Susanna's Christmas Wish (8 page)

“It’s our new tradition against their old one. And you know which will win out, don’t you?”

“So you’ve talked of this at length…” Mary let the sentence hang.

“
Yah
, and I’m ashamed of the fight I put up,” Susanna said. “I’ve made it my Christmas wish to learn my husband’s new ways and make them truly my own.”

“You’re a saint, Susanna, but this is awful. Christmas morning will never be the same without you. What are we going to do?”

“Carry on as usual. You know an Amish man’s mind is hard to change.”

Mary groaned again but said nothing more.

“Speaking of an Amish man,” Susanna said. “There’s Herman coming with his horse. We must be leaving early.”

“He doesn’t look happy,” Mary said, staring across the lawn at him. “Do you think he doesn’t approve of the men wrestling? Could that have upset him?”

“I don’t think so,” Susanna said.

Mary ignored Susanna’s denial. “Oh no! If Herman’s upset, maybe you won’t be able to attend Thanksgiving gatherings again. Tell him Ernest and I are very sorry this happened at our place. It won’t ever happen again.”

Susanna shook her head. “He’s not that way, Mary. He’s a decent man. He’s not going to forbid me from coming to the family gatherings on Thanksgiving Day because of a wrestling match. His parents celebrate Thanksgiving. Not quite as elaborately as we do, but they get together.”

Mary looked relieved as she followed Susanna to the bedroom to help her find her wrap.

“Aren’t you going to say goodbye to everyone?” Mary asked when Susanna draped her shawl over her shoulders and headed for the front door.

“We’re going a little early. They’ll think something’s wrong if I…”

“
Yah
, I understand,” Mary said, opening the front door for her. “It’s better this way. I’ll say your goodbyes for you.”

Without looking back, Susanna hurried across the lawn. The men were still standing around the barn door, a few of them helping Herman hitch Bruce to the buggy. She climbed into the buggy and sat down. Moments later Herman threw her the lines, hollered goodbye to the men, and got in. They were off.

Susanna tried not to move as they pulled out on the main highway, and the steady beat of Bruce’s hooves on the pavement settled around her. Was Herman upset or not? She didn’t dare glance at his face to check, and he obviously wasn’t going to say anything.

“It was a
gut
day,” she finally ventured. It seemed a safe enough thing to say.

“
Yah
,” he said, adding nothing more.

His voice sounded okay, so Susanna stole a quick glance.
Nee
, there was something wrong. She could tell by the set of his jaw. Maybe he hadn’t liked the wrestling of John and his brother after all.

“Did the men wrestling bother you?” she asked. “Their horsing around?”

“Not really,” he said.

Herman sounded like he meant it. Then what is bothering him? His talk with Matthew? That must be it. Should she admit she’d seen them together?

As they rode in silence, Susanna’s mind raced with questions. If she said nothing, would Herman ever mention what the talk with Matthew had been about? Would that be
gut?
Did she even wish to know?

As Bishop Jacob’s place came into view, Herman solved the problem. “Matthew had some things to say to me today.”

“Oh?” Susanna tried to keep the tremble out of her voice.

“Sounds like you and he had some
gut
times together.”

“But Herman…” She turned toward him. “You know I dated him for a long time. Of course we were sweet on each other and enjoyed some good times. Why would Matthew tell you this though?”

Herman shrugged, not looking at her.

“Herman, please. I love you. You know that, don’t you? Matthew has no right to come into our lives like this. Why was he talking with you anyway?” she asked again.

“He says he’s trying to find peace. Matthew sort of rambled on and on about the past. I don’t know. I guess he thought I should hear about it.”

“But Herman, this isn’t right. I have forgotten about those times.”

“He said he has a ring of flowers you made for him one summer down by the pond. Keeps it pressed in a book to this day. Matthew hopes
Da Hah
will let him love again like you and he loved each other.”

“Oh, Herman, this is so wrong!” Susanna grabbed his arm. “Why would Matthew be telling you this?” she repeated.

“So you do remember the flowers?”

“You must not believe everything Matthew says, Herman. Please.”

“So there was no ring of flowers?”

There was no use holding back the information, she decided. The quicker she said something, the better. “
Yah
, Herman, there was. But it means nothing now. I made them for a special occasion so many years ago. And Matthew kept them—I can’t help that.”

“Kept them perhaps as a memory of the special occasion?”

“I’m sure, Herman, but it has nothing to do with today…with us.”

“I know,” he said, pulling into their driveway.

H
erman pushed open the barn door, pausing for a moment to glance back at Susanna’s retreating form. She was almost at the house, walking with her head bowed. Was he being too hard on her? But how? He had every reason for discomfort and for questioning. She had once loved the man. And why was Matthew spilling such intimate secrets into his ear? Yet he had to be honest. Matthew’s words had seemed more like musings than anything else. Perhaps they really were just the memories of a troubled man seeking peace with his past.

That Susanna had dated Matthew for several years, he knew. That they had been sweet on each other—quite sweet, that they had planned to marry, Herman had known, so why did it bother him to hear it from Matthew?

Herman led Bruce inside the barn, pulled his harness off, and turned him loose in the field. Toward the west he noticed dark clouds hanging low in the sky. Snow clouds, no doubt. Early this year. They might even get another light dusting tonight, from the way things looked.

Watching Bruce take a lumbering run around the pasture, shaking his mane Herman wondered, was his young marriage in trouble? How could that be? Susanna loved him, didn’t she? It certainly appeared so. Even with the trouble over their different family Christmas practices, she was being a model of submission and virtue, although she did have that initial flash of anger. It was understandable Susanna should struggle with letting go of what she was used to. That was normal, and they would surely adjust.

But Matthew’s words were troubling. But it wasn’t just Matthew. It was the side of Susanna Matthew had shown him. Matthew probably hadn’t intended that, mumbling on and on about the good times he and Susanna had once had.

“I’m not saying things could have turned out differently between us,” Matthew had said. “Because they couldn’t have. I could never give Susanna what she deserved. A home among the people. A place she felt safe in. A husband who didn’t always have ideas about leaving…” Matthew’s voice had trailed off.

Herman had tried to be patient, not understanding why he was being told this. He was willing to listen if it soothed Matthew’s obviously troubled spirits.

“Very early on, I think I knew Susanna was too
gut
for me, but I couldn’t bring myself to pull away from her. She was so alive and so in love with me. And if I let myself go, I imagined the same thing for me. But in the end, our relationship was all imagination on my part. It could never go much beyond our evening drives home in the buggy with her snuggled under the blanket next to me.”

Herman had winced at that line. Susanna hadn’t done much snuggling up to him when he drove her home during their dating years. But she did now. He had always taken her reserve before their marriage as virtue, but apparently it hadn’t been. Had her feelings for him changed after the wedding? Or was she reliving a love from the past when she nestled next to him? Perhaps she was trying to recapture what she’d lost?

He looked at the dark clouds in the west and shook his head. He was a simple man with simple tastes. These things were too deep for him. The heart of a woman was a mystery he’d never given much thought to, but now it seemed to matter a whole lot. Something hurt inside his chest that had never throbbed like this before.

As he looked around, the voice of Matthew came drifting back. “The moment I finally knew it was over was at the most unexpected time. I never told Susanna this. In fact, it took me months to get enough courage to admit to myself that it was over for us. That we could never be what she wanted us to be.”

Herman had said nothing as he fiddled with a piece of straw. He apparently wasn’t expected to say anything. The words were spilling out of Matthew.

“It was on a summer Sunday afternoon. We had taken a walk down to the pond behind her
daett’s
place. Susanna had never looked so lovely as she did that day. I could hardly look at her, awestruck by thinking she might really become my wife. The moment has finally come, I thought. This is what I want to do more than anything else in the world. Marry this woman. Have her by my side for the rest of my days. So what if I have doubts about giving her what she wants? Love would be more than enough. I gave myself to the emotion of the moment—which I now know is all it was.”

Herman had waited. Clearly there was more to come, but he hadn’t been sure he wanted to hear this. What Matthew was already saying was hurting things inside of him he hadn’t even known were there. But he had remained silent and Matthew continued.

“I asked her to marry me that day, Herman. Down by the pond. And she said yes. She was so happy it hurt. That’s what finally woke me up. Her happiness. The joy on her face. The me she saw. But the Matthew she loved wasn’t who I really was. That day I understood, but I was unable to admit the truth. She went into the side of the woods and picked flowers—little tiny ones, purple, orange, and blue. Wove them into a circle for me. ‘A circle of love,’ she said. ‘Our love.’ And she gave them to me.” Matthew’s voice trailed off again, a faraway look in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” Matthew had said moments later, looking up for the first time. “I guess I shouldn’t be telling you this. But I just had to get it off my chest. Perhaps find my way again. I can’t share this with anyone else.”

“You could come back to the church,” Herman had managed to get out. “That would be the first step toward peace.” A simple answer, he figured. Not like the complicated stuff Matthew was telling him, but Herman didn’t have any other ones. He was a simple man.

A brief smile flashed across Matthew’s face. “I might go down and speak with Bishop Jacob. Confess some things to him. Not that he’s going to lift the
bann
on me, but for my own sake before
Da Hah
.”

“You can always come back,” Herman repeated. There hadn’t seemed anything else to say.

Matthew shook his head. “I thought I might try that when I came back this week—well, before I arrived actually. But then I found out Susanna had married. Deep down I always knew coming back wouldn’t work, so I’ll take Susanna’s marriage as an added sign from
Da Hah
that He knows me better than I know myself. The way to the past is closed, Herman. I finally told Susanna that months after that afternoon by the pond. And now I know it’s still true.”

Herman had nodded, not because he necessarily agreed, but perhaps it was best this way. Having Matthew around would be mighty uncomfortable. But Matthew’s absence was a horrible thing to desire because his soul was in such danger. Herman’s thoughts came back to the present. Right now he couldn’t help how he felt about the matter. And there was nothing more to think or to say about Matthew.

He really needed to get inside before Susanna thought something was amiss. On the way out of the barn, he paused and looked at the stack of hay piled against the wall. Perhaps he should throw more bales down from the haymow? The job needed doing soon, and it would give him time to gather his thoughts before facing Susanna again.

Yah
, I will, Herman decided. He climbed the ladder. Dusty silence greeted him on top except for a few chirping sparrows on the beam high above him. Spider webs hung everywhere, but that wasn’t unusual. He must stop thinking dreary thoughts. Susanna waited for him inside, and she was his
frau
. No matter how much Matthew wished it otherwise.

That was the real problem, wasn’t it? Matthew wished he were married to Susanna.
Yah
, Matthew might not wish to admit to the fact, but deep down he did. Matthew wished things had turned out differently. That he had stayed in the community and taken a different road in life. Surely that was his real reason for being here now—to find out if there was a way back to the Amish life.

Did Susanna also feel this way? Herman sat down on the hay bales, the thought heavy on his mind. Was this true? It couldn’t be. Susanna wasn’t like that. But she had changed since their wedding, hadn’t she? Into a person not unlike the one Matthew described. Warm, loving, kind-hearted, snuggling up to him whenever she had a chance.

Was she trying to make their relationship like hers and Matthew’s would have been? Or used to be? A warm memory in her mind that wouldn’t go away?