Wired for Love (15 page)

Sleeping and Waking Together

In my experience as a couple therapist, partners who routinely make plans to meet each other in bed at night or to put one another to bed (whether or not they cosleep) and who routinely wake together report much more relationship satisfaction than couples who do not. Let’s look at some examples of how this can work.

Transitioning in Sync

Rebecca and Vince are in their mid thirties and have two young children. Similar to Noah and Isabella, both are hardworking, pulling a dual income to keep up with a mortgage, huge health insurance premiums, and other expenses that keep them worried about the future. Unlike Noah and Isabella, they don’t have extended family to help out, and they can’t afford daycare or babysitters. Rebecca works out of the home, and Vince works at an office six out of seven days. Prior to marriage, Rebecca was more of a wave and Vince more of an island. However, within a couple years of marriage, their secure, skillful way of relating helped them both become anchors.

Despite their stressful lives, the couple are resolute about nighttime and morning rituals, both for the children and for themselves. They work together to put the children to bed, and afterward enjoy watching television, talking quietly about their day, or making love. Although Rebecca often is tempted to step into her home office to check for late-night e-mails, she resists unless a crisis is occurring in her work. When this does happen on occasion, Vince is understanding and usually makes a point of waiting up for her. About once a week, Vince has to get up extra early for a meeting at work. Rebecca likes to get up with him, even though she doesn’t need to and he hasn’t asked her to, so they can share a cup of coffee before he leaves. She finds she appreciates the early start on her own work day. At other times, she forgoes the coffee and heads back to bed for another hour after he leaves.

Rebecca and Vince often lie quietly in bed just before sleep, gazing into one another’s eyes and then gently sending one another off to sleep. At other times, they take turns reading to one another each night, and alternate selecting the books they will enjoy together. They like to create and experiment with new bedtime rituals, as well. For instance, for a while they made a point every night after turning out the lights to express their gratitude. They thought of all the people who had touched their lives, both living and dead, naming them one by one and wishing each well. Sometimes either Rebecca or Vince fell asleep before finishing the list. No matter. Both saw this ritual as a way to transition into sleep, and they liked that it helped them feel connected not only to one another, but also to the people in their lives.

The couple awaken together and always make a point of lounging together for several minutes before taking care of their morning chores, including waking the children. Sometimes they gaze into one another’s eyes upon waking, as they did prior to sleeping. Even though their days are busy, both feel energized by their time together at these crucial transitioning periods, and feel connected and hopeful about their day apart. They launch each other into the day and land together into the night.

Early Birds and Night Owls

Things are relatively easy for Rebecca and Vince because their rhythms are naturally similar and easily in sync. But what about couples with conflicting rhythms? It may require more effort and compromise, but such couples also can benefit from shared rituals.

Carrie and Marcia have opposite sleep patterns. Carrie is a night owl, and Marcia is an early bird. Carrie admits she is an island and always has been. She also believes, and is probably correct, that Marcia is an anchor.

Marcia worries about Carrie and her health. She notices how overtired she is during the day and that she tends to eat high-carb foods right before going to sleep. Carrie insists these habits suit her well, although she would rather Marcia stay up with her and watch TV. Marcia’s internal clock doesn’t allow her to stay up; she starts to fall asleep almost precisely at 9:30 every night. Marcia also doesn’t like to be woken at night, and she begs Carrie to be quieter when she comes into the room after Marcia has fallen asleep.

Carrie sometimes gets irritated that Marcia can’t stand sound or light in the room at night. Carrie wants to be next to Marcia at night, and would prefer to turn on a small nightlight and read whenever she has trouble sleeping. But out of concern for Marcia, she avoids doing that. Instead, Carrie made it her habit to slip out of bed, tiptoe out the door, and look for other activities downstairs. She might check online social network sites; eat fatty foods, particularly ice cream, which she adores; or watch movies into the wee hours of the night. Often when she finally went back to bed, Carrie would feel anxious and disappointed in herself.

Then one night, by chance, Carrie discovered something interesting. She was extremely tired after participating in a company sports event and went to bed early—even before Marcia. Marcia finished her normal bedtime routine and went to bed half an hour after Carrie. As she fell asleep, she gently stroked Carrie’s back. The next morning, Carrie awoke refreshed and noticed she had not woken up during the night. As an experiment, she tried going to bed early again later that week, with the same results. Having fallen asleep before Marcia, while in bed with Marcia she was able to sleep through the night, without late-night eating or television watching or any of the other activities she later regretted.

Carrie’s late night activities had developed because, without realizing it, she felt abandoned by Marcia. It hadn’t occurred to Marcia that Carrie needed to be put to bed. Marcia had good sleep habits from childhood, such as going to bed at a similar time each night and getting a full eight hours of sleep, but Carrie did not. Despite Carrie’s lifetime as a night owl, she became a converted early bird. As an added bonus, both Carrie and Marcia could enjoy the mornings together. Moreover, Carrie started working out before going to work, and lost weight because she was no longer snacking at night. Sleeping together and waking together brought Marcia and Carrie closer than they were before.

Early birds often come from families of early birds, and night owls tend to come from night owl families. Their respective clocks were set during infancy according to their mother’s clock. Nevertheless, it is not impossible to train themselves to switch species, or at least to meet one another midway, especially when the future of their relationship is at stake. Training can include several days of light exposure at night for the early bird, and several days of light exposure in the early morning for the night owl; in other words, give your partner a little time to adjust to either staying up longer or getting up earlier before you expect him or her to be fully functional during those times.

Partners who wish to forego the effort to change their internal clock can simply accept one another as night owls and early birds, and use this difference for their mutual benefit. For instance, the night owl is more productive at nighttime and can perform mutually beneficial tasks, such as the family bookkeeping or preparing school lunches for the kids, at night. Likewise, the early bird has more energy during the morning hours and can take on some of the couple’s morning tasks, such as driving the kids to school. Even so, night owl / early bird couples can, and should, open and close their days together with simple rituals.

Exercise: A Week of Ritual

Set aside a week during which you can experiment with creative launchings and landings. Make sure your partner is on board with the idea. You can say that you will be taking the lead, and all he or she needs to do is be available, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

Here’s how it works.

1. You can select any week of the year as your ritual week. However, you may want to avoid a week during which one of you has a business trip scheduled or another atypical event that might interfere. Choosing an average week will make it easier to subsequently apply what you discover.
   
2. During the week, land and launch together. Think about what your partner might enjoy. Perhaps include some activities that will be new to you as a couple. I’ve suggested a variety of rituals in this chapter that you may want to try. But please don’t be limited by my suggestions. Get creative!
   
3. Let each ritual be a surprise to your partner. Sometimes the element of surprise adds fun and excitement to a relationship.
   
4. At the end of the ritual week, compare your experiences. Which rituals did you each like? And why? What did you learn about yourself and each other? Decide together which rituals you would like to incorporate into your relationship on an ongoing basis.
   

Approach this as an experiment, but without critiquing each other. Pay attention to how each ritual affects both of you. Better sleep? Better dreams? Better day?

Separations and Reunions: Another Kind of Launching and Landing

In addition to the act of waking up each morning, separating from your partner—whether to go to work, school, or wherever—can be thought of as a type of launching. You and your partner launch each other away from the relationship and into the nonrelationship world. How you do this can affect the amount of energy, confidence, and support you feel while you are away dealing with your parents, your coworkers, your kids, a job interview, a college final, and so on.

Similarly, much like going to sleep at night, reuniting with your partner after a separation, even a brief one, is a type of landing. It represents your return home. Remember, the couple bubble
is home. Home is
the partnership. How you land and reunite affects the couple bubble and each other’s well-being in the home.

How are launchings and landings handled in your relationship? At the moment of separation, do you embrace your partner for longer than a second? Do you gaze into your partner’s eyes? Or perhaps you simply run out the door. After the separation, when you reunite, do you embrace and gaze briefly into your partner’s eyes. Or do you take the reunion for granted and carry on as if the two of you hadn’t been apart at all?

Remember Noah and Isabella, who did not share morning and evening rituals? Because she is an island, Isabella doesn’t feel she has missed anything when she leaves in the morning without a proper launching ritual. Noah, on the other hand, complains about feeling listless while at work and lacks confidence in his interactions with others.

When Noah picks Isabella up at the airport, he grabs her luggage and races to the car; then they hurry home. He makes no effort to spend time face to face with his partner. Her airplane may have landed, but she and he have not. Because this couple don’t reunite properly, they inevitably fight in the car. It doesn’t matter what the fight is about; the truth is that it is a consequence of failing to attune to one another upon reunion. You might argue that they have something to argue about, and that’s why they fight. But I would remind you that our primitives respond to threat cues faster than we can determine whether the threat is real. In this case, the threat is simply the failure to take the time to re-attune after a separation. We aren’t talking about large amounts of time. If Noah were to initiate a few minutes of together time, I guarantee they could save themselves hours of fighting.

Now remember Rebecca and Vince, who enjoy morning and evening rituals. These two also pay close attention to their separations and reunions. For example, they do what I call the Welcome Home Ritual. When either returns home at any time of day or night, both seek each other out before performing any other tasks. They greet each other before greeting the children, pets, or guests in the house. They embrace and hold each other until each feels the other relax. Because it’s easier to feel tension in a partner’s body than in one’s own body, they use this to their advantage. Rebecca points out to Vince any places of tension she detects upon greeting him so he can make an effort to release them. Vince does the same for her. Only after completing their welcome ritual do they go about their business. Not only they, but everyone in the household benefits from their attunement.

I have seen many couples diffuse or resolve many conflicts by simply taking seriously the need for launching and landing rituals. We take too much for granted when it comes to separations and reunions, and pay the price for not understanding the natural human imperative to make and continually remake secure connections with our most important others. Don’t take my word for this. Check your own launchings and landings. Play with them. Perform them properly, and then improperly or not at all. Compare the difference. Experience for yourself.

Exercise: The Welcome Home Ritual

Today (or tomorrow) when your partner comes home from work, take the time to fully greet him or her. If you look into each other’s eyes, keep looking until each of you can see your partner’s eyes focus and soften. Don’t stop until you see that happen! If you embrace, don’t let go until you feel the other fully relax. No skimping permitted. It’s not a timed event.

Notice how you feel after this brief ritual. Is your household more peaceful? I’ll be surprised if you don’t find everyone, not just the two of you, benefits: the kids, the dog, the cat, even the fish!

Fifth Guiding Principle

The fifth principle of this book is that
partners with busy lives should create and use bedtime and morning rituals, as well as reunion rituals, to stay connected.

As I’ve stated, this book is less about helping yourself and more about helping your partner. Of course, in a truly mutual relationship, your needs will be met, as well, because both of you will take care of one another. However, the burden for finding opportunities to take care of your partner rests upon you. Two such opportunities are available each day: one at bedtime and the other upon rising in the morning.