Instant Orgasm: Excitement at First Touch (15 page)

She can tell me to feel more. She can say that she is going to go faster or use more pressure or whatever. In this way I do not have to worry about whether she knows what she is doing. She can tell me that she knows she could squirt me in five strokes but is not going to, or that she is going for the final peak now. She can say things like “I’ve got you,” “You are under my control,” and “I can take you whenever or wherever I want to.”

A woman can find out if her guy is a leg man or a breast man or a butt man. She can play with fantasy and tell him that she is squeezing his penis between her thighs or against her breast or, if he likes feet, that she is rubbing his penis between her feet and calves. One time, while a woman was giving me pleasure, she said that she was going to rub my cock between her thighs and finish me off with her calves. This really made me go higher in intensity and enjoyment. Whatever it is that turns your man on can be used to produce more fun and pleasure.

If she thinks she would enjoy it, she can even do these things while she talks about them, such as rubbing his penis with her calves or thighs or breast. Sometimes the mere suggestion of something is as good as or even better than the activity itself. The fantasy may be difficult to actually perform, may be im- practical, or may be less fun than the suggestion. For instance, if a woman has razor stubble on her legs, the act of rubbing her guy’s penis between her calves will not be as pleasurable for him as the suggestion of doing so.

Through the power of imagination, you can even bring other people into the sex act without having their actual bodies in the room. Sometimes when Vera is pleasuring me she may bring up the name of some other woman whom she knows I find sexy and talk about having that woman do things to me.

Words are incredibly powerful tools, and boosting one’s skill at communi- cating in bed will make the difference between being an okay lover and being a fantastic one.

Y Asking for What You Want Z

It is so important to know what you like and to have the communication skills to ask for it to be done exactly the way you want it. You can enjoy surrender- ing yourself to the whim of your partner and letting them do as they see fit, but lovemaking is even more fun for everyone if partners can express their specific desires. For instance, if you feel extra sensitive today, let your partner know. If you want to be touched faster or slower or harder or whatever, even if you have already trained your partner, ask for it in a polite way, as we outlined in the sections on training your partner.

Here’s a simple example of the importance of clearly communicating one’s desires instead of beating around the bush. Vera and I were coming home from a long day’s outing, and she asked if I wanted to go upstairs first or get the mail. I said I’d like to go upstairs first. Then she said she wanted to get the mail first, which caused me to feel in some small way like I’d lost. Instead of asking me what I wanted and then overriding it, she could have just said that she wanted to get the mail before going upstairs, allowing us both to win. This situation didn’t carry much charge, of course, but it’s that much more im- portant to ask for what you want in a sensual or sexual setting because of the

heightened vulnerability many of us feel when we’re in bed. Our conditioning against doing so is quite strong, so being able to speak one’s desires straight- forwardly and with ease takes deliberate practice and intention. It is not easy to do in everyday life, and it is even more difficult to do in bed.

Y Connecting the Brain to the Genitals Z

We recently met a very attractive and appealing woman in her late thirties. She told us she’d been easily pleasured in her youth but a few years ago had a boyfriend who used way too much pressure during oral sex. It hurt a lot and caused severe bruising. The experience caused her such severe mental trauma that she didn’t want to engage in any kind of sexual activity for over three years. The boyfriend obviously did not know what he was doing to her, and she did not tell him to stop as soon as it felt bad, which was right away. As a result, her resistance caused her to turn off her brain from feeling almost any pleasure in her genitals.

She could have avoided this whole negative experience if she’d had more societal encouragement and conditioning to communicate properly in bed. She could have told him as soon as he started that she would like it a lot lighter. Before she came to see us, she had not told anyone about this episode except her doctor, who informed her that he had seen much worse. In our work with her, we heaped lots of approval on her and communicated about what we were doing at every step. Eventually, this made her feel safe and relaxed so that she was once again able to feel pleasure in her genitals. It took a while. At first there was not a complete connection between how much pleasure her genitals were having (as evidenced by their physical response) and the pleasure she al- lowed herself to feel in her mind. But after a few more sessions she was able to feel a lot of pleasure in both her genitals and her brain.

We have noticed this resistance in other people—that is, a disconnect between the amount of pleasure the brain and the genitals are feeling. It is as though all the sensation is somehow not getting through; there is a road- block separating body from brain. By continually approving of the physical reactions we notice, pointing out the individual contractions as they happen, and getting the student to feel increasingly comfortable with this new type of

sensation, we usually succeed in fully connecting their brain with their geni- tals. In the next chapter we will describe a number of other resistances to plea- sure that we have encountered and the best ways we have found to handle them.

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By following the directions in this chapter you will become proficient in your ability to communicate well during any sensual act. By practicing acknowl- edgment and approval in all aspects of your life, in and out of bed, your ca- pacity for increased fun and pleasure will manifest. The next chapters focus on specific techniques for pleasuring one’s partner, how to feel more pleasure oneself, and how to overcome resistances. If you practice these skills, you will become an exceptional lover.

c h a PT er 4

Partnered Pleasure

N

ow that you know how to pleasure yourself and how to train your partner, it is time to go into greater detail about communication skills,

about giving and receiving pleasure, and about how to cause your partner to feel even more intensely, especially at the beginning of a sensual experience. The more in- tensely a person can feel at that very first stroke, the more they will feel as a result of all the strokes that come after. Forthemostpart, this chapterdiscussestechniquesthat can be used with a partner of either gender, but we will let you know when the information applies specifically to one or the other. The chapter expands on the importance of

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using approval and verbal acknowledgment to experience the most pleasure possible. It outlines some of our strategies for facilitating increased pleasure in the recipient. It describes what to do when confronting a person’s resistance to pleasure, even if that person is verbally saying yes.

Keep in mind that resistances are a part of the pleasuring game. They can actually create more pleasure if handled in a fun and appropriate way. Resis- tances are comparable to obstacles met on the path to a goal. Having to over- come problems or difficulties increases the value you place on the attainment of your goal, and having to creatively overcome a partner’s resistances to plea- sure enhances the enjoyment of the sensual encounter.

Y Pleasuring a Partner: Z

Some Basics

Whether it is the first stroke or the thousandth, you have to know whether or not a person, especially a woman, really wants your hands on their body. You have to trust your integrity and your gut feelings, and if there is any doubt about whether or not to proceed, it is best not to. Pause, take a break, and talk a bit more. Ask questions, for example, “Have you had enough?” or “Would you like more strokes?”

Another very important aspect of pleasuring someone is to make sure that you, the pleasure giver, are enjoying what you are doing. If you are not rel- ishing your own handiwork you will convey that message to the other per- son. As counterintuitive as it may sound, you must touch her or him for your own pleasure; you must make your hand or fingers or lips or whatever you are touching with feel as good as possible with each stroke or caress. You have to touch your partner for your own selfish reasons. If you do that, the person you are pleasuring will not feel that they owe you anything in return. This will al- low them to relax and surrender to the pleasure.

Surrendering one’s nervous system is a key ingredient in having an IO or an EMO. Anything you do to facilitate surrender in your partner will be well worth your while. If they think they have to give something back—that be- cause you rubbed their back they have to rub yours—it will lessen their plea- sure and their ability to surrender. This does not mean they can’t reciprocate

if they want to, only that they do not
have
to. There is a big difference between

the two, and the sooner you understand this, the more fun you will have.

If you are with a new or fairly new partner it may be a good idea to let them know that you love giving pleasure and that they are under no obligation to give anything back in return. The best way to demonstrate this is by really en- joying what you are doing to them. They will certainly be able to sense it if that’s the case. Sometimes we advise our male students to leave their clothes on when pleasuring a woman, even a close partner, so that she will know he has no ulterior motives. The least he can do is to ask her preference about this. (In contrast, because males are so visually oriented, when a woman is pleasur- ing a man it is often a good idea for her to remove at least some of her clothes to enhance his view.)