If Ever I Fall (11 page)

I sigh into his chest and revel in the feel of him, the smell of him. I’m intoxicated by his scent. It fills me with such ease that I want to stay here and never come out.

“What about Christmas? We go to my grandmas every year in Colorado. She has a beautiful cabin out there. You would love it.” He’s getting ahead of himself. I know as soon as I show him my legs and tell him about my family all of this will change.

“That’s a month away Gavin. I can’t… I don’t know what’s..” I don’t know what to say, my heart is heavy as I think about it all. I don’t want to lose him but I know the outcome every other time.

“Stop Laney. I’ll still be here just like this in a month. Is it killing me to not have you naked in my bed? Fuck yes it is but I know that there is something else in that beautiful mind of yours that you’re not ready to tell me yet and until you do, this is good enough for me.”

The tears fall down my face as I let that sink in. No one and I mean no one has ever said anything like that to me. Everything has always been an all or nothing deal and here I have a man that is offering to stay like this until I’m ready? I don’t know what to say or do right now so I cry.

“You don’t know what that means to me Gavin.”  I fist his shirt in my hand as I he runs his hand up and down my back. I’ve never known any of this in my life. I’ve never known what it was to be loved by a man. That isn’t what this is, I know but it feels like it.

“We all have a past Laney. We don’t like to share our secrets with someone else. Whatever it is that you’re not telling me right now, I hope that I can show you that I’m different and you will want to tell me. I can’t force you to do anything but I can let my actions speak for me.” His lips touch my forehead again and I completely melt into him. I don’t think I’ve ever been so comfortable with anyone before.

“Since we are on the subject, I’d like to share my past.” I try to sit up but Gavin holds me in place.

“Stay right here. I want to hold you.” Gavin sighs loudly as I snuggle back into his chest. I don’t know what he’s about to say to me but I’m guessing it’s pretty big by the way he’s tensed up beneath me.

“Years ago I was in love with a girl named, Ashley. I poured every ounce I had into her. We were just starting the band up and she was a god send. She did everything she could to help us out. I don’t know. She changed when we started getting bigger gigs around town. Once we hit a few out of town shows she blew up. She was all over the place, dressing different. She wasn’t the girl I fell in love with anymore. She used me, a lot. I hated it but the way I felt for her, I didn’t care. I just wanted her to be with me for who I was and not what she saw in the future. After I told her I was quitting the band everything changed. She lost it. She went on a rampage, screaming and yelling about how it was her future I was throwing away and everything she wanted was gone. I couldn’t do it after that. She broke my heart the day she packed and left. That’s when I bought this house and tried to move on. A part of me never felt whole so I just used girls for what I wanted. Hell that’s what I did with Jenna. I don’t even like that girl that much.” Gavin grows quite as I take this in. He lost his love and admitted to using girls.

Does this mean he’s using me? He couldn’t be because I’m not giving him anything.

I start to pull away again when he jerks me back.

“I’m not using you Laney. I know what the fuck you’re thinking and that’s not it, not with you. When I saw you on that stage playing with all your heart and soul, it touched something in me. Something that I’ve fucking tried to keep out of our situation since I met you but I can’t. You have something inside of you and I want it, I need it. I can’t explain the feelings I have or why when I’m not near you my chest aches and I can’t breathe. I don’t fucking understand it myself so I don’t expect you to. I just need you to know that if you feel anything towards me I want us to explore it together.”

Hearing him say that after everything else I’ve heard about him just makes me shiver. Brad and Steph have warned me against him from the day I met him saying he’s a user and a man whore but when I’m with him I feel so at ease.

“I do feel things Gavin. My past can’t be compared to yours and I’m not sure I’m ready to share it yet. I feel really bad that you are opening up to me but I can’t do it back, not yet.” His hand never stops running up and down my back as we lay here together.

“I know. I told you I’m not going anywhere. Except to piss because if I don’t go now, you’re in for a flood.” Laughing I sit up to let him up.

“That’s really gross.” I make sure I point that out as he smiles at me. Suddenly, I’m not feeling so good.

“Oh my god.” I throw my hand over my mouth as bile rises and I rush to the bathroom.

Slamming the door closed I lose it. Of all times to get sick this would be it.

“Way to be cute, Laney.” I mumble before I stick my head back into the toilet.

                                  
 
Gavin

“Hey, tell mom I probably won’t be over for dinner.” I pull on my jeans as I balance the phone on my shoulder.

“Why the hell not? She will fucking lose her mind man.” Sean can be the most annoying brother when he wants to be, now is one of those times.

“Laney’s been barfing for 4 hours dude. I’m taking her to the hospital, the girl looks half dead.” I’m not lying either. She looks like hell and hasn’t been able to drink anything.

“Damn. You get her pregnant?” Sean laughs into the phone and I want to punch him in the face.

“No dickhead. Just tell mom will you?” I set the phone down on the bed while I pull my shirt over my head.

“I will. Let me know how she is, I’ll call Steph too.” Well isn’t he all helpful.

“Thanks douchebag.” Clicking the phone off, I slide it in my pocket before pulling my jacket on.

I walk across the hall where I put Laney in her bed after her last round hanging in the toilet. As I walk in I notice how pale she really is and it’s only been a few hours. She must go down fast.

“Come on sweetheart.” I start to roll her up in her blanket when she moans.

“I don’t want to go Gavin. I’ll be fine.” Her lips are dry and she looks like hell, yeah, she’s going.

“Well, I don’t think you look fine. Actually you look like you died twice so shut up and hang on to me.” I lift her rolled up in her blanket and head towards the door.

“This is stupid I hope you know.” She mumbles under her barf breath but I don’t listen.

“No, you are dehydrated and you need some medicine.” Carrying her is like carrying a damn feather, there is nothing to her.

I slam the front door closed as we step out into the frosty night air. It sure the hell is cold out here tonight.

Laney’s head rests against my chest as I walk towards the truck. Setting her in the seat I hurry around and climb into its warmth. Good thing I came out and started it earlier, we would be freezing right now.

“Here, in case you need it” I set a bucket in her lap as she tries to smile over at me.

“You brought me a bucket?” She looks so horribly cute right now. I never thought a sick girl would be so adorable but she is.

“Yeah, I didn’t want to be cleaning vomit out of my truck all day.”  Her little smile fades as her eyes drift closed. I wonder if she was always like this.

The drive to the hospital doesn’t take long and I’m glad for that.

I park and pull Laney out and head inside to the nurses desk.

“She needs to be seen.” The nurse nods and passes me a clipboard. Let me just stick that up my ass!

Walking over to the waiting room I sit Laney in the seat next to me and look at the forms. This shit is ridiculous.

I fill in what I know before I have to ask Laney.

“Hey babe, do you have insurance?” Laney shakes her head no so I fill it in. I’ll take care of the bill. Shaking my head, I can’t believe I’m thinking that already.

“When was your last menstrual cycle?” Laney’s head pops up and I can see her trying to laugh before she grabs the bucket. The poor girl heaves but nothing comes up.

“Did you really ask me that?”  I guess that was a weird question but damn it it’s on the paper.

“Fine, we’ll skip that one. Any surgeries?”  Her eyes grow huge when I ask that question. She doesn’t move or answer. What the hell is wrong with her?

She looks almost relieved when they call her name to be taken into the back.

Laney starts to stand when I scoop her into my arms.

“I can walk.” She rolls her eyes as she looks up at me. That has to be the most annoying thing ever yet so cute when she’s sick.

“So can I. Shut up.” Smiling back down at her I follow the nurse through the doors and into the room.

“Just put this gown on and the doctor will be in shortly.” I set Laney on the bed before her eyes widen.

“I’ll go out. You want me to come back after you change?” Relief floods her little face and I don’t know why. This has to be the strangest moment ever.

When she nods my heart picks up. At least she wants me to come back.

I watch her pale, beautiful face for a second before I pull the door closed behind me.

What is this girl doing to me?

                            
 
Laney

If I had anything in me I would have lost it when he asked me about surgeries. I’ve had 6 to be exact trying to fix the burns on my legs. I couldn’t tell him that though.

I was relieved when he went out so I could change but a part of me felt badly. I want to tell him but I just can’t, not yet.

I lay in that hospital bed for hours with an IV sticking out of my arm before they let me go home. Gavin sat there the whole time either rubbing my hand or putting a wet cloth on my head. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Now that I’m back in my bed on a bunch of medicine for a stomach virus I feel slightly better, although the medicine makes me dizzy.

“Scoot over barf.” I smile as Gavin kicks off his shoes and climbs on the bed.

“What are you doing? You have a Thanksgiving dinner to get to.” Gavin climbs under the blanket before leaning against the headboard, grabbing the controller.

“I’m not going. I told Sean before I took you to the hospital.” Looking over at Gavin, he doesn’t seem fazed at all. He flips the TV on and starts channel surfing.

“You have to go it’s your family.” Gavin sighs before looking over at me, his eyes sparkling.

“I’m hanging out with you barf. It’s just food; it’ll be there for days. We can have leftovers when you feel better.” Leaning in, he kisses my forehead before he turns back to the TV.

I don’t turn away from him though, I can’t. He would give up his Thanksgiving dinner to hang out with me? The girl whose been barfing all night? Why would he do that?

“Stop staring at me. It’s weird.” He chuckles lightly as he flips channels.

“Why would you stay?” It comes out as more of a whisper than anything but he heard me.

Gavin doesn’t answer. Instead he wraps his arm around the back of my neck and pulls me into his side. I lay my head on his chest and relax.

“What kind of movie do you want to watch?” Rubbing my arm with his hand soothes me in way I didn’t know it could. He makes me feel so many things that I don’t know how to explain it.

A tear slips free before I can stop it. Gavin looks down at me as I try to hide my face from him. He grips my chin and raises it so I look at him, wiping the tear away.

“Why are you crying?” He talks to me in such a soft voice I almost lose it. How do I explain this to him?

“No one besides Steph has ever been this nice to me. I never had anyone.” I can’t finish. Sobs choke me and I have to stop or I will explode.

“Things change Laney. I’m here now.”  I snuggle back into Gavin’s side as he flips to a movie.

“Since you didn’t answer I’ll go with porn.” Slapping him in the stomach, he laughs before changing the channel again.

“Thank you for all of this. You shouldn’t miss your families Thanksgiving though.” Gavin’s hand continues its run up and down my arm.

“Shut up and watch the movie.” His joking voice makes me smile. I didn’t think I would like someone telling me to shut up as much as I like it from him.

We lay in silence for a long time before I realize he’s asleep next to me. His chest rises and falls beneath my head and I can’t stop listening to his heart beat.

Thump thump. Thump thump. The rhythmic sound is soothing and calms something inside of me.

Thoughts float through my head of when I was younger and I wonder what it was like for Gavin to grow up with his mom. From what I’ve heard his dad left when they were little and they haven’t talked to him in a long time. He has aunts and uncles and cousins.

A pain in my chest from missing my brother, the one that I never really knew has always been there. He was so little when he died that I barely remember him at all. Bits and pieces, that’s all I have.

I remember my mom though. I always thought she was the most beautiful woman alive. She had long brownish blonde hair like me with big brown eyes. She was perfect or at least I thought she was.

I never knew what they did in the basement when I was little I just knew that we were left alone a lot of the time. It hurt not having parents growing up and maybe that’s why I am the way I am.

Afraid of being alone was never an issue; it was the fear of never being able to love again. When I lost them all the love I had for others seemed to die with them. I loved Mrs. Shaffer but that was a different kind of love. I loved her for taking me in and trying to do what was best for me.

I don’t know if I can love. Maybe it isn’t even possible anymore.

                              
 
Gavin

I wake up to the harsh light streaming in through the bedroom window. So much for movie night.

Looking down I see Laney is still asleep on my chest. She looks so peaceful lying here. My hand finds its way up and brushes a strand of hair away from her face.

Laney stirs slightly but I don’t want her to wake up just yet. I stretch over and grab my cell of the table next to me before sliding it on. Getting the camera pulled up, I lay my head closer to Laney, sticking my tongue out at her before I snap the picture.

Shit! I forgot the flash was on. Laney stirs again opening her eyes before I drop the phone next to me.

“Morning beautiful.” Laney grumbles before she looks up at me smiling.

“Morning. Did you stay in here all night?” Laney stretches as I nod my head.

“You didn’t have to.” Sitting up, her long hair spills down her back. I want to reach out and grab it and drag her against me.

“It wasn’t really a choice. You did use me as a pillow.” Suddenly embarrassed she tries to hide her face. I climb up on my knees moving in front of her cupping her face in my hands.

“I was playing. I didn’t mind being your human pillow. How are you feeling?” When her eyes come to meet mine there’s a new shine to them. I don’t know how to place it but it’s there and it’s perfect.

“A lot better. Thank you.” I brush my thumb over her bottom lip and watch her eyes close. I wish I could show her just how beautiful she truly is.

“Stop thanking me. I wanted to be here. But I have a thousand messages asking if we want lunch.” Laney giggles before I move to climb off the bed.

“I think I would like to eat. I feel like I’m starved.” I stand at the end of the bed when I notice Laney’s pajama leg is pulled up slightly. I see scaring there but I don’t comment or stare. I wonder if that’s why she always wears pants. That shouldn’t bother her though, it’s only a mark.

“Yeah? Ok, I’ll go get ready and we can go.” As I turn and start to leave the room Laney stops me.

“Hey Gavin.” I turn back around to look at her before she speaks again.

“I really do appreciate you doing all this.” With a small smile and a nod, I turn and close her door behind me.

Walking into my room, I turn my shower on and wait for it to warm up. I look at myself in the mirror and I almost don’t recognize myself. I look happy again. That’s something I haven’t been in a long time. I’ve always felt lost after Ashely but now I don’t see that and it surprises me.

As much as Laney has touched in me I still can’t stop myself from wanting her. My dick is rock hard as I step into the warm shower. I let the water cascade around me before I grip my dick in my hand. This girl has me all in knots but I want to respect her.

I stroke myself up and down as I lean against the cool tiles in the shower. That face of hers when she was asleep float through my head. Fuck, I want her so damn bad I can taste it.