Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Family, Real Love (25 page)

Let me start with the fact that Bobby has never said no to me. Come to think of it, neither did my dad. (Sorry, Mom, I now know how you hated being the “bad cop.”) Well, Dad may have initially said no, but I always worked on him to turn it into a yes. I think that is my gift in life, to never take no for an answer. With that said ... it is easy for me to be open and not have secrets. I think if Bobby said no to me about things, I would do them anyway and just not tell him. I admit there have been times that I thought he would say no and lied at first. But I can’t keep a secret from him too long and always fess up. I think that one lie leads to more lies, and then they become hard to keep track of. Plus, marriages based on lies never last.■

Let’s not even get started on all the things you don’t bother to tell Bobby. Even Bobby admitted on the first season of the
Housewives
television show that he was “on a need-to-know basis.” Guess who decides what and when he needs to know something? You do, Jill. ■

1.
Have you ever kept a secret from your husband?

2.
Was it about you or someone else?

3.
Did he ever find out? What happened?

4.
Did you feel guilty about it?

5.
Why do you believe you have to tell your husband everything?

Your marriage has not been so good lately, although you love your husband. At work, an attractive man strikes up a flirtation and you respond. One day, you find yourself in a compromising situation. You don’t exactly break your marriage vows, but you come close. You feel guilty and vow you will never do it again.

 

Do you tell your husband? Do you confess your behavior to
him?

 

Why do you want to confess? To make yourself feel better? To alleviate your own guilt? Too bad. If you intend to stay with your husband and work on your marriage, then shut up and don’t say a word. You would be hurting your husband needlessly and causing mistrust where there was none before. Fooling around was your sin; your punishment is that you have to live with what you did. Every time you look at your husband and feel so close to him that you think you could tell him anything, bite that tongue and keep your mouth shut. If you do confess, your marriage will never be the same.

My grandfather was very cheap. It’s one thing not to have money. It’s another thing to have the money and not to give it. If a man is the one who is cheap, the woman is doomed. I was very close to my grandmother. I watched my grandparents scream at each other all the time, often over money. My grandmother used to somehow squirrel away money to give me presents. I could see it made her happy to do so, like she had gotten something over on my grandfather. When Sol and I got engaged, my grandfather came over to me and asked if he could give me something. He had not even known that my grandmother had already given us our engagement gift. I think it was my experience with my grandparents that seared this lesson of financial independence upon me. Never would I be completely financially dependent on a man. Never would I let my daughters become that way either. ■

I had a friend whose husband used to ask her about every ATM withdrawal she made from their account. Why did you take out the money? What did you spend it on? If my husband ever interrogated me about money like this, I’d fly out the door with no regrets. Too many women have come into my law office with no money and no resources whatsoever, sometimes after a marriage of thirty years. These women could provide for neither themselves nor their children. If there is one lesson I insist on Joanna learning, it is that she must learn a skill for which she will get paid so that she can always support herself and her family. ■

Bobby and I are financial partners. Whether I earned it or he did, we pool our money together. I admit I still have my own 401 (k) from a previous job (I guess you could call that my
knipple),
but other than that we joined all our funds. Bobby trusts me and I him. I saw how he treated his family when he got divorced and know if anything ever happened to us he would do the same with me (God forbid, bite your tongue three times). Bobby is a man of integrity, loyalty and trust, which is why I married him. Do I have a backup plan? Yes. We have a prenuptial agreement, which I strongly believe in, so I don’t have to worry. I also have two arms, two legs and a big brain (and mouth), so I can always earn a living. I don’t believe I am entitled to anything in this life and was taught always to be prepared. Bobby worked for more than thirty years and now I, too, am adding to our nest egg. I always confer with Bobby for the big purchases, but overall, I buy what we need or want and I decide what to give to charity. Our marriage works because even though I have the ability to spend freely, I don’t abuse the privilege. I also know that if necessary, I can always rely on myself. I do think it is essential that every woman have access to money she and her husband earn so that she has freedom. I couldn’t live any other way. ■

1. In your relationship, who makes more money?

2. Do you have access to your money? Do you also have access to his money?

3. Who decides how the money is spent? Are you comfortable with this situation?

4. Do you think you have enough influence over decisions about money?

5. Have you fallen into a pattern where only one of you pays all the bills and knows how much money you have?

6. Do you feel you are not able to spend money as you think fit? If so, start withdrawing money anyway. Either spend it or save it in your own name. In other words, start your
knipple
.

7. Do you have access to some money that is solely in your own name? Make sure you have your own account. You never know when you may need it.