My Body-His Marcello (27 page)

A bird landed
next to me, bringing me back to the world. I couldn’t just stay
there forever, waiting for the sky to fall and the world to end. I
couldn’t go back to Christian’s or Marcello’s. My mother’s
place … also out of the question. I felt trapped in
suspended animation and my tormented body hurt from my long journey
over to my house ... a place I could no longer enter.

I heard a siren
in the distance and thought it might be for me. That got me moving.
I grabbed my belongings and headed back out to the beach. I
shuffled slowly, dragging my heavy bag. Every time I tried to
formulate a plan my anxiety level sky rocketed. I thought of Scott,
who lived the closest, but how would Luke ever forgive me for
staying in his apartment? I briefly thought of calling Parker and
having her come get me. One simple factor stopped me: I could only
call Parker if I never planned to go back to Luke. If I explained
to her my current predicament, I could never expect her support. I
loved Parker too much to put her or me in that
situation.

As I dragged
myself along, I waited for some divine inspiration that never came.
My mind began to wander through the course of our relationship. I
thought of the first time I met Luke and speculated about the party
house—the huge mansion where we’d met. Would there be people living
there now?

I knew what I had
to do. Circling in the other direction, I headed to Dania Beach
Boulevard. I tramped from the beach to US1 and rang the shop door.
Christian opened it and stared down at me, annoyed at being
awakened.

I looked at him
and said nothing.

“
It
was bound to end at some point,” he said, shrugging his shoulders
and moving aside for me to pass.

“
Why
do you have to say things like that?” I said, feeling the anger
surge in me as I crossed the threshold.

“
I
call it like I see it. Needing a place to stay again?” he said a
hint of sarcasm in his voice.

“
Um,
no, well yes, but not here, thanks.”

“
So
then, pray tell, what can I do for you?” He took a seat on the
stool behind the counter shaking out his bed-slept hair.

“
Do
you know of any parties coming up at the house?”

“
The
house
?” he said, leaning over the counter and resting his
chin on his hand.

“
The
one I mentioned … where Luke and I first met?” I got the feeling
that he enjoyed stretching out the conversation, because he knew
good and well the place I was talking about.

“
Ahhhh, we call it ‘The Swingers’ Den.’ Yes, they are having a
party in a few days. Friday, I believe. Why?”

“
Do
you happen to have the address?”

“
I
could take you there on Friday if you’d like,” he said, sitting up
straight.

“
Oh
that won’t be necessary, but thanks,” I said. Going with him was
out of the question.

“
How
will you get there?”

“
I
haven’t figured that part out yet. How far away do you think it
is?”

“
Too
far to walk. Listen Jane ...” he said, standing.

“
Well,
I’ll figure something out,” I said quickly.

“
If
you change your mind ...”

“
No
thanks,” I said as I headed back toward the door. It would be a
challenge to find a way there, but I knew I would succeed. I had to
have answers to some of the questions I still had about the house,
and I’d do anything to be closer to Luke—even if only in my
mind.

Now I had to
figure out what to do with myself until Friday. There was less than
a week until Allison’s wedding and I would have to have someone get
my dress from Luke’s house.
Luke’s
house … how quickly
everything had changed. I had no intention of looking for a job. In
my delusional state, I believed I would be living back at
Luke’s
house
in short order.

I stood outside
of Pandora’s Box trying to decide what to do next. I crossed the
street to the dive motel above Pirate’s Bay bar. That seemed like
the simplest solution. My pride kept me from phoning any of my
friends. I still had a credit card and planned to use
it.

The room was
poorly maintained but cleaner than anticipated. The burnt-orange
bedspread and curtains were old but the boat paintings on the walls
had been dusted and the end tables wiped clean. I gratefully
divested myself of my backpack and collapsed on the bed. Not
bothering to remove the bedspread, I folded it over myself and left
the awakened world.

I dreamt of our
wedding, but this time I showed up clothed in the dress I had once
seen in a magazine. As I marched down the aisle in my ivory gown,
heading toward Luke, he morphed into Brian.

“
No!”
I screamed. I ran toward Brian to shake him back into Luke but once
I reached him, he opened his arms and became Luke again. He
embraced me, absorbing me into him. I no longer existed and felt
nothing.

I don’t know how
much longer I slept but by the time I awoke, the sun was no longer
shining. I used the toilet, still in my sweats and t-shirt. I threw
on the hoodie and snapped up my room key as I headed out the door.
I knew where I was going but I wouldn’t let myself think about it.
I headed back up Dania Beach Boulevard toward the beach. Instead of
walking on the sand by the shore, I stayed on the streets, weaving
my way back to our home. I had no plan and knew I was more than a
little obsessed. But I couldn’t stay away even if I wanted to. It
took me about forty minutes to reach the house. Seeing that the
lights were on, I told myself that a mere glimpse of him would be
enough to tide me over until the next day.

Circling
around—moving slowly and as quietly as possible—I passed the front
door. The outside lights were thankfully off. I inched my way
around the side to the back, peering through the French doors. I
could see Luke and Marcello. That took me by surprise. They seemed
to be in the throes of an argument. Luke paced and threw up his
arms. I imagined that Marcello was trying to talk some sense into
him. I realized for perhaps the first time that I had strong
feelings for both men as they continued to act out their silent
play.

I wanted to put
my ear up to the door but knew I would be risking exposure. Luke
stopped in front of Marcello, whose back was to me, and jerked his
arms abruptly down, palms facing out. He seemed to be shooting an
angry question at Marcello, who shrugged his shoulders in
response.

I stood there,
wanting nothing more than to erase the last few days. I longed to
return to the safety and love we’d shared, the bliss of the life we
had created. The madness in me, the crazy part that managed to
block out the reason for my departure, remained tucked away in the
recesses of my mind. I watched through the glass that separated our
worlds, perhaps forever.

If I had
experienced loneliness prior to my life with Luke then what plagued
me now was loneliness times ten. The intense pain that ripped at my
heart and threatened the very fabric of my soul screamed its
anguish within me. I had exhausted the little food I ate the night
before and yet it wasn’t hunger that threatened to do me
in.

I knew I
should’ve left then, cherishing that one glimpse of him, but I was
riveted to the spot. The scene before me continued to play out
until I saw Luke look out the window panes. If he saw me out in the
dark I can’t be sure but I instantly ran around the house and up
the road. Propelled by fright, I ran the whole way back to my seedy
motel and headed straight for the bathroom.

Although I hardly
recognized the woman staring back at me in the mirror—wild-eyed and
crazed—I knew I hated her. I averted my eyes, filled a glass of
water from the sink and gulped it down. I filled the cup twice more
and then stripped off my sweaty clothes.

I showered, dried
myself off and climbed under the covers. I knew, after all the
abuse my body had sustained, that I would pay the next day for not
stretching. I lay there, hoping sleep would take over, but it
eluded me. Then my cellphone rang, startling the crap out of me. I
scrambled out of bed and frantically dug through the pack. When I
finally found it, I didn’t recognize the number and let it go to
voice mail. No message alert, so I imagined the call must have been
from Marcello or Janice.

* * *

The next two days
progressed in similar fashion. I spent most of my daylight hours
curled up in bed. When I did wake after dark I’d make my pilgrimage
back to our home. The second night on my own I was crushed to find
the house unoccupied and, on the third, I stood farther out of
sight. I knew he could feel me there because he kept looking out
the window. My heart pounded and my palms were sweaty. Part of me
wanted him to catch me and possess me but another part was afraid
of what he might do. As I prowled around to the front of the house
the lights in the back flared, startling me. As I hurried back to
the hotel that night, I kept looking back over my shoulder, again
and again.

As I entered the
small lobby, the clerk stopped me.

“
Your
credit card has been declined,” he said gruffly.

“
What?” I was incredulous. I couldn’t fathom Luke cancelling my
credit card. What did he expect me to do? “Please try it
again.”

“
I ran
the numbers three different times,” he said impatiently. “It says
to confiscate it.”

“
Please, my husband must have cut me off. I will get you the
cash. I promise you, I’m good for this.”

The clerk paused,
staring me up and down and then said, “Do you have another
card?”

“
No …
ummm, like I said, I’ll be back with the cash.”

“
Yeah,
sure … okay,” he said warily.

I ran up to my
room and threw my clothes into my backpack. I hadn’t touched my
computer since my arrival at the motel so it took mere minutes to
gather my things. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I had
already made the trek to the house and back, and I doubted that I
had the strength to make it again. First I had to get past the guy
at the front desk. I felt grateful to have the card still in my
possession and hoped he would forget my name.

I crept down the
stairs and waited at the base for ten minutes, until the clerk went
into the back office.

I wished I had
obtained the address of Luke’s other house—the party mansion. At
the very least I could have crashed in the back of that place. It
wouldn’t have mattered if it took me all night to make it there.
Two nights still separated me from the next party and I had to
figure out a way to survive until then. Deciding that the beach
would be the safest place to sleep, I staggered back down Dania
Beach Boulevard, completely exhausted. The hike took me much longer
with my backpack but I eventually found the now familiar lounge
chair in the vicinity of my former home.

My jacket didn’t
offer my thinning body the heat it needed during the chilly night.
I ate a few of the crostini I took from Marcello’s when my growling
stomach wouldn’t allow me to rest. I tried to curl into a tighter
ball but the cold seeped into my bones. I got up and trudged up the
beach and around the house I had once occupied. I climbed into the
passenger side of Luke’s two-seater, laid my things on the driver’s
seat and pulled the hoodie over me.

Physical pain
served as a welcome distraction, drowning out the fear and anxiety
that threaten
ed
to push
me even further over the edge. The hollowness in my stomach echoed
the hollow feeling in my heart. I couldn’t believe Luke would cut
me off financially. I wondered if I still had access to my bank
account, given that I had handed control of our finances completely
over to him. I knew he kept some cash in our bedroom and thought
that in the morning I would check my writing room window to see if
it remained unlocked.

I rummaged
through my backpack to set my cellphone to wake me before sunrise,
only to find it dead. I had failed to plug it in while at the
motel.

“
Damn
it,” I said out loud.

I reclined the
seat as far back as it would go and pulled the hoodie tighter
around myself, grateful to be sheltered from the wind. Time seemed
to inch slowly. I eventually managed to fall into a deep sleep,
which included no dreams to plague my waking hours.

Sleep abruptly
ended with the cold dawn of reality.

“
What
the hell do you think you doing?” Luke said, standing over me with
the passenger door open.

I squinted and
blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the daylight. “I might ask you
the same thing.”

“
YOU
are sitting in MY car.”

“
YOU
cancelled MY credit card.”

“
My
credit card. I cancelled MY credit card.”

“
Exactly what the fuck do you expect me to do? Sell my body on
the streets?”

“
Do
you not get it? I don’t care what you do.”

“
Fine,
give me my money back. Give me the money we made on the apartment.
Give me the money I had in my account. You can’t just kick me out
with nothing. Call the fuckin’ police and ask them. I’ll
wait.”