Out Of The Ashes (11 page)

“No,” I said quickly. “We slept together, but we didn’t sleep together. We were, uh, sort of starting to, you know, mess around and I, um, had one of my attacks.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Gillian breathed, nibbling her lip. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

“I’m totally okay,” I assured her. “I just wish they’d go away. Because now I have a sex life. And they are serious cock blockers.”

Gillian burst out laughing. “Damn, damn, day-um. I had a feeling Clay would be good for you. He’d better just walk the straight and narrow. Because if he hurts you, I’ll kill him. I will stab him repeatedly with one of my sharpest stilettos.”

“Gillian!”

“Right in the throat,” she promised.

“I’m going to call my therapist,” I said. “And you! Stop talking about murdering my almost-boyfriend.”

I padded down the hall to my room and opened my laptop. I typed in the number I had memorized, and waited for the line to connect.

“Hello, Paige,” said the familiar face on the screen.

“Dr. Othello,” I said. “I have so much to tell you.”

I launched into the story of how I met Clay and all of our encounters since. When I had filled my therapist in on our relationship, I sat back and sighed.

“Well, Paige,” Dr. Othello said. “It’s good, really good, that you are choosing to open up to someone of the opposite sex. Building a relationship right now is a good way to continue the healing process.”

“I’m glad to hear you say that, doctor. Because I really like Clay. He makes me feel special and important. He makes me feel like I can be strong again and in control. I haven’t felt like that since…well, since before the fire.”

“I know you haven’t,” she said.

Her face flickered a bit on the computer screen. Since Dr. Othello practiced in Simpsonville, we had decided to continue our sessions over Skype when I moved to attend U or R.

“What’s Clay like?” she continued.

“He’s amazing,” I answered. “He’s an athlete here. He’s considerate and kind. He cares about my feelings. He’s also absolutely gorgeous.”

“That’s good to know,” she said, laughing. “It’s great to hear you talk about someone this way, Paige.”

“But I’m still having my attacks,” I admitted. “I’ve had them in front of Clay, any time he mentions a trigger word or phrase. It definitely puts a strain on things.”

“I can imagine,” Dr. Othello replied. “But they should slowly begin to wan.”

“They already have,” I said. “I don’t have them nearly as often as I did before. But still…”

“Have you explained about the fire and the reason you have them?”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “Definitely not. I’m not ready for that yet.”

“If you’re not ready, then it’s fine. But if you trust Clay as much as you say you do, you should think about opening up to him. It could be very healing.”

“I’ll think about it,” I answered. “Thank you, Dr. Othello. I’ll be in touch soon.”

I reached over and shut off my laptop, closing the lid thoughtfully.

If Dr. Othello thought it was safe to share my trauma with Clay, then maybe I should.

Then I thought about Hannah. What if she was right? What if he did end up going back to her, after everything we shared together? If I gave him my body and my secret, and then he left me to return to Hannah’s bed, I wasn’t sure I could survive it.

I wasn’t ready to tell Clay yet. But I would know when the right time presented itself. If it presented itself.

~**~

I strolled down the campus sidewalks, taking in the beautiful scenery of the campus around me. The busy scene drew a smile from me each time I saw it; students were everywhere like ants on an ant farm. I sat down on a bench outside the Psych building where my second class would be held. I really liked this one. After my conversation with Dr. Othello I was thinking that maybe after all that had happened to me I could major in Psych and help someone else get through their crazy.

Not that I was anywhere near through with mine.

“Paige!”

I looked up to see Gillian’s friend Tima walking toward me smiling brightly. Her wild, curly hair was pulled up on top of her head today, and she looked quirkily put together in black leggings, short gray fur boots with little balls hanging from them, and a flowing off-the-shoulder top.

“Hey, girl,” she greeted me, taking the seat next to mine.

“Hey,” I greeted her happily.

I had a sneaking suspicion that I had made a friend, and that was growth. This place was beginning to feel like home.

“Sooooo, how have the first few weeks gone? Is it everything you hoped and more?” She giggled.

“Actually, yes!” I answered. “I really like my classes. And I’m thinking about declaring a major soon.”

“That’s great!” she exclaimed. “When are we going to party again? I like your style. We had fun the other week.”

“Yeah, we did,” I said, smiling at her. “Gillian was talking about hitting up some parties this weekend. What do you think?”

“I think that sounds like a plan. I’ll come to your apartment to get ready on Friday night. ‘Kay?”

“’Kay,” I answered, beaming at Tima. “Time for class. So I’ll see you Friday!”

She got up from the bench, too. “Yeah, I’m fashionably late, as usual. Love you, mean it!”

I hurried up the steps to my Psych class, my smile spreading for miles because I had a new friend.

Clay

I was on a mission today. Before I met Paige for lunch, I planned to find Hannah and tell her exactly where we stood.

I scanned the student center commons, observing each little table and perusing the food lines for her familiar face and long red hair.

A cackle of laughter drifted across the room and I wheeled around to look in that direction. I spotted Hannah standing in line at the bagel shop with some of her mean-girl entourage. I stalked in her direction, feeling the animosity bubbling up inside my chest. Why did I ever waste time on Hannah? Seeing her now through eyes fresh from having woken up in Paige’s bed, the error of my ways was glaringly clear. I was in a hurry to correct that error.

When she spotted me coming her way, her eyes widened with surprise. Then she recovered, sent me a shiny smile, and walked confidently over to meet me halfway.

“Hey, baby,” she cooed. “Fancy seeing you—ouch! What the hell?” she yelped as I gripped her arm.

“Come here,” I ordered, towing her away from her coven to stand over in a corner.

“You want me all to yourself?” she crooned. “Well shucks, Clay, I haven’t seen your romantic side before. Usually we don’t get physical till it’s dark out.”

She snuggled up closer to me, snaking an arm around my waist. I’d never realized before how often she felt the need to touch me. It was affecting the level of bile already rising in my throat.

I removed her arm and took a step back.

“I heard what you did to Paige yesterday,” I said, staring her down.

“And? Why do you care?” she asked angrily.

“Because I care about her, Hannah,” I said through clenched teeth. “And you need to back off.”

Her mouth dropped open, and she stuck her bottom lip out. “Are you kidding? The girl can’t take a little teasing. I didn’t touch her.”

“I know you, Hannah,” I retorted. “And you don’t have to touch someone to hurt them. I’m not having it. Leave. Paige. Alone.”

Each word caused her to flinch like I was punching her in the gut.

“So the poor little baby needs you to fight her battles? What is she, four? What a wimp.”

I gritted my teeth. “This isn’t her battle. Your beef is with me. I know I may have led you on in the past to get what I wanted. I’m sorry I did that. I really am, Hannah. But you used me, too, plenty of times. You deserve to be with someone who really cares about you. That’s not me. This is over between us, Hannah. I mean it.”

Her eyes narrowed into dangerous little slits. I knew Hannah. She had an extremely loud bark and an even bigger bite. She was used to getting what she wanted. From everyone in her life. To her, I was no exception.

“You won’t do this to me, Clay Forbes. I’ve had a plan for us since freshman year, and I won’t let you ruin it now. Not when we’re so close to being able to finally start our lives together. I’m not having it. So get your little fling out of the way because one way or another, you are going to come home. To me.”

I shook my head in frustration. “You’re not hearing me. There is no you and me. We have no home together.”

“Okay, Clay. We’ll see how long this little…what is it, a relationship? Right. You don’t do relationships. I know that, and so do you. If Paige doesn’t know that, she’s oblivious. And if you suddenly decided to start being all monogamous, it wouldn’t be with a skimpy little bitch like her.”

She whirled around, prepared to walk away from me.

“Hannah,” I called. She turned, flaming hair swinging around her head like Medusa’s snakes.

“What?”

“Don’t mess with Paige. If you do, I’ll make sure everyone knows what a lush you are. I know it’s not just at night. Would you let me smell what’s in that thermos you always carry around? That little “spa” your parents sent you to last summer? Please. You don’t want everyone to know you have a problem, do you?”

Her face colored a deep purple. “You don’t know shit, Clay Forbes. And you’ll be sorry you ever said that to me.”

She turned on her expensive high heel and stomped out of the Student Center.

Sixteen

Paige

Strolling toward the Student Center in the golden autumn sunshine on a real college campus, my college campus, made me want to pinch myself. When I woke up this morning, I suddenly knew something I hadn’t before.

I hadn’t known I’d been looking for Clay. The idea of having a man in my life had never even occurred to me since the fire; it wasn’t a necessity, not something essential I needed for my recovery. It wasn’t something I needed each day in order to trudge my way through life, like breath or pain medication, or Gillian.

But now I knew. I wasn’t sure what I knew, but I knew that whatever came next in my life, Clay was going to be a big part of it.

And the thought caused a smile to break out all over my body. I was smiling so hard that my bones ached.

“Hey,” Clay greeted me with open arms when I stepped into the Student Center.

I walked into his arms and was home again.

“Hey,” I whispered.

He held me back at arms length. “You okay?”

“Definitely okay,” I answered. “What do you want for lunch?”

“On, no you don’t,” he said, laughing. “I know better than that. You’re a girl. The right answer is, what do you want for lunch, sweetheart?”

I laughed. “Smart man. I just want a chicken sandwich.”

“Then let’s get you one,” he answered.

~**~

I floated back into the apartment I shared with Gillian on a fluffy white cloud. The cloud dissipated when I took a good look at Gill’s face.

“The report is in, Paige,” she said, getting straight to the point.

In place of my cloud, a butcher knife appeared to slice neatly through my happiness.

“What’d it say?” I asked, sinking down onto the couch with wooden limbs.

“I didn’t open it,” she answered. “It’s yours. But I’m here for you.”

I took the envelope from her hands. Almost a year later, and the investigators finally had an answer to my most burning question.

I unfolded the crisp white letter and began to read.

Dear Miss Hill,

Upon thorough investigation of the fire that destroyed your home, our team has concluded that the fire was incited through accidental means.

I breathed a deep, rattling sigh, and scanned the rest of the paperwork until I found what I was looking for.

Origin: upstairs bedroom, candle left on bed

I remembered absolutely nothing of the night that took my family’s life, but reading those words created a picture in my mind, a memory that wasn’t there before.

The paper fluttered to the floor, and my now-unconscious body followed.

Clay

“Clay, she needs you,” Gillian’s voice said into the earpiece.

I was already running out my front door and to my car when I saw Gillian’s name on the Caller ID.

“What happened?”

“How fast can you get here?”

“Gill, I’m on my way already. Two minutes, tops. Is Paige okay?”

“She will be. I just think you should—“ she paused, and I wanted to ram my hand through the phone and make her lips move.

“I just think she needs you,” she finished awkwardly. “See you soon.”

I threw the phone onto my passenger seat and focused on the front windshield to keep from focusing on anything else. All of the possibilities running through my brain were endless and pointless. I wouldn’t know anything until I got to Paige.

Pulling up to the complex, I sprinted as best I could with a limp up to Paige and Gillian’s apartment and burst through the door without knocking.

The living room was empty, but the girls’ voices wafted down the hall. I limped toward Paige’s room, and saw them sitting on her bed.

Her eyes widened when she saw me. “You called him?” she asked Gillian, her tone accusing.