Waiting for Perfect (26 page)

I bring my voice under control.
 
“Dad?”

I see a single tear roll down his cheek.
 
I have never seen the man cry in my
entire seventeen years.

I ask again.
 
“Dad, are you going to answer me?”

When he doesn’t, I laugh.
 
It’s the only way I can handle this situation without
completely falling apart.
 
I can’t
believe his nerve.
 
“Ha, fine.
 
You’ve lied to me my entire life. You
told me my mother was dead.
 
Well,
you
’re dead to me now.”
 
I hit
the glass again.
 
I wish I could
hit him.
 
“You can rot in here for
all I care!”

The officer places a hand on my shoulder.
 
“Alright son, I’m going to have to
escort you out of here.”

I push his hand off me.
 
“Don’t bother.”
 
I look to my dad one last time, but he refuses to look at
me.
 
“My father and I are done.”

I slam the phone against the wall and storm out of the
room without a backward glance.
 

“That was the last
time I saw him
.
 
The next month was torture.
 
I drank even more than usual, got into even more fights.
 
I was almost arrested for assault.
 
My anxiety was through the roof, and I
was getting panic attacks all the time.

I had enemies.
 
I still have enemies.
 
Before I left, there was this guy who
wanted me dead.
 
It was best for me
to leave.
 
With the track I was on,
I probably would have been killed.
 
I stayed with Ricky until Maria sent money for me to get to
California.
 
I didn’t take a damn
thing from my house except some clothes in a backpack.
 
I didn’t want anything that would
remind me of my asshole father.
 
Just
a backpack and the Mustang.”

The thought of it
now seems ridiculous.
 
My aunt must
have felt obligated to take in an angry teenage boy with nothing but the
clothes on his back.
 
I realize at
this moment what a burden I must be for her.

I look over at
Kendra.
 
She’s been silent for my
whole story.
 
She looks like she’s
about to cry.
 

“Oh my God,” she
says.
 
“I can’t believe you had to
go through that.”
 
She’s quiet for
a moment, as everything I’ve told her rolls around in her head.
 
“Are you okay?
 
I mean, holy shit!”

I’ve never heard
her cuss before, and it sounds so cute coming off her pink, pouty lips.
 
I smile despite the circumstance.

“Okay, nothing
about what you told me is funny.
 
What are you smiling about?”

I stop walking, and
once she does too, I turn to face her.
 
“You’re just cute when you cuss.
 
That’s all.”

She pushes a strand
of hair behind her ear and looks at the sidewalk.
 
The sun has fully risen now, and somewhere in my head, my
conscience is telling me we need to get ready for school.

“So now you know my
secrets,” I say with a smirk, hoping that she won’t totally reject me.

Her eyes meet mine,
and she says quietly, “Thank you for telling me, for trusting me enough.
 
I won’t tell anyone, Sebastian.”

I smile at her, a
bright grin that shows off my dimple.
 
“I know you won’t.”

 
“Are you okay?” she asks.
 
“I’m sure you miss San Antonio.”

“I miss my
friends.
 
I miss Ricky.
 
If I had to be brutally honest with
myself, I miss my dad.
 
I miss how
things were before he was arrested.
 
Sometimes I wish he never even told me about my mom.
 
Sometimes, I think it would be easier.”

That vertical line
appears between her eyebrows, letting me know she’s worried about me, even if
she isn’t saying so.
 
“You know
what this means, right?” she asks.

I shake my head and
give her a weird look.
 
“No, what?”

“This means your
mom is still alive, Sebastian.”
 
Her eyes get wider, and I can see on her face the instant she gets her
big idea.
 
“We can find her!”

KENDRA

I’m trying to keep
walking, trying to match his pace as he continues telling me about his
parents.
 
I need to sit down.
 
I feel my heart racing, breaking, crumbling
apart.
 
It feels wrong.
 
All of this is so wrong.
 
Sebastian is such a beautiful person
– inside and out.
 
He doesn’t
deserve any of this.

He mentions
something about secrets.
 
I know
I’ve got some of my own, so I thank him for trusting me with his.
 
Then he says something about his mom.
 
His mom!
 
Instantly, I know exactly what we need to do.

“We’ve got to find
her!” I shout.

He looks at me like
I’m a crazy person.
 
“I don’t think
so.”

“What?
 
Why?
 
She’s your mother, Sebastian.
 
She is probably alive somewhere in Texas, thinking about you
every day.”

He chuckles and
starts walking.
 
I trot up
alongside him to keep up.
 
“Seriously.
 
We could find
her.
 
The internet.
 
We could find her, Sebastian.”

He picks up his
pace and avoids my eyes by pulling up his hood.

I pull on his bicep
to slow him down.
 
“Sebastian,
please.
 
Stop for a minute.”

He slows down but
still doesn’t look at me.

“What could
happen?
 
It’s worth a shot.”
 
I try to convince him.
 
How could he not want to find his
mother?
 
He must have a zillion
questions for her.
 
He’s been
keeping this to himself for five months. He’s had plenty of time to think up
every question in the book.
 
“You
must want to find her.”

He stares into the
street.
 
Cars whizz by on their
morning commute, but all I see is him.

Finally, he looks
at me, and I can see how scared he is.
 
I’ve never seen his eyes like this before.
 
He searches my face like he’s trying to find answers that
I’m sure aren’t there.

I try a smile to
encourage him.
 
“She’s out there
somewhere, Sebastian.
 
Aren’t you
curious?”

God, I hate the
look in his eyes right now.
 
They’re filled with endless pain.
 
He puts both palms to his face and rubs hard.
 
I think he’s trying to keep from crying.
 
I wouldn’t blame him if he did
cry.
 
He needs to let out all the
hurt he’s been carrying around with him for months.
 
I can’t believe he hasn’t told this to anyone.
 
He’s been suffering all by himself, but
he won’t be anymore.
 
I’m
here.
 
I’ll help him any way I can.

I step closer.
 
I want to pull him closer and comfort
him somehow.
 
I see moisture
gathering in his eyes.
 
He rubs
them with his thumb and forefinger and laughs again.
 
I know he doesn’t find any of this funny.
 
I know he is a man who is trying to act
tough, and laughing is his way of deflecting the seriousness of the situation.

He’s quiet for a
moment, and then his face falls again.
 
His dark eyes are pools of agony.
 
“She doesn’t want me, Kendra.
 
She left us.
 
What if she
doesn’t want to be found?”
 
A tear
escapes his eye, and he wipes it away quickly with the back of his hand.
 
“God, I’m such an idiot.”
 
He backs up and turns away from me.
 
I can tell he’s wiping his eyes again.

I walk up slowly
behind him and put a hand on his shoulder.
 
“Hey.
 
It’s
okay.
 
It’s going to be okay.”
 
I don’t know what I’m saying.
 
I don’t know if it’s going to be
okay.
 
It feels like my heart is
crumbling.
 
I can’t imagine what
he’s going through.

When he turns back
toward me, there are more tears.
 
He doesn’t dry them this time.
 
He’s letting them trickle out softly.
 

“I feel like a
freaking baby crying in front of you.”

“Don’t.”
 
I put my hands in his, and he wraps his
fingers around mine.
 
“You’ve held
onto this for a long time.
 
It’s
time to get it out.”

He smiles through
his tears.
 
“I guess you finally
know why I had all those panic attacks.”

I smile back at
him.
 
“Yeah.
 
I guess you’re a pro.”

He lets go of my
hands and pulls up the bottom of his sweatshirt to wipe his face.
 
When I can see him again, some of the
pain is gone.
 
He stands closer to
me and studies my eyes.
 
The whole
world is going on around us, and he and I are frozen in this moment, standing
on the sidelines, staring at each other.

Finally, he says,
“Come on.
 
We’ve got to get home,
or we’ll be late for school.”
 
It
seems like there are more words that need to be said, but we both step forward
in silence.

We walk a little
ways together until we have to part toward our separate houses.
 
He and Nick live close to me, and I
don’t know why, but it gives me comfort to know they are just around the corner.

“I hope things get
better with your parents,” he says, pulling down his hood.

I let out a chuckle.
 
“I hope things get better with
yours.”
 
My problem with my mom is
nothing compared to Sebastian’s parents’ story.

The corner of his
mouth pulls up into a slanted grin.
 
“Thanks for listening, Kendra.”

“Any time,
Sebastian.
 
You can talk to me any
time.”

He’s about to walk
away but stops.
 
“Hey, Kendra?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you ever
decide what to do about Morgan?”

I hate this
question because I don’t know the answer to it.
 
I keep going back and forth if I’m going to press charges or
not.
 
It’s been over a month, and
at this point, it might just be easier to let the whole thing go.
 
I know that’s not what Nick wants me to
do, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through with all of this.

“I don’t know yet.”

He doesn’t get into
it with me like his cousin would do.
 
Instead, he gives me a small smile and a nod, agreeing to let me have
time to think about it and come to my own decision.
 
For that, I am grateful.

I reluctantly start
walking toward my house.
 
After
about thirty seconds, I look back so I can see him one more time.
 
He hasn’t moved.
 
He’s standing at the street corner, watching
me.
 
I smile, and even from this
distance, I can see that dimple appear on his cheek when he smiles back.

My mind is
reeling.
 
I’m honored that he
opened up to me.
 
That must have
been so hard for him to do.
 
I
couldn’t believe it when I saw him running this morning.
 
I had needed to get the hell out of my
house to clear my head.
 
I’ve had
too much going on, trying to deal with Ryan Morgan, and my mom being even more distant
than usual.

Frankly, I was mad
at Sebastian.
 
I had given him more
credit than to hook up with Megan.
 
She’s kind of a skank.
 
Yeah, yeah, she’s supposed to be my friend, but the truth is she is kind
of a skank, and I didn’t want her skanky hands all over my Sebastian.
 
Yes,
my
Sebastian.
 
When I
saw them together, it enraged me.

He’s too good for
her.
 
He’s sweet and kind and
always looks at the positive side of everything.
 
Megan just wants to use him for a night and discard him.
 
When I saw them together, I had thought
he wanted the same thing from her.
 
So seeing him at dawn was not exactly my idea of a happy start to my
day.
 
But he told me he’s not into
Megan like that, and I believe him.

Now, he’s trusted
me with his story, and I’m drawn to him even more.
 
I saw the man cry, for Pete’s sake.
 
I bet no one’s ever seen that side of
him – the vulnerable side.
 
Not the cocky, show-off player, but the real person underneath.
 
The
real
Sebastian.
 
Shit, I’m in
trouble.
 
He’s the kind of guy that
could shatter my heart without even trying.
 
Am I ready for that?
 
Am I ready to risk my heart?
 

When I get home, I
take a quick shower and get dressed.
 
It’s slightly cooler today, which thrills me because that means I can
finally wear my new skinny jeans.
 
I
don’t have time to blow dry my hair, so I pull it back into a wet braid.
 
I smear on some mascara – because
my mom will know immediately if I’m not wearing any – and swipe some
gloss over my lips.
 
When I grab my
backpack and head out the door, my mom screams something about a protein shake,
but I don’t have time for breakfast.
 
My talk with Sebastian this morning has made me late for school, and
that’s perfectly fine by me.
 
I
wouldn’t trade it for the world.

After totally
lucking out and finding a close parking spot, I rush to Calculus and make it to
the door just as the bell rings.
 
Lexi
is there in a royal purple sweater and white denim skirt.
 
She’s wearing my favorite boots, and I
am so happy that it’s finally getting to be boots and sweater weather.

“Cutting it kind of
close, aren’t we?” Lexi says with sarcasm.

I glance at her
while getting my books out of my bag.
 
“Yeah, I…overslept.”

I feel Nick’s eyes
on me, and when I look up, he’s turned in his seat and flashing me a sweet
smile.
 
He’s got a thick, leather
cuff on his arm that almost entirely covers his tattoo.
 
I return a smile, remembering the
afternoon we shared yesterday.
 
It
was wonderful getting to know Nick better.
 
I actually had a lot of fun – until he brought up Ryan
again.

Calculus passes
quickly.
 
All I can think about is
Sebastian and what he told me about his parents.
 
I wonder how much Nick knows.
 
I’m thinking, from what Sebastian told me, not very much.

When the bell
rings, Nick jumps from his seat and heads out the door.
 
It’s not like him to take off like
that.
 
He doesn’t even say
goodbye.
 
I wonder where he’s going
in such a hurry.
 

Lexi tells me Troy
asked her to the homecoming dance, and I’m ecstatic for her.
 
She’s been in love with Troy
forever.
 
I’m so happy that things
are working out with them.
 
They’re
perfect together.

She wants me to ask
Sebastian, so we can all go together.
 
I don’t think I’d feel comfortable asking anybody, especially him.
 
Plus, I’m not sure if I want to be with
Sebastian.
 
I still think he’d break
my heart, and I’m not sure I could handle that.
 
I need someone who’s safe, maybe someone more like
Nick.
 
Someone who is strong and
gentle.
 
Someone I won’t be scared
to give my heart to.

The next two hours
pass slowly.
 
My mind is consumed
with the Veneto cousins.
 
When
lunch finally arrives, I walk to my locker to put some books away.
 
The hall is unusually quiet.
 
There are no other students
anywhere.
 
I wonder if everybody’s
eating lunch somewhere already.

I’m putting my
books away when a hand slams into the locker next to mine.
 
I jump back, dropping a few books to
the ground.
 
The crash echoes down
the empty hallway.