International Kittens of Mystery (4 page)

Finally, an explanation of the first picture. Coming back from the negotiations, Kai decided to celebrate his tree-climbing prowess by tucking into the specially prepared meal he found on top of the fridge.

Unfortunately the sustenance found was neither specially prepared nor a meal. It was chicken fat cooling off in a foil container before being thrown out. Kai, a kitten of the messy eater persuasion, managed to coat his chest, stomach, and front legs in gooey fat.

First contact with the shower spray swiftly ensued – in which there was much struggling, much clawing, some spilt blood (all of it from the trainers) and much water. Ten minutes with the hair drier restored Kai and his fur to his previous lustrous state.

It's a hard life as an International Kitten of Mystery.

It's a big day at Training Camp Alpha. Kai and Xena have passed out. Not in an unconscious way but in a ‘they've passed their exams. Three purrs for the kitties!' kind of way.

They are both now operational and ready to be sent on their first mission.

The call comes in just before lunch. Enemy mice, for there are no other kind, have been sighted holding illegal gatherings under a cupboard. Homeland Security immediately issues a brown (mouse) alert. The price of cheese skyrockets.

With the world's newsreaders climbing onto chairs and screaming, Kai and Xena race to their Wickerbowls. Will they be in time to save the world?

The humans seal off the building but are too terrified to enter. SWAT teams stand on benches outside attempting to secure their trousers, for it is well known that mice like to immobilize their human foe by running up the nearest trouser leg.

Kai and Xena beam inside the building knowing the fate of the cheese-eating world rests upon their small furry shoulders.

Here they are. They've located the cupboard. Taken a quick look...

Having sized up both the situation and her shoulders, Xena decides to cover the side entrance. Kai having sized up very little, prefers the direct approach. No exceedingly small gap can defeat a kitten with determination.

Two dislocated shoulders later, Kai squeezes where no international kitten of mystery has ever squeezed before. Or ever will again, thinks Kai.

The insurgent mice – those that haven't been squashed or wedged up against their terrorist cheese-tasting manuals – run for the side entrance only to find it covered by Xena.

"You'll never take us alive!" screams the mouse leader.

"I waz not intending to," says Xena.

Ten minutes later, his job done, agent Kai tries to squeeze back out.

But for some reason, maybe food related (never substantiated – ed), he's a tad larger than he was when he went in.

Five minutes later the International Kitten of Mystery extraction team arrives with an extra large tub of grease.

Now that Kai and Xena are operational, it's new recruit time at Training Camp Alpha. Here we see five bright orange recruits aboard the padded and fleece-lined Wickerbowl Three – the luxury heavy tribble transporter.

These are no ordinary kittens. These are specially bred kittens with an augmented cuteness gene (aka the tribble gene). They are smaller and fluffier than the standard kitten and can incapacitate a human from ten yards.

Human trainers have to wear special glasses when handling them.

Warning: the following pictures are close-ups of cuteness enhanced kittens. If you are driving, operating heavy machinery, or have your hand hovering over a ‘launch nuclear missile now' button ... do NOT look at the pictures until you have moved yourself to a place of safety. The publishers of this book will not be liable for any injury, or piles of rubble that used to be major cities, should a reader enter a trance-like state or collapse.

Here is one of the new recruits practicing the ‘I am a poor, cold, lost kitty in need of a good home' look.

Next we have the ‘tile floor too slippy. Me fallz down. Need big monkey pick me up.'

Here we see the new recruits being informed that all secret agents – especially James Bond – have to be wormed regularly. And before they can be wormed they have to be weighed.

One recruit disputes the scales. I canz not weigh that much!

Climbing is one of the most important skills that an international kitten of mystery needs to master. Curtains, armchairs, display cabinets filled with expensive glass and china, all make ideal candidates but nothing beats a pet human.

They like it so much when your tiny claws poke through their clothing that they emit little monkey purrs – oo, ow, ow, oo.