International Kittens of Mystery (7 page)

Xena rushes to her to console and starts downloading data from Kitten Command Center. There's something fishy about that ransom note. Why are squirrels asking for cheddar? Everyone knows the only stable currency is tuna.

Meanwhile, Wickerbowl Two is placed on runway standby. Three Tribbles wait anxiously for the call knowing that any second they could be beamed into danger. Three hundred megatons of cute waiting to be unleashed...

Hours pass. Tension mounts. Xena can't find any link between the poodles and the squirrels. Nothing makes sense.

Unless...

She takes another look at the satellite photos of the White House lawn from earlier that day. Are those squirrels or ... mice in disguise!

The evidenced is conclusive. They're definitely mice. She runs their faces through Kitten Command's Whisker Recognition software and gets three hits. All of them known terrorists on the Feline Bureau of Investigation's Most Tasty list.

But where are they now? The satellite pictures show them scampering into trees to the west of the South Lawn. Are they still there? Have they escaped? It could take hours to go through every camera image.

And where's the First Lady?

A call is patched through from Jack Miaower. He's been chased by dogs, shot at, captured and forced to wear reindeer antlers and a Santa Claus coat by a family of demented monkeys.

Here we see a picture from earlier, courtesy of a Kitten Command Center intercept, showing Jack, having removed the antlers and coat, consulting the Geneva Conventions regarding treatment of captured kittens.

But now not only has Jack managed to escape, he's tracked down the First Lady. She's being held captive in the First Barn.

By mice. Three of them.

"I canz not get in," says Jack. "All wayz into barn blocked and door booby-trapped. I canz see trip wire."

The whole barn is probably rigged with explosives ready to blow at the first attempt to storm the building.

"And I canz smell flea shampoo," says Jack.

Nooo!

Kitten Command Center backs up Jack's nose. A thermal imaging satellite camera picks up the telltale heat signature of lukewarm insecticidal shampoo. A bucket of the stuff is suspended over every door.

"Send in the Wickerbowls!" says Xena.

Three Tribbles brace themselves. Ten seconds later they're still bracing.

"We canz not get co-ordinates," says Kitten Command Center. "Mices must be jamming signal."

They tried again and again. They could get co-ordinates to beam a wickerbowl close to the barn but not inside.

"Monkeys coming," said Jack. "Must hide."

An hour passes. White House Security had surrounded the First Barn but must have noticed the trip wires on the doors and had backed off. They'd set up a perimeter a hundred yards from the barn and were evacuating the White House. No one was being allowed anywhere near the area.

Even a CTU agent as famous as Jack Miaower.

"I iz being dragged away," whispers Jack over his concealed comm line. "Monkeys got me. Iz uploading pictures of barn now."

His line goes dead. But he'd transmitted the pictures in time. Kitten Command Center has them. Could Jack have found another way into the barn?

He had. There was a small gap under the bargeboard on one of the gable walls. It was only a few inches wide but...

Only one kitten – Kai – had the training to get through such a tight gap. But the gable was too high for him. Xena had the ability to make the climb but she'd never be able to squeeze through the gap. Kinky Tribble could only climb monkeys. Could White House Security be persuaded to form a human pyramid?

"I canz do it," says Kai.

Silence falls. Handlers, kittens – everyone – suddenly find something very interesting to look at on the ceiling.

"What?" says Kai.

"Well..." says a handler. "Don't you think you might be a bit too..."

"What?" says Kai, "I not too important. I likez danger."

"You likez tuna too," says Kinky Tribble who is quickly hushed.

This is not a scene to dwell on. Suffice to say there were three more embarrassed silences followed by a frank exchange of opinion. References were made to Kai's weight...

And the incident last week aboard Wickerbowl One when someone suggested to a seething Kai that maybe he was slightly on the large side for the sports model wickerbowl these days.

"We could put him on a crash diet," suggested one of the handlers. "A lot of steam baths, hard exercise and vole lite."

But is there time to get Kai down to a size zero? Is there time to get Kai down to a size 12?

Kai insists there is and starts immediately. Here we see him working hard on the chair exercise – giving it good raking with his back claws. Look at the effort in his face.

Time passes. Several meal times come and go. Kai spurns them all – even second breakfast. The twenty-six hour deadline approaches.

It's time. A tired and slimmed down Kai climbs aboard Wickerbowl Two. The countdown starts. Three ... Two ... One. He materializes at the foot of the First Barn's gable wall. He starts to climb.

Here we see Kai, two stories up, climbing the First Wisteria.

All looks good until ... Kai slips!

And worse, he notices three monkey guards sneaking toward the barn. They're coming from the other direction so he can use the gable wall as cover. But if they turn the corner and look up...

They'd drag him away like Jack!

Only one thing for it.

Launch Wickerbowl One!

Wickerbowl One materializes at the foot of the gable wall. Spiky Tribble leaps out and rushes to intercept the sneaky monkeys.

"I iz lost," says Spiky, ramping up the cuteness quotient to levels that even protective goggles couldn't contain. "Canz you take me home with you?"

It might mean being dressed up in reindeer antlers for a day but that's just the kind of sacrifice an international kitten of mystery is trained to make.

Meanwhile, up above...

He leaps! He dangles! He spreads his claws!

And swings up behind the bargeboard and through the tiniest of gaps into the First Barn.