Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (26 page)

1. Women get pregnant or decide to adopt children.

2. Women usually take over more of the everyday responsibilities of raising children than men do.

3. While women are raising their children, they are usually not earning as much money.

4. Women should not be deprived of their share of income because they have chosen to use their time to raise children.

Sol has always considered any money I earn to be money I can spend however I want. ! I don’t argue. And he is very generous—it should be this way for every woman. ■

I have been earning money since the day I got married, and the beauty of it is that Bill has always looked at that money as my money, not our money. We never fought about it. His money is our money and my money is my money, exactly as each of us was raised. (Thank you, Mom and Dad Wexler!) Of course, much of my money has been spent on the family, but after all these years, I’ve saved a nice-size
knipple
, which we are both proud of. Make sure you have a
knipple
for your own rainy day, may it never come. ■

I may be in a unique situation with Bobby, or simply too trusting, but I don’t feel the need to squirrel away my own funds. On the other hand, I also know that I can get to our money whenever I need to, since our accounts are in both our names. Of course, in case of a real emergency, I do have that 401 (k) ... God forbid, bite my tongue three times, I should ever really need to use it.■

1.
Do you still have money in your own name, alone?

2.
How is his paycheck deposited—into a joint account or another way?

3.
Do you have to account for the way you spend your money?

4.
Does he understand that you are allowed to save money on your own but that you are also allowed full access to spend his?

Bobby raised the issue of a prenup several months before we got married. When I met Bobby, he was a man of substantial financial success, and it was his second marriage. I understood his concerns about protecting his three children. I wasn’t marrying Bobby for his money; I was madly in love with him and in the marriage for the long run. So I really didn’t mind signing a prenup, provided it was fair. For women planning to marry men who have been divorced, I always tell them to look at the way their prospective husband is treating his ex-wife. If he was the breadwinner, how fairly did he share the wealth? How hard did he fight to keep what he thought was his? Don’t marry someone else’s cheap, mean ex-husband. He might be yours someday! In the case of my prenup, I wanted Lisa to represent me as my attorney, but she refused. She said that even if this was her area of expertise, which it wasn’t, she didn’t want such a big responsibility in case things went wrong. However, she did insist I get my own attorney, even though I didn’t think I needed one.

My advice is that if you believe in your relationship and you trust the guy you are going to marry, then don’t be afraid of a prenup. When presented with the contract, examine it from his point of view as well as yours to ask the all-important question: Is it fair? Fair is the criterion I use when negotiating any deal, business or personal. For example, the longer you are married, the more equity you should get. Do you really think you deserve half his wealth if you only stay married a few years and have no children together? Do you think you should never have to work again if you were only married for a few months or if you cheated on your spouse? It makes me crazy when I read about these high-profile divorce cases where the woman demands $60,000 a month in child support. Even I couldn’t spend that much. This works both ways—I read of men who go after their wives for outrageous sums in alimony, when they seem perfectly capable of making a living on their own. Remember that if you stay married until your spouse dies, the will supersedes the prenup. Make sure your estate planning is fair too, because if your marriage lasted and was a good one, you’ll want to spend your remaining years in comfort.■

In the beginning of our marriage, every time we had a fight, Sol used to stop talking to me and treat me to a wall of silence. I had come from a very loud and fairly angry family, but at least we knew when one of us was angry with another. At first, I didn’t know how to react and was quite upset. As the years went on, however, I started to do the same thing to Sol that he did to me, which didn’t satisfy either one of us.

Now Sol gets very unhappy when I don’t respond. The five minutes of understanding allow us both to calm down and collect ourselves. We make up a little more quickly than we used to also. We are not as strong as we once were, and it is healthier to be happy. ■

1.
What words do you use to communicate that you need your spouse’s attention? Are they effective?

2.
How effective are you at asking your spouse for advice about something or telling your spouse something you know will upset him?

3.
Do you occasionally need those five minutes of understanding?