International Kittens of Mystery (2 page)

After a break and a lightly poached mouse the kitten recruits return for an afternoon session of formation flying. It's the first solo flights for both cats and they learn two things. One, never fly on a full stomach. And, two, formation flying not only makes you dizzy – it can make your eyes turn a funny color too.

There are times when international kittens of mystery need to distract humans. Maybe they've been caught in a restricted area or someone's just noticed them beam into the room aboard Wickerbowl Two.

Luckily all kittens have a superpower for just such occasions.

The Power of Cute!

Here's Kai ramping up the cuteness power to eleven. One glance at this and all humans enter a state of trance. Security guards, evil overlords, mouse sympathizers. None can look away ... or think coherently for a full five seconds. More than enough time for your kitten partner to slip by unnoticed and continue the mission.

And as for the strange materialization of the wicker bowl in the impenetrable weapons vault... So what? Look at the liddle kitteh!

Aspiring kittens of mystery, take note. Cuteness like this doesn't come easy. You need to train every day. Practice stretching, striking ‘Superman in flight' poses...

...advanced tongue control.

Not to mention
really
advanced bending.

Experts have studied this picture and still don't know how Kai achieved this (possibly because their brains had entered a trance-like state – ed).

Training to be an international kitten of mystery is hard. Even a kitten of Kai's ability can find some subjects a struggle.

Here's Kai having trouble mastering the art of picking up a stone with his front paws ... take 127.

Which meant someone had to stay after school and attend special classes in paw-eye co-ordination.

Here's Kai, later that evening, concentrating hard on his dressage technique. Isn't that a near perfect half-pass?

This week's lessons focus on the noble – and sometimes sneaky – art of self-defense. First up we have Xena demonstrating ‘The Unexpected Neck Bite.'

A devastating maneuver in the right paws, this stratagem relies on low cunning, surprise, and picking the right target. The best targets being the gullible, the star-struck, and the well behaved. Young Kai qualifies on all three counts.

First, you tell your mark to sit very still and look at the camera. Tell him it's an important photo shoot. Then, while his brain is distracted by thoughts of a future modeling career – maybe even a move to the catwalks of Milan – the cunning kitten strikes.

Of course there are repercussions for using such a maneuver.

Even a well-behaved kitten will want instant and disproportionate revenge.

Here's a useful tip for those moments – and we all have them – when you're pinned to the floor having your leg bitten. It's called ‘The Xena' and it's a must for all warrior kittens.

First, bring up your back legs ready to push your assailant off. Second, and this is where the move gets its name, you throw your head and ears back, open your mouth as wide as it will go ... then flex that spine, spring forward, and let loose your warrior yell in the nearest ear drum of your assailant.

As the deafened foe's grip relaxes, you catapult him or her off with your back legs.