If Ever I Fall (13 page)

“You didn’t do anything Gavin. I need to go.” Taking a step to the side, I pull her back. I can see I’m pushing her limits by the look in her eyes. I don’t care though; I need to get through to her.

“You have been pissy for weeks Laney. I don’t know what the hell I did but I’m sorry.” I try to lower my voice but hell; she is making this hard on me too.

“I’m going to be late Gavin. Some of us can’t live off mommy’s money.” I’m taken aback at the way she’s talking to me. She has never said anything like this to me before.

“What did I fucking do to you?” Getting louder by the second, I know this is going to end badly. Before that can happen I know I need to walk away. I know my temper.

“Fine. If this is how you want things around here, FINE! I try, Laney. I’m fucking trying here but you want to keep your head in the past there is nothing I can fucking do!” I let go of her arm before I walk past her and walk into my room, slamming the door behind me.

I need to cool off but I don’t know what the hell I did! I run my hand through my hair as I pace the floor in front of my bed. She has been so off lately but I don’t know why. She closes me out just like she did when we first met.

I thought we made progress but I guess I was the idiot in this relationship.

I hear soft knocks on my door but I can’t do that shit again. Instead I sit on the edge of my bed and wait for the knocking to stop.

I pull my cell phone out and look at the screen. I don’t know what to do and frankly there is a part of my heart that aches in my chest.

Laney has meant so much to me and I want so much more of her but breaking through her past is turning out to be harder than I thought. I’m not a quitter though.

“Hey Sean. You have any free time today?”
  I might as well talk to my big brother about it. He has some good ideas at times. Besides, he has been through this with his own girlfriend.

“Lunch at Billy’s Café?” 

“Yeah, I need to talk.”

“Everything ok?”

“No man. I feel like I’m being crushed.”

“Girl troubles, brother?”

“Heart troubles!”

“Haha. Meet you there.”

“Hey, thanks Sean.”

“Anytime.”

I sneak around the room like a teenager about to sneak out of the house. I feel like a complete idiot but I didn’t hear the front door close so I don’t know if she left or not.

I don’t want to have another altercation like the first one. I know something needs to change though or this shit isn’t going to work out.

Pulling my boots on, I crack the bedroom door open and peek out. Laney’s door is closed as it was earlier.

I don’t see her so I make a beeline to the front door.

The fresh air hits me in the face as I rush towards the truck. I used to love the winter but this year it’s breaking me. She’s breaking me.

                               
 
Laney

My whole mood shifted after we came back from his moms. I thought I would enjoy the whole family aspect but once they all started coming around I felt a little out of sorts and annoyed.

I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t but I can’t control what I feel. I don’t even know why I’m feeling it!

“Are you ok?” Anna, our main music teacher sits next to me at my small desk.

“I will be. Just having roommate issues.”  Anna smiles but she knows there is something else but thankfully she doesn’t push the issue.

I go about my day as usual when I get a text. Sliding my phone out, I smile when I see its Steph. I have really missed her lately.

“Please please please meet me after work. I want to show you something.”

“Is it a hot guy?”

“No, wait what? You have a hot guy.”

“No I don’t”

“OMG what did the bastard do. I told you he was no good.”

“It wasn’t him, Steph. It’s me.”

“Leave work early.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can. You’re sick. I’ll pick you up in 20.”

I thought about replying to her but I know it won’t do any good. Steph makes her mind up and you just follow along.

“Anna, do you mind if I head out? I think that stomach virus is lingering.” Putting on my best fake sick face, I feel like shit for doing this.

“No, go ahead. I thought you looked off. Feel better.” She looks over and gives me a sympathetic smile as I pack up my things and head for the door.

Stepping outside I walk towards the parking lot, thankful that I don’t have to take a cab home today.

I take long deep breathes as I feel my world crumbling around me. I should have known better than to get involved with Gavin but I’m an idiot. I need to end this before anything gets worse.

A car honking its horn has me turning to see Steph pulling in.

Once I’m in her car the inquisition starts.

“You want to tell me what the hell is going on? Sean called Brad and Brad called me. Gavin is a mess from what I hear.” Since when did she take Gavin’s side? Nice friend.

“Wait, you told me not even an hour ago that he was an asshole.” Looking over at her she rolls her eyes.

“What’s going on with you two? Did you tell him?” I shake my head but I don’t want to look at her. The same pity shit is always on her face and I don’t think I can control myself today.

“Then what?” Sighing, I turn to look at her.

“Steph, he has a huge family. He has cousins and aunts and uncles. I have nothing. He took me to meet his mom for fucks sake. What do I tell them? Oh, my parents were meth heads that killed my brother and themselves, nearly killing me?” My voice cracks as the realization sets in.

“Are you kidding me Laney? You are fucking throwing away another guy over your stupid past?” That’s easy for her to say. She has the perfect past with the perfect family.

“The same guy you told me to fucking stay away from. He’s an asshole remember? He’s a player that will just use me like the others. Those were your words Steph.” Crossing my arms over my chest I feel sick now. I don’t know what to do with myself but subjecting Gavin to my fucked up past and my even more fucked up body isn’t going to happen.

“Brad said he’s different. He hasn’t even been to the clubs or anything since you moved in. Maybe I was wrong about him.” Hearing Steph admit she was wrong throws me. She has never admitted anything like that before and it surprises me now.

“I don’t think you were. I think I was the one that was wrong. I wasn’t ready to look for someone else when I found him. I messed up. Now the question is how do I fix it?”  Steph is quiet for a few minutes as we drive, that surprises the hell out of me too. She never closes her mouth.

We pull into a small café and climb out of the car.

“We eat. That’s how we fix it. We eat and I support my best friend.” Steph puts her arm around me pulling me into her side. I missed this closeness that we shared when I lived with her. Lately I feel like we have drifted apart.

We walk inside and head to a corner booth before I drop into the seat.

“Now, what can we splurge on? Milkshakes? Chile fries!” I smile over at my best friend. Steph has a heart of gold and she knows how to cheer people up but this is my fault.

“What do I do Steph?” Tears fall before I can stop them. I hate this feeling of helplessness and fear. If I ever had feelings for a man, that man is Gavin.

                             
 
Gavin

Walking into the café my eyes instantly find her. It’s like a fucking magnet pulling me to her wherever she is.

Her little face is red and tears roll down her cheeks. I want to go to her, to hug her, tell her everything is going to be fine but I don’t know if I believe that anymore. I can’t compete with the past or these damn walls she throws up around herself.

“What’s up baby brother?” Sean’s hand lands on my shoulder before he follows my gaze.

“Oh shit. Does she know we’re here?” I can’t speak, I just shake my head. How can she choke me up like this?

“Come on.” Sean drags me towards the opposite corner of the café before shoving me into the seat.

“Talk. Why the hell is she over there crying? What did you do?” First question as usual is what did Gavin do. I love how everyone always thinks I’m the fucking bad guy.

“I didn’t do anything man. She fucking blew up at me this morning.” Scrubbing my hand across my face I try not to look at him. I don’t want to see the look he’s giving me.

“So you did do something?” I meet Sean’s eye this time and he must be able to see the fear in my eyes. Yeah, it’s a damn fear all right, fear of losing her.

“You really care about her don’t you?” Sean’s voice softens and so does his look. Where the hell has he been the last couple of months?

“Yeah Sean. Do you think I would let some girl fuck me up like this if I didn’t?” He nods his head in understanding. No one has had my stomach in knots the way Laney does.

“It fucking physically hurts me Sean. When she pulls away from me, I feel sick man. I feel like the whole world is crushing down on me. My stomach knots up when she leaves the house for work. If she isn’t home by a certain time, my chest tightens. I don’t know man; I’m losing my mind here.” Sean chuckles which pisses me off.

Here I am spilling my fucking guts like a damn girl, sharing my emotions and shit and the asshole laughs.

“I didn’t realize I was a comedian fuck face.” Sean doesn’t stop laughing. I can’t deal with this shit too.

Pushing up from the table I stand before Sean snaps.

“Sit the fuck down. You want to know why I’m laughing? You fucking love that girl, that’s why. I feel the same shit. You need to tell her how you feel.”

Oh Christ help me. Here we go with the feelings shit again. I’m pretty sure if I share any more feelings today, I am going to have to wear a dress and paint my fucking nails.

“You know what, I have tried. She has built every fucking layer back up around her. I don’t know what the hell I did. I haven’t slept with anyone, hell I’ve been jerking off since she got there! I don’t fucking go out, I try to hang out with her.” Sean throws his hand up as he scrunches up his face in a confused look.

“Wait, you haven’t fucked her?” Out of all the shit I’m saying THIS is what he picks up on? Great brother, even better listener.

“No Sean. If I was fucking her I wouldn’t be fucking my hand in the shower!” Scratching at my chest, he is working what little nerves I have left.

“Well. I don’t know that I have words for that.” The smug bastard. I want to slap the shit out of him.

I push away from the table one last time and make my way towards the door.

“Gavin come on. Don’t leave me hanging. GET IT?!” He laughs behind me but I keep walking. Maybe I should talk to my mom. God help me with that thought crossing my mind.

As I start to make it to the door I slam into someone. No, not just someone. I know this feeling, this touch.

I look down at a blotchy faced Laney before I tighten my grip on her. This kills me and she doesn’t even realize it.

“We need to talk.” Looking her in the eyes, she shakes her head.

“I can’t do this Gavin. I’m sorry.” She tries to pull out of my grasp but I can’t let her do that. We need to fix this. My heart can’t handle her walking away.

“Don’t do this to me Laney.”

“What do you want from me?” Laney screams so half the restaurant can hear her. I know we have an audience now but that shit doesn’t bother me.

I grip her shoulders a little tighter than I need to but I want her to listen to me.

“I want you to stop fighting this. I want you to open up to me. I don’t know what the fuck you’re afraid of but I want to make it better. I want all those damn walls to crumble around you. I want you Laney!” Shaking her shoulders with every word, the tears sting my eyes. Who the hell knew I had all of that bottled up inside of me.