12 Good Reasons to Look Up Uranus (23 page)

Lucky tube journey:
Short

Lucky weather:
Fog

G
EMINI

Venus is now in Libra, so romantic developments will be likely for some people with Gemini strong in their charts – particularly for those who have invested heavily in
equipment. An older colleague, perhaps a close friend, may offer you valuable advice on metal fatigue. They will be wise words – heed them well.

Lucky pint:
Light and bitter

Lucky patois:
Jive

C
ANCER

An interesting aspect between your ruler, the Moon, and Mars means that there will be conflict at work with someone in a position of authority. If you could avoid referring to
them as ‘an unrefined nose-picking yahoo’, you will find your future employment prospects significantly enhanced.

Lucky position:
Nose to the grindstone

Lucky lips:
Sealed

L
EO

On Wednesday, the malign influence of Chiron is felt most strongly by those ruled by the Sun. When you pop out to lunch you will accidentally spill the pint of someone so large
that they have their own postcode. The good news is that as you are still fairly spry, you can flee the premises before the looming shadow engulfs you and not have to resort to begging for mercy
while wetting yourself, as usual.

Lucky steps:
Long

Lucky hormone:
Adrenaline

V
IRGO

On the way to the office on Thursday morning, you will be delayed by a road closure caused by a minor collision between a moped and a parked car. Unfortunately, the incident
will be seen as a perfect opportunity for the Motorway Police to conduct vital research on a government initiative to find out whether natural or man-made fibre brooms provide the best means of
clearing broken glass from the public motorway. Do not over-react as you may put the officers off their picnic.

Lucky virtue:
Patience

Lucky language:
Strong

L
IBRA

After nearly three years spent under the influence of ‘Saturn-Uranus’, finally there is some movement in the area of your chart concerning Country Music. So it is
probably best to unpack your chaps and Stetson, as you will be invited to participate in the Smokey Mountain ten-mile sponsored ‘Mosey’ in Lincoln.

Lucky appliance:
The Goblin House-Maid

Lucky pause:
Pregnant

S
CORPIO

Mercury goes retrograde in the area of your chart concerned with cakes and biscuits on Thursday, which means that it’s more likely than not that the canteen will have run
out of cinnamon buns before you get there for elevenses. On Friday you will overhear a plot to overthrow your Chief Executive and replace him with a sack of potatoes. You need not concern yourself
as this has happened twice in the last three years and no-one noticed.

Lucky pen:
Fountain

Lucky reflex:
Yawn

S
AGITTARIUS

There could be some disruption at home this week. You may find yourself inundated with visitors from Minsk, and then discover that a fuse blows or there’s a flood in the
bathroom. The good thing is that you are at your most inventive and can rise to the occasion with aplomb as you received a matching pair of plombs for your wedding anniversary.

Lucky instrument:
Dulcimer

Lucky elbow:
Right

C
APRICORN

An unusual aspect between Venus and Pluto will make its presence felt on Wednesday when your recent hobby involving wild mice and correcting fluid comes to light. Be warned,
the animal welfare people are very persistent and even though you have been using a trap that does not harm the mice, painting white stripes on them with Tippex to make naturalists think that they
have discovered miniature badgers could be seen as animal cruelty.

Lucky cat:
Corky

Lucky treatment:
Worms

A
QUARIUS

Sleep will continue to be a problem this week with Mars entering your seventh house, dropping his change on the landing and tripping over the mat in the bathroom. Fortunately,
by Wednesday this noise will be drowned out by the usual sirens and car-doors slamming until 3am, so you can expect to catch up then.

Lucky metal:
Bismuth

Lucky instrument:
Zither

P
ISCES

On Tuesday, an unusual aspect between Neptune and Jupiter indicates that a defect in your recently purchased microwave means you are transmitting your food rather than heating
it up. However, by careful adjustment, you discover that you can actually receive other people’s dinners instead of buying your own. On Friday, you will have an unruly mob of TV chefs on your
doorstep. Try to remain calm.

Lucky bandwidth:
25.1MHz

Lucky gravy:
Onion

A
RIES

Your natural bonhomie can sometimes get you into unexpected scrapes from which it can be difficult to extricate yourself. Monday evening’s usual quiet drink at the local
pub turns into something of a wild-west-style brawl after an offhand remark kicks off a violent disagreement with the vicar over whether the Earth’s crust puts hairs on your chest.

Lucky window:
Lounge bar

Lucky manoeuvre:
Duck

T
AURUS

Tuesday may be a trying day for anyone with Taurus rising. What you thought would be a simple errand becomes something of a chore after you mishear the original request and
spend all lunchtime looking for a pattern for a knitted barracuda. Communication problems continue to plague you when you overhear a whispered conversation between the Mayoress and the Bishop
during which she admits to preferring the taste of the Coleman’s, without realising that the topic being discussed is mustard.

Lucky scrub:
Apricot facial wash

Lucky exfoliant:
Gravel

G
EMINI

Mercury’s influence is felt most strongly today when a misdelivered internal memo provides a glimpse of the tormented, horizonless landscape that is the HR department. On
a brighter note, you will receive some news for which you’ve waited a very long time – you are to get your own card in the company ‘Top Trumps’ game.

Lucky markings:
Piebald

Lucky tree:
London Plane

C
ANCER

Your peculiarly large consumption of industrial protective clothing is finally your undoing this week. It was only a matter of time before someone put two and two together and
revealed that you have been travelling the country for the last ten years in secret and placing a single red rubber workman’s glove on every roundabout in the country. On Friday, seed-cake
will be on special offer in the Co-Op.

Lucky plea:
Guilty as charged

Lucky fit:
Coughing

L
EO

An unusual trine between your ruler, the Sun, and Uranus means that there is likely to be a bit of a scene at the doctor’s surgery on Wednesday when the takeaway delivery
driver is admitted to hospital after the doctor heard him mention that he had both Chinese thighs and Cumberland ring.

Lucky layer:
Troposphere

Lucky wind:
Prevailing Westerly

V
IRGO

Mars entering your birthsign this week usually leads to an overwhelming urge to do things differently. By all means try some of them out, but make sure you have warmed-up
properly first – you know what your back is like. On Friday, you will discover half-a-kilo of top grade pigs liver in your sock drawer.

Lucky eye:
Private

Lucky pill:
Ibuprofen

L
IBRA

At the beginning of the week, you will have a sudden urge to do something completely different and on a whim fly to Marseilles to join the French Foreign Legion. The good news
is that you will be talked out of enlisting by an unlicensed bullion dealer during a visit to an all-night eyebrow bar, at which you are having an additional pair fitted.

Lucky cap:
Breton

Lucky gesture:
Gallic shrug

S
CORPIO

The focus is now on practical matters. If you are looking for more money or a promotion, the chances are better than they have been for some time. Your recent decision to not
wear your fishing hat and waders in the office anymore will have been noted. Not spinning round on your office chair until you are so giddy that you crash into other people’s cubicles has
also made a positive impression.

Lucky melon:
Honeydew

Lucky adhesive:
Pritt

S
AGITTARIUS

Mars is square your ruler, Jupiter, making sure that, whatever else, this week will not be boring. In fact, things may get just a little too hot on Monday when a disgruntled former employee runs
amok in the accounts department with a flame-thrower. Luckily for you, the Finance Director, who has always had a reputation of something of a wet blanket, proves his true worth.

Lucky extinguisher:
CO2

Lucky escape:
Fire

C
APRICORN

You have particular plans and have been working towards them diligently without much outward sign of success. If you lose your cool on Monday, don’t despair because all
kinds of unexpected and exciting things are waiting for you just around the corner. On Thursday, a vagrant in a duffle coat and stilettos will press an outstanding recipe for date slices into your
hand as you go to lunch.

Lucky feature:
Hazard lights

Lucky taxi driver:
Brian

A
QUARIUS

Some Aquarians found romance last week and for some of you it has seemed that at last you have met your soul-mate. This week reality sets in when you discover the grim truth
that the person you took to be your perfect match was actually only interested in getting hold of your impressive collection of antique prosthetic limbs.

Lucky flame:
Old

Lucky firearm:
Brown-Bess

P
ISCES

Mercury is retrograde in your opposite sign, and not everything is clear to you right now, but Sunday’s aspect between your ruler, Neptune, and Mercury have enabled you
to understand some things better.

Lucky lift:
Fireman’s

Lucky bow:
Recurved

A
RIES

Mars enters your fourth house on Wednesday, indicating that the new HR Director has more draconian ideas about qualifying for staff loyalty bonuses than their predecessor.
Although the Marketing department is initially happy about the prospect of new branding, it’s not until the charcoal brazier and irons make an appearance that people begin to catch on.

Lucky colour:
Burnt Umber

Lucky bridge:
Sydney Harbour

T
AURUS

On Monday, Pluto goes retrograde in your opposite sign. This can only mean one thing: you will finally find someone to teach you the rudiments of the closely-guarded secret
Japanese Coffee Ceremony ‘Kenco’ during which people make a really nice cup of fresh coffee while defending themselves against men in armour who are trying to hit them with sticks.

Lucky spoon:
Dessert

Lucky kettle:
Electric

G
EMINI

An interesting aspect between Jupiter and Saturn on Wednesday indicates that you will have a violent argument with the local delicatessen owner over what he actually meant by
the words ‘would you like to try my sausage?’ whispered to your partner in the waiting room at the bus-station. The words ‘not with a cheese-knife you don’t’ will gain
a new and sinister significance.