when you went out the other night to meet that
Englisha
man. When you begin to show us that you plan to make the right choices and serve the Lord, then maybe we can let up a little.”

Susanna winced. “Do you have to be so sharp with me,
Mamm
? I'm hurting, you know.”

Mamm
's face softened a little. “I know I can be harsh, but your
daett
has treated you like a
bobbli
all your life, and it's time it ended. If you had been made to face things earlier in life, maybe we wouldn't be in this mess. Instead,
Daett
let you run around all over the county like a loose hen, and of course you ended up consorting with
Englisha
people. What did Ralph expect, considering…”
Mamm
gave Susanna a meaningful look. “You did have an
Englisha mamm
, Susanna. The truth is the truth. I told the man this often, but
Daett
has a stubborn mind. Just like you. Now look where his leniency has gotten us. I say it's time for someone with some sense to be in charge, which is why I'm thankful for Ernest. I told the man on Sunday that he needs to handle you with a firm hand. He wasn't sure about that since he's so taken with you, but I'm saying it. It's time you changed your attitude toward Ernest. You need to start giving him some encouragement before he changes his mind. I know for a fact there are two widows in the district who would take the man's marriage offer in a snap. And here you are, with the man's heart in your hand, moping around like there's a funeral ahead of you.”