Disasterology 101 (31 page)

“I’ve been trying not to wear them when I’m in a safe place.”

“You touched me.” And damn if feeling Cedric’s long, bare fingers on his face hadn’t been wonderful, but it also meant his guy was making progress. Kevin couldn’t be more thrilled for him.

“I know you’re always careful to keep as clean as I need you to be.” Cedric’s words were followed by a delicate shrug.

“Does that mean I’m a “safe place” now?” Kevin wiggled his eyebrows and added quotation marks with his fingers.

“The more I get to know you, the more I trust you to be mindful of my needs.”

Kevin’s heart thumped in his chest, but he couldn’t be sure if he was excited to hear Cedric’s words, or scared to death.

This is too fast... too fast…

“You look like a deer caught in the headlights,” Cedric said, wrapping his legs around Kevin’s waist.

Kevin shook his head, placed his hands on Cedric’s thighs and forced a smile. “Just wasn’t expecting to hear that.”

“Right.” Cedric stuck his hair behind his ear and leaned back, but he didn’t release his hold on Kevin’s waist. “You’re more than a safe place, Kevin.”

Kevin gulped. He could feel something was about to change between them. And he
knew
what it was. But he needed to hear the words.

“Tell me what I am, then.”

Cedric’s gaze was intense, and Kevin couldn’t look away. He didn’t even dare to blink.

Too damn fast!

“My haven,” Cedric said nervously, after a few seconds of lip ring flicking. “Hope you don’t mind.”

That’s a huge responsibility.

He feels safe with me.

Way too soon for that.

Maybe not.

I can’t take on anything else.

Ten hours ago you were committed, but now you’re freaking out?

What if I can’t come through for him?

Oh please. You know damn well you want to be there for him, and you will.

Have too much on my plate.

And some of the best moments of your existence are provided by him.

What if—

Stop. It’s all about the natural progression of your relationship with him. Remember how you weren’t going to stop that?

Kevin gulped, intertwined their fingers, and kissed the back of Cedric’s hand. “I don’t mind one bit, hon.”

“Are you sure?”

Kevin had never heard so much fear in a question. So much hope.

“It’s the God’s honest truth.”

And Lord help him, but he meant it with all his heart.

“Come sit with me, please.”

It wasn’t until Cedric handed back Kevin’s cell phone that he realized they never stopped recording. Their entire exchange had been captured in video, and Kevin knew that was a clip he’d treasure forever.

“You were recording the whole time,” he told Cedric as he sat next to him.

“Brilliant.” Cedric wrapped one arm around his shoulder and pulled softly. It only took three seconds for him to figure out the guy wanted Kevin to rest his head on Cedric’s lap. “Email me a copy of it later.”

A deep sigh of contentment escaped Kevin when Cedric rested one arm across his chest, and used the other to brush back his hair.

He put his phone in his pocket and looked up at the sky. As high up as they were, being out on the terrace felt like hanging out in heaven’s front yard. Cedric had worked with one of Greenbriar’s landscape architects to create his private oasis, and the result was incredible.

Kevin turned his head to take in his luxurious surroundings. He’d been told by Cedric the pool was five feet deep, and was heated year-round. The area around it had an entire wall of floor to ceiling windows that created a fantastic view of the city’s skyline, and matched the penthouse’s design on the first floor. Cedric swam in it every day. It was his favorite activity to keep fit.

But the pool was nothing compared to the calm and beauty provided by the plants and furnishings that created the rooftop garden. Kevin had known places like Cedric’s home existed in the city, but one really needed to see it up close in order to believe such a level of opulence. He couldn’t even take a wild guess on how much money was required to own something like this.

“You’re scruffy today.”

Cedric’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

“I was in a bit of a hurry to find you.” He trapped a few black tresses between his fingers and brought them up to his nose. They smelled lemony. Clean, and refreshing, just like the rest of Cedric.

“I like it.” Cedric caressed his cheek with a thumb and smiled down at him. “You look so butch.”

“Don’t I always?”

“So much more with facial hair, though.”

Kevin knew Cedric loved that he looked so manly. He liked to think it counter-balanced his own more delicate look and mannerisms.

“You know, I’ve been wondering about your hair since I first met you. I couldn’t tell if it was real or synthetic.”

“All mine,” Cedric said with a smile. “I decided to grow it out a few years ago.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“Thank you.”

“I have a theory,” Kevin said after a few seconds, ready to voice some of the thoughts that kept him awake the previous night.

“Let’s hear it.”

“You know…” He twirled Cedric’s hair around his finger a few times before making eye contact with him. “Maybe it was thinking about me spending the weekend at your place that caused you to panic.”

“I wanted you here,” Cedric argued immediately. “I’ve been looking forward to it the entire week. I’ve been preparing.”

“But not dreading it?”

“No.”

“Not even a little bit?”

“
No
.”

“You’ve never cohabitated with a lover before.” Kevin’s reminder to Cedric was tactful. He didn’t want to ruin his mood by mentioning his anxiety attack, but he wasn’t willing to overlook what had happened.

“It’s only two days.”

“It’s an invasion of your personal space.”

“It isn’t an invasion if I invite you.” Cedric frowned, tugged his lip ring and shook his head. “But I’ll discuss your theory with Dr. Black.”

“Are you feeling better now, though? Cause I can go home.” He didn’t want to, but even knowing Cedric would tell him if he wasn’t up for company, it would be really shitty on his part not to offer to leave. “We can try again the weekend after next. I won’t have the kids then.”

“No way,” Cedric said, tightening the hold he had around Kevin’s stomach. “You’re staying.” He leaned down and kissed him so quickly, Kevin barely had time to return Cedric’s kiss. “Right?”

“Right.” Kevin sat up and pulled Cedric’s hand. “You ready to go back inside? I’m freezing my ass off.”

The smile Cedric flashed him was brighter than the sun. It made Kevin believe everything would be fine. It made his heart soar.

“Can I talk you into pancakes?” Cedric asked him as they made their way down to the kitchen. “There’s an orange chocolate chip pancake recipe I want to try.”

“I think you already know there’s not much you can’t talk me into.” Kevin loved Cedric’s cooking, and was always ready to try anything the guy decided to make for them. “But we’re having bacon and eggs, too. And toast. I’m starving.”

“Whatever you want, pet.”

There it was. That word again.

At some point he’d become “pet”, and Cedric had become “honey”. They’d transitioned into more personal terms of endearment, and Kevin had assumed a new role.

He was
Cedric’s
haven
now, and he liked it
.

Kevin cleared the breakfast nook, and washed the plates and utensils as Cedric finished using them. The guy had a state of the art dishwasher, but he insisted everything be washed by hand. The first couple of times Kevin offered to take care of it, Cedric turned down his offer. “You’re a guest.” “I like taking care of you.” “Blah, blah, blah.” Thankfully Cedric relented when Kevin put his foot down and refused to be waited on. It wasn’t his way. He liked taking care of his guy, too. So now they divided the chores.

After breakfast, they grabbed a thick blanket and went back to the rooftop terrace. It was a beautiful day; excellent to lie under the sun and relax from the stress of life and work. That Cedric wanted to do it together made it even better.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

They never made it to the movies. In fact, they didn’t even watch the telly. Most of Saturday was spent shooting pool—Kevin shot, Cedric watched him—talking, mostly about gay civil rights, the relevance of the Queen of England, and the significance of Americans electing an African-American president—barbecuing, swimming, and napping—separately. Kevin was knackered after a rather busy week at work, and Cedric hadn’t fully recovered from his anxiety attack.

Roberto stopped by around three o’clock to check up on him and say hello to Kevin. Thankfully, he didn’t stay for tea and crumpets, which Cedric appreciated, as he wanted to be alone with Kevin. He might still be feeling out of sorts, but he considered his time with his bloke sacred.

Annoying headache aside, he had the time of his life exploring and getting acquainted with the ins and outs of dating Kevin, and not worrying about his behavior. Hanging out and necking was something he never thought he’d get to experience.

For as long as Cedric could remember his existence had been nothing but a series of fears, rituals, and struggles. He’d spent his adolescent years feeling sad and lonely. Needing attention from his family, and reassurance they wouldn’t abandon him.

It wasn’t until he turned sixteen and tried to have some sort of a social life when shame set in. Being around other kids his age made him hyperaware of how different he was, and soon they were all taking the piss out of him. Cedric tried to understand their attitude. He tried not to feel hurt when he couldn’t fit in no matter what he did, but ultimately decided to stay far away from them. He didn’t care for their insults and disorganization, and he didn’t want their germs.

He got a reprieve when he graduated from university. By then he knew the better way to protect his body—and feelings—was keeping to himself, plus he was seeing Dr. Pennell. Therapy and medication had started to work.

Then he’d needed a break from it all.

Dr. Black came highly recommended by Dr. Pennell, and with good reason. The progress Cedric had made after only eight months of treatment with Dr. Black was outstanding, and for the first time in his life he was content. He felt free. He even liked who he was. He accepted himself.

Having a wonderful man in his life had a lot to do with Cedric’s attitude. There was no denying that his new-found confidence and faith in his ability to have a relationship came from Kevin’s support and acceptance.

This made him wonder what would happen if he stopped getting on with Kevin. Would he relapse and go back to being isolated? Bloody scary.

But Cedric wasn’t
getting
attached. He’d been hooked from the moment Kevin looked at him with understanding and acceptance in his eyes and called him “oddball”. And he no longer believed he was better off alone. He liked sharing as many aspects of his life as he could with Kevin. He liked their routine, the things they did together, and he loved being the person Kevin talked to when he felt overwhelmed by his responsibilities.

He hadn’t known much about what happy felt like until very recently, but he was sure the way his heart fluttered at the mere thought of his bloke was it. Only two things stood between Cedric and complete happiness: their less than ideal sexual life, and his temporary residency in America. But he would find a way to work around that. Losing Kevin wasn’t an option.