Love Comes in Darkness (6 page)

“Do you need anything?” Gordy whispered.

“No. Go on and talk to people,” Howard said with what he hoped was his best smile. Not that he didn’t like knowing Gordy was near, he just didn’t want to spoil his having a good time.

“I’m okay right here,” Gordy said. Howard heard a chair move, and then Gordy rested his hand on his, entwining their fingers. It had been a while since he’d just held hands with someone. Cedric was not about anything as quiet and simple as holding hands. Cedric had been all about much more active things. And now that Howard thought about it, Cedric didn’t do those very well, either… he was too selfish. Howard chuckled to himself. He should have known Cedric was an ass. His sister had told him she could always tell a loser by the way he kissed, and Howard now knew those selfish qualities extended into the bedroom as well.

Howard sipped his beer and sat. People came up to him and talked briefly now and again, but mostly they left him alone. He heard Ken talking and moving among his guests, and he figured Patrick must be doing the same. His suspicions were confirmed when he heard Hanna interpreting for Patrick a few times.

“Aunt Julianne,” Hanna squealed as she ran across the deck. Out of instinct, Howard pulled in his feet. They laughed, and after a few seconds, two sets of feet ran across the deck.

“Be careful, Todd,” Julianne called. “Howard,” she said, and he was engulfed in a hug. “Who’s the hottie holding your hand?” she whispered into his ear. “I heard about Cedric—glad to hear you dumped the goombah.”

“Everyone seems to feel the same way, but no one said anything when we were going out,” Howard told her.

“Please, it’s always okay to bash the ex. It’s what friends are for,” Julianne said with a chuckle, straightening up but still holding his hand. “I see you haven’t wasted much time.”

“Julianne,” Howard began, “this is Gordy. He helped me during the whole Cedric incident. Gordy, this is Patrick’s cousin, Julianne.” Her hand slipped from his.

“Ken called and said you’d need a ride home,” Julianne told him after a few seconds. “He asked if I could take you home after the party.”

“Give me the address. I can take him home,” Gordy said, and Howard could almost hear the smile on Julianne’s face. Patrick’s cousin was one of the nicest people Howard knew, but she was also a notorious matchmaker.

“If you’re sure,” Julianne said, taking Howard’s hand again. She rattled off Howard’s address, then said, “I’m going to get something to eat, but I’ll stop by again so we can talk. It was nice meeting you, Gordy.”

Howard and Gordy sat for most of the evening. Howard could feel the day waning. The air cooled as the sun dropped, with the scent of Lake Superior becoming more prevalent as the wind shifted off the water. At one point he began to get chilled. The conversations around him had softened as people began to leave.

“Let me know when you’re ready to leave, and I’ll take you home.”

“I don’t want you to feel you have to leave on my account.”

“Kyle’s still talking, and he’ll probably be the last one to leave. I won’t be too long, and then we can go,” Gordy told him.

Howard listened to him go and then settled back in the comfortable chair. Eventually Patrick sat down next to him and took his hand.
“He really seems to like you,”
Patrick signed against Howard’s palm.
“He keeps looking over at you while he’s talking to other people.”

“I just broke up with Cedric yesterday. I’m not sure I’m ready for another boyfriend right now,” Howard whispered. “He’s really nice. What if this turns into a rebound thing?”

Patrick laughed. It was one of the sounds he made very clearly.
“Not rebound. Cedric was a yutz. Besides you were going to leave him anyway. He was a sack of shit and you know it.”

“Yeah, but we still dated for four months.”

Patrick humphed emphatically.
“You….”
His fingers paused.
“You fucked for four months but there wasn’t any connection. I think Gordy’s different.”
Patrick wiped Howard’s hand like he was erasing the thought.
“I think it could be different.”

“I’ll think about it, but I’m not going to rush.” He’d done that before and gotten his heart broken. Cedric hadn’t broken his heart. He hadn’t been that emotionally invested in the relationship, which was making it easier for him to move on, but he wasn’t sure he wanted another relationship. At least that was what his mind told him. Whenever Gordy was around, his heart pounded, he began to sweat a little, and he longed for the little touches Gordy used to help communicate.

“OK,”
Patrick signed as heavy footsteps sounded on the deck.

“Are you ready to go?” Gordy asked, and Howard stood up, hugged Patrick good-bye, and thanked him for everything. Then it was Ken’s turn.

“I placed your bags on the sofa so they’ll be easy for you to find,” Ken said. “You be sure to call us if Cedric gives you any trouble.”

“I will; I promise,” Howard said, and he got another hug.

“Hanna, come say good-bye,” Ken called, and within seconds Howard heard running.

“Bye, Uncle Howard,” Hanna said, and he hugged her tight. He got hugs from Julianne as well as from people he wasn’t sure of, but it was nice. Once they were ready, Gordy guided him through the house.

“I’ve got two bags,” Gordy said.

Howard nodded. “That should be everything.” Gordy took his arm once again and guided him out of the house, down the front steps, and to the truck. Howard waited while Gordy stowed his bags and then let him show him where the door was. Howard used the door as a guide and climbed into the truck. He closed the door and located the seat belt while he waited for Gordy to get inside and start the engine.

“The ride won’t be too long,” Gordy said and then pulled out.

Howard nodded once and then sat back for the ride home. Gordy didn’t talk much, and Howard wondered if he’d done something wrong. He couldn’t think of anything and was about to ask when he felt Gordy’s hand rest on his leg. “That was a nice party.”

“I’m sorry you felt like you had to stay with me the whole time,” Howard said, thinking that maybe he’d monopolized Gordy’s time.

“I spent time with you because I wanted to,” Gordy said as he lightly squeezed Howard’s leg. The tone of the tires changed when they turned off the highway, and a short while later they pulled to a stop. Gordy turned off the engine and opened his door. “I have your bags,” Gordy told him after opening the door of the truck. Howard unfastened the seat belt and carefully put his foot on the pavement. He extended his cane and used it to feel his way.

“This, I know,” Howard said as he made his way up the very familiar walk and up the steps to his porch. He unlocked the front door. “Would you like to come in?” he offered and held the door open for Gordy. Howard waited until he’d passed to close the door.

“The place isn’t much to look at, I’m afraid. Some friends helped me paint when I moved in, but most of the things I have are because of how they feel to me rather than how they look,” Howard explained. “Please set the bags on the sofa. I think I have some beer in the refrigerator if you’d like one. I have soda, too. Can I get you something?”

“Have a seat. I can get it myself if that’s okay,” Gordy said.

“Sure,” Howard answered and sat in his favorite chair.

“I promise not to move things around, so you’ll still know what’s there,” Gordy said, and Howard smiled.

“How did you know?” Howard called. He heard the refrigerator door open and close, followed by the clink of bottles and the sound of two of them being opened, then Gordy’s footsteps came toward him.

“Know what? That you’d have specific places for everything? How else would you know what things were? It isn’t hard to figure out that you have to go by the feel of things as well as everything having a home.” Gordy placed a bottle in his hand.

“Cedric never really understood that,” Howard said. “He’d put stuff wherever he wanted to, and it made it very hard to determine where things were and what was what.”

“Do you think he was doing that on purpose?” Gordy asked.

Howard sighed. “I didn’t at the time, but looking back on it, he probably was. I think Cedric was about control. He wanted to be the one in charge of the relationship, but my independence is too important to me.”

“Howard, I’m sitting on the sofa. Would you like to sit with me?” Gordy asked.

Howard paused for a few seconds and then stood up, shifting slowly toward where he knew the sofa should be. He still didn’t trust himself since Cedric’s little stunt with his furniture. Gordy took his hand and guided him to a place. “What was I talking about?” Howard asked once he was seated. He’d lost his train of thought, especially with Gordy sitting close enough that Howard could feel his heat and smell Gordy’s unique scent, something he could pick out anywhere now.

“Your independence,” Gordy said, deep enough to send a zing up his back.

“Yeah. It took me quite a while to be able to take care of myself. I could always do certain things, but to be able to live on my own took convincing my parents, sister, and other well-meaning friends that I could do it. That’s part of why I moved here. So I could be on my own.”

“Where is your family?”

“My sister and niece live in Traverse City. My parents used to live there too, but they’ve both passed away. Mom didn’t think she could have children. They’d given up, and then at thirty-eight she got pregnant with Lizzy, and a year later they had me. I know my being blind was hard on them, especially as they got older.” Howard sipped from the bottle, and Gordy put an arm around him.

“It must have been hard on you too. Did you have to go to special schools?” Gordy asked and then squeezed him a bit closer.

“Yeah. I had to learn to do things from special teachers. My parents couldn’t teach me things like how to tie my shoes, because everyday things for them were different for me.” Howard rested his head against Gordy. “Sometimes the simplest things for them were complicated and hard for me. So many references people use are sight-based. I had to learn the world through the use of my hands and ears. Anyway, when I got old enough, I wanted to move out on my own, just like anyone else, but it was more complicated than that. I had to be able to care for myself, and I’d always had people around to care for me, so it was quite an experience. But I did learn, and I can take care of myself. I can cook, do the laundry, put my clothes away, do dishes, and most every other normal activity. It may take longer, but I can do it.”

“Living alone, I was wondering… why you don’t have a service dog?”

Howard chuckled and then sipped his beer. “Stubbornness, I guess. But I put my name on a list a few months ago, and it looks like I’m going to get one. Token will be brought by for a first meet in a week, and I should get him a week or so later. I think it’s one of those feel things. They want to make sure we get along and that I know how to care for him before they leave him permanently. But I’m looking forward to it.”

“He’ll be good company,” Gordy said.

“Yeah,” Howard agreed and drank from the bottle, finishing the beer. He set the bottle on the table beside the sofa. “Enough about me. What about you? What’s your family like?”

“I don’t really know anymore. I haven’t seen any of them in almost ten years. We… well, we don’t get along. Haven’t since they figured out I wasn’t going to get married, have grandchildren, and fit in the little mold they thought I should. I remember my mother telling me after we’d had a talk about… things… that she blamed my going off to college for ruining me for the Lord.”

“They turned their backs on you?” Howard asked, having a hard time believing what he was hearing. “What kind of parents were they? You don’t turn your back on your children, no matter what they do. You’re supposed to love them and care for them.” Howard began to shake a little. “I made my folks’ life harder. I was blind, and they loved me and put in all the effort without a second thought. They also gave everything they had to Lizzy.” Howard’s voice hitched. “Sometimes I think my parents died as early as they did because I wore them out, but I know they’d do it all again.”

“My parents are very devoted. But where yours gave everything to you and Lizzy, mine give everything they have to the church. We always came second. Holidays weren’t much around our house because they were always working to feed the poor or to raise money to give less fortunate children a Christmas. They were good people, but it turned out that the less fortunate ones happened to be us. Mom and Dad spent so much of their energy giving to others that they forgot about what they had at home. All of us did without so they could help others.”

“But that’s noble,” Howard said, trying to understand.

“Yes it is,” Gordy agreed. “But they loved it. They reveled in the glory of awards and praise. See, they didn’t do it completely selfishly. And we became the family that helped everyone. The thing was—we needed help. My father was a tyrant at home. He ruled over everyone. My mother said nothing and went along with whatever he wanted. My sisters were all afraid of him; so was I for a while.”

“What happened? You don’t seem afraid of anything now,” Howard said.

“I worked hard in school, won a scholarship that my father said I should give up so someone else could have it. That was what the Lord wanted. I told him it was my scholarship, I worked for it, he didn’t, and that I was going. I packed my things and left home. Dad never did understand, but Mom did. She wished me well, and I went away to school.”

“Did you come home during breaks?”

“A few times, but things were strained, and I was changing. They were always the same whenever I returned, but I wasn’t. I’d seen the outside world, and I knew there was more than rural Minnesota. During my degree work, I was offered an internship here. I worked hard even though it was unpaid. They remembered that, and when the county engineer retired, I was offered the job.”

“You said you told your parents you were gay,” Howard prompted.

“Yeah, after college. It didn’t go well, and I haven’t been to see them since. It’s okay, I guess. They have their lives, and that’s something I don’t want. Their selfish selflessness.”