Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (24 page)

Does everyone need to be married or want to be married ? I know I did. It is in my DNA. Since I was a little girl, I was set on a life path—get good grades in school (I might have ignored that one), go to college, have a career and get married. Getting divorced was not part of the plan. I thought my first marriage would last forever, but if I had not married Steven I would not have had Allyson, so I will never call it a mistake. I knew Bobby a few years before we got married. Is our relationship exactly the same now as it was then? No. I admit it was more sexual in the beginning. All relationships are and should be. Then you should settle into a comfortable relationship that always involves great sex but also has layers of friendship, love and, most important, trust. Bobby has taught me that a marriage is like a book. You have different chapters in your marriage. If you are in a rut, like anyone who’s been married long enough has been at times, you need to turn the page and get to another chapter. Embrace the “life is a book” concept and work together to turn the page. ■

Have you been to a Jewish wedding? Did you ever wonder why the groom smashes a glass with his foot at the end of the ceremony? The reason? Jews want you to remember that even in the midst of a wedding, the happiest ceremony of life, our Second Temple was destroyed. The smashing of glass is a symbol of that destruction. Wherever there is joy, there is also sadness. You see? We Jews can’t be unconditionally happy for even one moment. No wonder we are always laughing and crying at the same time.

I’m no starry-eyed romantic on the subject of marriage, even though I love Sol deeply. Disappointment is often a part of life. You keep expecting and hoping for one thing, and then you get shocked or surprised or dismayed by another. For example, Sol and I had a rather large interest in a silver mine many years ago. We flew to Arizona to inspect the mine and thought it looked great. For one evening, we were “paper millionaires.” The next week we found out the ore was practically worthless and so was the stock. But during that brief time when the stock was sky-high, Sol seemed to change before my eyes. He became quite arrogant and not very nice. When the stock fell, he turned back into the nice guy I married. Maybe that episode was a blessing in disguise; perhaps our marriage would not have been strong enough to handle sudden great wealth at that age. Too bad we never did have the chance to find out. ■

From Jill and Lisa: Gloria’s story about the silver mine reminds us of another secret we’d like to share—beware the man who makes a lot of money while still young enough to really enjoy it. It usually goes to his head, and by that we mean the wrong one.

Marriage is a partnership in the truest sense of the word. When one is having troubles of any kind, the other steps in to help. Sol was having financial difficulties when Lisa was ready for college. I was out on leave from teaching and had no desire to return; in fact, I hated teaching in New York City public high schools. But we needed the money to pay Lisa’s tuition, so I went back to work until Lisa finished college. You do whatever it takes to get through. That’s why I always felt it was so important for my daughters to have their own way of making a living, even in those days when men were expected to bring home the paycheck.■

1.
How much
do
you resemble the girl in the wedding photo? If not, is there something within your control that you can work on to be that woman again?

2.
Do you make time just for the two of you? How often?

3.
When was the last time you got away alone for a little time together?

4.
Are you mentally prepared to stay for the long haul? If not, is marriage the right choice for you?

5.
When money is tight, do you pitch in and work to help?

6.
Do you show an interest in the things he is interested in?

Years ago we were invited to a family Bar Mitzvah. There I met a very good-looking, newly married couple who were very good friends with our cousin. I danced with the guy, we talked and that was that. A few days later the phone rings and this same guy asks if he could send a limo for me to take me to New York City. After getting over my shock, I said quite nicely that I was very flattered by the offer but would not accept the invitation since I was a very happily married woman. I should have been quite angry with him, but I must say that I was flattered, even though I thought he was a piece of trash and pitied his wife. Ultimately, I decided against telling Sol since this guy was our cousin’s close friend. Why start trouble? ■

Daddy had a wooden valet hanger for his pants in our parents’ bedroom. Mommy used to go into Daddy’s pants pockets and take money out of his wallet. She did this often and without asking. In fact, it used to look like stealing, because Mommy always did it with a little sneaky look on her face, as if Daddy wasn’t going to notice he was missing twenty dollars. When I asked Mommy about this surreptitious ritual, she always said, “Your father doesn’t have to know everything.” Later, I learned that most of this money went to pay for Jill’s reading therapist. Mommy felt Daddy wouldn’t want to pay for the lessons if she told him how much they really cost, so she told him they cost much less and gave Daddy the satisfaction of thinking the check he wrote paid for the whole therapy. But you have to wonder where Dad thought all those twenties were going.... Maybe the hairdresser?

And speaking of secrets, I was a little miffed recently when I found out my husband kept one of his own. A mutual friend of ours had confided to my husband that his wife had filed for divorce, but I only found out about it much later, after the wife finally got around to telling me. I thought that Bill should have shared the husband’s secret with me, since we both knew the couple well. But Bill honored the request his friend had made not to tell anyone about it, and for Bill that “anyone” included me. So you see? Don’t be a fool. You think you have to tell him everything? Why? I guarantee your husband does not share this philosophy. Most men have plenty of secrets. Give yourself permission to have one or two yourself.■